MARK BERK?
What has happened to Marcus Berkmann? After reading Bargain Basement in issue 44, I went out and bought Twin Turbo V8 by CodeMasters. The game is utter rubbish, just like the review. Some of the things Marcus said were right, and I quote...
    "...but for once the balance of graphics, playability and speed is well matched..."
    Yup, they're all pathetic!
    I like your new look reviews, but I feel that you should use the Kelvin scale as the Celsius scale is out of date. 273°K is 0°C, and 373°K is 100°C. I assume you use the Celsius as 100°K and 100°F aren't very hot. 81°C for Twin Turbo V8 is definitely wrong. 81°K is more like it. 81°K is just hotter than liquid air. I m not saying this game is cool, far from it. But, okay, clinically dead takes on a whole new meaning.
    My brother has just bought Nigel Mansell's Grand Prix for £2. This game has the sound that a driving game needs, the road is a different colour to the surrounding area, the speed is perfect, and once you're in a spin you haven't a chance to save it, as in real life!
Kevin Sheldrake
Peterborough

Well, let's face it, these two games are in a different league. You sound like the sort of person who appreciates a more realistic game. That's why you probably don't like Twin Turbo V8. The Codies, love 'em, cater for the younger end of the market, whilst Nigel Mansell's GP was originally a full price game. Although it's now on budget, it's not really fair to compare a game that was produced to sell for three times the price, and aimed at older players. Still, that having been said, the Nigel game is brilliant, isn't it!? It doesn't matter too much that it's dated by the inclusion of turbos (now banned from the Grand Prix circuit, fact fans). Oh, and I was under the impression that you could correct a spin by steering into it. Still, at budget value it's worth a good 360°K. Let's see what Marcus gives it, shall we? Ed.

STAR LETTER YOUR INDISPENSIBLE FRIEND I am writing to tell you about my innovative low cost navigation aid. My system uses a Sinclair Spectrum and a 5" portable television, both of which are powered from the boat's 12 volt mains. The small ZX printer can be attached to produce a record of the day's navigation and sailing.     I have just finished a three week sail down through the Channel Isles to Morlaix in Brittany and it was so useful not only to be able to establish quickly and easily the necessary navigational data for the day's sail, but also to check progress instantaneously. I thoroughly recommend it to any long distance sailor! David Heaps Horsham, Sussex

In France there are about a hundred plus Speccy users, and I know one who uses his Spectrum in his job to analyse experiments and other things. He's a biochemist!
Gabriel Peyron
Paris

I know that the Spectrum is a games machine, but i have bought a Disciple interface, 3.2 inch DSDD disk drive, dot matrix printer, and Last Word word processing program, and I am trying to use my Spectrum as a small business computer.
Rodney A Gillett
Kogorah, Australia

Yes, the Speccy really is a godsend, isn't it? Do you have any other practical use for it? Maybe you play rugby and use your humble rubber-keyed 48K to calculate the optimum angle of elevation for successful conversion kicking. Or perhaps you work at Heathrow Air Traffic Control and use a Speccy to assist transatlantic traffic on its final approach? If so, we want to hear from you! Drop us a line at 101 World Shattering Uses For The Humble Speccy, YS, 14 Rathbone Place, London W1P 1DE. And, who knows, you may become the proud owner of three Star Letter games.

WHY DON'T UFO?
I am not from this planet. I travelled down in this wicked spaceship to see you at the PC Show on September 30th and can't get back home. I used the phone thing but the alien at the other end would not place my call. I am staying with me pal Mashy at Liskeard and would luv you to send me some plutonium sellotaped to an envelope. Oh yeah before I go, what's Jackie's address? I want to waste loads of mankies sending her letters (manky is the currency on my planet).
William Mashiter (Mashy)
Liskeard, Cornwall

