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In an unexpected break with tradition, we actually received rather a large amount of mail this month. Unfortunately I installed Windows 98, which meant reformatting my hard drive. I did back everything up, honestly, but unfortunately Windows denied all knowledge of its existence when it finally started. Tch, eh? So, a big 'thank you!' to everyone who took the trouble to resend their mail. If we haven't printed your mail, it's because I don't have it any more. Sorry. Cheers, Nathan |
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e-mail: letters@ys3.co.uk Star Letter winners receive a real Spectrum game! |
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Dear YS3, What’s with the whole Scooby Doo obsession? Yeah, it was a great show but having him on the front page of every stinking issue… hey, Nathan isn’t really Scooby Doo, is he? Come to think of it, I’ve never seen them in the same room together... Kate, Lancaster I actually wanted pics of Daphne everywhere, but apparently it's funnier to have pictures of Scoob. Tch. |
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Your Toffee Cream Slice Monthly
Dear YS3, Why don’t you rename yourself YJB? (Your Jeff Braine) Julie, Birmingham And why don't you just... (Snip! Jon) I mean, why don't you take stock of the issue as a whole? Jeff Braine doesn't really feature that much in the magazine. Not as much as Scooby Doo, at any rate. |
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Typing Practice
I know you'll print this because it saves Jon having to think up quite so many letters. Chris Young, via e-mail That's what you think! Oh... bugger. |
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It's A Dog's Life
Woof woof! Down boy! NO! GET OFF THE SOFA YOU EVIL LUPINE BASTARD!!! Andy Kavanagh, via e-mail That's the last time we visit your house for tea and scones. |
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The Uncanny Y-Men. Or Something.
Dear YS3, I thought I had better warn you of my impending lawsuit against you. Don't you understand? I grieved for YS and eventually got over its death. You have triggered it all off again. I wept at the departure of Linda, I laughed till I cried at Jonathan's reviews and I wept once again when YS announced that (sob!) they were closing down. And now you lot come along with your magazine that's so uncannily like YS that I almost believe it's back again. How could you do this to me? In fact I won't sue you after all. It's not worth it any more. I can't go on.(BANG!) Phil Robertshaw, via e-mail PS Ouch, that hurt. Well, if you'd used a gun rather than slamming your head in a door, you might have achieved the desired result. On the bright side, since you've failed you'll be able to read this issue, and reminisce further on the Great Magazine. Hurrah! |
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Re: Top 101: Number 63: Cat/buttered toast combination
Ah! I think you may have stumbled on a limitless energy source here. Surely if (as we all know) cats always land on their feet and toast always lands butter-side down, by strapping buttered toast to a cat's back butter side up, dropping the cat could only result in the cat/butter combination spinning in mid-air. All you need to do then is find some way of getting power out of that, like wrapping wire around the whole thing and dropping the cat in a magnetic field. Blam! One limitless energy electric motor. Don't fancy the scratches much though. Derek Jolly, via e-mail Genius! I think you should package the whole bundle up in a big metal case and try to take over the National Grid - you'll make a mint! |
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Jeff Braine Solves The Mysteries Of The Universe
Or last month's Top 101, at any rate. Here we go, then... 60.If a tree falls in the forest, and there is no-one around to hear it does it still make a sound? Yes. Now prove me wrong. No, no, no. You're new to this, aren't you? You're the one who has to provide the proof, Mr Braine. 61.Why does your mum always (and I mean without fail) walk in on the worst part of the movie or TV show that you're watching, the thirty-second bit of nastiness in the whole three-hour event? Why not at some point in the other one hundred and seventy-nine minutes and thirty seconds? Female intuition coupled with translocation. Mine still does it despite the fact she's 15000 miles away (give or take a few), sleeping. You know when you're about 11, sitting in Biology and the girls go off into one room, and the guys are taught about penises and so on? Well they're taught how to do just this thing right then - did you think it was menstruation? Really? Gullible. They're also trained in 'that' stare at this time too. When I was eleven, we all got taught the same things at the same time, and translocation wasn't on the agenda. Perhaps this is the reason why females of my about my