MEGA COOL!
YS is brill! But (and that's a mega but) I have a few complaints. First - I love Slots Of Fun. But make it bigger! Second - Davey 'Pop Star' Wilson is mega cool. But I want more! Third - your tapes. Bah, make 'em better, with more demos! One more thing - Matt 'Goss, Better Change It To Iron Maiden' Bielby is a big whoopsie (oooops), Duncan is a maniac, and is Sean Kelly a relative of mine?
Richard 'Schwarzenegger'
Kelly
Cardonald, Glasgow
PS Hi to my sister Tracey, mum, dad, gran and all the folk in Larkfield bus garage.
PPS T'zer is brill. Bring back T'zer.
PPPS Hi to (That's enough 'hi to's' Ed).

I've been on to the main Glasgow District Housing office and told them how you, Tracey, your mum, dad, gran and numerous other 'folk' are trying to get out of paying the poll tax by living in Larkfield bus garage. They assured me that you'll be turfed out in due course, and sent me 20 quid for 'information received'. Ed.
    He's only joking. Even Matt thinks that the poll tax is totally outrageous. T'zer.
    No I don't. Ed.
    Shut up. T'zer.

CURED!
You have changed us! We will never listen to another note of Metallica or The Cure or any other of our favourite bands! We are now fully-fledged David 'Whistlin' Rick Davey' Wilson fans! We demand a fan club with T-shirts, posters, badges, photos and monthly mags! We also want to know when he'll be gigging. I'm sure Carnoustie High School Theatre would be a suitable venue, but failing that our front room is free from now on. Please, please, please, tell us more about this phenomena! We want to know EVERYTHING about him!
Jane, Matt and Rick
Carnoustie

Like all cult figures, Whistlin' Rick prefers to shy away from the public eye. However, we do know that he modelled himself very much on a cross between Roger Whittaker, the Stock, Aitken and Waterman stable, and - as you rather astutely noticed - Metallica. Since you are obviously attuned to Whistlin's talents, I'm sending you an autographed pic. By the way, I mentioned to him your kind offer of a concert venue and he sounded very excited - rather too excited for my liking!! Ed.

TERRIBLE!
Maybe I've written to the wrong page but I felt I had to complain to someone. This 'Wilson' bloke who sang that song on the YS tape, well, I thought that it was TERRIBLE! The singing was awful, the drums were tinny, there was no bass, the lyrics were demented and the background music sounded like a herd of elephants being tortured! (He'll go a long way. The bloke from the Alien Invasion (What On Earth Are We Going To Do) KitKat advert) As a musician and singer I would appreciate it if you threw the lyricist, the singer and everyone else involved OUT!!! I am now going to sit down and watch 200 episodes of Dallas, proving how crazy I am. So there. Phtthttt! (Raspberry.)
Jane Inquall
Bedfont, Middlesex

Hmm, Jane, it seems you missed the point a trifle here! We told you Whistlin' Rick was terrible! But because he insists on singing at the drop of a hat, we decided to let you hear for yourselves just how bad he really is! Ed.
    Ackchewlee, oi rah- rah- rah-rahrah, rah, rah, rah, rahther loiked it. Koilee.

A PLOT OR WHAT?
I think the mag is brilliant! Anyway, enough of that, I have a few questions...
    1) I was quite amused by the YS Personality Test, but having tried it on my parents, I came up with a slight problem. When I got to Test Four, my Dad drew a swimming pool for the water. What does this mean?
    2) On Philip Schofield's show on Radio One, Thursday 27th July, a person calling him/herself Muscles Malone had his/her letter read out. It explained about the Whistlin' Rick Wilson cassette, and asked for Hold My Hand Very Tightly to be played, which it was. What I want to know is was this a devious plot by the YS staff to embarrass him, was it a plot to advertise the mag on the airwaves, or did you have nothing at all to do with it?
Robin 'Leather' Boffin
Lincoln

1) Basically it means he's in the middle of a totally brilliant dream... unless you've actually GOT a swimming pool, in which case you've got far too much money for your own good and had better invite all the other readers round for a pool-side barbie - sharpish.
    2) Nothing to do with us - honest. We first heard of it from Duncan's sister, who had helpfully taped the last five seconds. However, yes, it was a good bit of 'advertising' - so thanks to Muscles Malone. He's a blimmin' toff! Ed.

WHISTLIN' RICK PHENOMENON!
Dear Mr Bielby
    I am informing you that we at our company have seen great talent in your man 'Whistlin Rick Wilson'.
    We have had a meeting and made a unanimous decision that should we should make you, an offer of a recording contract, since we assume that you are his manager.
    It he signs up to Classical Rock And Pop Music Recording plc he will get 10 times the amount he is earning at the moment; VIP treatment; and all the pot Noodles he can eat.
    We will make him a really expensive Pop Video and ensure that he appears on Top of the Pops.
    Also I have enclosed a very rare copy of when Whistlin Rick and I did a duet of that hit 'Hold my hand very tightly ..... etc.' on a demo tape for you to listen to for your enjoyment.
    Yours sincerely
Simon 'you can't sing,
you can't play and
you look awful,
but you will go a long way'
Greig
MANAGING DIRECTOR
C.R.A.P. Music Recordings Plc
P.S. Don't bother sending back the demo its only a Sinclair User Mega (C.R.A.P) tape, who needs it!

