CAN I ENTER THE DUCK!
I am a subscriber to your computer magazine and, every month, I see the compos and prizes that you give away. In January I sent a coupon for the big compo in this issue, something like 'There's No Place At The Inn...... ' and so on. I don't know if overseas readers can enter the compos you have, so I'm writing to find out.
    I have ready a coupon for the Duck Compo, and I want to send it, but first I have to know if participation is possible...
    Sorry about the English Grammatical errors, if there are ones. My English isn't perfect, and probably never will be.
Andreas Hasenack
Sao Leopoldo, Portugal

First of all, your English is perfectly okay. Secondly, participation is very definitely possible, wherever you live. We even let people who live in Holland (the land of the clog) enter our compos!! Ed.

POINTLESS IDIOCY
It's been a while since I've written to you, so I thought I'd drop you a line to say how great the mag is..... but I won't, cos I'm not a fawning fat slob. (A fat slob maybe, but I don't fawn.)
    I write to bring both you and your readers' attention to a nasty change those, ahem, nice people at Ams***d have made to the Speccy +2. I refer to the fact of the er, sex change! Inside all new +2's (the ones with the black cases and repositioned ports) the Ams***d engineers have now put a +3 board minus the drive circuits.
    Until this pointless bit of idiocy, all +2's could use most of the commercially available third party add-ons. Not so now! So out there are a lot of unsuspecting NEW purchasers who bought their machines at Christmas tearing their hair out. Brilliant Amstrad, absolutely brilliant!
    I myself had intended upgrading to a +2, but not any more - Mr Sugar's cronies have put the Kybosch on that idea.
    Right, now where was I? Ah yes, someone asked me recently if l knew what a Kylie Minogue was. Here is what I sent as a reply:
    SUBJECT: KYLIE MINOGUE
    Australian songbird of indeterminate species and origin - its voice grates on the nerves like a badly tuned set of bagpipes. Often to be seen in the arms of the, er, equally talented though less colourful Jay(son) Donovan - again of indeterminate species or origin. Tentative links can be made with the well known stud farm of Stock, Aitken and Waterman, where there's also to be found a fairly pathetic stallion known to the world as a Rick Astley. In conclusion:
    Origin - Unknown
    Species - Unknown
    Talents - Vague
    Plumage - Loud and brassy
    Mating Habits - No data available
    Here's to finding that the rest of 1989 sees you, if not sober, a little merry and not a lot handstand.
Zaeon the Silicon
Chameleon
(alias Malcolm Wright)
Spennymoor, Co. Durham

You're wrong about Rick Astley, old bean. He's taken the plunge and left messrs Stock, Aitken and Waterman and is currently writing and producing his own stuff (and in his spare time he works for us under the pseudonym of Matt Bielby). Ed.

MEGA NASTY
Although I think your mag is brill I'll get straight to the point. I claim to be the first person (under 12) to have completed R-Type. Here's how you destroy the end of level mega-nasty. Destroy eyes with fireballs and then destroy the thing that pops out of the middle (Oo-er. Ed). There you go.
Rory Wilson
Currie, Edinburgh
PS You're beautiful.

And you thought it was hard - wait until you get to level four! Ed.

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE Roll up, roll up, it's hold your ribs time again (doesn't time fly). This month we've got a really, really crap joke and a rather rude one. The really, really crap joke comes from R. Renardson who hails from Liskeard in Cornwall and the rather rude one comes from Paul Morren of Fintry, Dundee. They both win an incredibly circular YS badge, as could you if your 'joke' gets printed. Anyroad, here they are:          Q: How do frogs die?     A: They Kermit suicide.          and          Q: What's the difference between light and hard?     A: You can sleep with a light on.

STAR LETTER A VEGETABLE WRITES I never win anything (well, okay, I won a holiday in Disneyland once - but that's too cheap to count). Anyway like I said, I never win anything so you can imagine my overwhelming joy when I had a letter published in your mag last April and I realised I had won an exclusive YS badge! Honestly, I cried with joy all day.     One year on and you're turning me into a blithering parsnip. I get up at 4.00 am every morning and wait the three hours and fifty-two minutes for the postie to arrive. I rip open all the mail, but as yet no badge. In fact you're turning me from a parsnip into a...... erm, piece of broccoli.     Anyway, regarding the Feb ish. Have you read G. Curries letter? What a load of bunny! Still in the Feb ish, what the heck is Roy Orbison doing playing A Question Of Sport in the Future Shocks section? This is surely a major achievement since he isn't a sportsman and more remarkably as he is dead! Guy McEvoy Penrith, Cumbria He was being propped up by Bill Beaumont (and, incidentally, he answered more questions than Ian Botham). Oh, and sorry about your lack of badge too. I can't think why you've not received it yet. Anyway, there'll be one winging its way to you, just as soon as we've received the latest delivery of badges. Ed.

