MAKE 'EM HARDER
I'm writing to say that I'm slightly irritated to say the least with the YS compos. The problem's not in the prizes but in the questions. What I mean is that they're so ridiculously easy the compos are just turning into a prize draw. Why not make the questions harder so if you know the answer you may have a slightly better chance of winning as less people would get it right? Thanks for reading this rubbish.
Mark Williams
Swavesy, Cambridge

Yes, it was a bit of a crap letter, wasn't it? Still, never mind, we can't all be perfect. Compos then. Right, tell you what I'll do - I won't send you your badge, I'm going to make you earn it. Here's a mini compo, and the prize is.... your badge. (Anyone can enter by the way, so let's hope you're the only person who gets the answer right.) Here goes!
    Q: What's the capital of France?
    A: On a post card please, addressed to Paris Compo at the usual Bath address. Ed.

THEY'RE TOO HARD
I fail to see why the games in your magazine are reviewed by 'experts' alone. I'll take a wager that whoever reviewed Robocop got a lot further than I had after the first hour's play. Consequently, he told the world how great it was and what goodies awaited (for those with ample time to practice).
    On the other hand, an impartial review from the tea-lady or caretaker, who aren't very good players, would be much more helpful to those in a similar position to myself. It would seem to be a sensible and helpful step therefore to include both types of reviews in future - one for the seasoned players and the other for novices.
D Manning
London SE18

A brilliant idea! Unfortunately the caretaker is on holiday at the moment, so he's out of the question. The tea-lady it has to be then (which in our case happens to be a coffee machine). We gave the coffee machine a joystick, set it down next to the telly and loaded up Robocop. Here's what it thought of the game...
    "Slosh, slosh, slosh, slosh."
    Oh dear - your idea didn't work very well after all. Still, full marks for trying. We'll give the caretaker a go when he gets back from Clacton. Ed.

STUPID QUESTION
I have a question to ask. What do journalists like yourself do in the office apart from playing computer games all day?
Mark Bennett
Warley, West Midlands

Well, it varies from person to person. Andy, for instance, spends most of his spare time 'concentrating' on growing his hair as fast as possible (he was forcing it so hard the other day that he burst a blood vessel in his eye). When he's not doing that he chats up any women who are foolish enough to venture into the shed. I myself help to keep British Telecom in business with my long-distance gossiping skills. Ed.

BLOKE COLLECTOR
I am an avid YS fan, and when I get your fab magazine (creep creep) I never miss an opportunity to read the lonely hearts column (I have already managed to get one loony pen pal through you). Anyway, while I was reading the column in your September issue I noticed that six of the lonely hearts were from Harlow in Essex. That's over half. What's up with them all? Isn't there any romance in Harlow? Or have they all got three noses? Perhaps I could suggest that they all get together and have a mega nose blowing-competition or something.
Christina Cole
Nuneaton, Warks

What are you doing tonight? Ed.

A LITTLE BIT OF A DIV
You cocked up my name in Letters in ish 57. I did the crap beat-box 'thang' (which happens to be nicked from the Beats International CD). I'm not Richard Anders(s)on, I'm Stephen Richard O'Brien De La Soul II Soul Adamski Maneating Triphid Anders(s)on. (Well, Steve'll do.) And don't bother giving me one of your crap excuses for not printing my name right. You can't fob me off that easily. I've got an IQ of 141, making me cleverer (this is a word) than 96% of the population. I've got stuff to prove it!
Steve 'Sven Andersson'
Anderson
Gloucester

So what? It also means that four percent of the population are cleverer than you, which, if you work it out, means you're thicker than about three million people. Not quite so smart when you look at it that way round, is it? And for being so big-headed I'm going to stamp on your badge before I send it to you. (Mind you, three points for having relatively good taste in music.) Ed.

NODDY CAR
I was very glad when you featured a car such as my own (a Reliant Robin) in the August issue of your mag, but please note that it is not a 'Noddy car' as expressed, I am not an ex-biker and have owned several cars including the Lamborghini Diablo. I have come to the conclusion that the Robin is the fastest and most luxurious car in existence. I have only one punishment for the YS team, and this is to spend the rest of your days driving a Lada Samara (except for T'zer, who can come for a ride in my 'car' anytime). Here's a poem. (Oh no. Ed)
    The Reliant Robin is really great,
    It's really fast and never late,
    If you think that it's crap,
    You are going to get a smack!
Big Ears (Ex-Madonna
Bodyguard)
Bicester, Oxfordshire

Come, come, come. Now, you know how fair I am, and how I always try to see 'the other person's side of the argument' (ahem), but really - honestly! I'm almost speechless. The Reliant Robin IS a Noddy car, and there's no getting out of it. A friend of mine had one once (don't ask me why) and while he was out driving one day he took a corner at 40 mph and the whole car rolled over. It ended upside-down in a ditch. His dog (who was a passenger) got flung out of the nearside window and broke its leg. It's true. Robins are crap! Ed.

