STAR LETTER THE WHOLE TOOTH I, Gareth Long the unheard of, have completed Robocop! The final message reads, 'Nice shooting, Murphy. You have rescued the president. However, crime does not stop there!' or' words to that effect. I can't remember properly, as my mum has EastEnders blaring in my earhole, and I am currently nursing the holes that the dentist just created in my poor, suffering gob, which has just recovered from the seven, yes seven, injections I endured earlier today.     But enough about me, and onto the subject of Spectrum magazines. Here are my top three.     1) Your Sinclair     2) Pass     3) Pass Gareth Long Linton, Cambs Seven injections for three holes? - thats two and a third per pearly! I think your tooth-doctor must have learnt his trade at the Marquis de Sade school of dentistry. Three free games should help you to convalesce I think Ed.

BROTHER BOTHER
I am proud to say that I have decided to buy your magazine. I looked carefully through the other known Spectrum mags and have these comments. The first was poorly presented with little colour, and the info on some of their reviews was, to say the least, questionable.
    The second mag was slightly better, but it had the one thing that really makes you want to stick your head in a blender: it was BORING. They went on and on in the reviews to the extent that it took me three and half weeks to finish it. Just too much.
    I have, however, one teeny weeny critical remark about YS. It's so good that my brothers run off with it and then I can't find it.
C.S.S.
Dunfermline, Fife

Here's a very simple solution to your 'sibling' problem: make a small hole through the mag (next to the staples) with a paper punch, and tie your copy of YS to your little finger (or something) with an extremely long piece of string. You'll now be able to find it wherever it may wander, so there's absolutely no cause for complaint. Ed.

ONE HUNDRED AND, ER, TWENTY EIGHT
I received a +3 from 'Santa Claws' for Christmas, so I flicked through your mag to find Program Pitstop. I typed in the 128K programs for menus, and music and WOW! (I thought) this baby can do quite a bit. So I fiddled around with the program a bit and found how easy 128K Basic can be.
    Thank you to Your Sinclair for a lot of help. I will continue buying your magazine until the day the Atari ST gets dropped from £399 to £199 (which won't be for a while yet!) Oh, and the tapes are great, especially Movie and Dustin, I see the price has risen, but who cares: YS is worth it.
Nick and Ray (The
Visitors)
Dagenham, Essex
PS Have you ever thought about taking up modelling? You have a great bone-structure (and the rest!)

What's great bone-structure got to do with modelling? An Airfix Lockheed Tristar kit can be assembled by anyone, regardless of appearance. Ed.

BOY FROM BRAZIL
I'm celebrating one year reading YS. I like Rage Hard, Program Pitstop, the cover tapes and some things in the Tip Shop. The reviews are very good, but a bit frustrating to me because I can't take all the games until a pirate brings them to me. This isn't a criticism of course, YS attends to the majority of its readers. I know you'll laugh after I say this but I own the despised Spectrum +3 (Ha, ha. Ed) but although I don't know any other people who own one here in Brazil. I like it.
    +3 owners over the world you are not alone! I would like to hear from Spectrum user's, (+3 or not) from anywhere, Gosteriia tambem de conhecer usuarios do Spectrum nos parses de lingua portugesa.
Ricardo Suzuki
Brazil, South America

You get given games by a pirate? Is he friendly? Has he got a parrot? And a wooden leg? All these questions and more. We may never know the answers And you shouldn't buy games from pirates either Ed.

PERV
I think you're the most beautiful person in the world. I am desperately in love with you. Your photo is next to my heart 28 hours a day (if not more). To be frank, I NEED YOU. Send a life-sized, autographed photo of your heavenly self, so I can kiss it every second. Make my day, marry me. I love you. I adore you, so why cause me this agony - love me too. All I ask for is your love and a YS badge.
Jitendar Caith
Plumstead, London

Unfortunately my love won't fit in an envelope, so you'll just have to make do with the badge. Ed.

LOVESICK
Thank you for your letter concerning our Lonely Hearts advert. We have had a couple of replies, and have selected one. Sorry, but we do not really want to be featured in your forthcoming article - thanks for asking though.
Oscar and Ewan
West Linton
PS Please do not print this letter!!

Whoops! Sorry, it just accidentally sort of 'dropped' in. Ed.

