BLACKMAIL
If you don't print this I will tell everybody Your Sinclair's phone number. If you don't think I know it then you're wrong, because here it is - 01 631 1433. See?
Scott 'Dangerous' Brown
Dundee, Scotland

You've certainly got your finger on the pulse, and I reckon you've got a fine career in blackmailing ahead of you. Did you know that the emergency number for the police, ambulance and fire brigade is 158? And you can reach the operator on 424? You can blackmail them as well now. Ed.

KEEPING ABREAST
We've heard enough about boys' underpants in the last couple of issues. Well, now it's the girls' turn.
    Here are some bras for the future.
    

Marie Duncan
Ipswich, Suffolk

Er, yes, very good. Regarding the parachute and the hammock though - they're a bit on the big side, aren't they? If you really wanted to make one of them you'd have to write a letter to Claire Rayner and ask her if she's got any spares. Ed.

THIS MONTH'S LECTURE
I think you are a stupid git! (Blimey. Ed) In the September ish two students wrote to you asking for information about how you produce your mag. You replied with totally obscure answers that would be about as useful as soggy cornflakes with no sugar. Next year I will be in the same position as these people and if I have to write away to businesses I would hope to get a serious reply - not the tripe you feed to your readers. Maybe your mag is supposed to be funny, but enough is enough. If someone asks you a sensible question then give 'em a sensible answer. Geddit? (You better or the boys will be round.)
Darren James
Arbroath, Scotland

COMMUNICATION QUERY
I am writing to ask you for some information on communication with computers. I am doing a topic at school on communication with computers and I need as much information as I can get!
Robbie Belshaw
Wigan, Lancs

Right, I'm on the case! Um, communication with computers then. Er, well - computers don't actually understand you when you talk to them. I should know, because when the office +2A refuses to load games I always say something like "Okay, + 2A, either you load this game or I'll open you up and pull some of your chips out". But it never works. The stupid thing obviously doesn't understand the threat. Maybe computers understand other languages, but I can tell you this for sure - communication with computers in verbal English is a definite no-no. Ed.

POST OFFICE GUERILLAS
Enclosed are some biscuits to have with your mid-morning coffee.
Mark Williams
Swavesy, Cambridge

A thoughtful gift, but you may be interested to learn that your letter was eventually delivered to me enclosed in a Post Office polythene bag which was marked "Found open or damaged and officially secured". There was also a covering note...
    

    So, all I ended up with were three lousy ounces of crumbs. I don't even know what sort of biscuits they were, so I've returned the wrapper as the Post Office suggested and demanded that investigations are indeed made. I don't know - as if they're not content making me queue for 18 months to buy one 20p stamp, the Post Office then goes and spoils my coffee break by destroying a 'freebie'. It's a scandal. Ed.
    They were dog biscuits actually. A Post Office Spokesman.

HOSTAGE

Richard Phillips
Solihull, West Midlands

Hold on a minute, you didn't say what your demands were - so there's no way I could comply even if I wanted to. Could you ask your family to put your remains in a Jiffy bag or something? It'll save an awful lot of cleaning-up this end (the shed's in a bad-enough state as it is). Ed.

STAR LETTER A STROPMASTER WRITES I am writing to say that I would like your magazine to cover a wider range of computer subjects and not just games. I do realise that you already have a programming and hardware column, but surely any self-respecting computer user will realise that these are completely inadequate. Two pages 'filled' with short machine code routines which are completely useless and only one page for hardware features is pathetic. (He's starting to get stroppy. Ed) I hope you realise that only about three percent of your magazine is devoted to anything other than games. This is just not good enough. (He's getting stroppier. Ed) Just remember that you need programmers to produce games, and if you supress all programming features then you are cutting short and lowering the standard of the supply of programmers with in-depth knowledge of the Spectrum.     And I would like to complain about the treatment of some of your readers by yourself in the Letters column. (He's running on all four cylinders now. Ed) This incorrect attitude is geared towards people who complain or do not like you or your magazine - such as myself! (Reading a strop speed of warp ten. Ed) I consider this behaviour totally unprofessional and I condemn you for making fun of your critics rather than heeding them. You are a coward who will not accept that he is completely unsuitable for the position of Editor of a computer magazine. RK Dennison Bangor, Co Down My "treatment of some of the readers"? What utter rubbish - a) this is the Star Letter box; b) you're a prat; and c) you've just won yourself three games. Case dismissed. And if you don't like the magazine then why read it?! I hate Woman's Realm so I avoid it - it's much easier than forcing myself to examine every square centimetre and then sending rant-letters to the Editor, whinging about the Agony Aunt not having enough pages or whatever. YS is, after all, predominantly a games mag (and the large majority of readers would have it no other way). And what's with this "coward" bit? I jumped off Tower Bridge for a dare once. And as for being completely unsuitable for the position of Editor - well. Er. Ahem. Okay, so you've got me on one teensy-weensy little point. Ed.