MORE ON MOTORS
Your recent Pssst feature on cars and their drivers prompted me to write to you about my bete noir - General Motors phasing out the Opel Manta and replacing it with the Vauxhall Calibra. I have several reasons for my deep feelings on the subject, but especially that...
    1) I own a B-reg Manta 1.8 GT, and would like to replace it with a newer model, but cannot afford a Calibra and cannot get hold of a newer Manta as people don't want to get rid of them.
    2) I do not feel the Calibra has the same character as the Manta, as it is too Japanese-influenced and too electronic.
    3) The Manta was an original design, whereas the Calibra is based on, of all things, the typical rep's car - the Vauxhall Cavalier! I am not saying that the Calibra is not a nice car, it is, but I'm just saying that I think General Motors should have kept the Opel Manta as well as introducing the Vauxhall Calibra.
Darren 'Dazza The Dude' Rowley
Farnham, Surrey

So? What on earth do you expect me to do about it? Oh, all right then, I'll phone General Motors for you.
    Me: Well? Why did you phase out the Opel Manta?
    General Motors: Because it was crap.
    Me: Oh. Thanks a lot. Bye.
    So there you have it, it's official. You drive a crap car as well. Still, at least it doesn't roll over every time you take a corner slightly too fast. Ed.

DOUBLE TREBLE BLUFF
Please don't make this the Star Letter. Aha! But then you would think that I was trying to make you think that I wanted the Star Letter by trying to outwit you. Aha! But then you would think that I would want you to think that I wanted to think that I didn't want the Star Letter then you would think that you would know that I was trying to fool you by saying I didn't want the Star Letter and then thinking I did really BUT I wouldn't really think that you would think that I would think that you couldn't think I wanted it. Then again (Oh, shut up. Ed) you COULD think that I didn't want the Star Letter by making you think I did want it when I really didn't, then you would think I did, but REALLY I was thinking that I did but you thought I didn't, then I did want it.
The Mad Black Pudding
Bury, Lancs

God, all this multiple bluffing has given me a migraine. I'll tell you what I'll have to do - and that's to conduct one of my 'experiments'. I'm going to hold Barry (the YS guinea-pig) underwater in the YS fishtank for three minutes. If Barry can hold his breath that long then I'll assume you really DON'T want the Star Letter, in which case I'll give it to you. If, on the other hand, Barry dies, I'll assume the opposite and not give it to you. Okay? Ready? Right, count to 180, everybody. Ed.
    "Oh no!" Barry.

EEH, EEH, EEH
Well, well, well! YS giving free badges? Well, send me one, okay? How much is it? Ah! Ah! Ah! (Just a joke.) By the way, I'm an addict of YS, so don't stop or I kill myself.
Peter M Cattez
Moimanta da Beira, Portugal

How come you Portugese lot always write "Ah! Ah! Ah!" when you're describing laughing sounds? If there's one thing that's universal among folk on planet Earth, it's that when they laugh they pronounce a hard 'H' sound first, followed by vowels (normally A's). So it's ha ha ha, NOT ah ah ah. Comprendo? Ed.

GAZZA'S GUFF-UP
Just after England miraculously beats Belgium in Italy, Paul Gascoigne, in an interview, has reckoned all Belgians are "bast***s". But as I didn't consider Gazza like a big intellectual, I thought that he didn't represent all English. When I saw your review of Italy '90 (ish 56), when I see you were talking about "pathetic" Belgium, I knew that I was wrong. If you have nothing to say but racist remarks, you better shut your big mouth.
Jan Glatman
Quaregnon, Belgium

Hold your horses! YS racist? I don't think so somehow. We're just rude to everybody (especially the French). We're even rude about ourselves. We don't really mean it though, it's just meant to be taken with a pinch of salt. (Which is a rather stupid English expression that means don't take it seriously, we're only joking). However, as for England "miraculously" beating Belgium - you what??? The "miracle" was that Belgium actually qualified for the World Cup in the first place! Ed.

REMARKABLE
I guess you've had enough of crap pics, so I've drawn a good one.

It's a picture of your Kati Hamza. Great, innit?
Andy Mason
Romford, Essex

Uncanny is the word I'd use. In fact, I reckon it's a photograph. Either that or you've traced it off a photograph. And you know what you get for cheating in this magazine, don't you? You don't get a badge. Ah! Ah! Ed.

