WICKED PROSE
I've written a poem about you lot at YS:
    There is a mag called Your Sinclair,
    That makes the old go even wrinklier.
    The reviews are so hip and cool,
    And the covers always make me drool.
    And now it's a grand farewell I bid,
    To buy another YS cos it's only a quid.
Peter McCallum
Craigshill, Scotland
PS Please don't print this letter cos it's crap!

'Sinclair' rhymed with 'wrinklier?' Are you quite sure about that? Anyway now for a limerick.
    There was a young man called McCallum,
    Who had an affair with a salmon,
    Until one day it died,
    So he had it deep fried,
    And sold it with chips out in Balham. Ed PS Yes, it is a bit, isn't.

SCREW YOU!
I've read something in YS about correcting my cassette deck with an azimuth alignment program and a screwdriver. However, I don't know what the program is so I would be very grateful if you told me.
Andrew Lathbury
Totton, Southampton

It's an azimuth alignment program that you use with a screwdriver for correcting your tape deck! Ed

WAKEY WAKEY!
First of all Ed (you gorgeous hunkette), what the <&*$%> is a NEANDERTHAL (see mega preview of Barbarian II). And another thing, when on earth will Boots and Smiths start stocking Psycho Pigs UXB? This game looks cool, and I would gladly part with my hard earned dosh.
    Oh, and another thing - I predict you will snuff it soon if you don't stop sucking that bleedin' pen you always have in your gob in the picture on the Letters page. In fact, if you don't change the picture I may even be forced to start buying other magazines. Now you wouldn't want that, would you?
Carl Wake
Dewsbury Moor,
Deswbury.

A neanderthal describes you! You#re right - Psycho Pig UXB is really sausagey but Boots and Smiths squealed at the thought of selling it as they reckon it's offensive. And in answer to your final question - what would you prefer me to suck? On second thoughts don't answer that! Ed

STAR LETTER SHOCK, HORROR PROBE Agggggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! Why!!!!!!???? Why!!!!????? You've gone and done it again! In the second letter about my private life (soon available on CD) you went and invited some of my 'friends' to write in about their interpretation of my 'goings on' (Oooo-er!!!). Well, in true fashion, Simon Westaway alias Lorenzio the unlucky woodchuck obliged and told all!     I'm sure none of the other readers want to know, so stop printing my life story! Oh, and another thing! Why on earth (or on any other planet for that matter) did you give him the Star Letter? How unfair! If anybody should get anything out of this it should be me!! You don't know the meaning of depression until the whole of your school is laughing at you! Rob Moorman, Plymouth, Devon Well, why not? It's so much fun. And I'm sure all our readers want to hear the dirt being dished on your private goings on, but I promise I won't ever mention hedgehogs, Lisa or Siobhan again, well probably not. I am sorry to hear you're depressed though (I hope it's not because of Siobhan) so to cheer you up I'm sending you three new games for being the Star Letter winner. I knew you'd sell your life-story in the end! Ed

ONCE UPON A TIME...
The story so far...
    The Ed has discovered that she is being made redundant and that Pete Shaw is going to be the new editor. Drastically she summons up all her old cronies to assist her (Dame Edna to name but a few).
    'First thing to be done is to do Pete in.' Says Ed, 'arsenic will do nicely.'
    (Cronies all exit).
    Enter David McCandless.
    'Oh, I see, you're back to gloat are you?' screams Ed.
    'No,' replies David, 'I've come to help you. What you need, is a bit of advice. You've got to bump Pete Shaw off.'
    'I've already seen to that' says Ed.
    (Cronies return with bottle and captured teas-made).
    'You'll never get away with this.' wails the teas-made.
    'Course I will. Pete Shaw will never suspect anything. The tea will be laced with a deadly poison! Cronies - fill her up'.
    (Too late -- teas-made escapes).
    Oh dear. Has Ed been rumbled? Will Pete snuff it? Will the price of tea go up after this?
    The answer to all this will be revealed (and more).
The Phantom Pen Writer

Peter will turn into a teapot. The Ed will get loadsa money. We'll all start doing the jiggle, dip, dunk and you'll start receiving much acclaim for being the best international playright since sliced Alan Bennett. Ed

HARD EDAM
When I was reading Your Sinclair (Dec 87), I saw Star Tip number 7. I thought "Ha, now I can use my own sprites and let them jump up and down on my screen".
    I started typing, but when I got to line 65368, the program crashed.
    I was very angry and hit my computer hard. Now my fist is broken and so is my computer. Why did the program crash while I was typing it in?? Please explain.
Martyn de Jonge
Hillegom, Holland
PS You owe me a new Speccy, I'd prefer a +3.