 

A HATSTAND WRITES...
In response to David White's letter in ish 44, I wish to say that I am sick of people misquoting my wife. "Let them eat cake!" Huh! What rubbish! What she really said was "Let them eat brioches!", which was a book she had just written, and was very good at the time. Be careful when you're quoting. Y'know, look it up first, awight?
King Louis XVI
Versailles

Blimey, your majesty, that told him! Hang on a mo!... Haven't you been dead for the last 200 years? Yes, you and your famille had your heads lopped off back in 1793, if I'm not much mistaken! That's what all that palaver was in gaye Pareee in July. Spook!! Anyway, I'll send your badge off to the Palace of Versailles Ed.
    Berk! T'zer.

WOT? NO GIRLIES?
I have recently been looking at the collection of mags that my brother spends his money on. I read your Letters page and I was horrified to see that there were no girls writing in. Why not? I promise I will keep writing in, Matt. I also think it is very nice that you give away free games and demos. It is my brother's birthday soon so please could you tell me the latest games on the market as I am not an avid follower?
Susie V
London N7

Actually, a large number of girls do write in to us. The problem is that most of the letters aren't up to a high enough literary standard to grace these pages. Ed.
    That's not true! T'zer.
    Erm, thank you, Susie, for the kind things you say about us. In fact, we have had several female correspondents in the past. Let me see now, this year there's been Carol and Natasha in issue 39, and Mrs C Edgar back in January (and that's not including Small Printers). In this issue however, we've got Jane, Jane and now you! Oh, and for news on the latest games I always recommend keeping a trusty copy of YS to hand. Ed.

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD JOYSTICK JIGGERED I have found a mistake in your brilliant megamag! 'Ave a gander at ish 42. There is a piece in Program Pitstop called Front End. It says "So for example, if you RANDOMISE USR 65006 the keyscan will change to accept Kempston joystick only." But before this it says that 65006 is Sinclair and Kempston is 65003. So I wanna Trainspotter award from your superskill mag! Gareth Trenchard Barry, South Glamorgan You can put this unforgivable cock-up down to our beloved Gertie (the 'guerilla' typesetter). She doesn't half try it on you know. Anyway - as usual we've given HER your Trainspotter to send on (it saves us a 19p stamp and saves her her job). However, as she's got more bats in the belfry than could fill the Grand Canyon with guano, there's little chance of it travelling to the right address. Ed. ONE BLIND MADGE I am hereby claiming a Trainspotter award because of the mistakes in the August issue.     1) In the Superstore, Aunty Madge said the wallet was £2.99, but the coupon said it was £2.95.     2) Aunty Madge priced the binder at £4.99 but the coupon said £4.95.     3) Also, she said the T-shirts came in three sizes (S, M, L) but in fact the coupon had FOUR sizes (S, M, L and XL). Philip Jeremy Middlesborough, Cleveland Unfortunately, Aunty Madge is going blind. She does her best to hide it, but we caught her out with that old trick from The Great Escape and asked her to pick up a pin in the corner of the room - which she almost managed to do. Until she made contact with the anvil we'd planted in front of it. Ed. BY JINGO! Yo, thickos! I hereby claim a Trainspotter award for noticing a major mistake in Smash Tips. If you check the Indiana Jones POKE it says "If you type 'Jingo' on the menu screen, you get infinite lives.' I tried this, and did it work? No, it %()*%@ did not! It should have been 'Jimbo', you totally brainless twerps! Jason Hawcroft Middleton PS I want a Big Tips badge too for writing in with a cheat. Fortunately we can put this one down to Gertie as well - she will get her g's mixed up with her b's. Expect your Trainspotter to arrive at the wrong house with the stamp upside down. Actually, no, we'll send it to Christopher Farted... he needs a bit of cheering up. Read our Star Letter to find out why! Ed.

OI! DON'T GET SHIRTY
In the July edition of YS a letter was printed from Goncalo Castillo Gomes in the foreign letters section. He requested a place where he could obtain an England national team rugby shirt. I have this information and wish to send it to him, but you only printed part of his address.
    Perhaps if you'd taken his plea a little more seriously you might have printed it in full?
Simon Dawson
Carlisle

Whoah!! Who said we didn't take his plea seriously? He took our advice (we had a phone call to confirm this) and he's actually got a place in next year's England team. So he's got his shirt. But, in case for some reason he wants another one, I've printed your address in full (as you requested) [But I haven't - NickH]. Ed.

