STAR LETTER BOURNE FREE A few weeks ago I was in the big city when I looked around and saw something on the wall. Above this thing on the wall was a sign that said Rathbone Place. Strange, I thought, signs don't normally speak. Then I thought, where have I heard of Rathbone Place? That's it, Sherlock Holmes. No, it's something more important than that. Then it hit me Even stranger, a sign hitting me. Rathbone Place is the location of the legendary Castle Rathbone.     It wus then that I saw 14 Rathbone Place. But where was the castle? Not even a hut. I wandered into the building, ready to fight off any mega-loonies like Troubleshootin' Pete or even Hex Loader. Instead I was confronted by a charming receptionist. I looked around the magazines on your shelves only to find.. the Samantha Fox special. Unfortunately, I didn't have enough money for it so I bought the new YS (A wise choice if I might say so. S Fox)     I think that l should receive some sort of token of appreciation for not revealing more about the exploits of Rathbone Place. Mike Bourne Middlesbrough, Cleveland And that was how it began. A normal YS reader (well, as normal as a YS reader can be) on a day much like any other. And suddenly his whole world falls apart. Yes, he had entered the Twilight Zone... of Castle Rathbone. He was on those travels from which no Bourne returns. Ed

CORNISH PATSY
Okay, I know I haven't been reading YS on a regular basis but since I returned to Cornwall I've purchased your entertaining production and I've found it a most useful publication, full of wit and charm! Only one thing mystifies me, what is a T'zers when whatever it is, is at home?
Alastair MacFarlane
Redruth, Cornwall

When it's at home it's really happy. It's just when it's here that the problems start. T'zer

WELL "POP" MY CLOGS
We are a computer based pop group. (Makes a change from all those computer generated ones. Ed) Extremely up'n'coming. Record company interest = Virgin, Stiff, WEA, A&M, Chrysalis. TV = That's Life, Lift Off, Whistle Test, Tomorrow's World blah blah. And oodles more. Our latest scam is that we've just been featured on The Archers. Can you believe that cutesey-pies! In the very episode on the demise of Dan Archer! Elizabeth called us "wild and wow!" -- neat huh? Eddie Grundy developed an unnatural interest in P.A's. (P.A.'s what? On second thoughts don't tell me. Ed) This makes us "cred". (Ahem, that's what you think! Ed) And there's more to come - so tune in.
    We're the first pop group ever to be featured in the plot and we're to have two songs played.
    In the 'live' situation, we show computer graphics on banks of TVs behind us - all visuals are Dr J's dept. On our tape we also have what we call Blipverts - to be loaded into the Spectrum etc. So, this is the situation. We'd like:
    1 A pop-feature in your mag. Xenophobia starts and ends with us. (Eh? Ed).
    2 To ask all your up'n'coming whizz kids to send us their computer visuals/games/ideas etc to be used for a video and 'live'. We can't offer any money to anyone (yet) but we will credit them and hopefully we can work with some of them.
    3 To pass on this letter, after use, to your 'sponsorship' dept, to talk seriously to us.
Yo-Yo
Le LuLus
PS Read the 'rap' sheet!

I hope you're ashamed of yourselves. There's Dan, upholder of the Archer dignity for at least the last five hundred years, yeoman farmer, parish councillor, Englishman, on his deathbed while you're out there encouraging the young Archers to say things like wow and wild. Oh, 'tis a naughty world we live in.
    And now you're looking to corrupt the YS "whizz" "kids" with your offers of fame and future fortune. I ask you... Er, I ask you to send stuff to us and we'll pass it on to Le LuLus. And if the interest is great enough we'll certainly follow up with a feature on the band in "action ".
    Oh, and as soon as I track down anyone who owns up to being in the "sponsorship" department I shall surely pass our letter on. Can't say I hold out much hope though. It's tricky enough extracting our own sponsorship money once a month. Still, life must be full of ups'n'downs for someone called Yo-Yo. Wow and... er wild! Ed
    

