WAZZ, BOOZE AND BUDS
I have a tip for all +2 owners about saving data and stuff. Firstly nip down to your chemist and say, "Stout yeoman, I would like to buy a bottle of polypropyl alcohol and some cotton buds". With these you can clean the tape heads. When you save, save on a totally clean cassette - don't record over something, cos it probably won't work (it never does on mine anyway).
    Secondly, whatever happened to Dunc in December? Also you said that wazz is short for wazzock, but once you gave a way a poster which you said would "wazz up your wall". Why?
Chris Delahunty
Thefiord, Norfolk

You want to be careful, where I come from you can get arrested for buying polypropyl alcohol - in fact, come to think of it they're pretty heavy about cotton buds as well. What do you mean, what happened to Dunc in December? The same sort of things that happened to him in October and November, I presume, although I try not to pry. And finally, while wazz is short for wazzock, it's also short for wazzy (wazzy - groovy, cool, funky) Okay? Ed.

ON THE AIR
Have you ever thought of publishing Your Sinclair in quality stereo FM? I'm sure it would sound much better - no crackles or hiss. This would make people change from inferior MW 'mono' mags to YS. Oh, and whoever decided to merge Frontlines and Streetlife into a mega four page section called PSSSSSST deserves to be heartily congratulated! Better still, give this mega person a mega pay rise, as the idea is great.
Robert Wilkins
Carmarthen, Dyfed
PS. In case you didn't quite get the message, I quite like the new section called PSSSSSST...

Look out for next month's YS - it's in Cinemascope with octophonic Dolby sound. Ed.

FRAMED
I don't think your hairstyle looks like a cauliflower at all (fawn fawn) but I do think that you're very nice indeed. So, how's about a signed photo just for the space behind my bed? I would gilt-frame it and it would be the most prized possession ever to grace the walls of my humble abode. No offence meant, but you must be getting pretty desperate to actually print a picture of David Frost of all people.
    That said, your magazine is superior to all the others on the market. So superior in fact that all my copies are kept in a huge vault, guarded by my pet body-building carnivorous frog 'Zippo'. I would be most grateful if you would print this as I've never had a letter printed before (1,2,3, aaaaahhhhh). Oh, how about some POKEs on the free tape?
Ronny Meikle
Galston, Ayrshire

Say hello to Zippo for me. Ed.

TOILET FEVER
Sorry about this, but things are getting pretty desperate round here - I've completely run out of writing paper, and this bit of bog-roll was all I could find.
    Ahem.
    Now to get to the point. After millions of letters (and pounds spent on stamps) I still haven't had a letter printed. Is it because you're still working at how you can double the size of YS so you can squeeze all my stuff in?
    Whatever the answer, please reply to this one, even if it's a friendly note telling me to 'bog' off - I really won't mind. At least I won't be wasting vital pieces of loo-paper each day
Rich P.
Westbury-on-Trym, Bristol
PS Don't even think about where I'm sitting while writing this.

What cheap and nasty bog-roll you use. Ed.

SPOOK!
I received a letter from Castle Rathbone. Oh goody, I thought, my spanky new YS badge has arrived. Imagine my surprise when I opened the letter to find nothing at all.
Andrew McLean
Leighton Buzzard, Beds

Nothing? Nothing? You realise you allowed your gift to escape, don't you. We kindly send you eight cubic centimetres of treasured oxygen from the YS office and what do you do? You waft it into the atmosphere. There's gratitude for you. Ed.

TO THE POINT
Being a fairly newcomer to the world of Spectrums and your magazine, I'm not sure whether you answer technical hardware queries or not, but in the hope that you do, here's my question.
    At present I'm the proud owner of a Spectrum +3. Is it possible to load programs from an external cassette recorder? If that is so, is it possible to go a step further and transfer these cassette programs onto floppy disk?
J. F. Tarry
Stevenage, Herts

Just this once, well done, yes and yes. Ed.

FINISHED...
After three goes at Joe Blade II I had completed the game. To prove it, here's what the end screen looks like:
    'Congratulations! You have performed very admirably in completing your clean-up of the city'.
    Do I get anything?
Robert Burbridge
Leicester

No. Ed.