ED THE DUCK?
Firstly, I hope that you're not that stupid duck on Children's BBC. And do the new Spectrums (that man Sugar has just stuck Sinclair on an Amstrad) overheat like old Speccies?
    And, by the way, the tapes are out of this world but please, grovel, slurrp, slurrp, bring back Desert Island Disks.
Neil Dark
Dovercourt, Essex

Quack quack. Ed the Duck.
    Bang. Ed the Ed.
    Squawk. Ed the Duck.
    Bang bang! Ed the Ed.
    "    " (silence). Ed the Duck.

A SWEDE WITH A BIG BUT
Okay, I'm *?'!*;! (Ha, I bet you won't print that word!) I've been reading Your Sinclair since February '87 and I'm very pleased with it, but, and this is a big but, there's just one thing!
    Yesterday evening I was going through my beloved YS collection when I realised something. No-one outside the Great Britain (well, except two guys from New Zealand, but they don't count, as New Zealand belonged to England a while ago) has won the Star Letter! Are you a bunch of racists? If I was smart, I would demand that you gave me the Star Letter so's you could prove that you aren't, but I'm not smart. Besides, you wouldn't give it to me, because I've revealed your dark secret.
Ola Anderson
Katrineholm, Sweden

Just to prove you wrong I've given the Star Letter to Mikko Vuorinen from Finland. And, as he hasn't got a Speccy, I'll actually save on the deal as he won't be needing the free games. Instead I'll give them to whichever of you lot comes out of the random name chooser program that Duncan has just written for me on the YS +2A. I'll just press RUN... and ENTER! Wahay - there it is. Well done Pembo Sqzimbargs of Blikroi. Your games are in the post. Ed.

YS IS A B*@&!+Y MIRACLE!
Last week I was riding home from my mate's house with about a dozen copies of YS in a bag, when I hit a brick and flew off. My arm felt like it was broken, it was killing me! My mum took me to the hospital and the doctor said my arm was sprained. He said I was very lucky not to have broken it and was puzzled as to why not. But I knew why! When I had flown up into the air, the copies of YS quickly placed themselves underneath me and broke my fall! So you see, YS is not only the best mag, it's a lifesaver too!
    Yours notabrokenarmingly,
Marcus Taylor
Oswaldtwhistle

Oh dear - that means you haven't got a sling to pin your spanky YS badge to. So I'll send it to Chris Pieri instead as consolation for never being able to visit Finland without feeling a real prat at the airport. Ed.

STAR LETTER WHAT THE PANNA! First I have to say that YS is the funniest computer mag ever.     Second, Janne Harju's joke in the April issue was very funny... if translated into Finnish. Explanation - 'put' means 'panna' in Finnish, and 'parma' means either 'put' or a four letter word beginning with (Right. Yes, that's enough of that. Ed) So the joke is very rude.     Third, did you know that the surname 'Pieri' is also a kind of Finnish word and means farted?     Fourth, I don't have a Spectrum, I have an Amiga. But I read YS because a) it's funny and b) I like Mike Gerrard's Adventure pages.     Thank you for your co-operation. Mikko Vuorinen Joensuu, Finland PS I might have to buy another mag unless you start printing pictures of T'zer again, 'cos even when I enlarge them, there are never enough to cover my bedroom wall! That habitual writer-in, Chris Pieri, is going to have a rum old time at passport control if he ever takes a holiday in Finland. Ed.

    

SMALL PRINT I've just completed Carrier Command and at the end it says 'All islands now friendly." Is this a first? Richard Drinkwater Manchester Yes, but you've obviously taken them in the wrong order. There ore loads of messages you can get. The best one though is "All the islands have been occupied in a logical order. You are very brainy."     So you're not. Ed. Irvine Iain Wark Scotland Well, that was a Stirling effort Ed. Blimey! Was that really Davey Wilson singing? It was brilliant! Leigh 'Leyshon Smells' Loveday Port Talbot Hmm, yes, brilliant is only one of the many adjectives that have been used to describe Whistlin's singing. Ed.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY ON TOP OF THE WORD Don't you know who I'm?     Of course, you know I'm Carlos Freitas, the next subscriber of this magazine. My address is Madiera, Portugal.     I buy all the YOUR SINCLAIR MAGAZINES.     I want to thank you for all the happiness you're causing around the word.     But I think YS is the best magazin of the Spectrum.     Only what I want is the first number of YS. Farmacia Do Canigo Madeira, Portugal I've got a better idea - why not get a Collins Portuguese/English dictionary? Only joking. Nice to know we're giving you so much happiness. Ed. A QUICK FLASH Well! I was hoping to win the Star Letter when an unknown person got away with it. It's so frustrating. Hi Also, what is the big deal of exposing all my scandals? That's not fair! So please stop exposing about myself! Due to your doings, I have been a laughing matter for all my gals! I'm frustrated and depressed! So answer in the positive or else... IT'S TARZAN THE APEMAN FROM INDIA! BULDONO!! Mayur Bombay, India We'll stop exposing about yourself right away. Ed.

Doodlebugs

Next Month