RUNCORN PLASTERED
This time you and your magazine have gone too far!! I have maintained a discreet silence about the gradual decline in standards that YS is exhibiting, including attention grabbing pictures of scantily clad Amazonian women amongst other things. (Put your clothes on, T'zer! Ed) However, in May's issue you went too far and I have been spurred into action.
    I find the comments made by Rick in his review of FA Cup Football highly offensive. How dare he insult such a cherished institution as Runcorn A.F.C. and their fans. We don't need to "leap into the third round" thank you. We are on our way to Wembley to play Altrincham in the final of the FA Trophy right now! If Rick did his homework he'd find that the Linnets have sent "ripples of shock" through league teams before and the likes of Liverpool and Arsenal hold no ears for the stalwarts of Canal treet.
    So, unless you publish an immediately unqualified apology from Rick I shall never buy another copy of YS. It's about time someone cried "enough" to your provocative journalism.
John Catherall
Allestree, Derby

Here we go, here we go, here we go... There we went, there we went, there we went. Shame it wasn't to Wembley. Ah well, at least Rick has withdrawn from his provocative pose. What's that Rick? You no longer believe they're a team of scantily clad Amazonian women. And you think the Linnets time will come again? When's that Rick? Ah when ' Stanley Matthews regains his England place. Hmmm. Ed

DISLOCATED HIP
Hippa-dee-doo-da and Troubleshootin' Pete was never seen again. Oh YS, what's happened to From The Hip. Quote ish 4, "...different accent next issue". Quote ish 5, "...but he'll be back next month..." So where is he? Surely he's not still on holiday? Has he got lost in the village in the Back-of-Beyond (do I win the compo?)? T.P. where are you?
    Also I've got some news for Noel "Smartypants" Wallace. My bruv has a Quickshot and it's still in perfect condition after 1 year, 1 week, 2 days, 7 hours 32 minutes (at the time of writing) of game playing, including a fair bash at the joystick-bashing Decathlon. Na-na-ne-na-na Noel!
    Thumbs up for Sandra Vogel - great letter, one up for women's lib. (Bash the Ed for me T'zer, pleeze.)
Lisa Gilbert
Maidstone, Kent
PS Hope I wore out the brackets on the office typewriter!

Okay, taking your points in reverse order, here goes:
    1 )))))))))((((((((( 2 Ouch! 3 Smartypants is quite capable of looking after himself.
    4. And now for the hot poop on T.P. The good news is that, yes, he came back off his rather extended hols. The bad news is that he's decided to go off on his own and start his own company - Trouble Unlimited was the suggested title but for some strange reason he didn't seem too keen on that. Stranger still is that we see more of him at Castle Rathbone now than we did when he was working full time. And he still insists on reading the Letters page over my shoulder. Go awaaaay! Ed Tee-hee! T.P.

ENDGAME
I have to agree with Andrew 'when will he stop being modest' Hunter, who wrote in ish 5 about game endings. The best end to a game I've seen is Max Headroom where the ending has to be loaded separately. Pity I can't make out a word Max says.
    But at least he speaks more sense than Mark Devlin, aged 14 (months?) did...
Chris Jackson
Chesterfield, Derbyshire

We are not, repeat not, starting that one up again. Before you know it we'll have him writing in again. Oh no, talk of the Devlin...

You may remember me, I'm that perfect Commodore guy whom you all love to hate so much. I was very surprised to see my letter in your pathetic excuse for a magazine and . . .
Mark Devlin
Troon, Ayrshire

Phew you've got a nerve. Mind you, never was a truer word spoken... You are indeed 'the perfect Commodore guy' - a first-class banana. Ed

WAR CORRESPONDENCE
In your June issue you raise the moral objections to a game bused on the Falklands war. From a philosophical point of view, there's clearly no difference between, say, the battles of Arnhem and the Falklands war, except perhaps the question of scale.
    The difference is emotional. The battle for Arnhem is an episode in a war that has been long concluded and where all the sides agreed on the outcome. The Falklands war, however, is not yet over and one side is still pressing its claims. We in Britain are not quite sure that the sacrifice has gained a victory. The other emotional point is the question of time; the war is simply too recent for the grief to have diminished sufficiently and the nationalistic outburst also takes time to subside.
Pat McCarthy
Bootie, Merseyside

I'm not sure I agree with you when you say that all wars are the same from a philosophical point of view - are they all good, all bad or does it just come down to which side you fight on? What you haven't told us is whether your attitude to wargames is dependent on your different emotional response to recent battles as opposed to earlier conflicts...

