HAMPTON WITS
Have you seen Sam Fox Strip Poker yet?
    You haven't Well... hee, hee. We have and boy, what a cracker.
    One day, my fellow Sam fan and I sat innocently (I bet! Ed) in front of our Speccy with a copy of said game and this is what happened:
    1 When Sam's cash dropped to about £800 she began to take off her gloves.
    2 At £600 she was pictured wearing what looked like a shirt. (Keep cool Ed).
    3 At around the £400 mark she sheds her shirt revealing her frillies. (How's your blood pressure Ed?).
    4 Now if you're lucky and you reduce her score to £'200 you'll be confronted by a picture of Sam with one strap of her brassiere hanging off her left shoulder. Get the straight jacket!!
    5 if you get Sam's score down to below £'30... (The rest of this letter has been censored for a couple of very good reasons. Ed).
    Do we get a prize for completing it? If so could it be a night out with Samantha?
Nell Sleeman and John
Stone
Hampton, Middx
PS We'll bring the cards!

I'm not having such licentiousness in the Letters page. There'll be no prize for you. I reckon you ought to take a cold shower each and not come out until your fingers have gone all wrinkly. And don't forget to dry between your toes. Ed

COMMIE PLOT
I've just read Mark Devlin's letter (YS6) in which he sings the praises of a certain well known Commie machine. Bleeeeuuurgh!
Andrew Toone
Nuneaton, Warks

Oh no, I should've guessed that letter would've started something. "Mr" Devlin should think himself very lucky that he didn't have to plough through all his "fan" mail...

I think Mark Devlin is pathetic. How can he say that the Spectrum only boasts games like Horace Goes Ski-ing and Chequered Flag. He conveniently seems to overlook Movie, Nightshade, Alien 8, Sweevo's World, (Streuth there's tons of this stuff- snip. Ed) Rainbo. Sai Combat, Skool Daze, Batman, Way Of The (Okay, okay, I think we get the idea. Ed) Frank Bruno's Boxing, know what I mean, 'Arry, Barry McGuigan's (Are you still here cloth ears? Ed), Superbowl, Turb(Go away! Ed)o Esprit, Lord Of The Rings, Dun Darach, Tomahawk (Shaddup! Ed)...
Peter Cashmore
Waiverhampton, Staffs

You wait till I get my hands on you, Mark Devlin. Oh no, here comes the Hell's Angels...

Who was the bl**dy idiot that let that poor deranged C..... 64 owner loose in the letters section? Whoever it was deserves to be shot. (I very nearly was too - see this month's subscriptions ad. Ed) So what about superior graphics, games etc? If it wasn't for the Spectrum and its predecessors like the ZX81 these C..... owners would still be swinging from the trees, let alone owning a personal computer. As for loading times, I can remember waiting half an hour for a C..... 64 game to load. Admittedly this was a few years back (God, I'll be revealing my age next). As for the games he cared to name, the majority of them were converted from the original Spectrum format to that of the 64. And for my final twist of the dagger, at least if I wish to program in Basic, I can, without PEEKing and POKEing to obtain the function I require, and without forkingJ out another £36 (I think) for the Simon's Basic cartridge.
    So beware, my friend, of large bearded people on British motorcycles - it may be me!
    To end on a cheerful note - nice mag YS!
The long-haired bearded
person on the BSA A65L
Ashford, Kent

So, let this be a warning to anyone else who thinks he can creep up and take advantage of the good nature, friendly demeanour and general bonhomie of your average Speccy owner. You'll have your head bitten off! Any Amstrad owners want to give it a go? Ed But I thought we were all Amstrads under the black plastic casing now! T.P. Don't start them off again. Ed.

BLANC LOOKS
My husband challenged my son to a game of Transformers by Ocean. My husband scored 20,965 and my son, Liam, 815,060. Nothing unusual you might say, but my son is only five years old. Is this a record?
Bettine Blanc
Basingstoke, Hants

If it's black, flat and circular with a hole in the middle, then the answer's probably yes. Boom boom. Ed

STAR LETTER POW SPLAT I've got a copy of Rambo and when I shoot the Russian helicopter the game crashes..."     How many times have I heard that? Well, in your May issue you had two guys complaining about Rambo. Don't despair, 'cos I'm here with the solution.     After rescuing the remaining PoWs from the camp, go back into the helicopter and keep your fingers on the up and left keys. When you get to the top of the playing area you should see a load of hangars and an 'H'. Land your chopper and step behind or inside a hangar and you'll be congratulated by a tinkly tune! Calm Chung Islington, London Thanks Calm but you didn't expect all those Rambrains out there to work all that out. It's hard enough getting them to remember the one instruction SHOOT! Ed

