IT'S A RIGHT EYE OPENER!
Let me tell you about an enlightening experience I have just had! I hadn't bought YS for a few months 'cos I was planning to buy an Amiga, and had lost interest in Speccy games.
    Anyway, I thought I'd buy this month's YS to see if anything had changed and to get the free tape.
    When I got back from the newsagents, I loaded up the demo of Passing Shot. Wow! Worra game! By now I was seriously thinking of keeping my +2. Then I decided to look at Advanced Lawnmower Simulator. Whoooa! You just don't get games like this on the Amiga! Can the 16 bit games really be much better than Passing Shot? No, I decided, and the Speccy games are a fraction of the cost! So now I have decided to keep my Spectrum - thanks to Your Sinclair.
Stephen Lovell
Cannock

Yep, the Spectrum, it's a blimmin' miracle, isn't it!? And full marks to Garden Soft for showing us the full capabilities of this remarkable machine! Ed.

MOW COMMENT!
I, Sir Tobias of Ilford, claim to be the first person to finish that spanky game, Advanced Lawnmower Simulator. Using no POKEs or cheats, I managed to mow the lawn so well that I was offered 'a corned beef sandwich'! Here are my tips for the garm.
    1 ) Choose the Patio Sprintette.
    2) Keep the 'M' key pressed.
    3) That's it!
    I congratulate you on managing to get Garden Soft to allow you to put such an addictive and brilliant game on your super, lurvely, smashing, boing, boing, oo-er, how's-about-a-bit-of-how's-your- fatherly, superb, free tapes!
Mr Massive (Oo-er. Ed)
Ilford

Oh, thanks for the Ipswich Town fixtures listing enclosed with your letter... er, it'll... erm, come in most handy. Ed.

YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE!
I have a problem. The trouble is my copies of YS don't last as long as other top selling brands of washing up liquid I could mention. No sooner have I got them home than it's all over. Couldn't you give me some hints and tips on how to make them last longer?
Zug The Indescructible
Fareham

If you're talking about YS lasting longer as a mag, then you could do no better than to invest in a sturdy YS Binder (or two). If, on the other hand, you're trying to use YS to help you with all those domestic chores, then we'll have to consult some expert advice... Ed.
    I've been testing YS out against some other leading brands on this cub scout jamboree, and have found that YS lasts three times longer than its closest rival! It even removed all traces of Bernard Matthews' Crispy Crumb Turkey Chops! Nannette Newman.

ROCK STAR TOOK MY DELTIC DIESEL LOCOMOTIVE NUMBER!
David Wilson, take a step out of the limelight and make way for a new(ish) mega-group - The Trainspotters!
    Yes, folks, it's true! While on a shopping excursion, I spotted a bundle of records for the princely sum of ten 'bob' so I whipped out my cash and bought them. Imagine my surprise looking through them when I found Hiring The Hall by The Trainspotters! Just to prove I'm not fibbing, I've enclosed the record (at great expense) for your aural pleasure.
Mark Parry
Middlesborough
PS Sorry about the packaging, I can't afford Jiffy bags!

We're sorry about the packaging too. The record broke in the post. But never mind, 'cos by sticking it together with a Pritt stick, spinning it on a pencil, and 'playing' it on the spike on the back of one of T'zers earrings, we were actually able to hear Hiring The Hall. It's a lovely ditty about hiring a church hall in order to hold a train number swapping night and is the follow up to their former big 'miss', You Need Platform Tickets. Ed.

A BRUSH WITH FATE
Dear oh dear, Matt, what a state your mouth is. No wonder with all those letters shoved in your kisser. But I have the answer. This special toothbrush is made so you can brush your teeth and keep T'zer's fan mail (or even yours) in your gob at the same time

Billy Ramsay
Scotland

Thanksh flor nushing, Villy. Now I chant shay anything wishout shpitting bitsh of tofpashte all over the offish. (Ptui!) Phew, that's better. Now at least I don't have to get a flip-top head. Ed.