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE We've got one good joke and one joke from Finland this month. See if you can guess which is which.          Q. What weighs 14 pounds but didn't get plucked this Christmas?     A. Roy Orbison's guitar.          and          Q. What is the difference between a good and bad shepherd?     A. A good shepherd puts his life for the sheep and a bad shepherd puts the sheep for his life.          Did you guess which was which? Thanks to Chris Delahunty from Norfolk and Janne Harju from Kalvia. We feel Janne's offering lost something in the translation.

MISTLETOE AND SUBS
Last month, as I took your mag down from the shelf and began to walk towards the counter, I noticed it felt thicker than usual (Oo-er) and I suspected that someone had slipped something in, so I clutched the mag tighter to stop this thing falling out (Oo-er again). Anyway, I payed for the mag and hurried home, and when I finally opened the mag in the safety of my own room I flung open the mag only to find fourteen(!) YS subscription slips.
    I put one in each of the Christmas cards I sent that evening. For boosting YS subscriptions I demand a new shiny YS badge (please).
Pete Ford
Worthfield, Birmingham

To make YS the thickest, bulgiest mag in the cosmiverse, I'm thinking of slipping in a free York Stone paving slab with future issues. Try mailing that to your chums. Ed.

HOKEY POKEY
Could you please explain to me how I can insert POKEs into my ZX Spectrum without a Multiface? Also how much would a Multiface for my computer cost (and where would I get it?)
Robert Brooks
Gateshead, Tyne & Wear

If you're very careful you can unscrew the Speccy on the left hand side, prise it open with a sturdy kitchen knife and insert POKEs there (or you could type in the Basic listings from Fab 'Wack' Macca's Practical POKEs section). As regards Multifaces, you can get them from Romantic Robot, who advertise in this very mag. Get thumbing through now Ed.

I LOVE EMMA LAZENBY!
Oi, if you don't print this I'll get those little Darlings at Code Masters to come round and tell you about their new game: Beat The Ed Over The Head With A Concrete Truncheon Simulator. Anyway, my mate bet me that I wouldn't send in a letter saying that I fancied this girl at our school. But I have and here it is:
    I LOVE EMMA LAZENBY!!
    Ha ha ha, he owes me a lot of dosh, but I'll settle for some wicked computer games, as this will undoubtedly be the Star Letter.
James Sharman
Leeds

You should be so lucky (lucky lucky lucky). Using the Letters page as a dating agency, and expecting payment as well! Tch! The nerve of it all. Still, you can always give Emma your YS badge - they're far more effective than 'a last Rolo'. Ed.

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD TIME SLIP While I was looking through my mega-brill January edition of YS, I noticed a mistake in the Back Issues page. On the coupon, instead of having 15 March 87, it had 15 March 57.     As time travel has not yet been invented send me a Trainspotter Award quick. Tim Meadows Warminster, Wiltshire Who says time travel hasn't been invented yet? If you speed something up to near light speed, its 'time' relative to your own goes all squiffy, resulting in travel into the future. To prove the point I've placed your Trainspotter Award in a particle accelerator - it'll be materialising on top of Nelson's Column (Ooo-er) in nine years time. Ed. 'ELLO 'ELLO 'ELLO Excuse me, sir! I hereby arrest you under the 1964 Trade Descriptions act (made in 1964 you know sir!). Anything you say may be taken down and...     What's that sir? Why have you been arrested?     Ah well, in your issue 38 my Chief Superintendant was reading my issue and he noticed a slight mistake on your Subscription page, where your minions incorrectly stated that one would be guaranteed a meaty game worth £'9.95 FREE, if one subscribed. However, on closer inspection (once my chief super had cut my mag to shreds) he noticed that the games on offer were in fact worth £8.95.     So what have you got to say for yourself? I want a full apology printed in the Trainspotters section, and a prize. What's it to be, prison or a prize? Oh, very nice of you sir, and it's half past three by the way. PC Pascall of the yard Halifax, W. Yorkshire PS I want a signed photo of T'zer for the lads at the nick. I know my rights -- I'm allowed one phone call! Ring ring, ring ring, click - Hello? Perfect Pizza? Can I have a deep-pan special - yes, that'll do, can you deliver it to my cell please? Byeee. Ed. IT'S A CERT I always enjoy your film reviews, but please, please, get the certificates right. There I was rushing out to watch Young Guns, only to find the film was an 18 certificate rather than the 15 certificate that was published. Can I have a Trainspotter Award please? Alex 'Beady Eye' Worth Hove, Sussex Blimey, you're missing out in a big way - it's an absolutely brilliant film. Oh dear, that probably makes you feel even worse (tee hee). Okay, you can have a Trainspotter to keep you company for a year until it comes out on video. Ed. HOLY COW I was re-reading YS ish 36 when I said to myself "holy cow", and all that stuff. You replied to a letter from Argentina saying that your Portugese was not good. Are you kidding? Don't you know that people speak Spanish there?     I think I deserve a Trainspotter award now. Send it to me. !Ya! Alejandro Pazos La Coruna, Spain Um. Er. Eeeeer. Uuuuum. Curses. Just for that you can't have a Trainspotter. That'll teach you not to leave me any loopholes to wriggle out of. !Ya! indeed. Ed.

