Event 1 - Pole Vault

The crowd went wild as our two heroes took to the field, flexing their bronzed muscles in preparation for skyscraper-clearing leaps with the help of their trusty pole vaults. Nathan would go first, and, in truly gentlemen-like tradition, take it in turns with Jon to clear the 4m bar.

Nathan receives a truly terrible shot from the neighbouring javelin event.

Too late, Jon realises that his trainers have been glued to the ground and that the pole is pulling his torso over the bar.

Unfortunately, three attempts from each resulted in three faults and… no points. At all. For anyone. Quite possibly because they had no idea what buttons to press. Quick, to the next event!

Event 2 - Diving

For this event, the two athletes were required t hurl themselves from a high diving board into the waiting pool below, showing off their form on the way down to impress the judges and garner points for their troubles. They were a variety of jumps which Nathan recalled required special button-pushing, but with no instructions the two chose to rely on blind luck to see them through. Again.

The shoe-glue joker strikes back on the diving event. Jon is not amused.

That’s Nathan, that is. Bet you thought he couldn’t do that, eh? Us, too.

After a rather disappointing start from Nathan (landing back-first into the water with something resembling a crunch), he proceed to earn a number of 10s and 9.8s from the judges for future efforts. Jon wiggled like a dyspeptic lizard with its legs cut off on each of his jumps, enabling Nathan to storm into the lead after only two events.

Two events down, and Norway lead. Epyx have yet to get a single point.

Event 3 - 400m Relay Race

A simple concept rests behind this, where the two contestants race each other to the finish line, passing the baton they carry onto another member of their team every 100m. Hammering of left and right gets the runners running, making this a true test not only of team work, but of wrist strength.

The next leg of the 400m relay prepare to receive the batons. Jon and Nathan had lost all feeling in their left hand by this point. The wimps.

And, er, again, a bit later on. It was the most exciting shot we could find for the 400m relay. Sorry.

Nathan and Jon were a little too keen to start, getting a couple of false starts as they took off before the starting gun. However, some deep breaths later, they were off with the smoke of said weapon, fingers pounding the keyboard as hard as they could. Nathan slipped into the lead at the start, and for a while it looked as though he had the race “in the bag”, as it were as Jon struggled to produce even half of the running power fuelling Nathan’s unstoppable Norwegians. Yet, with the finish line metaphorically in sight, Jon found an extra burst of speed, pushing his final team member closer and closer to Nathan’s speeding athlete. Inch by inch he slowly but surely gained as the finish tape grew closer and closer, and the keyboard took more punishment than is probably fair. It looked as though Nathan had enough lead to finish ahead, but Jon somehow found the extra energy to pip him by 0.4 of a second, securing gold before collapsing into a heap, clutching his wrists and crying like a baby.

The event ends with the two nations neck-a-neck.

Event 4 - 100m Dash

The simpler version of the previous race, where the first person to run 100m wins. Could it be any simpler? Probably not, which is just as well for Nathan and Jon.

The crowd awaited the start in an awed hush, wondering if Jon could repeat the miraculous events of the previous race. However, after about three seconds it became obvious that Nathan would leave with the gold as he left Jon in the dust with so little effort.

Onto the 100m dash, and Jon is nowhere to be seen. Ah.

Norway go back into the lead, then.