age aren't capable of performing these same feats. Walking in at the worst possible moment is a dying art - maybe the government should offer grants to support it? 62.Can God make a stone too heavy for Him to be able to lift? Of course. As long as He has something to stand on. I don't believe He can, on the basis He doesn't exist. Since this could simply be a difference of theological views, I asked a second opinion from a rabbi, and since he agreed with me that god couldn't make such a stone, you lose two to one. Nyah. 63.Cats always land feet-first and toast always lands butter-side down. So if you strap a piece of toast to a cat, butter-side pointing away from its feet, and drop it; which way will it land? It doesn't. A study at Obviouslyfalsename University proved that this contraption doesn't land at all - it levitates. Also, if attached to a dynamo and rotated, a perfect perpectual engine is created - free power for all. Unfortunately, Yorkshire Electricity teamed up with an animal rights party and Anchor Butter and went on a killing spree. All scientists involved are either dead or dying. Derek - start running. 64.This statement is a lie. (Think about it?) That's not a question. Unless you mean 'think about it?' to which I'll answer 'no, I don't think I will. I've got enough to think about already thanks' which is, of course a correct answer. Fair enough, I'll let you have that one. (And Jon gets a ferret sandwich as punishment for such a ridiculous item.) 65.Should we seek to make people happy or to fulfil their desires? The latter. In doing so, you also achieve the former - albeit, usually, briefly. I'd go for making them happy, and leave the fulfilment part to them. Got to give them something to keep them quiet of an afternoon, haven't we? But, granted, your answer would work. 66. ...or is there an alternative and preferable course of action? There is no preferable course of action. How about sausage and chips, a glass of coke and a game of Chaos? You just haven't thought it through, have you? 67.Why is it that, despite many hundred hits each month, YS3 only ever gets about ten e-mails (and nine-and-a-half of those are junk mail from Littlewoods)? Because I make up 99% of your hits due to a badly configured proxy, and I write the other half an email. Sob. See the intro to this section. 68.What is the sound of one hand clapping? Ping. When I do it, it's a kind of flappy, clicky sound. If your hand pings when you clap it, it's time you consulted a doctor. 69.Why do women never go to the bathroom alone? Because. Okay??? JUST BECAUSE!!!!!! Oh for god's sake, why do you men insist on fixating on the stupidest things? Why can't you show this much interest in finding my clitoris eh? Er - at least that's what the last girl I asked's answer was. No arguments here. Women, eh? Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em, dismember their bodies and drop them in weighted bin bags into separate rivers across the country. I would imagine. |
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Rumbled
Dear YS3, These Actual Reality features… they’re not really acted out, are they? It’s just a fictional "what if" thing, right? Right?! Jon’s parents, Congresbury Er... of course it's fictional. (Jon, I think you'd better make sure you clean off all the blood before going home.) |
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Bring A Bottle
Dear YS3, You guys must be nearly a year old now (congratulations!)... gonna have a funky celebratory event soon? I could bring a bottle of something bubbly, you know. And some Toffee Cream Slices. Hint, HINT. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink etc. Jude, via e-mail Actually, we've got an average age of about twenty-one. YS3, on the other hand, is indeed almost one year old. We have plans already for the Official YS3 First Birthday Party all drawn up. Well, actually, they're kind of sketched badly on a scrap of paper underneath a stack of CDs. Watch for the coming announcement on this very website soon! (Oh, and make sure the 'something bubbly' is alcoholic. If you turn up with a bottle of diet lemonade we will not be held responsible for Jon's actions. You have been warned.) |
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Read This Month's Star Letter! |
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Year-Long Deadline (And It's Not YS3)
Hi Nathan, Although Barcode Review is on (officially) a year-long deadline for each release, the number of letters we receive into our mailbag is still far less than the number of letters you publish in every issue of YS3. How do you manage this? Chris Young, via e-mail By printing absolutely everything we get sent, even stuff which probably wasn't intended for print. Much like this e-mail, in fact. And when we don't have enough mail, Jon makes some up to fill up the remaining space. Oh what a giveaway. |
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