5. Advanced Lawnmower Simulator
Summertime, when the living is easy, fish are jumping and bullfrogs are singing commercials about beer inspired the latest Actual Reality. The cybernetic implants on Robojon had finally been removed, and our hapless contributor felt the need to get back to some more human activities in the shining sun. Fortunately the lawn out back at the YS3 offices hadn’t been cut for the best part of a thousand years - not since the days of King Arthur and Merlin when Lancelot got lost in there for a year - so the answer was obvious: it was time to get out the lawn mower.
Level One: The Lawn
After about three hours of oiling, priming and pulling the cord, the lawnmower finally leapt into life and Jon started cutting the grass, working from side to side as in the game. The other office members stood by to perform some terrible deed that would prevent the grass actually being cut, and for this level it was Phil’s turn. A well-placed stone jolted the mower, which pulled Jon under its cutting blades. Simple but effective. Jamie got out a Goa’uld sarcophagus to resurrect the maimed writer, being careful to pick up all the pieces.
Level Two: The Lawn Again
Suitably restored, Jon tried the whole cutting-the-grass thing again, this time with Nathan poised to perform some terrible act to interrupt his brave efforts. As row after row was cut by the sure blades of the Campari Grassmaster, Jon thought that things were finally going his way and the rest of the team wondered what the calm editor was playing at. Suddenly the sound of cutting grass was replaced with silence, and then a loud scream as Jon and the mower fell into the Mayan Temple that Nathan had cunningly hidden under the YS3 lawn. Much fleeing from boulders, dodging poisoned arrows and avoiding pits of snakes and thwarting evil Nazis (well, Nathan-clones with dodgy German accents and the tendency to yell “Schnell! Schnell! Zis is zee ent of zee line, Herr Jones” left over from the Robocop thing in Bristol) was the order of the day until Jon (and his mower) surfaced in Milton Keynes with the gold from King Solomon’s temple. Unfortunately, he had to use it to buy a ticket back to YS3. Still, you’ve gotta love that jacket, hat, funky stubble and whip that Jon was mysteriously sporting when he got back…
Level Three: Still the Lawn
Undaunted by the last two failures, and with two YS3 team members who still hadn’t “had a go”, Jon and his trusty mower went for the lawn with renewed vengeance. Row after row of grass fell to the might of the Campari Grassmaster, despite its mangled blades and poisoned darts that protruded from the most unlikely of places. Indeed, Jon was well into his stride and the other members of the YS3 office looked quite nervous since nothing bad had happened yet. All except Jamie, who just sat there, sipping iced tea with a tidy grin on his face. And after the fifteenth row, the oddest thing happened. Without there being a cloud in the sky a large shadow came to rest over the lawn, and before Jon could have flashbacks from one of his alien abduction experiences, a large bolt of blue laser struck the spot where he stood with alarming accuracy. Jamie took an extra long sip of the tea, and contentedly laid back in his chair as a large cloud of dust shot skyward.
Level Four: The Last of the Lawn
A quick bit of first aid later, and Jon was ready to give it one last shot. Brushing the soot off the remains of the mower (now most of a handle attached to some charred pointy metal), he set off to finish the last few rows of lawn that stood between him and victory. He seemed to be getting perilously close to the end of the lawn, but David assured his fellows that he had a rather cunning plan if Jon just… got a… bit… closer… And as he finally… got… close… enough, the ice-cream van pulled up, driven by the rather pretty lass from the newsagent down the street. Nathan, David, Jamie and Phil vanished like the prospective YS3 deadline to get a couple of 99s, a mint Feast and a Screwball, leaving Jon to snip the last bit of grass before collapsing in a large, black heap with the deepest of sighs. Nathan prodded him with a stick a few times to make sure he wasn’t dead, then the lads fought over his ice-cream money.
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