MISSING BITS
Where did all your Xmas spirit go? While leafing through my January mag (as I normally do), a picture on page 69 caught my eye. On closer examination I noticed that a maniac had been let loose with a one-inch chisel tip marker and had removed the good bits! Can you sack the person responsible and give away an uncensored A3 poster of them with the next ish??
Julian Marshall
Abingdon, Oxfordshire

Certainly not, but to make you feel better I'm going to send you a Kylie Minogue duvet-cover to put on your bed. Oh! I can't. Duncan's gone and nicked it - the scamp. Ed.

CROWNING GLORY
I would want to ask you if there is a chance to pay your magazine by Czechoslovak crowns?) (I cannot by any chance change pounds too?) Thank you very much for your massage
Mile Sollar
Ceske Budejovice,
Czechoslovakia

Massage? My massage? You must be mistaking me for one of the girls at Maior Ronald Fergusons 'club'. Ed.

WHO'S RIGHT?
After getting a Spectrum a few months ago, I thought I'd start buying a mag. So, before Christmas I bought two Speccy mags; Your Sinclair (of course!) and another one. I enioy playing football games, so I looked through both mags and saw they both had a review of Roy Of The Rovers. You gave it seven and the other mag gave it 38%.
    Who's right?
Richard Blair
Bunstable, Beds

We are of course Ed.

WHATALOTOFLETTERS
Dear longwordspeople at YS - I completed your wordsearch in the Jan 89 ish in about two nano seconds, and then noticed something. You didn't include Floccinausinihilipilification, or even Pneumonoultrtramicroscopicsilicovolcaniconiosis. I was disgusted. Words like that should never, I repeat NEVER be left out. Tch!! Your expectinganapologyextremelysoonindeedy.
Lee 'Boff' Wylie
Clacton, Essex

The next mega wordsearch will contain anagrams of Welsh railwaystations You have been warned. Ed.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Every month Speccy owners from all around the planet write to the Ed; and the more hatstand ones end up here. No letters from the 'land of the clog' this time round, though. We've got one particularly bizarre one from Poland, though. CONFUSED AND IN LOVE Yes, it's beautiful, it's nice, it's lovely. I am in love, I have a pretty girlfriend (called Antonia), but the problem is that I don't love her. The real girl that I love is a girl who I saw in a computer mag called Your Sinclair. She was in the cover of a great game: Barbarian II. I think you are that girl, are you? I'd like to have your photography (if you are the girl, of course). I love you... I love you... Maria Whittaker. Danny 'More Beer' Quintana Cadiz, Spain PS Sorry, I don't knowed that you are Ed. I'm not the Ed, I'm a page three girl. Maria Whittaker She's right, I'm the Ed. Ed. ANGRY YOUNG MAN I think the time has come to tell you I'm very angry (He certainly is. Ed). I ordered a Psycho Pig T-Shirt a lot of months ago but what did I find in the letterbox? Well? That's right. Nothing. Does this mean the stupid English GPO went totally bankers or do YOU, you cauliflower-look-alike-hairstyled fish (Ooh, narky narky. Ed) just ignore orders from oveseas?     I also expect another badge for my letter printed in the November ish.     "Be patient" you'll probably say. Nope, I hate waiting! I am getting quite tired of you, T'zer! Calling Holland 'the land of the clog' huh? Have you ever heard a Dutch person saying something like: England - the land where they put acid on their french-fries? Martin Van Spanje Vondelkade, Holland Cor, you are in a bit of a huff, aren't you. Your Psycho Pig T-Shirt should have reached you at about the same time as we received this letter. And as for calling Holland 'the land of the clog' it was meant as a joke. I personally think that 'England the land where they put acid on their frenchfries' is hilarious. It's true, but not offensive (although I actually like soured cream on mine). I don't understand what you find so offensive about my reference to clogs. Holland is, after all, famous for its clogs. And windmills. And tulips. And Edam cheese, dykes and... The list is endless, but I plumped for clogs, okay? Ed. REDITIONAL Dear reditional!     My name is Rafaj. I am 14 years old, I live in Poland. I'm interested in computer program. I have got ZX Spectrum+ for long time. One day I saw your magazine and I like it very much. The trouble is that I am not so rich to afford it. I would like to know if there is a possibility to get your magazine for free, for the whole year (Um, no. Ed.) I could be sending Polish computer magazine iBajtek! I would be very happy if my dreams come true. Rafaj Wainerowski Tarnon, Poland We'll all be very happy if our dreams came true, but alas life is not so kind. Still, you get a badge for your troubles, so things are looking up a bit. Ed.