STAR LETTER WRONG END OF THE PLANET I am writing this letter as your average Kiwi bloke.     Unfortunately this poor average Kiwi bloke has a sad story to tell.     Over here it is just not possible to buy games for the Spectrum. I don't know of any shop which sells Spectrum software around here, so the only alternative is to send away overseas for games (which take three months to come back), or hire them from somewhere - but that costs heaps - and you don't get to keep them. And do you know how much it would cost to buy a game from the hire-company? I'll tell you. Eighty dollars. Eighty flippin' dollars for one game that would cost you pommies £7.95. Is this fair? (It seems quite fair. Ed). 'Course it's not fair, that's why I'm writing to you.     There's a suggestion I would like to make concerning your supermega splendiferous mag: how about having special competitions for overseas readers, because by the time the mag gets over here the closing dates have been and gone? Richard Scaglione Hawkes Bay, New Zealand How about getting a subscription, then? Oh, and you should be glad about the price of software out there, cos it means your Star Letter prize is worth 240 dollars!! Ed.

TRANSFORMATION
In response to G. Derham's letter (ish 35) about his Speccy 'turning into a C64', I thought I would write in and tell you about the day my Speccy turned into ... a swimming pool! I was loading my copy of Humpty Dumpty Meets The Fuzzy Wuzzies, and half way thorough I wondered what would happen if I pressed every key except 'F', '1' and SPACE and then did an inverted quadruple somersault with full twisting pique, landing with my hands on SYMBOL SHIFT and '3'. Well, the top flipped up and slowly an olympic sized (50m) pool came out complete with swimmers and an inflatable monster to play on. A message then appeared on the screen (now seven feet below the surface of the water), reading '... and you thought G. Derham's was impressive!'
    I pressed a key and the pool slid back into the computer and the game continued loading.
    Weird, eh??
G. Currie
Failsworth, Manchester

Yes, I have to admit it, that's the weirdest one yet. Still, who knows what other Speccy owners have come across. Ed.

SLIPPY IN THE HEAD
Hello Teacake, this is Jester Red Leader, I'm steering one-three-zero and am making angels eight. My props have just fallen off and I'm going to pancake. I would like to take this opportunity, before I crash and die, to say that there's nothing like a good flight sim along the lines of Gunship or Project Stealth Fighter. You can stuff all your mindless shoot'em-ups up Rambo's rear passage.
Flight Lieutenant Fanny
Oldblighty DFC RIP
Somewhere over Dover
and nearing the ground
fast.
PS I'm really Chris the absurd from Bristol.

Yes yes, of course you are. Um, nurse, get over here quickly Ed.

SURELY SHOME MISHTAKE
Could you please send me details on how to buy Saboteur (on page 94 of the October 1988 edition). It said it was £'1.99, so have you got any in stock? - I will buy a copy if I get a reply.
Michael Gallagher
Co Silgo, Ireland

There are several ways of buying a copy of Saboteur, but I, for one, would suggest the 'shop' method. This entails entering a computer shop (not a butcher's) and asking at the counter for the game. Should a copy be in stock, you will be asked to hand over some money which will be deposited in the 'till': you will then be handed a receipt, any 'change' due and finally a copy of Saboteur itself.
    Congratulations - you have now learnt how to 'shop' Ed.

CHUFF CHUFF CHUFF
Yaaaarrrggghhh, I've been framed. While looking through my top shelf books I suddenly noticed this extremely offensive piece of material nestling between Playboy and Mayfair. In an attempt to escape prosecution under the 1924 act of outlaw trainspotting I hereby donate this book to whoever gave me a YS sticker at the PC show. It may also give you information on the most prosperous stations for trainspotting. I hope whoever planted this book on me will soon be brought to justice.
Vasco Wackrill
Sunbury, Midds

It's quite hard to find out exactly who is the new owner of your lovely book, seeing as everyone here is denying that they ever gave out stickers at the PC show. I might just have to send it back to you Ed.