The first casualty of hitting computers is the fist. The second is the computer. It's one of those unwritten laws that everybody knows about - (or discovers for themselves like you did). I don't know what made the computer crash (although it was probably a typing-input error), and no, you can't have a +3, but I will send you a shiny YS badge for you to pin on your bandage. Ed

BLIMMIN' DREDDFUL
It's me! Robot Dredd! The 5099 million year old Class SDXII Battledraid. You might have met my cousin R2-Detour. I have a few comments about your reviews and reviewers. Print this or I'll send my Intergalactic Hatstand Yibble-Yibble Paratroopers to annila, to anniliat, er, to destroy Castle Rathbone!
    1) Your review of Swordslayer was unfair. It deserved at least eight. (The game, not the review, you gormless dorks!)
    2) Only trust Macca's (sounds like a game of football crossed with a raincoat, dunnit? - Mac, soccer - oh forget it (We have. Ed)) reviews.
    3) Oh, trust Duncan's as well.
    4) Put colour into the budget section.
    T.T.T.F.N. (Ta ta then for now)
Robot Dredd XXIX
Maidstone, Kent
PS Can I say hello to... (No! Ed)
PPS Mike Gerrard, ta for the tape.
PPPS Ya haven't heard the last of me! Slundig Vur Thrigg!

1) You can't please all of the people all the time!
    2) Keep dirty raincoats out of this.
    3) I wouldn't trust Duncan as far as I could throw him!
    4) Certainly not!
    And that's all I'm at liberty to say. Ed

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Every month we invite readers from other parts of the planet to write in and have the wee-wee taken. MISTAKEN IDENTITY Good morning. Please send me free brochure. Goodbye. Thank you. J Culling aOsice, Poland I beg your pardon! YS - a brochure! I think you should've written to another magazine with the word Sinclair in the title! Ed RATHINGS Rathings!     My YS Rathings:     Doodlebugs - 9, Letters - 8, Trainspotter - 7, Small Print - 10, Leave The Stage - 10, Previews - 9, Posters - 10, Covertapes - 8, Tipshop - 9, Dr Berkmann - 9, Pitstop - 7, Startip - 8, Input/Output - 9, The Mag - 10.     Overall - 99999. (So Your Sinclair is the greatest). A. Adema Haarlem, Holland Well, thanks very much old bean. Though I do think you were a little stingy with the marks. Ed KUALAR LUMPUR Just thought I'd drop you a line and inform you that your magazine has got fans on the other side of the planet too. I've heard that YS is even hailed in Greenland and all the way south to the Antarctic. Scarey isn't it, to think that people buy YS even though they don't have a Spectrum. What's the world turning into?     Keep up the good work, and you'll be doing the world a great service if you post me a badge. Amran Hassan Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia PS What's the baud rate of a Brother M- 1009 printer? Fans in Greenland eh? I knew we had some on Uranus but not in the arctic circle. We'll always do our bit for the world (eat your heart out Superman) so here comes your badge. Ed PS I've absolutely no idea. OSCAR'S WILD Hello Teresa. My name is Oscar. I'm a 19 year old student and Speccy owner. Also I've a Timex Sinclair 2068 (the American Speccy). Congratulations for your fantastic magazine (the best for Speccy). Oscar Eugenio Macia Capital, Argentina PD I'm sorry if you don't understand, my English isn't very well because I just study it since three months ago in I.C.A.N.A. (Instituto Cultural Argentina Notre Americana). Hello Oscar! Sorry to hear your English is a little unwell. But it's not half as ill as my Portuguese! Ed

WHY OH WHY?
Many a day has passed when I have wondered why I actually purchased my Spectrum +3. Was it because I wanted to play games and word-process or was it because I wanted to mess around with silly retailers saying that the thing just doesn't work (which has been the case)? I thought hard and came up with the idea that you helpful lot over at YS might help.
    So (I am now going to plead).
    Please please please would you print a few lines on the good points and the bad points of the +3?
Oliver Wedgewood
Chertsey, Surrey

Good Points: You can load games quickly.
    Bad Points: We haven't got enough room here. Ed

CHILBLAINS
A number of points have come to my attention over the past few months.
    1) In the September ish you asked why Clive Sinclair called the C5 the C5. It is in fact a competition. If you see five of them you win a brand new one. Not many people have accomplished this and even fewer have claimed their prize. I'm still after my first sighting.
    2) How come I never have any of the games that have POKEs printed for them?
    3) YS badges are very similar to buses in two different ways: (a) they are red, and (b) I waited about four months for one, about three months for another and then they both arrived at the same time.
    4) If you had big ears (as illustrated) you would look like Bugs Bunny.

    5) Your competitions are too easy.
    6) When (eventually) you go up in price, will you put 'not a pound anymore' on the cover?
    That should keep you thinking for a few years.
Karl Bunyan
Langworth, Lincoln
PS Isn't my handwriting scruffy!

