TOADY
Look, in YS 2 the name of the game is Cosmic Wartoad not Cosmic Wartones. Either get it right or sack Teresa Maughan. This is your last warning. Next time I'll send 'The Boys' round to rearrange your typewriter which'll be very painful and probably stain the carpet.
Snaggletooth II alias
Mark Chambers
Oldham, Lancs

You're right. This was a serious dereliction of duty on T'zers part. Come here Maughan. You're fired. Don't try and get round me with your pathetic excuses about not being able to read and write. And stop getting all excited about The Boys coming round. Out! That's better - there's nothing like giving someone the big E at the beginning of the Letters page! Ed

ED BANGER
Hmmm... not very clever. I'm just sitting here waiting for my mum to buy me the mega, incredible, humungus (creep, crawl) YS MegaBasic for my Christmas present and she says, "Who do I make the cheque out to?"
    Hmmm...I dunno, it doesn't say does it. Not very clever. Everybody else tells us. Kerrang (the greatest rock rag etc) says who. Iron Maiden Fan Club order forms tell us. But YS can't be bothered.
    Do you want us to buy MegaBasic or is this just a (not very) clever play to keep us from seeing it? Does MegaBasic exist or is it one of Ed's fantasies?
Tim Eveleigh
Addiscombe, Surrey.

Course it exists - my fantasies might be a bit basic but they're not MegaBasic. Well, only the one about the ... but this isn't the place to go into that one. But you're right - we've made a right old kerrang of ourselves this time. We thought that all YS readers would've sussed that they had to pay their cheques to Sportscene Specialist Press. But we didn't reckon with the Heavy Metal Effect - there's one brained every minute.
    Still, it is an honour to hear from the member of the Iron Maiden Fan Club. Perhaps it'll encourage the only member of the Slade Fan Club to write in - and I can put him in touch with a good psychiatrist.
    And what on earth does 'humungus' mean? Sounds like a nasty disease you catch off sick Bumpries. That'll teach you to wash your hair more often. Ed

SPECIAL AGENT
Dear "The Boss"
    God are you in trouble, man! As general secretary of the "Letchworth is a nice place" Society, I must ask you to retract what you said or we will take action. (Ref D Willmatt. YS ish 2.)
    Everyone knows that Letchworth is the real capital of England and not that riverside village London. I mean, we even had the first couple of roundabouts in the world!
Dick Barton
Letchworth
PS If the vendetta doesn't stop, you could have a nasty accident, comprendo?

I always knew that Letchworth must've contributed something to the sum of human happiness but little did I suspect it was roundabouts. Now I know why the place drives me round the bend - and then round again... Ed

CABINET RESHUFFLE
Here's some advice for restructuring the YS team.
    1) As the Ed is the funniest man in the country (though I don't live in Peru he should go into television. (Move over Wogan, here I come. Ed) My personal recommendation is the Test Card. (Grrrr... Ed)
    2) This would leave a blank at the top (though there always has been). I think it should be either Pete Shaw or Roland Rat. (Give me the Rat any day. Ed)
    3) Give the Art Editor a pay rise - his work is very good. (It's okay, I can put you in touch with a really good optician! Ed)
    4) Get Pete Shaw to have a facelift, (Pass the forklift truck. Ed). Iolo Davidson has obviously seen Pete in the flesh. Look at his photo!
Colin Read (86)
(insulter extraordinaire)
St Helens, Merseyside

And here's how I'm going to restructure your fizog! Ed

BUMPED OFF
I'm writing to complain. Well, not exactly complain but just to say something. In It's A Stick Up in YS 2 you printed a table showing which joystick came out on top in Chris Somerville's Second Opinion program from Your Spectrum 19. Huh, this'll really mislead new Spectrum owners into thinking that the Command Control joystick from Wico/CGL and the Formula II from Kempston are the best. Now they may be good but in my opinion the joystick that beats them all is the Formula 1, with Le Stick second and the Quickshot II third.
    But I think I know why the Formula 1 didn't get anywhere. It's because the testers probably held it like the Quickshot. Wrong! You only need to use an index finger and thumb and you'll get smashing results.
    And does Noel have a strong arm or is it controlled by a piece of string? Is all the power from his diverted to his nose when he sneezes? Has he got something against Quickshot IIs? Does his hand have hosepipes connected? All these accusations are suspiciously true - just take a look at some of his comments. "The length of the shaft tires your arm out too quickly" (Quickshot II). "The shaft's too spindly and I reckon it'll break if you sneeze on it" (Gunshot I). "Looks too much like a Quickshot II for my liking" (Gunshot I). And "The grip gets as sweaty as a Bumpry's armpit" (Gunshot I).
    What is a Bumpry?
Paul Chaney
Bletchley, Milton Keynes

What? How can you sit there - stand up while I'm writing an Ed's comment - and talk with authority about joysticks when you don't even know what a Bumpry is? I ask you readers, whose word would you trust - three highly trained joystick testers who all know what a Bumpry is or the 'opinion', and these things are all subjective, of someone from Milton Keynes? Not that I've got anything against Milton Keynes but you don't see many Bumpries around there, if you see what I mean. Ed If only all cities were like that! T.P.