I don't actually have Jack's address. Er... ever since I loaned her that tenner back in December '88 she's kept mum about the location of her piggy bank. Oh, and the plutonium's on its way from Sellafield. Keep your eyes peeled for Postman Pat and his green and white radioactive cat (with three heads). Ed.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Let's go down Italy way this month, with a visit to that merry old land of spag bol and Sabrina! Olé! I've noticed in your Letters corner somebody has never spoked about soccer. Here in Italy is the most famous sport. Personally I am a supporter of Bologna FC, not celebrated as Milan or Inter I know but I think is the greatest (very impartial). In your country I like Millwall, especially Tony Cascarino (paid £220,000 from Gillingham in June 1987, I'm informed, isn't it). Not a bad team considering the last year was in second division. However I hope to see in Italy soon Liverpool or Arsenal. But I don't write to tell you this, but to put a question, that is tormenting me incessantly, to you:     WHO IS EMLYN HUGHES?     In every English football mag I can read something written by EH, particularly Emlyn's verdicts (and ever wrong) and now a football game for Speccy with his name! Pliis! Tell me who is:     a) A retired football player?     b) A drunk journalist?     c) The Lord Chancellor? Maurizio Gallina Milano, Italy You're nearly there, he is in fact a former Liverpool and England captain no less! No, we jest not! Nowadays, he's probably better known for his columns, his sports quiz captaincy and saying "Eeeh Ah can, David, Ah can! Ah know this one, Ah know it!"Ed.

EMBARRASSED!
You've done it now, have you? (Have we? Ed) Failing to put a mark on your reviews, namely Strider. It all goes to show how downhill your once trendy magazine has gone. A few things have contributed to making me embarrassed to buy YS.
    1) You can't afford to put cassette cases on to your Smash Tapes.
    2) You make all the good arcade games Megagames when they actually turn out to be crap (like Red Heat and Forgotten Worlds).
    3) You have far too many adverts.
    4) You invent names and addresses for the compo winners, so that you can keep the prizes for yourselves.
    5) You have too many multiface POKEs. Why bother when they are soon going to be illegal?
    6) And, finally, why do you employ Mike Gerrard? His column takes up half the mag (almost)!
    I hope you can correct some of these complaints. Hmmm... T'zer would know what to do!
Derek Stuart
Aberdeen

1) It would be an expensive process, but we also feel that tape boxes would incur loads of problems. They'd be damaged in the post, they'd pull YS covers off, and the magazine would be harder for our distributors to handle.
    2) Neither Red Heat nor Forgotten Worlds were Megagames.
    3) This, of course, is your own opinion. Some people who are looking for a service would like to see more ads. But, essentially, the revenue generated by these ads helps us to bring you more YS editorial pages.
    4) We never make up names and addresses of prize winners, and prizes are most definitely not kept by any members of the Dennis Publishing staff.
    5) Just because the legality of multifaces is in question, this doesn't mean that all these useful utilities will disappear 'overnight'. Again, I'm sure a great number of our readers would protest if we dropped this popular section.
    6) We happen to think Mike is the best adventure writer in the business. Just because, I assume, you don't like adventure games, do you think it's fair to deprive everyone else? I suggest you spend several hours watching Sesame Street so that you can learn to be more tolerant of people with different tastes and notions. Ed.

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD WURLY CURLY In the shop, I took from the shelf my November copy of Your Sinclair and, blimmin' Nora, there was no Cover Tape. So, following your advice on the front of the mag, I went and asked 'the shifty looking chap behind the counter' about its absence. "Excuse me," I said, "there is no Cover Tape on this magazine, sir, and the people at YS put forth a wager that you probably have it, sir, so will you fill me in, sir, please, sir, give it to me?"     No sooner had I emitted these words, than I was dragged over the counter, my nose was jammed in the till, I was poked in both eyes by Mars bars, and then had a Curlywurly curled around my wurly. You see, the 'chap behind the counter' was actually a woman!! So I claim a Trainspotter Award, 'cos you said she was a chap! Al Swollen Belle Vale, Liverpool Honestly, if we said "Go and jump in a fire" would you do it!? What are you doing with that petrol and those matches? No, WAIT!! Ed. TWO DS OR NOT TWO DS, QUACK IS THE QUESTION I am very unhappy! You have spelt my beloved friend's name wrong! In ish 46 you spelt Edd the Duck's name 'Ed' (like, there are two 'D's in his proper name). Since I am an expert of this fine little creature, I would be delighted to accept a Trainspotter Award. Okay?     Byee! Jane 'Edd the Duck's Chum' Elliot Carnoustie PS Long live Whistlin' Rick! (By the way, is he married? My friend wants to propose!) PPS Is it possible to receive a most swoonsome photo of yourself!? Just give me a second to understand this. Your friend, Edd the Duck, wants to propose to Whistlin' Rick!? Well, there's a slight problem here (ignoring the basics, like 'Does Rick want to marry a green duck?') which is that he's allergic to feathers! Anyway, since I am not a victim of this ailment here is a picture of me 'left holding the baby' at a recent royal garden party. Hope you like it! Ed.

