Issue Four - November 29, 1999
Tch.
What with my net access being down for so long, I figured that maybe there'd
be a huge pile of mail waiting to be answered. So it was with the nervous
excitement of a small child on Christmas morning that I opened up the mailbox
to find... nothing. Well, almost nothing. A handful of letters. And half of
them were junk mail. Half of what was left were for Trainspotters. Sigh. I wish
you lot would try harder. This month, I'd like subject lines to have your best
pick-up lines. (Your best, please, we need all the help we can get.)
Cheers,
Nathan
e-mail:
letters@ys3.co.uk
YS3 - Is This For Real?
Hi dudes,
.... I mean, could it be true that you guys are actually continuing where
The Great Magazine YS left off? Yes? It sure appears to be the case! What can
I say, but... ehrm... Hurrah! Just why it took you 6 years to pick up the lead
is beyond me... meant in a particularly skillo sort of way of course! You
know what? I'll do the only decent thing in return: add a much deserved link
to your site from WOS. For free! Oh yessiree. No probs. Keep it up - life is
getting good again, innit?
Cheers,
Martijn.
I would go into the details as to exactly why it's taken us six years to get going, but it's a very long and not entirely interesting story. In fact, the first four years are pretty monotonous. And only three weeks from the fifth are worth mentioning. The last year's pretty good, though. Mostly.
Jack Nicholson, A Few Good Men. Last Saturday.
Dear YS3,
Glad to see you got that tricky third issue out, eventually. I'd assumed
that you'd all been killed in a tragic golfing accident, or something.
I haven't actually read much of the new issue, as when I eventually found
the download section (cleverly hidden in Back Issues, instead of Pssst as
claimed in your response to my 'letter'), clicked on Issue 3, and after a
long time, nothing happened. I tried again today, and managed to download
it, only to find that it was issue 1. I then downloaded issue 1, only to
find that it was (spook!) issue 1. So I've decided to read issue 1 instead.
(It looks like issue 2 is also issue 2, but I've read that one.)
Also, I'd suggest that you change your 'Next Month' section so that it
refers to next month instead of last month. But not before you give me a
trainspotter.
And another thing... Is that _the_ Vincent Price who's specially thanked in
the credits? Or someone else?
Er, that's it. Bye,
Vincent Lynch, Milton Keynes.
The downloads. Yes, the downloads. Well, I figured it'd make more sense to keep all the issue downloads together, in one place. Anyway, you found the back issues, didn't you? Think of it as an interesting online adventure, with a real prize at the end! (Ahem.) Alright, so the Issue Three download was in the wrong place, and didn't really work. Anyone can make a mistake, can't they? So I'd love to give you a trainspotter award. Unfortunately, I can't. You see, one thing I made sure happened was that all of the pages got uploaded, even if the images and zips didn't. So… The problems you had with ‘Next Month’ is that your browser hasn’t reloaded the page properly. And, of course, a claim for a trainspotter award must itself be error-free, which yours isn't. No trainspotter, I'm afraid.
Yogi Bear, Yogi's First Christmas
YS3,
I feel I must apologise for the letters mix-up in the previous issue.
Bizarrely, the editor of "Your Sex - FREE!" is also called "Nathan Cross",
and the e-mail addresses are amazing similar. I note with interest on page
3 of YS-Free, that the editor there is also having trouble deciding whether
to use Linux or Windows for his cybersex sessions. There is also a feature
on Britney Spears on pages 24-27, and it contains the exact same picture
that you published in the Pssst! section of YS3. YS-Free also managed to
be spectacularly late last issue. These are amazing coincidences!
Chris, via email.
PS "Chris, via email" is not the same person as "Chris, Yatton". In fact, I
don't even know where Yatton is.