I totally agree with S Komor's letter in YS6 about Falklands '82 and wargaming in general; the game is very simplified but hardly bad taste - for that you have to look at offerings like Rambo or Sam Fox Strip Poker.
    I've been playing board, figure and now computer wargames for over ten years but I don't find any contradiction in also being a member of CND. As you mentioned in your answer to S Komor's letter, it seems to be that the nearer a game gets to the present, the more worried some people become over the taste or indeed the morality of wargames. I think that this is because the more recent wars can be 'experienced' at secondhand through films and television and so have a greater impact than earlier conflicts.
    Wargame/simulations are a study of the mechanics of warfare rather than the glorification of violence: if you object to wargames then you also ought to re-examine 'conflict' games such as chess. That's got that off my chest, now, how about a regular wargames/simulation column? I don't know how many other gamers will write in, but there's a lot of us around and at one army a piece... you have been warned.
    Waiting for my Speccy to roll a six.
John Weller
Kingston, Surrey

Hmmm. Interesting thought. All games are based on conflict to some degree even if it just comes down to "beating" the computer, so to what extent are we on dodgy ground when we play games? I'd like to refer you to my treatise entitled The Reduction Ad Absurdam Of Games Playing With Reference To Wittgenstein's Linguist. T'zer put those scissors down. I'm the only one allowed to cut SNIIIIP! You had to start him off again didn't you? I dunno. T'zer

GRUB UP
Hey come on! I've just finished reading Time Travel in June's ish and now I think I've had a close encounter (hey man - what's happening, I think I've been here before). Has Mama been to the cinema lately to see The Terminator starring Arnold Black'n'Decker - the story is very similar.
    You'll tell me next that the robot is going to wreak havoc on the world, and try to get Dave Rogan. Of course, the weapons the world has are no good against the robot. But Dave comes to the rescue and writes the Time Travel program again and sends the robot into oblivion.
    Tell me this is not true and I'll eat my Spectrum!
Charly
Finedon, Northants

It's not true. Ed

ICON DO IT
While playing The Young Ones and listening to Rick telling me that everything's pretty anarchic and Vyvyan telling me what a *!!+%* Neil is, I came across a bug (Not in Neil's underpants I hope! Ed). In the kitchen, if you aren't Neil and he's in there, don't open the fridge. Why? Because even though Neil shuts it, the computer still thinks it's open and won't let you go till you close it. But Shut isn't on the icon menu. So, you're stuck there! I listened to the radio for ten minutes or so - and then pulled the plug.
David "Jetset" Willmott
Letchworth, Herts

Thass completely ber-illiant. Why don't you go and stick yer foot through the telly you great girly. Ain'tchoo got no imagination? Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD Having just flicked through the wonderfully super-hero-ish 5 (geddit? - Batman for all of those who missed it, shame on you) I was shocked and amazed to notice a mistake which may make my presently dull and uninteresting life into one of pride and honour when I became the happy owner of a coveted Trainspotter Award.     I am, of course, referring to Frontlines, page 8, where to my horror I noticed a Speccy+ sitting proudly in front of Domark's new medium resolution monitor which was displaying a (wait for it) screen shot of the 128 version of Gladiator. Had this Speccy just had an overdose and flunked or is the YS Art Ed being paid by Domark to tart up its pics.     Well, you can't fool an intelligent YS reader (yes, there are some of us about) like me, so send me one of those controversial, highly talked about and most prestigious of Trainspotter Awards, please. Dave Pauling Troon, Ayrshire PS Subs for the mag should be rolling in by now. After all, why would anyone want to shoot the warm, generous (I hope) likeable and friendly person which the Ed most certainly must be. Now what makes me think that you're trying to get round me? How dare you incinerate that I might be open to flattery. Money's what I want, you dolt! It wasn't even our piece of pictorial deception (who said, for a change?) but Domark's. Still, it was a good bit of trainspotting... and I'm sure my cheque's in the post. Isn't it? Ed