AD INFO
As part of my GCSE course in Business Studies I am learning about different aspects of the media. I have chosen advertising. I have seen adverts in your magazine and would therefore appreciate some information on advertising or the media. I'm sure it will be easy to learn about adverts from a magazine as respectable as yours.
Adam Gwilliam
Chippenham, Wiltshire

Thank you. It is a respectable magazine, isn't it (even if it is slightly on the crap side)? Anyway, I'm glad you asked and will do my level best to help. The media then. I know, I'll look it up in my encyclopedia. Media (meedi-e) n., pl -diae (-ee). 1. The middle layer of the wall of an artery or vein. 2. Any of the main veins on an insect's wing. There you are, that's media defined for you. Now advertising. Um, I think it's got something to do with people trying to sell you things. Ed.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Every month we receive letters from countries outside Britain, as you all know, and this month it's the turn of a country that's in the news rather a lot at the moment. Try and guess which one. No, not Belgium. We'll give you a clue - 'OIL'. And here's another- 'IT'S NOT IRAN OR SAUDI ARABIA'. Got it? Yup, it's Iraq! (Corks!) BEWITCHED My name is Mohamad Thamer from Iraq and I already have got subscription in your magazine and since then there are no other Spectrum magazine able to be in advance and bewitch us like Your Sinclair. The reason of sending this letter is about three games. First is R-Type which was the hardest and more difficult. Second was Dominator, I'm ingenious in Dominator but it's very complex game where no chances of giving a life. The last game is Operation Thunderbolt, so I consider it less complicated but in barely pass two stages therefore I return to you cause I need your help and pokes for these games. I thank you so much and thank this wonderful magazine. Mohamad Thamer Atta Baghdad Iraq Er, it's a bit tricky replying to your letter without mentioning 'the war'. So I won't. Ed.

POINTS ONE, TWO AND THREE
Some points for you...
    1) Isn't Neighbours getting stupid? Why do people keep getting knocked out whenever they trip over a step? Is Beverley really the only nurse in the hospital? Why does everybody keep going to live in each other's houses? And why doesn't someone accidentally drop an atom bomb on Lassaters?
    2) In reply to Thomas Courth's letter in a recent issue - I don't know what you Germans are like, but most British people wouldn't, after paying 150 quid for a +2, send it off to you in Germany for a mere £20.
    3) I find carbonic acid tastes best on chips, or even sodium hydroxide. Never have both at the same time though, or they will react on the chips to form table salt (which is a deadly poison).
Andrew Wood
Basildon, Essex

1) Ah, Neighbours! My 'fave'. It isn't 'getting' stupid, by the way, it's always been stupid - but in a rather fabbo sort of a way. Did you know that every single inhabitant of Ramsay Street has (for at least two episodes) lived with Des Clarke? And isn't Todd a thumpable little git? But what's really got to me recently is the new 'mega-mix' of the theme tune. Have they gone overboard on the reverb or what? It's appalling - even worse than the original. I've written several stiff letters to my MP and I urge everyone else to do the same (George Gardiner, The House Of Commons).
    2) You're probably right.
    3) Why has nobody come forward to sing the praises of tomato ketchup? Ed.

AMSTRAD CRAPTION
I would like to bring to your attention a part of that 'duster' Amstrad Action. This 'firelighter' comes out of the same offices as YS so, when reading through a friend's copy, I was surprised to see (and I quote) "That shameful rag... available from all bad newsagents... that Matt Bielby fellow..." all referring to YS. Now then, after that I reckon you should give them a bit of abuse as well - and make it really mean, will you?
David Whitehead
Wigan, Lancashire

I think I'm with you on this one, yes. I'm going to let them have it with both barrels. I am not going to mince my words, you can count on that. Here goes then. Erm, Amstrad Action - er, it's sort of not, er, particularly fantastic, is it? There. That told them. Ed.
    No, it didn't. Andy.
    Okay... Amstrad Action - it's a pile of old jobs! Ed.
    That's better. Andy.

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD ALL IN A NUMBER I am claiming a Trainspotter Award because on pages ten and eleven in issue 57 the number of the Smash Tape at the top of the review said 33, when in reality the number should have read 34. Spotting this must earn me a Trainspotter or my name isn't Mark. Mark Tilling Orford, Cheshire I phoned the Chief Registrar of UK births and got him to do a bit of checking up for me. And it turns out that your name isn't Mark at all, it's Reginald. You got your own name totally wrong and therefore (because of the law of Trainspotter claimants having to have Trainspotter-free letters) don't qualify. However, seeing as I'm in a 'ripper' mood this month I am actually going to let you have one! Touch and go for a few seconds there, wasn't it? Ed. SILLY JONATHAN I claim a Trainspotter! In the September issue, in Bargain Basement, Jonathan Davies reviewed Gary Lineker's Superskills. However, the screenshot printed with it was of Gary Lineker's Superstar Soccer. Both games are crap, but they are different nonetheless. Is Jonathan going mad? Obviously he can no longer tell one game from another. This brings his reviewing skills into question. He confesses to being totally crap at most games. I believe Farty The Warthog would make a better reviewer (even if he is dead). Even Dunc was better. Alan 'Bananaman' Liddie Rochester, Kent Poor old JD really does take some stick. It's not his fault he's crap, it's just that he was dropped on his head when he was nine. But what do you mean, "Even Dunc was better"? No-one's worse than Dunc - he's a cell-free zone when it comes to the brain area. Anyway, back to the Trainspotting. Can you have an award? Um, eeny meeny miny mo. Er, no, you can't. (Predictable, aren't I?) Ed.

