Uh-oh. Apparently someone
wrote in and complained last
month that I was single-handedly
killing the Speccy by giving some
rubbishy old re-releases some
crap marks, so I'm under instructions from Linda to be really
positive this month. Which gives
me a bit of a problem. Because
this game's completely useless.
What on Earth am I going to do?
I suppose I could wibble on
harmlessly about the plot for a
few lines, I
can't
get in much trouble with that...
Zoids is a game licenced from a
collection of little plastic robot
toys that were slightly popular for
about five minutes in 1986 or
thereabouts. You control a little
Blue Zoid who's searching for the
lost and scattered pieces of a
really big and tough Blue Zoid in
order to attack and destroy a horrendously evil big and tough Red
Zoid. This you do by destroying
little Red Zoid cities (with the aid
of remote-control missile attacks)
and searching through the rubble
to see if there are any Big Blue
Zoid bits lying around. Um...
(drat, ran out of plot.)
(I guess I could always try to
sound constructive by going
through all the game's
good points...) There's a
slightly entertaining
sub-game where
you fire a missile at
a bad guy and
actually have to
direct it to the
target in a fast-moving 3D-view
sequence which
is quite good fun,
and, er (drat,
ran out of good
points.)
(Maybe I
could mention the bad
points really quickly in the smallest number of words possible
and hope nobody was really paying attention...) It's incredibly
repetitive; the way that your Zoid
will refuse to follow your commands if it feels endangered is
really annoying; the pixel-perfect
accuracy you have to use on the
totally invisible boundary of a
destroyed city if you want to find
the missing bits of the big Blue
Zoid is stupendously ridiculous;
the whole thing moves painfully
slowly; the graphics are totally
crap, just black screens with the
odd blue oval shape and lots of
pointless icons; nothing very
much ever really happens; it's
one of the most frustrating
games you'll ever play; if you do
suffer it for long enough to get to
the end, it isn't worth it; it's completely... (drat, ran out of space.)
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