SHERRY TRIFLE
One day last year I went into o shop.
    I was looking for a good magazine on pop.
    I looked up and thought to myself,
    For there was YS on the middle shelf.
    I picked it up and flicked through the pages,
    Then looked in my purse.
    Phew! I had my wages.
    When I got home and reached into my bag,
    I pulled out, yes, the YS mag.
    Every month from that day on
    From that shop one copy of YS has gone.
    Really I have to turn myself in.
    You see, behind this, there is a sin.
    I buy YS every month as planned
    But I haven't a Spectrum, you do understand.
    Nor a QL. No computer have I.
    I would be grateful if you print this letter,
    And from what I've read, Ed I hope you get better.
Sherry Elliott
Edinburgh
PS If any of you lads want to drop me a line
    My address is in Pen Pals, okay? Fine.

Cor, innit easy, this poetry lark,
    All you need is the creative spark.
    It's one way of getting your letter read
    And you can burble on at great length as I do all the time without actually saying very much just so long as you remember that the end words rhyme. Ed

WHACKO
While I was playing Back To Skool I came across a bug. I got 10600 lines and kept running till l came to the room between the Yellow Room and the Head's Office and waited until Wacker entered then catapulted 'im. When he was scratching his nut I went to the girl's school and kissed me girlfriend so I had 9600 lines then I went back to Wacker to slag him and what did he do? He expelled me!
David 'Gremlin Sweevo
Zip Zap Cool Person
Postachio" Elliott (phew!!)
aged 13 3/4 Edinburgh,
Scotland

Jolly good show too. We're too soft by half on you youngsters today. When I was a lad, we were all beaten till we couldn't stand up and beaten again so we couldn't sit down. And it never did me any harm, did it Colonel? Ed Course not. It's just that all that beating scrambled his brain a bit. T'zer

MEGAWHAT?
I just thought I would write and complain about your so-called magazine. (You might as well, everyone else does. Ed. Let's all say aaah! T'zer) The first thing I don't like is the repeated use of the word "mega". Mega this, mega that, all over the place. Why don't you find an editor with a larger vocabulary? Don't get the wrong idea. I don't buy your magazine. I just flick through my friend's copy. (Oh, that's alright then. For a moment there I thought you'd actually dished out the dosh for it. Ed)
Jamie Smith
Whitton, Middlesex

Haven't you sussed it yet. The reason the Ed keeps on using the word "mega" is because he's a megalomaniac! T'zer And here's a megaton bomb for you to be going on with. Ed

UPPSALADAISY
No rails without trains. No trains without trainspotters. No trainspotters without a pen and paper. No pens and papers without trees. No trees without oxygen. No oxygen without germs or Jean-Michel Jarre. I know everything about germs, thanks to Firebird's Comet game. No, I haven't finished it but I've found some bugs and messages in it. First, get into Pause Mode by pressing Caps Shift and Space. Now press A and Symbol Shift or R + V? Well, at least try 7 and Q or Space and 6. D'you think it's a long way to the Comet? Well, press 9 and 0 in Pause Mode! I just wonder how Empire is, the latest megagame from Firebird. Please, can you buy it for me (Q and P) and send it to me because I come from Sweden.
Calle Nordlund
Uppsala, Sweden

What is the lad wittering on about. I preferred the letters that just went hurdie hurdie ho. I could handle them. Ed
    

SMALL PRINT Has YS ever thought of having an agony aunt column? How about Teresa (kiss, kiss) Maughan? Alec McAllister Waterford, Eire If you're looking for agony that's the quickest way to go about it. Ed. Don't you listen to him, dears. If you've got any little problems that you want me to sort out for you just drop me a line. Will you do that for me? Will you, Ioveys, will you? T'zer Hisoft's Pascal is really O:OK and no bugs (hint hint), anyone want to communicate with me in Pascal can do so at the address below. K Douglas Formby Er, O:OK. Ed What about a Teresa Maughan's Strip Poker? Macho Sevilla, Espana What about it? Ed Oooh, I've come over all in a Royal Flush! T'zer I've written this letter twice already but nothing has happened. Andrew Dellbridge Hornchurch, Essex You have to post them you know! Ed

Doodlebugs