POCKET MONEY

Why didn't Sir Clive let on? It wasn't till l read this in Popular Computing Weekly that I knew the full extent of Sir's debt.
Phil Long
Kilburn, London

If only he'd told us earlier, we'd have had a whip-round at Castle Rathbone. Ed

FUNKY GIBBONS
I am writing to you about the most boring subject that can be written about. No, not C5's, no not even pocket TV's. I am putting forward three theories and three contra-theories on software piracy...
Dezzy Gibbons
Co Meath, Ireland

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... did someone speak!? Ed

TORN OFF A STRIP
I've been reading your mag since the days when the cover picture actually gave some hint that it was a computer publication and I've even had the odd contribution of my own printed on occasion. But I'm afraid that issue 5 prompts me to write to you with a genuine complaint.
    The problem is your Time Travel comic strip (fortunately now concluded). Things started to look a bit dubious when the female character started discarding her clothing for no apparent reason - silly, but tolerable. But then we are 'treated' to the sadistic trash in issue 5 which is quite unjustifiable. No doubt the perpetrators obtain some obscure satisfaction from the concept of 'Woman in Peril saved by Wimp turned Superhero', and there is undoubtedly adequate precedent for it in the comic-book genre. But there are many ways of depicting this type of scenario in a tolerably acceptable fashion without detracting from the excitement or entertainment value of the story.
    Certain of the pictures on page 85 were offensive and tasteless in the extreme - and please don't give me the 'people can tell the difference between fantasy and reality' garbage - there are some who can't.
    Besides which it's the insidious inculcation of the concept that abuse of women in such a way is acceptable in certain situations, if they are sufficiently divorced from 'reality' which is considerably more dangerous than the transient nastiness of the pictures themselves.
    I'm only pleased to see that this particular piece of sexist drivel is no longer polluting your pages and I hope that you will not be ill-advised enough to include any more such, in what is otherwise a pretty good magazine.
Jim Grimwood
London

Strong words - as well as a few long ones! But your accusation's an important one and deserves a serious answer. Firstly, it wasn't our intention to be sexist but I know there's sometimes a big difference between intent and result. And I'd be fibbin' if I said that I wasn't a bit jittery about some bits of the strip - there's a certain amount of truth in the cartoon below. Nevertheless, I still don't reckon it's as terrible as you make out. For a start, I believe you'd be hard pushed to find someone who couldn't tell the difference between fantasy and reality. The argument's not very strong when used about television programmes but it falls over if you apply it to a comic strip involving time travel, robots, and the loopy idea that Commodore computers could possibly survive into the next century. C'mon. Agreed, some of the scenes in the cartoon may have been a bit shocking but no more than a lot of early evening telly programmes (or other cartoon strips for that matter) and what violence there was, was certainly not directed specifically against women.
    And now that the cartoon's finished, I'd like to hear what the rest of you thought of it - do you prefer the style of our new strip or can you see Rogan making a return from the dead? But before we drop the subject, here's a slightly more light-hearted view of the subject. Ed.

I freely admit that I'm not a great one for spotting errors in hex-code. As for train-spotting, you could park a Bayer-Garratt in the middle of a list of Assembler and I wouldn't notice. But I did spot the glorious bloop in Program: Time Travel in which the heroine gained a pair of leather tights in a marvellous continuity error! Now I can only assume that either the art editor was overcome by the thought of an underdressed heroine or a page was inadvertently missed out.
    

    Charitably assuming the latter, I duly searched carefully and came up with the missing sheet. Now with continuity restored and legs decently covered, I trust that blushes will be spared all round.
Philip C Webb
St Albans