1) Look m your mum's sewing-box.
    2) Seeing as we've just run the most comprehensive list of POKEs for every single game that's ever been released, I can only assume that you haven't actually got any games.
    3) They're also a bit like helicopters. (Work that out if you can).
    4) So would you.
    5) And you're complaining? Maybe one day we'll run one that's just soooooo hard...
    6) By the time YS goes up in price, all the other mags will read 'still under a tenner.' Ed

OY YOU JIMMY
Just a small note to ask why everyone who writes to the mag is so rude and discourteous in declaring the games they want you to send them. Most people write a list and demand they get it. I would never give anything to someone who didn't ask nicely.
James Egerton
Stockton, Cleveland
PS Mine's any decent RPG for the +3.

I agree with you - not enough people these days know what good manners are. Still, having said that we only give games to the Star Letter winner and to win that you've got to be witty, clever and informative. Sorry but you're not! Try again!! Ed

BEAR-LY CREDIBLE
It has recently been brought to my tenshun that YS is the best mag in the world and that all the others are totally rubbish (nah't I mean), especially, erm, that one with the teddy bear. I think it's even coined one of your 'phrases' - you know the one - 'No. 1 for Spectrum games!!' I mean, they could have changed it a bit to perhaps 'the best for Spectrum games', but fancy using the exact same words, just fancy!!
    Now, about L. Geary's point - the one about the screen full of trash. I don't know why, but the trash is different according to what the computer is told to print. Try replacing line 10 with:
    10 PRINT 'B'
    While fiddling with my +3 one day l also noticed a rather interesting thingy' when you see the SCROLL! message at any time, try pressing TRUE VIDEO or INV VIDEO and you will see that the screen scrolls twice and the scroll message appears in the wrong place!! Cor, mega wow.
    Anyway, make sure you keep on putting those jolly spiffing 50p games on the cover and the mag will remain just as wicked as it is now!
Nell Kingham
South Woodford, London

Well, they do say that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery and we can't all have original flashes of inspiration all the time. As to your other points - what a load of garbage! Ed

T'ZER TEASER
Ha, I've finally worked out what T'zer means - it means 'it's her' Here's how I worked it out...
    IT'S HER
    TIZ HER
    TIZ'ER
    T'ZER... brilliant!
    For being skillo, please send me a 128K +2 because my rubbery buddies keep failing.
Adrian Hiley
Sheffield, Yorks

Okay, clever-clogs, try changing banana into skewer in four goes. Oh, and the reason your keys are a bit scruffy is because of a faulty 'mat' under the keyboard (the transparent one with wires in it). It simply needs replacing, and is very cheap to buy. That means you don't need a +2 at all, so we won't send you one. Aren't you lucky? Ed
    

SMALL PRINT Ha ha ha. Hello kiddies, I'm Father Christmas and I'm keeping all your prezzies, so bog off you irritating little phronks. Ho ho ho. Leigh Loveday Port Talbot, W. Glamorgan Ho ho ho. I asked for a 14 mego-ton nuclear time-bomb packed with unstable isotopes this year. Ho ho ho. Ed I want a badge!!! Mutuulem Marclues Usbon, Portugal Is T'zer a cannibal? Dunham Up Cascais, Portugal Not at all. It's a vicious slur. (Now where's that patella gone). Ed If you give the star prize to Bonnie Longford, I'll scweam and I'll scweam and I'll scweam and I'll scweam! M. Davies, Heywood, Lancs You realise you've blown it, don't you - this months star prize was a one way ticket to Bolivia. Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD COFFIN MISTAKE I feel you have made a grave error on your part and so I duly claim my award as a Trainspotter. On page 106 of the September ish of your mag the statement was issued that 'We'll be back to normal next month.' I would like to point out that one cannot return to normal if one has never been normal in the first instance.     Still, how can one be normal and still produce such a top 'ole magazine? Jo Leader Royal Tunbridge Wells, Kent Don't ask me? Would you mind removing my strait jacket now Nurse Snout because I'm about to turn into an antelope? Your award will be arriving disguised as a postman (worra laff)! Ed

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE Every month we ask you to send in your crappy jokes. Every month we regret it, but print them anyway. This months dire duo come from (respectively) Peter Bishop of Ely, Combs and Scott Sutherland of Castlemilk, Glasgow.          Q: What do you call a blind deer?     A: No idea.          Q: What do you call a blind deer with no legs?     A: Still no idea.          (and as if they weren't bad enough...)          Q: What game do vegetables play at parties?     A: Pass the Parsley.          Groan. Hardly deserving of badges, but that's what they win. And so could you. Just send in your truly awful gag to Kindly Leave The Stage. Oh, and here's a crap joke courtesy of us...          Q: What's green and hangs around in hospital corridors?     A: Mucus Whelby M.D.

Doodlebugs

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