HO, HO, HO
Hurdie YS!
    Hurdie hurdie YS 1 1986, hurdie hurdie Teresa Maughan, hurdie hurdie ho Jangeborg, "hurdie, hurdie ho" (hurdie!!!). Hurdie hurdie hurdie ho. Hurdie ho!
    Ho 22, Hurdie Facts, Carl Howes hurdie ho ho PRINT hurdie hurdie, ho printer. OPEN hash 2, "p" hurdie hurdie Spectrum, Interface 1 hurdie ho Interface 1!
    Hurdie Trainspotter ho, ho hurdie ho 115: hurdie Digi'T'ape hurdie, hurdie Your Spectrum, hurdie Your Sinclair!
    Ho, ho, ho (2 hurdie!)
Mats E Sjoblom
Hagersten, Sweden
PS Hurdie hurdie Alison Hjul hurdie? "Hjul" ho "wheel" ho Svenska!

Hurdie hurdie Mats Sjoblom hurdie? "Sjoblom" ho "naff all" ho English. Hurdie ho Svenska ho totally unpronouncable hurdie ho! Ed

GREAT MINDS...
I read with interest the letter from S G Wylie about the Hex keypad in YS 2. My company is about to release a Hex keypad in the latter part of February this year. We haven't yet fixed a price for the unit but if S G Wylie or anyone else for that matter would like to get in touch with me I'll quote a price then.
Kevin Coverdale
System 7 Electronics,
N Humberside

Bang goes my chance of making a fortune on that idea. Troubleshootin' Pete

WRATH OF KEITH
Many moons ago when the earth was still young (well, about six months ago anyway), I wrote to your estimable magazine asking for help with a game I was then attempting to play.
    The game was Wrath Of Magra and my request was published. I even received lots of advice from readers who'd kindly taken the trouble to write to me.
    But someone, somewhere (Your Sinclair's editor's hovel maybe) has rendered me speechless. My request for help has yet again been printed by the nameless nerd who scribes your Death's Door feature. Is this a play to swindle readers out of their 17p postage stamps or have you just dropped a brick?
    Please assure your readers that I am not a dumbo who needs constant assistance on the same game and please send me the head of the idiot who re-inserted the request (if head is not available I'll settle for a Porsche).
Keith R Hill
Bognor Regis, W Sussex

Owl Flippin' brick. My first reaction was to send you the head of said idiot but then I realised that it would've been a bit of a dead loss. Well, he's dead already! So, instead I'm posting you a Porsche, piece by piece - starting with the inside of the ashtray! Ed.

RAINSPOTTER AWARD
I hough I would wrie in and see if I could successfully have a leer published a my firs aemp - everybody else seems o have wrien a leas wice. Anyway, in issue 2 page 72 here was a missing capial '' a he sar of he review of Beach Head II. I hereby claim my rainspoer award.
    You will noice ha I neiher creep nor crawl, being of he belief ha a superior being such as yourself makes he decision abou he award no on he quaniy of praise deservedly heaped upon your magazine and yourself (Specially me. Ed) bu on he qualiy of he leer.
Graham Deaves
Dunsable, Beds

Dirty ol' man! I'm not having any leers in this magazine. Next thing you know, we'll be up there on the top shelf along with all those 'other' magazines By the way isn't it about time you got yourself a new typewriter? Your address has come out as Dunsable. You can't fool me - you must be one of the Unstable lot? Still, you are the first winner of our new Rainspoer Award. Let's just hope it isn't catching. Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD Hello, hello, hello. A policeman's lot is not a happy one. So to break the futility of all this crime fighting I happened to flick through the pages of YS 2. I had occasion to turn to page 34 whereupon I glanced at three mug shots under the title Hex's Heroes. I immediately recognised the icy looking character on the left as being none other than the slipperiest fridge thief ever to grace a garden. Snowy White, the con snowman of Westbury-on-Trym. The centre mug is not that of Per Holm the Swedish second cousin of Sherlock - that much is elementary. No, it is in fact the infamous Jeroen Molenach from the Nether regions.     The third photo is indeed Master Holm the half mad organist come hairdresser come and touch my Van der Graff generator. He who has been known to smile when having his photo taken however much it hurts. It is obviously something to do with his pole position or an exploding fist. There... I rest my case for being awarded a Trainspotter Award. Evening all! Ian Evenett Tottenham, London It's a fair cop, guv, I'll come quietly. But before you drag me kicking and screaming to the cells perhaps you'd like to take a look at this much coveted Trainspotter Award. Fetching a bit on the black market, these are! Let's not call it bribery, more a just reward. Ow, those handcuffs hurt... Ed Have you seen the new version of Elite? You know, the one with the score up the top, with the upside down letters.     What's this I hear? No, surely YS couldn't make a mistake, could they? Quick Sid, pass the letters we cut out of (Another magazine that's only really fit for a sesh with the scissors! Ed). That's right. T ... R... A ...          Award Purrrrlease (if it's not too much trouble).     If you still don't know what I mean take a look at The YS Megagame Challenge, page 4. Please put me out of my misery by sending me a beautiful Trainspotter Award. Rob Hoar Hemel Hempstead, Herts Q. What's Gollum's favourite pop group? The Stranglers! For a joke like that you deserve to be put out of your misery. Pass the silk cord, Pete, we have another neck for the noose. Things could've been so different if we'd had a beautiful Trainspotter Award but as it is we've only got these tatty ones... Ed