BUG IN DE INDY GAME?
I think the second level of Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade is impossible. I go through the right door and everything, but I can't get off the first platform. To the left is a dead end, and... well, just read the diagram I've enclosed. (Read, read, hmm, yes. Ed) Well, as you can see, it's impossible. Do you think I should send the game back to US Gold, or could you give me some help? You must be able to do it because in the September edition you showed us screenshots from every level. Please reply as soon as possible because this second level is really bugging me!
Lee Keenan
Burnley, Lancs

Actually, I've received quite a few letters to this effect and so I thought I'd have a word with US Gold. Dial dial, beep beep, beep beep. "Hello? US Gold? Ah yes, yes, well, you see it's about the second level of Indy, yes, right, great, that's very nice of you. Bye." Okay, so there we have it! Basically there does seem to be some bug on the second level, but US Gold tell me that if you have a faulty Indy game, return it to them, and they will replace it with a non-bugged copy! Ed.

GREENS ARE GOOD FOR YOU
Is Your Sinclair 'green'? If not, I ought to come around and waggle all your joysticks 'til they break or fall off (whichever happens first). Anyway, here are some tips on how to be the first 'green' Spec mag.
    1) Burn all other Spec mags - that should make the ozone layer more friendly!
    2) Burn all song sheets belonging to Whistlin' Rick Wilson. That should make the Earth safer!
    3) If Davey boy tries to sing ever again, make him eat so much paper that they'll have to re-cycle him into something more useful!!
    And there you go! You'll be so 'green', you'll never be 'blue' again. (Get it? Get it? Oh, never mind!)
Laurie Smith
Ripley, North Yorks
PS This letter was written on recycled paper, so there!

And very tasty it is too. (Scoffle munch!) Davey.
    Of course we're green - green with envy of your horrid pink stationery! Ed.

FISH AND TIPSHOP
The other night, while playing your ber-rilliant demo of Power Drift, my telly blew up! Using my neat little fingers, I fixed it, but the casing was well and truly busted. So I made a case from some ripped-up YSs and chicken wire. All was well until later that night when I heard some rather spooky loud splashing. Guess what!? My fish were reading me flippin' YS from their bowl which was on top of the telly!
    Next day, I rushed to the shop to get Tim and Tom their very own copy of YS. So, there you have it! I bet you didn't know fish read your mag too, did you?
Simon Durso
East Sussex
PS Blip, blob, blib, blob. (Tom.)

Well, that's absolutely incredible!! Your fish have got the same names as mine! Ed.

TO BALDLY GO...
Yo, YS! The long wait I endured for my YS badge was well worth it, 'cos I eventually received an exclusive YS goody bag. Unfortunately, when I opened it on the living room carpet, Duncan's fag end fell out and emptied tobacco everywhere! My mum says she'll kill him if she ever sees him! So watch out, Dunc, for a killer mother wielding a customised hoover! I tried Grecian 2000 as you suggested, and I am now bald (photo enclosed). Oh, and thanks for the playing card you sent me. It was quite a coincidence because I had recently lost that particular card from my own pack. Now I have replaced it, so I have a whole set once again. Thanks a lot, YS!

John 'Pom' Pickney
Southampton

I'm sorry for the delay in sending your badge to you, and for the detrimental effect on your coiffure! Still, that beautiful lady called Fortune has smiled on you, has she not? I mean not only do you have your badge at last but you also have a complete set of cards and loads of dosh saved on hair care products! Ed.
    

SMALL PRINT Please will you give T'zer a big kiss on my behalf, and tell me what her reaction is? Robert Wilkins Carmarthen T'zer! Can you come here a mo? (Attempted snog!) Ed.     Eurgh! (Krack!!) T'zer.     Dank's berry buch por dat duggustion. Dow I bust bush ob doo Kadualdee to hab by dose but ib a sblint. Ed. You probably don't believe this but I have a friend who doesn't like the Freescape(TM) games! Andrew Whittaker Thatcham, Berks You're right, we don't believe it! Ed.

