Features Burgertime
In this season of good will toward men and women on earth, YS3 thought it was time to take another fast-food establishment to task and out them through the red hot poker, stocks and electric chair combination which is Burger Time. Or something. Anyhoo, following the largely favourable assessment of Burger King last month, we decided it was time the Big Brother of fast-food emporiums was assessed and so descended upon McDonald's outside the Galleries shopping centre in Bristol.

What with it being December, we decided to rate an extra section this time: how well is the Christmas Spirit in McDonald's? Is it alive and well, basking in the love and grace which the establishment produces, or is it in need of 10cc of hydrochloride, made terminally ill by the greed and humbug-ness shooting from McDonald's dark recesses? We decided on the later, though the actual visit was the epitome of the Christmas spirit as Nathan was happily re-united with his ex-work mates, one of whom gave him a great big hug from behind. He was relieved to discover it wasn't Jon. Awww.

How Does It Work?
Nathan and Jon, supervised and generally kept out of mischief by Sarah, Nathan's Lady Friend, order a meal each at the Burger Place. Nathan orders a promotional special, and Jon gets a take-away of a popular meal, lets it sit for seven minutes or so, then tests its palpability. While Nathan and Sarah are munching fries and Jon is drooling disconcertingly, questions are posed on six sections of the Place:
  1. Ambiance: how pleasant is the atmosphere in the establishment? Does it make you dance for your dinner or begin to cry uncontrollably into your Fanta?
  2. Food Quality: fairly self-explanatory - how nice is the food? Do you rush to the counter, begging for more or would your poodle turn its nose up in disgust?
  3. TV Advertising: you've seen it. You can't escape it. But how entertaining are the images favouring this establishment that have gone across our screens, past, present, and, oddly enough, future?
  4. Staff: how friendly are the staff? Are they more depressed than you or do they brighten your day? Are their sentences so pre-programmed they get a general protection fault, or are they as natural as natural yogurt?
  5. Value for Money: how do the prices compare with other such establishments? Are you paying through the nose or saving millions?
  6. Overall: the overall impression and enjoyment factor given by the Burger Place.
Venue: McDonald's, Bristol.
Cheapest Single Item: take-away milk at 38p.
Most Expensive Single Item: 20 pieces of Chicken McNuggets will set you back a terrifying £4.53.
Cheapest Meal: extra value meals are £2.99 each.
Most Expensive Meal: the McBLT Wedges meal at £3.19.
Most Used Primary Colour: yellow.
Jon Ordered: an extra value Big Mac meal. He wasn't feeling very imaginative.
Nathan Ordered: the McBLT and wedges special thing.

Ambiance:
Jon: Standard bits of Christmas decorations half-heartedly thrown around, some nice plants. Unhappy patrons, terrible music in there somewhere. 4/10
Nathan: "We want our money and you out as soon as possible" about sums it up. 2/10

Food Quality:
Jon: It was still quite warm, but the fries looked pathetic and tasted worse. The burger tasted of the onion dressing, though the "meat" tasted more of water than cow. The Fanta was alright, but all they ad to do was pour the existing drink. 2/10
Nathan: The BLT was badly presented, with bits of gunk in the box and on the burger. The wedges look horrific but are quite warm and taste better than the BLT. At least it's proper coke. 3/10

TV Advertising:
Jon: Eh? 0/10
Nathan: What TV advertising? 0/10

Staff:
Jon: Nathan's friends were nice, but I think the guy behind the counter wanted to beat me repeatedly with a large blunt instrument. 4/10
Nathan: Lovely people. 9/10

Value for Money:
Jon: More expensive than my chippy for much worse food. Do the math. 4/10
Nathan: I actually paid for this? 1/10

Overall:
Jon: 3/10
Nathan: 3/10

McDonald's Total: 30%
Oh dear, McDonald's. It's a poor showing by anyone's standards, even those of the fast-food industry, with, as Gil Chesterton once said in Frasier, "cuisine that is only marginally preferable to hunger". One star, then, but only because Nathan's friends really are nice people; it has no reflection on the actual business.



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