YS3

Issue One - June 21, 1999

Oh dear.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Shiny new web-zine goes up, with plenty of time for you lot to send us something interesting, even simple messages wishing us good luck, and what did we receive? What did I find in my mailbox on Monday, June 21, our deadline date (ahem!)? That's right - naff all. Luckily later that day I did receive some e-mail (thanks to Gerard Sweeney and Scribbler!), and since we didn't have much choice, I've had to print more or less everything there. Will anyone send us anything next month, I wonder? Remember to mark your subject box with an obscure line from a sci-fi film.

Nathan Cross

e-mail: nathan_c@ys3.connectfree.co.uk

Dear YS3,
What the heck is Mr. Hyde on? That Double Dragon 3 review was the biggest pile of crap I've seen since I passed a field of cows on my way to the shops yesterday. It's a tremendous game, and a fine finale to a classic series. The action is intense, the levels varied – despite his claims to the contrary – and the whole shop idea adds unrivalled scope to the game as a whole. I want him shot at dawn. I demand satisfaction.
Billy, via e-mail

Well, we aim to please, so I've decided to allow you to extract satisfaction from Mr Hyde. I've booked the top floor of a car park on Saturday for you and he to meet and settle the issue mano-a-mano – a no-holds barred fist-fight to the death (or until someone cries, whichever comes first). Anyone else interested in settling a review score with Mr Hyde should be at the top floor of the Trenchard Street car park at noon. Soft drinks provided.

Dear YS3,
I'm alive and well and living in Pasadena. Groovy mag-thing, by the way.
E, via e-mail

For god's sake, I told you never to contact me at work! What if this line is tapped? Gah, that's my cover blown! (Dives out of nearest open window and runs off, dodging traffic.)

Dear YS3,
Despite your noble crusade to cover the Spectrum scene, your magazine deserves a place in the Dark Ages for your blatant favouritism. Why aren't there any llamas on the reviewing team? Come on, why? How dare you produce yourself in the 90s with such narrow-minded philosophies! Get it right, or we'll be back. We know where you live and what you want for your birthdays. You have been warned.
George, Greenland

We did have a llama on the team. His name was Vernon, and he was going to review Star Wars and Manic Miner. Unfortunately I ran out of Coco Pops at the beginning of last week, and, well, Vernon was closer than the shops. Sorry about that.

Dear YS3,
Like, groovy, man. Funky colors, dude.
Wayne, via e-mail.

Bloody Americans. They come over here, they steal our jobs, our homes, our women, and then, just to add insult to injury, they change our spellings as well. I hate them all.

Dear YS3,
I'm still kinda new to this whole scene, so please forgive my ignorance, but, well, what's a Spectrum?
Bert, via e-mail

Oh god, you're not American as well, are you? You'll be asking what a car boot sale is next.

Dear YS3,
Give me the yellow flump or the hamster gets it. You have been warned.
Unknown, via e-mail

How come the hamster gets it? Why can't I get it? I never get it, it's not fair.

Dear YS3,
That Bubble Bobble review was spot on. I, too, felt robbed by the underachieving conversion Firebird shoved the way of loyal Spectrum owners everywhere. I had to buy a PC to enjoy it properly. But then I discovered Sam and Max Hit the Road, which helped. And Doom. Cracking games. But I digress: the point is, Bubble Bobble on the Speccy wasn't good enough. What about those Monkey Island games, eh? That Guybrush Threepwood. Oh, I laughed so much milk flowed from my nose. Sorry… shame on you Firebird. Hurrah YS3. You know what I liked most about TIE Fighter? Excuse me.
Jack, Brighton

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. There is only one person in the entire world who could possibly agree with the absolute panning Bubble Bobble received, and that's the person who wrote the review. And trying to distract me, Mr Hyde, by talking about Doom just isn't going to work at all. Although Doom is a fine game. If only there was a half-decent version for the Speccy, eh? I really do love that game. Here, hang on, what was I talking about again? Um... Doom. Yes. Great game. Agree with everything you say, Jack.

Dear YS3,
Looks pretty good so far, lads. The issue was a bit late, but, well, teething problems and all that. How about a feature on newer conversions of Speccy classics?
Roy, via e-mail

There were going to be a few actually, but unfortunately I had to go to work, so I wasn't able to write any. Try again tomorrow.

Dear What People Carrier,
Good afternoon. I was wondering if you could tell me what tread I should be looking for on new tyres for my S-reg Renault Espace? And, is it really worth going for the diesel model rather than petrol?
Sincerely, James (via e-mail)

Well, that's not really my department, but I'll have a go anyway… You should be looking for quite deep tread with some nice zig-zaggy bits. And you shouldn't be using either diesel or petrol – horrible fossil-fuels, both. You should be using an electric car. How about a C5?

Dear YS3,
Where's your Saturn coverage?
Kim, Glasgow

We've actually covered every major new Saturn release for the last three months in this issue. Weren't you paying attention?

Dear YS3,
Misogynistic sexist apes! Where's the female reviewer? Don't think women play video games, is that it? Don't think we can hack it? Well, mate, you just get your beer belly-shaded butt down to Wireplay and I'll wipe your intestines off the floor with it.
Julie, Ohio

Actually, I did try to persuade a girl to write something. Here's how the conversation went:
ME: 'Hi, is that Claire?'
CLAIRE: 'What? Who are you?'
ME: 'Uh, Nathan. You remember me, don't you?'
CLAIRE: 'Yes, I remember you. I told you not to call me again, didn't I?'
ME: 'Yes, I know. But you see, I'm trying to put this website together...'
CLAIRE: 'Is this the same as last time? I told you before, you are not taking any photos of me!'
ME: 'No, no, it's not...'
CLAIRE: 'Now for Christ's sake, stop bloody phoning me! I'll call the police next time!'
Then the line went dead. If any girls out there do want to write stuff for YS3, they can get in touch via e-mail. Provided they include a scanned photo.

Dear YS3,
I like the "101 Things To Do Whilst Your Speccy Loads" feature and agree with most of the reviews (Bubble Bobble was great on the Spectrum!). Have you considered using a grade system for the score at the end? The percentage system is as old as the hills and has lost meaning over the decades it's been in use. Just a thought.
Sara, Portsmouth.

Yes, I have thought about it. And yes, it has pretty much lost meaning. But do you know what? I simply don't care a fig for your out-of-ten scales. Degrees are fun. Degrees are good.

Dear YS3,
How come you've got letters up here already? You're not really sad types who write yourselves mail, are you?
Roger, via e-mail

Oh what a giveaway.

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