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE With a hearty 'mega-groan' and a huge "Oh no!!" it's the YS Kindly Leave The Stage Gong Show Crap Joke Corner. And here's this month's contestant! It's young Philip Chuter from Herne Hill.          Q. Where do you keep your armies?     A. Up your sleevies!          Gong! (That joke is so old it makes JR Hartley look like Jack the Nipper. Ed) All right, I'm feeling benevolent, you can have one more chance          Q. Where do you keep your buccaneers?          Gong! That's enough of that!          Reckon you can make the grade? Reckon you can spread mirth and good humour amongst the YS team? Have you got what it takes to have a belly laugh at the blatantly not very amusing? You may have what it takes to appear in the next Kindly Leave The Stage! Send your jokes to Kindly Leave the Stage, YS, 14 Rathbone Place, London, W1P 1DE. A YS badge goes to the writer of every joke printed!

NEAR DISASTER AT WHISTLIN' GIG!
The other night I took my copy of Whistlin' Rick's Hold My Hand Very Tightly (Very Tightly) to our local dancing bar and asked the DJ to play it. Guess what? The entire crowd went hatstandishly mad and berserk, wacky and funky, and all the inhabitants of the city who could hear us sing and dance joined in! Everybody forgot their daily problems and started dancing to the rhythm, whistling and singing the sampled 'ho... ho... ho... hold my hand very tightly' and doing (Casio SK-1) sampling impressions. In the end it was so crowded that people started stepping on each other. Many were wounded, and it looked like it could turn into a real YS massacre. I thought it would be best if somebody put an end to this potentially dangerous situation. I managed to make my way across the dancefloor, get to the tape recorder, and take the tape out! I became a hero. I had saved many lives. Three times "Hooray!" for YS. It has made me a hero!
Martin Van Spanje
Heemstede, Holland

And three times "Hooray!" for you, for saving Whistlin's fans. He needs all the support he can get! Ed.

YOU MUST BE JOCKING!
I am complaining about the racism displayed in issue 44. Just because I'm a Scot and you're an English pig (a psycho pig, har, har) I huv bin waiting over a month now for the non-existent badge. Where is it, ya drut?! Boom! Oops! My stomach just exploded! Want tae ken why? I just looked at yer photie!
    So geeze a badge or the three gemmes.
Graham 'Funkadelic'
Clark
Lothian
PS What's a jock?
PSS I hate yer guts!

Blimey! How did he get in here again?! Funkadelic, eh? Now there was a band and a half. Ed.
    "One nation under a groove." Davey.
    SHUT UP! Ed.
    

OOH, YOU POOR DEAR Your problems solved by Madam Pico     Dear Madame Pico,     I am very depressed. Everyone thinks I'm really together and a very happy person, but in fact I'm not. You see, my job brings me into contact with a great many letters describing people's problems in intimate detail. Can you imagine how it feels, day in day out, to have to read all about people's traumas and heartbreaks?     I never wanted to be an agony aunt - I always fancied myself more in the role of Jacques Cousteau. Yes, underwater exploration was always my forte, but in these troubled times when jobs don't grow on trees one has to make a living whichever way one can. There were no vacancies in underwater exploration, and one cropped up simultaneously in the agony aunt line. So I went for it. Yes, the money's not bad and I do get a lift from helping people out, but I don't get the thrill of bobbing along on the bottom of the beautiful briny sea, or the chance to get a closer peek at the plants and creatures of the deep. In short, I think it would be grand to dance upon the sand. Please advise. Auntie Madge Peterborough Oooh, you poor, poor dear, you really couldn't imagine just how much I feel for you. I'm not sure though, lovey, that you have a very accurate grasp of what undersea exploration actually entails. Yes, it has its glamorous side, but the murky depths are also fraught with danger. I mean, do you really think you could cope with 'the bends'? Let me tell you, lovey, maybe you would be better to take things in easy stages. Do you know where I find solace when I've had a harrowing day behind the crystal ball? In my tropical fish tank! No, no, lovey, not actually inside it! Rather, spending my time in front of it, watching my little candiru (or Willy Fish) swimming about merrily.

Doodlebugs

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