Not many people do know where Yatton is. This makes it extremely difficult for Jon, who lives in such a place that Yatton is the only nearby town. At least, he claims it's a town. From what I've seen, it's one street, with a Sainsbury's, a few houses, and lots of fields all around. This makes actually getting to and from his house quite an ordeal for Jon, and people visiting Jon. Myself and a few others visited one of the residents of Yatton once, in order for me to hammer everyone at as many versions of Bomberman as possible (one on the Amiga, Super Bomberman 4, Mega Bomberman and Saturn Bomberman, if anyone's interested). We were stranded there for four hours, waiting for a bus back to civilisation. Yatton is, in fact, the middle of nowhere that people often refer to. To get to Jon's house, you have to get a bus to the middle of nowhere, and then turn right.
Disciplinary Steps
Dear YS3,
I really appreciate the disciplinary steps you have taken to stamp out incompetence in your ranks, but is feeding Jon one hundred kiwi birds humane? I mean, they are such sweet little yellow things, all soft 'n' cuddly. I love 'em, wiv their big eyes, soft feathery downs and musical chirpings.
--
Elmyra, Glasgow
I know it's harsh, but I guarantee you that you'll never see a mistake of any magnitude being made by Jon ever. And if you do, he'll be eating another hundred kiwis.
I Just Can't Get Enough
Forget about why Gap wants everyone in cords, it's their desire to get everybody
into leather that worries me...
--
Nick Humphries
Wayhey!
Fruity
I insist that you put Bella Emberg as this month's Scantily Clad babe. She's
fruity.
Steve, via e-mail.
Ever eager to satisfy our readers (oo-er), I spent fifteen minutes looking for pictures of Bella Emberg. The name sounded familiar, I couldn't think of the face to go with it. To save you lot the trouble of looking for yourselves, do you remember the Russ Abbot Show? Do you remember Blunder Woman? That's Bella Emberg, that is. And thank you, Steve, for introducing me to a new range of funny looks from the people around me while I search for stuff on the internet. You are one sick puppy.
There Can Be Only One
Dear YS3
How do I know that there is indeed more than one person on this 'magazine' of yours? What if 'Jon', 'Jamie' and 'Nathan' are merely fictitous figments of your fiendish imagination, corrupted by time and warped by Rice Crispies into a twisted massacre of literature and life? Just wondering.
Barry, via e-mail
We are all figments of our own imagination. Or something.
Secretly Ironic Giant
Greetings, my fellow dead-Future-Publishing-magazine-admiring chap.
Forgive me if I'm falling into a secretly ironic giant man-trap here, but I regret
to inform you that the YS3 back issue ZIPs don't work in Winzip. Or my copy
of it, anyway. Instead I get the unhelpful message:
"error [C:/etc/blah/ys3_01.zip], start of central directory not found: Zip
file corrupt. Possible cause: file transfer error."
Any idea as to what's going wrong? And any chance of a Winzip friendly
version?
--
Adam Keyte
Oh good. A problem I can get out of without even a moment's thought. Do you know what's gone wrong, readers? That's right - it's a file transfer error. Arf.
Title
Alan Miles and Bruce Gordon please note...
If lack of financial success has hounded you through a session of failed
business ventures, study of the ancient principles of Wrong Shui reveals you can
turn things around by opening a shop selling old rope and hot cakes.
--
Nick Humphries
Erm... Alright then.
Val Kilmer (in The Doors but sometimes out
of them)
erm.....hello
you have a terribly nice magazine thingy which even mentioned llamas
somewhere (or did I dream it?). i think it did.
i think it would be lovely if you did an article on something. don't know
what yet but i'll tell you when i find out.
i must send you a picture of my new jackety/jumpery type thing as it's
really very nice and i think you'd like it.
karma
Odd Bloke, RetroSpec quiet lunatic
You know, karma is actually supposed to be a bad thing, tying you to this earthly realm. There's no such thing as 'good' or 'bad' karma. It's all bad. So you're actually wishing us to be prevented from ascending to a higher plane of existence. Cheers. Still, since you're going to send us a picture of your jackety/jumpery type thing, we'll forgive you. (And anyone unfortunate enough to dream about us deserves all the breaks they can get.)
Real Stuff
Dear YS3,
Did Jon have to write all these letters again, or did you actually get some real stuff this month?
--
Liz, Bristol
Actually, this month Jon's gone AWOL again, so I've had to make quite a few of them up myself. Oh what a giveaway.
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