GET REAL!
I am convinced that your 'Wonderful World Of Speccy' is a joke and an insult to your overseas readers. In your 43rd number there was a letter from Krzysztof Frys of Poland. I had a Polish friend of mine translate it for me. He didn't know what language it was written in! It certainly wasn't Polish! Don't make up letters when people send in real letters to you.
Sally Ginsberg (Granth)
Sweden

We were very miffed to hear this, because every letter that appears in YS is genuine. Sometimes, if they're a bit too long, we chop them down a bit, but they are all 'real' As for Krzysztof's letter, we're baffled! Ever since YS was mentioned by a Polish magazine called !Bajter! we've been inundated with loads of strange requests from that marvellous country. Krzystof's letter was one of these, as was amply proven by its franked Polish stamp. As for insulting our overseas readers, this couldn't be further from our minds. It's just that some letters are a tad amusing to an English speaker. But who are we to criticise - they still speak English far better than we can speak Polish, Swedish, Italian, Lap, Mongolese...! Ed.
    Speak for yourself, Matt. I for one can say 'groin strain', 'the boy done well' and 'it's a game of two halves' in every language known to man. Yours not only a 'southerner' but a Londoner born and bred (lay orf me barrer), Gertie.

DETAILS DETAILS
I've been collecting YS since issue 20 and I wouldn't dream of swapping to another Spectrum magazine. (You mean there are other Spectrum magazines? Ya live and learn. Ed) But I have some complaints.
    1) Please start printing your compos on the back of adverts and not reviews.
    2) I have written hundreds of letters to Input/Output and none have been printed except the first one I sent. Why?
    3) I enter all your compos in every magazine and have spent £15 on stamps but never won anything. I usually enter on the same day as I buy the issue, so if you restrict the compos to the first 100 entries then I might stand a chance.
    4) Please make your Letters section bigger.
    5) Why were there no Compo Winners in the June issue?
    6) I think Madame Pico is very cruel to the people that write to him/her!
    7) Can I say hello to Andrew Turner?
    Apart from these few points I think your mag is the best in the world.
Martin Bastack
Birmingham

Well, what can I say except...
    1) YOU tell the advertisers.
    2) What's wrong with that? You got one printed, didn't you?
    3) Even if we restricted it to 100, there'll still be no guarantee you'd win. That's a 100-1 shot, and no bookie I know would give you tuppence for those odds.
    4) Erm, surely if we made it bigger it wouldn't fit in the mag?!
    5) Mind your own business.
    6) So do I. Think yourself lucky she isn't answering YOUR letter.
    7) No you can't. Ed.