STAR LETTER FORCED PERSPECTIVE Have you ever tried looking at 3D the other way? Erm, I'll explain - look at an isometric game screenshot, say Escape From The Planet Of The Robot Monsters. We all 'know' what is the floor, because the sprites are walking on it. But try to look at it so that they're hovering under the 'floor', under the ceiling. So that the corner at the bottom of the screen, which is meant to be the 'nearest' to you out of the screen, looks as if it's the furthest corner. Do you get what I mean? Try it - it's a weird experience... David 'Surreal' Maher Waltham Abbey, Essex I tried it and it worked a treat. The trouble is that I can't get my brain to stop doing it, and as a result everything I look at is all sort of wibbled up. For instance, I think I managed to get your free games into the Jiffy bag but I can't be too sure. (It looked like I was actually placing them underneath it.) So, if you receive a package from us with nothing inside you'll know that a) it was meant to contain your prizes, and b) it's your fault they aren't there. Blimey - Andy's walking on the ceiling. Ed.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Letters from around the world. Letters that are full of strange requests. Letters that don't make a great deal of sense. These are the kind of things you'll find here every month - and this time we have one from Nigeria. Take it away, James... Dear Sir     Compliments of the season to you sir. How are you sir? I hope you are in good condition? If so glory be to God Almighty. My main purpose of our writing you this letter is because we want you to please be sending us your monthly illustrated catalogue. And I would also like you to please send me one of your computers (only me will be sharing it). Some of my friends want it too, so I have included their addresses. I will be expecting you as soon as possible. James Fawode Oshodi, Lagos, Nigeria Compliments of the season to you too. And yes, I am in quite good condition, so we can indeed allocate a small portion of glory to God Almighty. He's seen me all right, I can tell you (apart from the time he knocked me off a climbing frame when I was drunk and took a bit of one of my teeth from me). Anyway, so you want a free computer, do you? Fine, and I don't blame you for asking, but I'm afraid it's a bit of a no-no situation this end. Sorry. Ed.

TWO EDS ARE BETTER THAN ONE
My name is Ed! I'm from Portugal and I'm crazy! But not crazy enough to say that YS is good, because YS is totally crap, isn't it? (Yes, I suppose it is a bit on the naff side. Ed) As you know, I'm crazy, but normal and truly thinking I think that YS is the greatest Spectrum mag in the universe. Now, if you don't print this letter, and if you don't give me a YS badge, I will not only call the police - but also change my opinion about YS and I will think of you as a $£*@£$*!
Ed(uardo) Marques
Espinho, Portugal

You can have two badges if you agree with me that Belgium is crap. Ed.

PICCIE-GRAM SOLVED
Here's my translation of the strange letter by James Steed in issue 57...

Neil Ashmore
Stockport, Cheshire
PS If you ask me, he must be a right weird pillock to send letters like this.

You thought I was going to say something along the lines of "Yes, as must you be for bothering to translate it", didn't you? But I'm not going to. Instead I'm going to type three completely random letters followed by a description of a boiled egg. Here goes - P, Z, W. It's ovoid until you take the top off, then all yellow and runny inside (except for the hard white bits). Ed.

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD RETAKE RETHINKS Ha! Got you this time! In issue 57, page 39, you said in reply to Richard Anderson's letter that Rich 'Trousers' Pelley was incredibly thick and he was re-taking his GCSEs for the 89th time, and that Rich was actually 77. However - GCSEs can only be retaken twice a year, which means that Rich must be... erm... (quick calculation) .... 61! (Work it out for yourself.) So he's not 77, as you said. There, get out of that one. Howard Barlow Stockport, Cheshire PS 90/2 + 16 = 61, not 77. Aha! But you may be aware that Trainspotter claims must be Trainspotter-free themselves. And yours isn't. If you'd taken the trouble to read this particular issue before writing, you might have noticed another letter from Richard Anderson saying that his name is in fact Stephen. So you got his name wrong. Therefore even though you've been rather clever you don't qualify. It's a cruel old world, isn't it? Still, I don't make the rules. (Er, actually I do - so forget that last bit.) Ed. GOTCHA Re issue 41's cover and issue 56's letter - I am claiming several Trainspotter Awards on the following grounds...     1) The Ferrari in the picture has a custom plate, 'SCOOP 1'. These are ILLEGAL in Ciskei.     2) Zwelitsha is not twinned with any other place in the world, never mind Blackpool!     3) Ciskei does not have a three-quarter-size replica of the Blackpool Tower.     4) As Britain does not recognise Ciskei as a country ('cos it's a South African homeland), there is no British Embassy there. In fact, the nearest British Embassy is just over 1,000 miles away in Pretoria.     5) Ciskei number plates are written FORWARDS, just like everywhere else in the world.     6) The first three words of the Ciskei national anthem are 'Ishe Komborera Afrika', which means 'God Bless Africa!' The first three words are NOT "Ooh la la".     7) The offending cover had bushes in it, at the base of the offending tower. Since Ciskei is 100% DESERT, this is, of course, impossible.     Adding all that up makes seven Trainspotter Awards, please. And don't try to argue - I have actually been to Ciskei. So there. Bryan Morton Bangor, N Ireland 1) Oh no they're not. Anyway, the car was just driving through, and you're not telling me that all cars visiting Ciskei have their number plates removed and replaced with Ciskei plates, are you?     2) Okay, so maybe Zwelitsha isn't twinned with Blackpool, but I find it hard to believe it isn't twinned with ANYWHERE.     3) Er, yeah. Okay, you've got me.     4) Ooof! Hey, no need to kick a man when he's down.     5) Ooof!     6) Yes, but a French person living in Ciskei might sing it as "Ooh la la" for a sort of 'joke'. Ooof!     7) Aha! They were special bushes that didn't need water. Ooof!     Counting up I think I'd say you're in for five and a half Trainspotters, not seven. But it doesn't really make any difference, because you can only have ONE. Ed.