VIOLENT INTENT
I would like to mention that in your review of R-Type you gave the mega graphics nine. Just nine! Ptui! They deserve a million.
    Anyway, YS is brillo, with all the free games and demos, but there is one problem - some of your POKEs are too long. Why don't you put them on tape? (We did last month. Ed).
    If you don't print this letter I will burn all my copies of YS and smash all the tapes (I will also kill Duncan because he bodged the R-Type review).
S. Wigginton
Hucknall, Notts

Crikey, you make Ayatollah Khomeni sould like 'the voice of reason'. Erm, on second thoughts maybe you don't. Ed.

EXTREMELY PEEVED
I am writing this letter in total fury. The game concerned is R-Type. Whaaat?? "He must be nuts," I hear you say, but the better games players among you will have already discovered what I'm about to impart (and the rest of you will eventually).
    The problem concerns level eight - or rather the lack of it. When you finish level seven and load in level eight, you get a replica of level seven again. And there's more - if you complete this level eight (seven) the game just scrolls on for ever, no end of game sequence or message about depleting the Bydo Empire. I therefore urge readers not to buy this game as it is a rip off!!
J. Parker
Norwich, Norfolk

Woah, woah. I've been onto Activision, who is extremely concerned about this whole state of affairs. Somewhere along the production line someone made a major cock-up. The chump responsible for the missing level has been decapitated (or something), and Activision is re-mastering the entire game, so anyone who wants to finish it can write to Activision (enclosing their original copy) and have the completed version forwarded to them. Ed.

NUT CUTLETS
Your normally tasteful magazine is going down in standard. (Oh no, not another one. Ed) In the old days language such as "perv", "oo-er" and "Sam Fox's t*ts" was used, alongside pictures of scantily clad women, acting merely as innocent sexual objects. But in the May issue I noticed the word "meaty", and a reference to "bacon" on page 42. Don't you realise there are impressionable youngsters reading your magazine? You should be ashamed of yourselves, using such indoctrinous, brainwashing language! I look forward to the return of your traditional high standards.
Andrew 'Meat is Murder'
Lyons
London W7

What's your beef? I don't want to get sausagey about this particular can of pork, but if you ask me, you're off your bacon. It's rare for me to get steaked up about things (well, medium rare, anyway), but you've got me grilling on this one. Come up to the office and you'll see what we can do with a T-bone - unless you're chicken, of course. Oh my God, once I've started, I can't stop writing this tripe... giblets... venison Ed

THE NAME GAME
In the September issue of YS Tom Price from Devon wrote in saying that Northstar was an Industrial Estate in Swindon. To this you replied 'You'll be telling us next that the Magic Knight isn't a hero with special powers born of a land of fantasy, but a British Rail ticket collector at Swansea'.
    Guess what? My best friend has a brother who has a girlfriend who has a second-cousin (twice removed) who's mum works at the Swansea British Rail ticket collection office. One of her workmates is called Magic Knight. What do you think of that then?
David Taylor
Darlaston, W. Midlands

Alright then, and before the rest of you write in we already know that Monty Mole works in the Wimpy in Crewe and that Vixen is a manageress in the Shrewsbury branch of Sainsburys. Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD IT'S A FAIR COPPER Well, what can I say? You've gone and made another total cock-up ain't ya! If you cast your eyeballs over page 29 of the Feb '89 ish, you will find that you have a POKE for Hopper Chopper. You silly prats! The game happens to be called Hopper Copper! No flippin' H! So hurry up and send me my Puffertrainspotter Award.     Don't blame poor little Philipkins either - it wasn't his fault. Jonathan Clay Doncaster, South Yorkshire Oh yes it was (oh no it wasn't?) oh yes it was! Ed. UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPT Let's examine the February issue, shall we? (Go ahead. Ed). On the Contents page it says that the Back Issues are on page 90, but alas page 90 is an ad for some Martech games - you will find the Back Issues on page 160.     On page 22 in Kindly Leave The Stage, the joke says 'How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?' Surely it should say 'How do you turn a duck into a solo singer?' And lastly, in the letter from A. Adema (page 23) it says 'PS How many bades do I deserve?' Surely it should have read 'How many badges do I deserve?' You can send me a Trainspotter Award now. Alex Birdsall Totnes, Devon Point one. You won't find anything at all on page 160 largely due to the fact that page 160 doesn't exist. What you meant to say was 106.     Point two. The joke was about Bill Withers, who is a SOUL singer. So there.     Point three. A Adema did actually ask us to send him a 'bade'.     Looking at the evidence, I come to the conclusion that you actually owe me a Trainspotter Award. Ed. YOU WHAT?? I've spotted a mistake on your Letters page!! Unbelievable but true! I quote "Please please please, you have got to... I haven't missed an issue since issue eight of Your Spectrum!!" Whaat?? Pardon me, am I deaf? (No, just stupid. Ed). Should this not read Your Sinclair? Please send me a Trainspotter as I have never spotted anything at all before. Robbie Ulietinck London N7 You still haven't you clot. Once upon a time there was a mag called Your Spectrum, then one day the name changed to Your Sinclair. Same magazine, different 'monicker'. So you don't qualify for a Trainspotter at all. In fact, I might not even send you a badge (aren't I mean). I'll shake up this can of Diet-Coke to decide - if it squirts all over the place when I open it you don't get a badge, if it doesn't you do. Shake shake shake shake (shake shake). Click. Psss!! Blimey, you were unbelievably lucky there. Ed.