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD MILES FROM THE TRUTH Was Miles drunk when he said about the Suncom Tac 2 Joystick that it was not as good as the 'Suncom Tac 2' (!!!) I think you know what l mean (p43, ish 35).     Or was it your drunk typist?     Shoot 'em both eh? David Wilson A.A. Representative That's a bit severe, isn't it. I thought a good enough punishment would be to sellatape them to Rolf Harris for a day Ed. THEY'RE WORTH IT In the December issue of Your Sinclair, on the subscriptions page, it says that the cover mounted games are worth £1,000,000,000. I think that you may have made a small error, as everyone knows that the games are actually worth at least £5,000,000,000!     However, I'll forgive you for this small mistake, on condition that you send me a coveted Transpotter Award. Robert Wilkins Carmarthen, Dyffed You're right - The £1000,000,000 in question should have been referring to the value of a Trainspotter - and as I noticed a distinct absence of cash in your envelope, you can't have one. Ed. QUITE A LIST You've really messed up this time, haven't you. Just look at this catalogue of mistakes, all taken from YS December '88.     1) P6. You spelt Schwarzenegger without the 'C'. I'm sure Arnold won't like that.     2) P20. In your rather scathing reply to Oscar Macia's letter, you say your Portuguese is ill. Maybe it is, but Argentinians speak Spanish(!)     3) P22. You say you have run a list of POKEs for 'every single game ever released'. How about Skate Crazy? BMX Simulator? I could continue the list but I won't.     4) P77. Mike Gerard reviews The Beast. He concludes that it is 'a thoroughly good adventure', but it got only 6. On page 80 he reviews One Dark Night, says there are better and cheaper games around and gives the impression of not being wildly enthusiastic. It got 8. Perhaps a case of putting the marks in the wrong places?     5) P85 You mention a section of RobocopM is rather like Green Bert. Do you possibly mean Green Beret? P.W. Foster London SW14 Haven't you been a busy little bee. Okay, you can have a Trainspotter. Happy now? Ed.

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE Well we got a brace of terminally awful jokes this month, but the crappest of the crap has to be the one from Rob Wilkins of Dyffed, and it's as follows:          Q: What's pink, and hard in the morning?     A: The Financial Times crossword.          Groan.     Send your crap jokes to Kindly Leave The Stage. Oh, and here's the regular crap joke from us:          Q: How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?     A: Put it in a microwave and wait until its Bill Withers.

WHAT DARLINGS
Guess the Company:
    RICHARD: Yes! Our new game, the follow up to the fabulous absolutely brilliant 17 billion best seller is new and improved!!
    DAVID: And it's absolutely fantastic! Even my son who isn't born yet thinks so!!!
    FOETUS TO BE: Dad's right! Rush out and buy it!!
    RICHARD: It's an absolute must! Fantastically amazing, brilliantly, superbly great - with graphics that are out of this world!!!
    DAVID: Brillo, fabbo, super, great ... oh dear Richard, I've run out of superlatives!!
    RICHARD: Don't worry, I've got an endless supply! Magnifico! Extra! Wicked! Far out! Amazing!!
    DAVID: All yours for only 24p - and you get a free poster, badge, sticker and an apartment in Monaco!!!
    RICHARD AND DAVID'S AUNTY JOSEPHINE: My nephews were whizz-kids at school!!!
    DAVID: Richard, what's that amazingly brilliantly complex 74 channel acid-house music in the background??
    RICHARD: It's the title tune!!!
    DAVID: It's taken 162 years research, but now it's finally here...
    ALL: Space Invaders!!!
John Hunt
Irvine, Ayrshire

Surely you mean the Space Invaders Simulator. And what about the digitised 'Speech'. Ed.

DESPERATE
Please please please, you have got to print this. I have been trying to get The Biz (from Virgin) for nearly one and a half years. I haven't been lucky enough to get into Input Output, and in my desperation even paid to have an ad printed in your two crap 'rivals', S******* U*** and C**** (I'm sorry, but in case you haven't got the message, I'm desperate). Since I have read your mag (and haven't missed an issue) since issue 8 of Your Spectrum, you have got to print this - if you have any decency (which I know you have, you lovely creature you). I will swap anything for this game - I will even pay the postage.
Alan Saunders
Mauchline, Ayreshire

Alright, alright, stop grovelling, I can't bear it anymore. Ed.
    

