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So, what's the juicy gossip this month? There isn't any! Ha ha, April Fool! There's actually zillions. What better place to start than with Richard Tidsall from US Gold, "Hi, it's Tizzy here. Thought I'd let you know what US Gold is up to. World Games should be ready for release in April and you should also be seeing Temple Of Terror, Sword Of Samurai and Express Raider pretty soon. We've also got a brilliant arcade game from Ultimate called Bubbler. You have to stop wicked aliens escaping from a load of bottles." Put a cork in it! "I beg your pardon." The bottle I mean. "Oh I see! Anyway, must fly. Bye!" Talking of bottles, Elite is bringing out Six Pack for Easter. It'll contain Antiriad, Scooby Doo, 1942, Jet Set Willy II, Fighting Warrior, Split Personalities and a new game called Duet. Hang on a minute -- that's seven!! That should give you more six appeal! Which reminds me, Tom 'Yes I do look like Charles Dance, don't I?' Watson rang with some news on Beyond. Star Trek is nearly finished on the ST but nothing can be finalised until everyone and his dog (woof) vaguely connected with Star Trek okay yahs it! The Speccy version should be out in April to coincide with the release of the film, though it's got naff all to do with it. In fact Beyond isn't allowed to tie in anything with the film which is why it's changing the title to Star Trek: The Rebel Universe. Highly logical I must say. There's also Druid II but watch this page (it does tricks) for more details. Brrrrrrring brrrrrrring! "Hello, it's Mike Daniels. Guess what Konami's new releases are? Give up yet? Well, one begins with S and the other with J, bu' can't tell you any more than that or I'll get kneecapped. Well, they're actually...ugh... help..." The phone's gone dead. Never mind. If you can keep a secret I'll tell you the title - it's actually Alas Smith And Jones based on the singers Ned Jones and Englebert Humperdink Smith. You'd never believe it would you? Shock horror - I can't finish T'zers 'cos BT has gone on strike and all the phones are down. How am I going to get in touch with people now? Thwack! Ouch. Flippin' eck, a rock just hurtled through the window. Yummy! It's got something written through the middle. Battle Of The Bands. Hey wow, it's Gremlin's new rock music game. Astonishing. Gremlin is also doing a sequel to Bounder - Bounder II (incredibubble!) Crunch... chomp.. and this bit... yeurch, it's all sticky... says it's doing a game based on MASK, the cartoon series and - oooh la la, what 'ave we 'ere - Tour De Force, a bike racing game. Hey, there's Phil. "Pant... pant... puff... wheeze. Hey, T'zer, I just ran into Greg Follis..." Did he mind? "No, but he did tell me that Gargoyle is thinking of bringing out another game based on the street environment like Shockway Rider but that's a bit up in the air." A bit like you really. "How's that for a Philler?" You're fired! Yum, yum, yum. I lurve beetroot and banana sandwiches. It gives me an incentive to carry on working. And how 'strordinary that Incentive happens to be working on a very big project that lan Andrews can't talk about - maybe he's got laryngitis. Now for some really hot gossip - Bubblebus has licensed The Kenny Everett Video Show. In the first game Kenny will actually appear on the screen by being shrunk down to actual pixel size by a contraption called a migitiser. Groovy, ma cheries. Watch out for it later this century. What's this? A package with a secret tape in. Let's play it back to see what it says. Good heavens, that's disgusting! All that panting and groaning. Oops, sorry, I put my Dame Edna workout tape on by mistake... noises of tape shuffling... crackle... plonk... click. Well, stap me vitals, Hewson is working on loads of projects. There's Exolon, an arcade game, another arcade game project called Project for the time being and Somerset And Dorset - a steamy game along the lines of Southern Belle. Oh haylp, there's a traaain coming right to get little ol' me! Oh, it's Traxxion from CRL - you're a reactor in space travelling round a military monorail on a train that's unstoppable. All you can do is shoot the points to change direction. It's also bringing out Daystar (a kind of Gauntlet with a difference) and NATO Assault, a strategy game on the army. They'll all be out in June. Yee-hah! Wars seem to be rather popular at the moment - CCS is releasing Zulu Wars (Um Bongo, they drink it in the jungle) and Yankee - based on the American Civil War. And talking of Yankees, which we were, here's a satellite message from JR. "Hi there. Swellin, Barby and me, well we thought you'd like to know that we've just been licensed by... drawl... Macsen. I get shot by that idiot Barnes but he mistakes Miss Ellie for me. Swellin goes on the wagon and Pam has a brain implant. But then we all wake up and realise it was only in the script. Should be real good." Dallas will be out by the time little John Ross is courting dames. Maybe that satellite was the same one that stars in Martech's latest project, Satellite Wars (SDI). It takes place in 2006 when the Star Wars programme launched by Ronald 'okay Ed' Raygun is at its climax. Keep your optic devices peeled for an a-mazing arcade shoot 'em up called Pulsator and Pyramid Power - a game with a difference. G'day sports! Mastertronic must be pretty loaded 'cos we hear it just went out and bought a cauliflower, 2lbs of steak, a bottle of tomato ketchup, oh and Melbourne House. Not so much a take over - more a down under cobbors. But never fear 'cos it'll still be producing full price games like Lord Of The Rings - The Arcade Game and Doc The Destroyer who's a futuristic superhero on a quest to save the world from impending doom. All games will be £7.95 from now on. Yippee! Something fishy's been going on at Piranha. Eel tell you what it is. Berk is back in the autumn in a sequel to Trap Door. It's going to be quite different to the original, though it'll still have those amazing graphics. It'll also be releasing Yogi Bear (okay Boo Boo) and Roy Of The Rovers sometime in the summer. Sounds great. Ariolasoft has lots of booty for you to play with. There's Death Scape and Dog Fight 2187 on the Starlight label, both fast action arcade thingybobs, and Starfox on the Reaktor label. This one's got solid modelled graphics (filled vector ones) that rotate and it's sure to get you in a tizzy. "Did someone mention my name?" No Richard. What a coincidence - another software company that begins with A - Argus. It's got a new game called Tube coming out in April on the Quicksilva label. Infogrames is launching a game that begins with A. It really is a funny old world, oh? Apocalypse is a war game that was originally developed by another company but was never released. It's been tarted up and should be pretty nifty. Life on the Ocean wave is obviously fun. Gary The Gambler from Ocean tells me that it's releasing Slapfight fairly soon. It's a shoot 'em up that's based on the Taito coin-op. "It's cost me a fair penny though on the bets I've had with Paul Finnegan on getting the highest score." Ocean's also releasing a follow-up to Donkey Kong that'll be called Mario Brothers. Well, that's it'for T'zers, though I'll leave you with a T'zer to be going on with. If you've got eagle eyes (and groping hands) you'll have noticed that there are a couple of red herrings this month. If you know what they are write in and tell me and the first person with the correct answer wins a - raw red herring. Pooh! Teresa Maughan
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