CLAIRVOYANT
I have a serious matter to discuss with you - why, oh why, don't you put adventures on the cover tape? (We have, we have. Ed) I know that there would be complaints from a lot of people if you put just an adventure on the tape, so you could have an adventure on one side and an arcade game on the other. (We've done that, we've done that. Ed) I think you'll find a lot of people satisfied with something like that. (We know, we know. Ed)
    I'm not an adventure freak but I do like adventures. I read the magazine every month and I am very pleased with the quality. I used to get a lot of the other mags too, but lately they've been getting tediously boring so I don't get them anymore (even the cover games are crap).
    Give my thanks to Phil South for printing my Last Ninja II maps - he said there's a future in illustration for me (which is actually what I want to be - an illustrator). What qualifications do you need to become an illustrator? I'm doing A Level art and some other subjects. To all at YS: you're brill!!
Allan Walsh
North Warrington,
Cheshire

And jolly super maps we all thought they were too! Um, you don't actually need qualifications to become a successful illustrator, you just need talent (and tenacity). However, a good art college would be the next best step: after you've finished your A Levels, that is. Ed.

BUG BYTES
Send me a badge or my pet fly (enclosed) will bite your head off.
Max Robertson
Harpenden, Herts
PS It may be dead by the time it gets to you.

You were right. It was as dead as a dodo! And your bargaining power perished with it. Still, I'll send you a badge anyway. Ed.

MORE WEIRD ALIENS
I would like to air my views on software piracy. Wait a minute, what are all these lights? What is that strange noise? Who are these disfigured beings? AAAAAARRRGGGHH!! - Greetings earthlings, we are from the planet Sdfghjkl (whose letters come in a row on your typewriters). We are on a desperate mission - our planet is dying and we desperately need what you earthlings call 'A YS BADGE'. This will stop our planet from folding up until it fits into a piggy bank. Please do not fail us. Beewooweewooo - Who were they? Anyway, I've forgotten what I was saying now.
Neil Stewart
Glasgow
PS Aaaaaaarrgh!!! The aliens are back for the PS's!!

It's strange, I agree, but I've also noticed that when aliens suddenly disappear they make a 'beewooweeewoooo' sound. It's enough to cause amnesia in the bravest of folk. Ed.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Every month we ask you to write in from lands afar, so you can have your letters printed in this, our 'international' section. This month's 'person from elsewhere on the planet' comes from Ireland. His ruse has worked (because we were feeling generous), but it won't work again - remember, a postmark saying 'Scunthorpe' is a birrova giveaway. Oh, and there's someone from Italy in there too!! LOVE LINES Dear Miss the Editor     I have thirty-three years old and I read your magazine since the issue first.     As I am getting very much the older I would dearly like the Trainspotter Award as it would make happy me for rest of my life.     The error I spot is the page nine of issue 39 in March. Under section of making a Valentine card step five, the word envelope is spelled out enevelope.     If you would send award for me it will make me very happy for rest of my life.     Also thank you for printing picture of Bernadette Tynan. It will happy make me for long time.     I am your award expecting humbly faithful. Mervyn Neill Nertownards, Co. Down PS I am not foreign at all, but it appears to me that in all the years that I've bought your mag it's the only way to get a letter printed. Seems to have worked, doesn't it. But before you get too smug, I'll better tell you that your badge is being sent to Poland: do you get prizes for telling porkies? Not in this mag matey! Ed. CENSORED Don't ever think of printing my letter in Small Print or in the Wonderful World of The Speccy section, okay? Gabriele Roncolato Milano, Italy I wouldn't dream of it. Whoops. Ed.

    

SMALL PRINT When I pull blu-tac off my bedroom wall, the wallpaper comes off with it. Leigh Loveday W. Glamorgan, Wales Remove little bits of wallpaper from behind the radiator to cover the offending areas. Ed. Don't ever think of printing my letter in Small Print or in the Wonderful World of The Speccy section, okay? Gabriele Roncolato Milano, Italy Would I do something like that? Ed. Please could you send me a poster of Bernadette Tynan. J. Worthington Rawtenstall, Lancs Fresh out, I'm afraid: How about one of Bernard Matthews? No, thought not. Ed. Tell Matt Bielby to stick a deckchair up his nose. Richard Dunn Horsham, Sussex There's no room - that's where he keeps all his Rick Astley singles Ed. Thanks for the talk. Please don't play with my name, okay? Miguel Alexandre Franco, Ferreira I've got a confession to make, I had a quick game of croquet with it. Sorry. Ed. My mum ripped out page 69 because of the pervy picture - and I was interested in the article as well. Richard Preston Holmfirth, Huddersfield That's censorship for you. Ed. What's all this about the Advanced Lawnmower Simulator? Ben Dyson Burnley, Lancs Blimey, you've certainly 'got your finger on the pulse'. Ed.

Doodlebugs