SMALL PRINT I didn't do this on a Spectrum. I did it on a master. Alan Hardacre Bridlington, E. Yorks Crikey. What kind of school do you go to? Ed. Rub in peach melba twice a day. If symptoms persist consult your doctor immediately if not sooner. Chris The Absurd Bristol Oo-er. Ed. Did you know that the brain is 80% water? Rich P. Westbury-on Trym, Bristol Unless you happen to be Duncan, in which case its 100% vacuum. Ed. What the hell have you got against Portuguese names? Agosfinho Manuel Silva Santos Labruge, Portugal To be quite honest I thought I was getting used to them - until I saw yours. Ed. What are the odds of getting a letter printed? Russell Hart Bolton, Lancs About the same as getting a bit of one printed. Ed. You can write a load of old rubbish to receive a Star Letter - give or take a few tea leaves. The Phantom Pen Writer Folkestone, Kent Or you can write a small amount of rubbish to get in Small Print. Ed. Please please please don't do to this letter as you did to my other one, ie only printing the PS (in bloomin' Small Print). Robert Church Craigawon, N. Ireland No PS's to be seen. Happy? Ed. I know something that you don't know. Thomas Vanner Co. Antrim, N. Ireland So what. I know eight things you don't know. Ed. Notice I asked for no games and slurped at no-one. Robert Hutchinson Goole, N. Humberside Notice you get no games Ed.

    

OOOH, YOU POOR DEAR Your problems solved, by Madam Pico      Dear Madam Pico     I recently bought a second hand Flymo, but was silly enough not to ask for the instruction booklet. Basic electrical and mechanical maintenance isn't a problem, but I'm tearing my hair out over the number of 'spacers' I need to fit when cutting damp or wet grass. With one spacer attached the blades don't seem to touch the grass at all, and I find the lawn is the same length after a 'mow' as it was before. However, with two spacers attached I find that the blades have a habit of 'grounding' and churning up the garden. I'm at my wits end - what can I do? Concerned, Hull Yes, you do seem to be 'between the Devil and the dark blue sea', don't you. My advice would be to only mow the lawn in favourable (i.e. Dry) conditions. One spacer should be sufficient in this case, but I find two spacers do give that professional finish we all hanker after. Maybe the only way to solve the problem completely would be to hire a professional gardener witb his own lawnmower..

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Every month we invite readers of a cosmopolitan (and hatstand) nature to write to us from their oart of the world. We've got a couple from Europe this time - one from Belgium and one from 'the land of the clog'. WEIRD ALIENS Finally I write a letter. Aren't you proud to own a letter of me? I was thinking what I should writing but I can't manage it. So I just say when I get the YS from my brother it is already half eating up, but anyway I still read it and read and read and read and read it and I must say - it is fantastic!!     I like the joke and funny explaining of the games. Maybe I will even use it as wallpaper. Need new one soon. So I can read it in bed and so on. Maybe I make a special place and when you visit I can show you the special best fantastic YS room.     Maybe a little place for a trainspotter award. Oechtsch!!! !!!HHH!!! An alien is in my room. He/it/she or whatever is eating all my YS. Help me! My room is full of the weirdest aliens.     Maybe a trainspotter award will kill them. Just need one so I can try. I close now because it's hard with all those aliens on my back. Please send some help on the TPA - from a Belgian girl who's terrorised by aliens (or is it my brother)? Bye bye. Marleen Maes Mecheler, Belgium Oechtsch!!! !!!HHH!!! indeed. I don't think you've quite got the hang of what trainspotters are for, but we wouldn't want you to be devoured by Aliens, would we, so you can have one. Ed. DOUBLE DUTCH Hello you funky human!     I am so happy about the new Sinclair. It is great. But here are a few questions.     1) Does Odin still exist?     2) How many Sinclair computers are there?     Many kisses to the Vixen girl, she has lovely hair, I love her.     Byeeeeee! A. Adema Haarlem, Holland PS How many bades do I deserve? 1) Yes, and his son Thor works for us.     2) Hundreds of thousands at the very least     PS You deserve loads of bades, but I'm only going to send you one. Ed.

Doodlebugs

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