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE We've had jokes from Bolivia, jokes from Pakistan and jokes from Finland - and they've all been crap. Well, now it's Portugal's turn to be equally useless, and it's all thanks to Eduardo Marques of Espinho. Take it away, Ed baby...          Q: If you mix a cow with Turrican what's the result?     A: Moooooooorrican! (Very, er, 'funny'. Ed)          Q: What was Napolean's white horse's colour?     A: Black! (Ho ho ho ho. Ed)          Q: How do you call a man that dives into a swimming pool and that doesn't get his hair wet?     A: A bald man! (Ah, ah, ah, ah! Ed)     Oh dear. Sorry about that, Spec-chums, but as we always say - the world is united in one respect. Everyone is crap at jokes! Help prove the rule by sending in some of your own (and don't forget - badges are on offer!).

SMALL PRINT What happened in Baywatch the other week? Oliver Secluna Old Alresford, Hampshire A bunch of Californians walked around in bathing costumes. Ed. I've made absolutely no reference to Gazza. Edward Burcher Harrogate, N Yorks And I know how hard it must have been. Well done! Ed. I do not like Puff Kelly (my geography teacher). Worthy P Childwall, Liverpool Who does? Ed. Please don't eat me! Sid The Sausage Bilbrook, Wolverhampton Okay, I'll give you to the dog. Ed. You will all perish in the flames of Hell. Woo ha ha haaaa! Michael Lang Hardwick, Cambridge No, we won't - Rich's flares'll put the fire out. Ed. I can't wait for the open season on wombats. Can you? Dan 'Hunter' Gavrovski Deanshanger, Milton Keynes Just give me a gun and a clock. Ed. Does the truth hurt? Gordon Hosie Paisley, Strathclyde Yes - especially if it's sellotaped to a baseball bat. Ed. Is wrestling fixed? David Whitehead Wigan, Lancashire I didn't know it was broken. Ed. I'm going to end this letter and I'm gonna send it off,     I hope it gets Star Letter, ahem, hint hint, cough cough. David Price Erdington, Birmingham Sounds like you've got a cold coming on. Ed.

    

HOW TO DO IT! Er...Bud can't make it this month. Something to do with dodgy panneling crashing onto his skull (or something). So here's one of his regular contributors instead, Alf Slater (of Slater's Puffy Rice fame).     Take it away, Alf!      Hello. Slater here, with a few of my wartime anecdotes. I know you're expecting some DIY tips but that's not my cup of char really. Catering Corps capers - that's all I'm good for. You see, I wasn't always a high-flying Puffy Rice exec, oh no. Back when the balloon went up for the big one (I think he means WWII. Ed) I was a key operative in an Allied Forces secret unit - the Classified Cereals Branch, Catering Corps. And there's one 'top secret' brief I won't forget in a hurry.     Johnnie Bosche had plans to manufacture 'Heavy Milk', ya see. You've heard of Heavy Water of course. (Er... Ed) Well, Heavy Milk was a similarly crucial atom bomb ingredient (Oh, yes. Ed) that Harry Hun planned to sneak into the British breakfast cereal chain. My mission was to scupper the scheme. The plant was based in occupied Norway, so to avoid suspicion I parachuted to southern Spain and cycled round the back. When I arrived I was greeted by members of the valiant cereal stockist underground, and managed to tap into a hefty supply of Puffy Rice. Then, after months of surveillance, I spotted a central-heater vent positioned in the roof of the factory - directly over the Heavy Milk storage vat. Production had got much further than we'd anticipated! I had to act fast.     I silently made 326 expeditions onto the factory roof, each time carrying four boxes of Puffy. When the stock was in place, I rigged up a funnel using a wire coat-hanger and my trousers and proceeded to pour the cereal down the vent. Jerry didn't know what hit him as the Heavy Milk vat overflowed with expanding puffed rice cereal, all the while accompanied by the aural barrage of atomic snap, crackling and popping. The factory was destroyed, but I was arrested while fleeing trouser-less through Stockholm. Well, that was when... Oh dear, I've run out of space!     (Er... thank you, Alf. Let's hope Bud makes a lightning recovery and spares us more of the same next month, eh, Spec-chums? Ed)

Doodlebugs

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