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Let me describe a really cool idea for a video game to you a moment. You are a cop, and your city has gone to pot. Gun-toting killers, drugs, video games cost more than £40; it's a grim scene. Into this suburban nightmare steps your good self, and perhaps a mate, to clear it all up with your gun. Nothing new yet? Well, you aren't just any cop; you belong to ESWAT, the Elite Special Weapons And Tactics, and, should you clear enough of the city up, you earn a serious robotic exoskeleton with a large gun on one arm to help you in your efforts. Does that sound like fun? I thought it sounded pretty cool, so I played US Gold's ESWAT conversion. And I cried as my dreams were torn asunder.
You may think I'm getting onto the bad things pretty early on in the review, and that's sadly true. You see, I've covered the plot (such as it is) and the good points (the idea) already. Bad things are all that's left, but fortunately for the word count of this review ESWAT has them abundance.
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Let me start at the title screen, which is alright. Nothing flashy, but it's OK. The music stinks, but the screen's alright and the copyright text is pretty good; in fact, it's probably the best thing here. So, hit fire and level one starts with your police car (complete with really naff siren sound) ambling its way down the street for a few seconds until it grinds to a halt and your bloke steps out (without using the door; if there's two of you they look the same). And it's over to you. The first thing that becomes obvious is that the big graphics are very unwieldy and have even less frames of animation than a Hanna Barbera cartoon. Mincing along, the sprites take up so much room that it invokes feelings of claustrophobia and serious lack of playing area. The backdrops are pretty bland but do the job of making you think of a cityscape; thankfully there is no music as the only sound FX are weak attempts at gunshots. Speaking of gunshots, the bullets that come from the guns are remarkably difficult to see, blending into the backdrop with almost chameleon-esque ease. This, in case you hadn't guessed, is extremely frustrating. And badly designed. Which describes ESWAT, mockery to the world of Spectrum video games that it is, to a tee.
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Come with me for a walk through level one. Mincing away from your car, you meet your first “hood”, complete with shades and a semi-automatic. Ducking (and trying desperately not to laugh at the ridiculous sprite for that action), all his bullets fly over your head (if you can see them) and you shoot him in the kneecaps, causing instant death. Carrying on, you meet another one. Repeat the previous strategy. Meet two, and you may have to fire twice rather than once. By the way, your ammo is limited so if you run out you're stuck, for everyone is immune to the Kop Kick (TM) that your character possesses. Anyway, you get to walk along a bit, repeating our strategy, varying it a little perhaps for skateboarders (stand and shoot) and blokes in windows (look up and shoot, but as they fire only every week or so it doesn't really matter). Jump (or rather float like everyone else) over a car here and there, meet one or two baddies every so often (pensioner-paced it is not, even), meet the boss and shoot him until he dies (Are you hitting him properly? Dunno. Do you need to dodge his attacks? Not really. Is there any point? No.) Beat him (and you will) and you get to the same thing for another three levels. With the same infrequency of baddies, sloth-like controls, lack of imagination, challenge, lack of mobility and manoeuvrability. Somehow force yourself through it and you'll find, much to your surprise, that the car does not pull up on level five but you've mysteriously grown a large metallic exoskeleton. Which is about as much use as being wrapped in tin foil because your bloke has exactly the same lack of manoeuvrability, is hurt just as much by bullets, and has a gun of the same power. Why, US Gold, why? And you get to amble around some more, shooting a few more baddies than usual, and even some baddies in exoskeletons who fire missiles you have to jump (meet more than one and there's not enough gap to jump or shoot them so you're stuck). Whoopee-doo.
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And that's not all. You see, if you get hit, you get knocked back. You can thus be “strung”on any multiple attack, even in your exoskeleton. Heck, you can get caught by baddies walking up to you from two sides, as touching them is always painful, too. You just to sit there until they decide to let you go. Unless you outwit the majority of them by, shock horror, ducking. And, despite the horrendous flaws in the design, ESWAT is quite ridiculously easy; level six on my first or second go. Then I got caught by someone shooting missiles at me from off-screen and so had to stand in the constant flow, firing when I could (normally just after I'd died). After a couple of credits I progressed to walk into a baddie and spend my last life being shoved around by two hoodlums, me in my metal exoskeleton. The decision whether or not to have another go took all of 0.000000001 of a second.
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ESWAT - US Gold - 1990