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD HI EYE QUEUE Eye hav bean reeding your magazeen four kwite sum tyme, and eye lyke thu Leturz pagez beekoz eye kan praktis mye reeding. Eye espeshalee lyke thu Tranespotur Award sekshun. Kan eye klame an award four spating a speling mistayk on thu frunt kuvur ov thu Orgust ishu. Thu wurds shood reed "Yor Sinclare".     I deesurv thu award four beeing extreemlee klevur. Graham Evans Clwyd There's nothing rang with my speeling, you jung scamp. And it's 'Cloowid' not 'Clwyd'. Ed. GREEN WITH AN 'E'? Oh no! You've made a mistake, haven't you? In the September issue on page 20, where it showed Catherine Higgs on Ghost Train, you spelt Sarah Greene without an 'E' on the end! So, on spotting that error, I hereby claim my Trainspotter! Dominic Roe Ely, Cambs If you'd actually read that feature properly, you'll have seen that we wrote "Sarah Green better watch her back!" Well, we meant Sarah, daughter of Colin Green the cleaner. She twisted a vertebrae and has a bit of a dodgy back. The messy Ghost Train studio brought her to mind, and so we were advising diligence on her part. Ed. LATE ARRIVAL There's a mistake in the mistake section. Look at the picture in the Trainspotter Award. Right, done that? Now look at the same picture in all your other mags. Note that the train hasn't moved an inch! Even BR locos can't be that late, so I expect a Trainspotter in the post this minute (or the next!). Philip 'Flip' Chamberlain Rochdale Flippin' Ada! We've run out of Trainspotter Awards! We were expecting the next delivery on the 18.50 Notty Ash to London, Paddington, but it seems to have been delayed! Sorry about that. Ed.     Trainspotter, please, boys. Knotty Ash (with a 'K') is a for-real place near Liverpool where the odious Dodd actually lives (hence, a place to be avoided at all costs), so you should be waiting at Euston, not Paddington. Yours, Gertie.     OUT! Now! Ed.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY (Cue music)     Don't know much about history,     (Pom, pom, pom, pom),     Don't know much 'bout poetry,     But I do know that Lafoes De Cima from Portugal is in this month's Wonderful World Of Speccy! POTTY POETRY Here goes with a poem about YS.          YS is great,     I love all its charts,     When I see guys with other mags,     It breaks me to parts.          And here's another.          YS is brill, full of gags,     The reviews are cool,     Anyone who buys other mags     Is a real born fool!          A real art work, huh? Mmmm.

    

SMALL PRINT Do not open, My pet lion is inside! ******* ***** Lummox! We obviously couldn't risk opening this one, so we've absolutely no idea who you are or what you wrote in to us about. Ed. What are your views on the mating habits of the water biscuit? Bogi Snotbreath Essex Oooh, well, fwoar, erm, we try not to think about it! Ed. Please put a Rolf Harris didgeridoo simulator on one of your cover tapes or I shall eat myself. Yum! The Phantom Sheep Warley Sun-arise, it come in de mor-nin'. Heh, heh, can you gis what it is yit? New Zealand lamb, thit's whot! Ed. I have enclosed some English sweets - 'Opal Fruits'. (I haven't really, readers, but it'll keep them looking, eh?) Philip 'Art C Clarke Is Alright' Davies Oswestry, Shropshire Oil Where's the Opal Fruits then, you scamp! I'll just have to move on to Mark 'Fffnnnaaarrr' Williams. Ed. Enclosed are some green Fruit Pastilles (as I don't like 'em!!). Mark 'Fffnnnaaarrr' Williams Cambridge Scoffle, munch, mmm, thanks!! Next! Ed. Still trying to intimidate me with your pathetic 'Holland - The Land Of The Clog' joke, huh!? Martin Van Spanje Land Of The Clog Who, us? Poppycock! Ed. If you want to know how to kill the squelchy thing at the end of Rex, all you... Stephen Graham Newtownards, Northern Ireland Thanks, but I already know. Ed. Please, please, please could you tell me if Indiana Jones - The Adventure Game will be coming out on the Speccy? Adam Christopher Trelewls No. (Erm... that's not 'No, I won't tell you', it's 'No, US Gold is only releasing it on the 16 bit formats' unfortunately.) Ed.

NINNIES!
I just do not know what you've got against 'southerners'. Is it our accents? Is it because your head office is too close to my brother's socks?
    Whatever the reason, I'm sure that if this letter were published (hint, hint) maybe some more 'southerners' would be encouraged to write in.
    Apart from that I think YS is sooper dooper, especially the compos and Program Pitstop, but bring back Crappa Macca, as the new bloke hasn't changed his socks since Snouty had a bath!
Julian 'They Call Me
Crowlie' Crowle
Basingstoke

Your brother's socks, eh? I was wondering what that nasty niff was! Anyway, basically I think all 'southerners' are a bunch of whinging ninnies! Oh, and by the way, it's not that Jonathan doesn't take a bath, it's just that he lets his socks 'air' in Farty the warthog's favourite cupboard! Ed.