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD I claim the trainspotter award for YS issue 5. Concealed in the answers to the Fly Me Compo, there it was, glaring for all to see.     The speed of sound 331.46 metres/second? Sure, at 0°C. But where are you going to find 0°C over the Bay of Biscay? The mean annual temperature of the air at sea level in that area is 15°C. Assuming a lapse rate of 1.98°C per 1000 feet as in the International Standard Atmosphere, the level of the 0°C isotherm will be approximately 7576 feet.     Even allowing for seasonal variations over land at, say, Bordeaux, the mean monthly temperatures range from +5°C to +22°C (this variation will be less over the Bay), putting the 0°C isotherm at approximately 2525 feet and 11,111 feet respectively. Come on, whose leg are you trying to pull? Does Concorde really fly that low during these runs?     Surely the altitude is more likely to be above 36090 feet, where in an International Standard Atmosphere an isothermal layer is assumed to start, its temperature being -56.5°C. (Er, yes - or rather no. Ed). At this temperature the speed of sound is approximately 295 metres/second, giving an error of over 10% in your answer!     The correct answer to allow for any deviations in temperature, the only factor to affect the speed of sound in air, must be Mach 1, by definition. Ask any supersonic pilot! John D Taylor (Captain) Chelmsford, Essex PS The Captain may not always be right, but he is always the Captain! Aha! Fortunately, the Ed may not always be right, but he is always the Ed! And I'm the one who judges the compos. But assuming a lapse rate of one mistake per 1000 (or so) pages and a mean (Very mean T.P.) monthly rate of one trainspotter award per issue, taking into account the International Standard increments on the leg-pulling isotherm, then provided my coffee attains a temperature of 87°C, the answer's yes. You can have a trainspotter award! Ed

LANCASHIRE HOT SHOT
It happened one night in the bedroom (no, not that!) I was half-way through playing Alien; it had hatched from Dallas (not the BBC version), Brett had ducked out in the duct, Kane had been killed in the shuttle-bay, Ash had smouldered in corridor 6, Lambert was a broken woman, Parker was wounded but okay, Ripley was fine but Jones the cat was uneasy. (I don't blame him! Ed) The Tracker was working - bleep, bleep, bleep. The Alien was near, and as I gripped my Spectrum+ with fear, sweat rolling down my brow, it happened - ZAP!!
    I was greeted with the Spectrum logo. At first I thought this was an underhand trick played by the Alien, because I had the winning post in sight. But no, on closer inspection I discovered a small, slim button on the left hand side, just under the edge. Now I would like to know if this is a reset button? I have tried it with other games and it clears without any problems, but if it isn't will I be causing any damage to the Speccy? I'm sure the experts at YS can put me right.
R Brocklebank
Skelmersdale, Lancs

Well, I've put it to the team and concensus of opinion is that anyone unaware that there's a reset button on the Spectrum+ and who still insists on playing Alien as if it's the most gruesome game to come out of Argus, (I mean, have you seen some of the offerings on 30 Games?) cannot be put right. The screws not just loose - the thread's gone! Ed

DANGEROUS FRUITCAKE
First of all I would like to give a hint to all the Elitists out there. Last month someone wrote in with the bug that allows you to jump from one space station to another. If you follow the same procedure but use Galactic Hyperspace instead of Hyperspace then you can jump to space stations anywhere in your galaxy. You do not move to the next galaxy and you retain your Galactic Hyperspace.
    Another thing that might interest Elitists is the existence of a "Cloaking Device" right out of Star Trek. This is acquired by picking it up with your fuel scoops and is activated by the Y key. It makes your ship invisible and makes the screen a nice shade of grey but it also drains your energy cells rather drastically.
    If you follow the method given in YS 5 for going into witch space and at the same time enter the space station you will find yourself docked nowhere and unable to launch.
Steven "Dangerous"
Docherty
Govan, Glasgow
PS A message for some of my friends to prove this letter is from me.
    "Van Sorley's Panzers are moving south. It is not true about Schitzo and Pinn. Droid Mission will be a success. Lemon tips are cool. Helen is a teddy bear. What about John and Suz? And why is Suz called Tina? I want to know!! Does the other Steven (John's brother) really like carmels?"

You mean you've got friends? At the, um, "home" is this? And they call you "Dangerous", do they? A nice jacket is it? Ha ha, good boy, here's a "carmel". Ed

TASMANIA
I've been known to read the odd copy of Your Sinclair... let's face it, every copy is a bit odd! I was even a reader when the predecessor was on the bookshelves. Well, among all the superb articles and rave reviews (creep, creep) I have noticed that people are amazingly free with their complaints but not quite so eager to praise. (Us? Complain? When have you ever heard us Complain? If it weren't for the conditions we have to work under and the meagre pittance called a salary and... T.P.)
    It may not have escaped your eagle eye (It will now we've printed it. Ed) but I am the proud possessor of a word processor package. In fact, the much heralded Tasword III and it deserves praise.
    It's not surprising with such a complex piece of software that a byte or two needed adjustment. I wrote to the Tasman mega-brain with two small problems and within seven days received a replacement copy of the program suitably sorted. Mega-service indeed!
    I use the package commercially using ZX Spectrum+ and Epson LX80 hardware and cannot praise it highly enough. Excellent
Peter Gleed
Plymouth, Devon
PS The mag is quite good too!!