STAR LETTER LOCKING ON... On page 22 of the 'Elite Spacetraders' Flight Training Manual' under the heading, 'Docking Procedure' appears the statement "Docking with a Coriolis space station is never easy unless the ship is equipped with an automatic docking computer."     Having spent many an hour, bleary eyed, seated at a Cobra Mk III visual display console (cleverly disguised as a prehistoric black and white TV set), playing the above-mentioned game, I happened to fall upon a v. Useful bug. In the light of my discovery I feel that the following slight amendment should be made to page 22:     "Docking with a Coriolis space station is an absolute doddle (hands tied behind back, blindfolded, Speccy stuffed up left nostril etc ...) even without a docking computer."     Revised docking procedure:     1 ) Select the planet that you wish to visit, using the local chart.     2) Launch your Cobra Mk III but do not hyperspace.     3) Continue in a straight line away from the space station for several seconds, then slow down.     4) Turn through 180 degrees, until the entrance to the space station is in the centre of your sights.     5) Accelerate to full velocity.     6) A few moments before impact, press the hyperspace button.     You'll find yourself safely docked at your destination space station.     Of course, if you use this method of trading, you need never again encounter any enemy spacecraft. Yes, that means no more fumbling madly for the 'ship identification chart' and no more watching helplessly as your energy banks drain (not unlike the Editor's witticisms) into the endless vacuum of space. Severian (President of 'Legalise Lenslok') Aberystwyth, Dyfed It looks as though Elite may have as many bugs as a Bumpry's bicep but at least you managed to load the game - even if you did have to stuff your Speccy up your left nostril. Perhaps that's where the next couple of readers are going wrong . . .

I'm writing to complain about the Lenslok that came with Elite. Apart from stopping me enjoying the game, I find it almost impossible to get the OK characters in the first place.
    Also, the loading causes a problem. This morning I had to reload Elite seven times due to the tape and the Lenslok. I received Elite for Christmas and I've only managed to play it around three times.
    Please, could you tell me if any other readers have written in to complain. When I have played the game it seems very good. What a way to ruin a decent game, Firebird!
Andrew Challis
Colchester, Essex

You are not alone ...

I'm writing about the Lenslok security device on Elite. I got a copy of the game as a Christmas present but so far I've been unable to get past the security screens. This is very annoying and frustrating, especially after having read all the rave reviews of the game. Surely, such a system is self- defeating. The dedicated hacker may see it as a challenge to break into the game and get round the protection system but the average games player will be put off from buying the game after reading about all the troubles other users are having.
    I hope Firebird will come to the conclusion that the system is impractical in its present form and unless improvements can be made to make the system easier to use, it won't employ it again.
M Briody
Milton Keynes, Bucks

Well, does anybody like Lenslok? We all know why it's there and we all know it's a pain but if anyone, even an anyone from Firebird, wants to say something nice about the system, drop us a line. After all, getting your letters into YS is much easier than having them accepted by Lenslok. Oops, did I say that! Ed

OAP
Can you spare some space (Oh, I think there's a bit in the Crab Nebula you can have. Ed) for a 33 year old pensioner - amongst your teenage readership I think I must be!
    Firstly, let me say that I've been an avid member of your readership since the early days when fingers trembled over rubber keyboards. (Careful, this is a family magazine! Ed). But there are a couple of points I'd like to make:
    1) When a listing includes graphics, life would be made a lot easier if:
    a. They were printed clearly and/or
    b. You gave a clear indication as to which graphics keys represented the graphics used.
    2) Where a number of spaces are to be 'printed' in the program, a REM statement indicating the number of spaces required would save the laborious and often incorrect calculations.
    Actually, I've been feeling rather pleased with myself lately, having spotted a couple of (I presume) deliberate mistakes. The most frustrating of them was the half a page of code relating the Hot Shot program in YS 2. Why did it appear tagged on the end of the Alien program. Maybe I'm in line for a Trainspotter Award?
    Finally, is it really necessary to lower the tone of an otherwise excellent magazine with a double page spread of blood and gore and a character throwing up on the cover?
Doug Harvey
Northampton