SNIFF, SNIFF, WAAAAHHH!
Why did T'zer leave? Was it the strain of being Ed? Anyway, I'm glad we have got a good replacement. I have read YS for years and enjoyed it very, very much, but why don't you give your cassettes away with cases on them like other mags? Keep up the good work and cool tapes.
Daniel Ramsay
Essex

Teresa hasn't really left. She's a publisher now so she can whip even more people on the botty for a living. (Slap! Yahoo!) So dry those tears and stop that snivelling. We don't put cassette cases on the covers 'cos they're more bulky to transport and they break in transit, scattering thousands of little pointy plastic shards through the postal service. Needless to say Postman Pat gets VERY cross. What we might just do though is get some together to sell in Superstore. But then we might not. Any questions? Ed.

I TEST FOR SPECS?
Below I have written something which will test your Speccy. It will only work on some Speccies though, and I don't think it works on 48Ks. What you do is this. Press Reset and then press Break. Something should come up on the screen. Now press Q,A,Z, and M,L,P, all together. Now (if it's worked) follow the screen prompts'. This should test your keys. There's also a scale which will test your cassette recorder and much more!
Kevin Cooper
Carlisle

Blimey, we never knew there was so much in it! Mind you, when we followed your advice on the office 128K+ nothing happened. We then tried the office +3. Ah ha! Success! We could do things like test the keys, joystick port, the whole caboodle! But what's this large flashing warning saying "Take care! These tests corrupt disks and require factory test equipment! You have been warned!" Hmmm! Ed.

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE Hi! And welcome to the YS Gong Show! Here's our first contestant, and he's Keith The Wizard from Sutton in Ashfield.          Q. What's the difference between Kylie Minogue in a red light district and a bin liner in a red light district?     A. Eventually, the bin liner will get picked up!          Gong!! No, no, no! That was terrible. Okay, your turn, Daniel Hooper from Plymouth.          Q. Why did the chewing gum cross the road?     A. It was stuck to the chicken's foot!          Gong!! Aaaaargh! Will the pain ever end?

STAR LETTER EXTORTION! Lordy, lordy, lordy, Miss Claudie! Have mercy! For once, YS is giving in to extortion! Your games are in the post, we hope you like them. They're the three latest hits from a certain software company, and they're "absolutely brilliant!" Ed.

    

OOH, YOU POOR DEAR! Dear Madam Pico,     I am very concerned about my parents. You see, I am convinced that one day they will ask to take me for a walk in the woods. Then, when we are deep in the forest, they will run off and leave me! What can I do?     Yours scaredly, Hansel F Stevens Edgbaston Oooh! You poor dear, you are having a rum old time of it, aren't you? I'm sure this whole thing is a figment of your imagination. However, if you do suspect that your parents are intent upon leaving you deep in the woods, then I would suggest being well prepared! Carry, at all times, a very large quantity of stone chippings in your pocket. Then if you do find yourself forest-bound with your folks, you can simply take a leaf out of the fairy tale book, and leave a trail of very small stones for you to follow home later!      Dear Madame Pico,     I have a Delta Sierra... er... a serious problem. You see both my parents were fighter jocks, sorry, pilots, and they've brought me up entirely on fighter speak! This would be Happy Hour at O'club if it wasn't for the no joy situation that the other Charlies aren't locked on - that is - they don't copy what I'm transmitting, erm, saying. Please advise, Madame Pico, I'm socked in and Winchester.     Roger that, Jeffery 'Chuck' Trubshaw Mildenhall Er... Right then, you poor dear, chocks away and angels one five! I think that your best plan of action would he to study very hard at school, and then apply for a commission as a flying officer in the air force. There you'll find a great many like. Minded people who all talk 'your kind of language'. Alternatively, you could apply for a job at the BBC, commentating on the Farnborough Air Display. I mean, that Raymond Baxter fellow must be getting near to retiring soon. Anyway, best of luck, young chap, erm, is that a wilco?

Doodlebugs

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