Now who's overdoing it with the praise? Still, I think you'll find we said much the same things about the product last issue. Ed

PSYCHO PATH
I am writing to you, cat, because I believe you are the only intelligent being at YS.
    I've always had my fears about the Ed, he seemed strange and kept making wise comments about Bumpries, but the other day, in issue 5, I heard him comment on Alexander Liddeli's letter, saying his computer design should be called a Specstrad. Then what happens? All of a sudden Amstrad takes over Sinclair! "Cor" I thought, "Ed's a psycho. How else could he foretell Amstrad's takeover". So now we know. The truth is out. Ed, when will l win the Pools?
    As for T.P. -- Yeurggh, where's the shotgun?
Kevin McCarney
Ilkley, W Yorks

Miiaooow you dont have to tell me dearie i have to live ere there are no mice plenty of rats but no mice the milks always sour dirty devils never wash anything up and talk about lumpy oh you wouldnt believe what i have to put up with dearie and to cap it all theres this lunatic called ed psychopath you say you wouldnt believe the alf of what goes on and look now hes got that shotgun you were talking about and hes BANG!!!
    Nyahahahaha... Ed

SUCKER
You may think this is very silly and it probably is. (Believe me, it is. Ed). You see, when I tried to clear my Spectrum+ keyboard of dust, I washed every keytop in luke-warm water, then rinsed them (that wasn't the silly part) (That's what you think! T.P.) and then I replaced the keytops.
    This was fine for five weeks and then they were even dustier than before. I got out my mother's vacuum cleaner, plugged it in and started to vacuum the keyboard. Your Sinclair was open and I started to read the 128 review whilst I was using the vacuum cleaner. I heard this clinking sound, looked at my Speccy and got a terrible shock. Seven of the keytops had vanished! In shock I began to empty the dust bag to find the keytops smothered in dust. I replaced them, never to use a vacuum cleaner again, not even five foot away from it.
Neil Christie
Fraserburgh,
Aberdeenshire

And the moral of this story is (as we all learnt in Physics) that nature abhors a vacuum. Especially if it's a Hoover. Ed

PYRAMUDDLE
You wouldn't guess what Troubleshootin' Pete has done to my life by giving away a free, cut out, fold up, easy-peasy DIY patent microdrive kit! Not only did it cure my cartridges, but it also fixed my Interface 1, my Speccy and it cured my cold! Amazing!! But, best of all, I put it on my sister's (spit) head and next morning she'd vanished, never to be seen again!! (Hooray!)
    Thanks T.P.
Justin Adams
Ringwood, Hants

We wondered who the nice young lady who turned up unannounced at the office last week was. I thought there might be a few side effects with our YS patent pyramid. Let's see if it works for me. First, the 'r' key on the typewite. It woks! Now fo whole wods. Yep, thee goes . Let's have a go at what's left of the Lette
    

SMALL PRINT Having just bought a Sinclair QL and immediately becoming a member of the Defunct Business Machines club, I was wondering what to do with this amazing piece of machinery. R J Pardoe Luton, Beds Okay, the first Spectrum owner to answer that gets a clip round the ear. Ed YS5's got the lot - a decent adventure bit, DIY turbo loader, lots of QL stuff (not that I've got a QL - I'm just interested), Micronet not that I've got a modem), Wofadrive offer (not that I've got 50 quid...)... Tim Goodwin Bedford ..and tots of other brainy stuff (not that I've got a...). Oo-er, what am I saying? T.P. If my letter gets published, instead of a YS badge could I please have a full-size piccy of good old T'zer? Jon Rose Bognor Regis, Sussex Are you sure you mean full-size? What's the postman ever done to you? Ed Come on Ed, we all know you're really in love with Teresa Maughan, so admit it and make it legal. Jason Wallace Bromley, Kent It's not illegal just criminally insane! Ed He says the nicest things. Thwack! T'zer I am never going to touch your mag again because of the April Fools joke that you played in the April issue. Thomas Jago Shrewton, Wilts Have you tried using rubber gloves? Ed

Doodlebugs

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