Thirty-three? Soon be forty. But I don't want to give you a complex about your age. I'll make this answer quick just in case you don't last out to the end of the paragraph.
    Your first points have been noted - we'll do our best with the printing and the rest is up to the programmers. And yes, we did make a bit of a Bumpry's birthday party of Program Power in issue 2 but once you've got a hex loader and worked out where each program ends, you should have no problems. Hahem.
    As for the blood'n'gore in the mag, well Vyvyan made his critical comment on the cover. But both items have caused quite a stir - read on... Ed

Not being a computer fanatic whatsoever but appreciating good artwork when I see it, I must congratulate Nick Davies for his illustrations of The Young Ones on the front of a copy of your magazine.
    Besides capturing the unique features of each Young One brilliantly, the sick was drawn quite good (sic. Ed) too! Keep up the good work matey and if you ever have any spare time, please draw me a Rick. Ta! (I'm being serious y'know).
Andrik Mayall (Hmmmm.
Ed)
Durham

Serious? You don't know what serious is till you've read the next letter. Ed

I am writing to complain in the strongest possible terms about the Friday the 13th poster in the centre of the February edition of YS.
    As a regular subscriber to your otherwise informative and interesting magazine, I've found nothing in any of the previous issues of Your Sinclair or Your Spectrum which extends so far beyond the boundaries of good taste.
    Living as we do in an increasingly violent society I find it quite incomprehensible that you should choose to portray so graphically this sort of software in your magazine which I imagine has a large readership of children and adolescents.
    Ironically, this 'poster' backs onto one of your excellent reviews of a graphics utility, Art Studio. I do wish you would devote more space to reviews of this calibre and less to gratuitous violence.
    I can only hope that sufficient numbers of your readers will feel as I do and write expressing their opinions; if we are to be faced with any more of this kind of thing I for one will no longer be subscribing to your magazine.
Richard Smith
Southampton, Hants

Phew, someone's after my blood - let me rephrase that - someone's gunning for... oh well, you know what I mean. If your daggers are drawn over this, write in. Richard's got very strong views but what's yours? Ed. Mine's a bloody mary thanks! Troubleshootin' Pete.

WALL SCRAWL
Could you please send me a sheet autographed by all my heroes and heroines (creepy, crawly) so that I can pin it on my wall and know that you write the best (ker-eeeep) mag going for the Speccy.
Jim Crossland
Dalkeith, Midlothian

To satisfy the thousands of you who were just about to write in with the very same request - weren't you? - here is your very own cut out and keep autograph kit. Just snip round the dotted line and stick on your wall, into your autograph books, at the bit in your wills where it says 'and I leave all my worldly goods to...' A thousand and one uses. Ed

FREE FOR ALL
This concerns all readers who cherish YS. I have a very touching story to tell - so touching it hurts me to talk of it but here it is.
    I casually strolled into my local newsagent, as I always do, and suddenly, yes so suddenly it took me by surprise, I saw two copies of Your Sinclair ish 2 perched unhappily on the shelf next to some lousy Commie mags. In an instant I rushed over to the glowing mags and grabbed one, fumbled for my money and bought it.
    On the way home I thought how sad the other YS must have been feeling, so as much as I wanted to keep my spare 95p, I rushed back to the shop (hope you're crying by now), grabbed the sad-faced YS and shoved it under my jacket. Unfortunately, I had to take it out again and pay!
    Anyway, the story ends happily after all, as I have two merry YS issue 2s.
Stuart Free (ace face)
PS Both YS mags wish you well!

Sob, sob, sniffle, sniffle. Your story has touched my once stony (sob) heart. I realise now I've been cruel - a right sob. So, to make amends I'll perform an act of great kindness. We can't really let T'zer get left on the shelf. No, I'm not going to marry her but I will give her back her job. What charity you say - well, you don't expect me to pay her as well? The least you can do is promise that you'll buy at least two copies of YS each month. I've turned over a new leaf - and so must you... Ed
    

SMALL PRINT Can someone buy the Ed a new typewriter without brackets on, pur-lease! Laurence Banyard Wivelsfield Green, Sussex (You'll never take my brackets away from me! Ed))))))))))))))))))))))))) I think I should get an award anyway to make up for where I live. Kevin Phillips Pratts Bottom What, a sort of Pratt of the Month award, eh? It's yours! Ed I am writing this letter knowing it will not be printed. Nik Taylor Hull Seems a bit of a waste of time to me. Ed

Doodlebugs