    

SMALL PRINT How do you power the Speccies from inside the shed? Michael Sheppard Waterlooville, Hants We've attatched the hamster's excercise wheel to a generator. (We get through about eight hamsters a week.) Ed. Is YS environmentally friendly? Dominic Brookman Kenilworth, Warwickshire It will once Andy gets his hair cut. Ed. I'm Scottish and I don't own a kilt. Mark Donaghy Cardonald, Glasgow I once went on holiday to Holland and didn't bring any ornamental clogs back with me. Ed. Theoretically, bees are too big to fly. Dillon Wolfe Liskeard, Cornwall Someone should tell Arthur C Clarke. Ed. I will give Greenpeace £1 for Small Print, £10 for letter, £15 for Trainspotter or £45 for Star Letter AND Trainspotter. Steve Anderson Gloucester Well, you were mentioned twice in Trainspotters, so I make that £41. Yo, Greenpeace, by the way! (I'm a member.) Ed. Huh, I bet you can't eat three. Dan 'Yum' Garrovski Deanshanger, Milton Keynes I can't even eat one. Shredded Wheat is so disgusting it makes me want to be sick right here and now. Boooorrkk! Ed. My best kisses to Kati Hamza. CG Sweden I'll pass them on, but unfortunately I've still got vomit round my mouth - I don't think she'll be very impressed. Ed. Madam Pico is the most gorgeous person on earth. Jamie Spoog(?) Worksop, Notts Er, yes - quite. Nurse? Ed. I have enclosed an elastic band to fire at the person of your choice. Matthew Murfitt Warlingham, Surrey Thanks. It came in useful. Ed.     Yeah... thanks a lot. Andy.

    

HOW TO DO IT! Dear Bud Where is Madame Pico? She's much better than you are. Her column used to be amusing, but yours is actually rather boring. Bring back Madame Pico! Naff off, Bud! Bryan Winstanley The Bring Back Madame Pico Gang Hmm... not very much in the mailbag in terms of cries for practical DIY help this month, is there, readers? Let's have another delve...      Dear Mr Pico I am about to participate in a school project, whereby I'm to be left on a desert island for a month to test my survival skills. Well, I was wondering if I could take my Speccy. Obviously, this would require some sort of power source, so I was wondering if you could help me build a 9-volt generator. John Flaxwell Hants Sorry, John, I'm plumb out of generator-building ideas this month. But I will give it some thought. Cheers Bud      Remember Alan from Durham was rather worried about indestructible Spanish milk bottles? Well, we can all breath a sigh of relief because it appears his grandfather was rather 'having him on'! As promised, I passed Alan's letter on to Madame Pico, and here's her reply...      Dear Alan Geriatric jokers really can catch you off-guard, can't they?! Still, elderly relatives can sometimes also offer very useful advice, culled from their many years of experience. Here's a helpful tip from my own grandfather 'Bumpa' Pico, for instance - never wear your vest back-to-front. Say you were riding a motorcycle, had an accident, and were knocked unconcious. If a helpful passer-by stopped to assist you then they may notice your vest label at the front and think "Oh, his head's been twisted around 180°!" If said passer-by then attempted to twist it back to its 'original' position the consequences just don't bear thinking about! So don't feel too bad about pensioner's pranks, Alan, but respect your elders. They can offer invaluable advice to youngsters like yourself just setting out on the road of life. Best wishes Madame Pico      Thank you, Madame Pico. (And get well soon!) Any other readers with DIY queries out there? Do drop me a line and I'll see what I can do.

Doodlebugs

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