    

SMALL PRINT Please stop putting reviews and previews in white ink on yellow backgrounds, it's ruining me eyes. Steven Smith Salisbury, Wilts. Okay we'll stick to white backgrounds from now on! Ed. [And you think she was joking... have you ever tried scanning white-on-white text?! - NickH] My brother is a bum-wipe. John Swindells Plymouth, Devon Oo-er! Ed. I wrote this letter in Geography, with Mr Bull. Chris Pieri Sheppey, Kent Mr Bull's obviously not very good at spelling either, then. Ed. Do reviews on them little lead model thingys, because I collect and paint them. Groovy Word Bender Snooland, Kent Have you ever thought about writing to Madam Pico? She might be able to help you. Ed. Don't you just love this fresh Highland air? Moses and God Lanarkshire, Scotland Aaaah! It makes me feel like sprinting through the heather with a sparran sellotaped to my forehead! Ed. What would happen to the world if YS didn't exist? Joao Leonor Quarterira, Portugal It would probably explode. Ed. Dear Teabag, Christmas was a drag. Mad Mitch Feltham, Middx It's your fault for wearing women's clothes. Ed. YS is much better since you added more of the swearing and even more fnar fnars. William Measor Leicester Fnurgle wurgle, *%@$!! Ed. How about a pair of boxer shorts with lots of little red YS logos on them? Keith Ellis Chelmsford, Essex How about a pair of Y-fronts with lots of little picture of Corrine Russell an the inside? Ed.

    

OOH, YOU POOR DEAR Your problems solved by Madam Pico      Dear Madam Pico,     I suffer from extremely bad sinus problems, and every time I kiss a girl she ends up covered in more phlegm than you could squeeze into a fridge-freezer. Consequently I haven't got a girlfriend. I'm the laughing stock of my teachers, friends, relatives and all of my immediate family I'm even contemplating suicide. What on earth can I do? Please answer this. John Nosebag Hume, Manchester Phlegm's a sticky problem I'm afraid, John (excuse the pun by the way), but I'm afraid it really is an unpleasant one as well Any girl worth her salt, or indeed any girl at all, won't relish the prospect of being coated in a film of cohesive olfactory excretions. I would suggest, short of going to see an ear/nose/throat specialist, that you invest in some kind of mask. Get your snot sorted out and the snogging will follow, as they say!      Dear Madam Pico,     I have this uncontrollable urge which causes me to be the butt of everyone's jokes. The problem is that I want to be a mime-artist. Nothing appeals to me more than pretending to be trapped inside a house with invisible walls.     Please advise me. Stewart 'Marcel' Shape Brixton, London My advice would be to go and see a psychiatrist. I've heard that hypnotherapy can be quite effective as well.      Dear Madam Pico,     I awoke recently after a party to discover that my 'friends' had covered my chest, arms and legs with incredibly naff tattoos. I've come to terms with the fact that I will have to live with them for the rest of my life, but next Tuesday I'm meant to be going swimming with Bernadette, a girl who I've been desperately trying to date for months - and I know she hates tattoos. Also I can't swim. I'm at my wits end. What can you suggest? Pedro 'anchors and roses' Williams, Fife, The answer to both your problems is a tightfitting body-stocking in your own particular skin-colour. Fill the torso area of tbe stocking with polystyrene chips, and voila - a buoyant tattoo coverall. You may look a trifle lumpy, but you can blame that on 'a horse riding accident' or something.

Doodlebugs

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