YS WITH YOUR PORRIDGE
Firstly take no notice of the address. Hopefully my little visit here will be over in a couple of weeks.
    I've been reading your mag for about a year now, and I must say that YS is just about IT! (Just about what? - Ed). Crash is good, but YS has that certain extra 'appeal' about it. As for Sinclair User, I had to stop getting that as I couldn't stand it any more - that Kamikaze bear idea is just sooo... words can't explain.
    I subscribe to your mag and take advantage of the Subs Club. My main gripe though is the adverts in the mag. I'm not saying there's too many, they actually give the mag more 'colour' if you know what I mean (hem hem), but the screenshots are often misleading. For instance in issue 32 the screens on the ad for Night Raider look unbelievable, but then in the small print it says that they're from the ST version. My point is that YS is, after all, a Spectrum mag, and I think that most readers would rather see Speccy screens.
    Besides all that, I still think that the mag is brill.
Simon Janda
C Wing
HMYCC Onley, Rugby

The ads we run aren't exclusively for our magazine, or indeed any Spectrum magazine: they appear in all the mags that the particular game is formatted for. That means that if a game is released for all the 8 bit and 16 bit computers, the people who put the ad together might decide to show the game off by using screens from only the most graphically impressive machine (ST or Amiga for instance). It's all just part of life's rich tapestry, I'm afraid - but you can generally tell at a glance if a shot is or isn't taken from the Spectrum. I hope you've got things sorted to your satisfaction viz-a-viz your 'lodgings'. Ed

JIGGLING JUGGLERS
Your choice of Joystick Jugglers is very (how can I put this) very ... erm, weird. For example Duncan MacMad, nuff said. Ben and Skippy, who look like The Proclaimers and probably sing as badly too. Sean Kelly (wait a minute, did he not win the Tour de France last year?), I thought he was injured but oh no, here he is, juggling his joystick in public (oo-er). Jonathan Davies, a total prat with greasy hair and Nat Pryce (the cost of a small insect, Gnat Price - geddit, ha ha that was funny), a total poseur who wouldn't know a good game if it bit him on the $£**!*&% (Oo-er)! But I love Your Sinclair and you!!
Ian Grant
Lanark, Scotland

You know the old saying: 'love me love my jugglers (Oo-er), so be careful what you say about that wonderful gang of gamesplayers that we keep locked in the vaults here at Castle Rathbone. Besides, if you think that lot are bad, wait 'til you see the new weirdos that we've dragged up from the sewer. Ed

FROSTY - HE'S GRRRREAT!
Now exclusive to YS - 'How to impersonate David Frost.'
    1. Breathe in deeply whilst saying 'Throoo'.
    2. Imagine you have been holding your breath for five minutes. (On no account actually do this as it'll spoil the effect - you'll die!)
    3. Let it all out (fnurgle wurgle) at once whilst saying 'The keyhole.'
    4. If this sounds more like Alan Whicker keep on trying.
Alan Simpson
Belfast, Northern Ireland

Hello, Good Evening and Welcome! I can't imagine why anybody in their right mind would want to do David Frost impressions. Why not try this one instead?
    1. Run 600 miles without stopping.
    2. Drink a bucketful of slime retaining some in the mouth.
    3. Don't breathe in for five minutes and then say, 'Oh, that man with the ridiculous hat on at the back - do you have any questions for the Right Honourable Mrs T? Sorry that's all we have time for..." Gasp! If you sound more like Roy Hattersley than Robin Day you've probably forgotten to put the bow-tie on. Ed

HOODWINKED?
Firstly I'd like to congratulate you on your FREE (Exclusive games unless you've got a sub! Ed) games! For a mere 50p they're well worth the money.
    Secondly I would like to comment on the Vixen cover (Oh not another one! Ed). I did not find it in the least offensive so don't worry about the people who write in saying YS is a porno mag. The only reason Vixen is clad like she is is because she was brought up in the wild by foxes and you don't see many Dorothy Perkins shops out in the wild (Well except for Milton Keynes. Ed). So she can't just nip out and buy the latest designer wear.
    Lastly I think you are the cutest girl in the world! Apart from my girlfriend Kristine!
    Yours
Nathan "I'm in love with
the Ed' Hood
Port Glasgow, Scotland

What's your verdict on our latest exclusive cover game ? I'll be interested to hear whether YS readers prefer full-price complete games or demos and POKEs - drop me a line and let me know. Ed

WORDS WORTH
A little while ago I decided to buy a rival mag just for the game on the cover, but when I got it home I was astounded at the rubbish and at how small the reviews were, so I decided to do an utterly weird thing - count the amount of words in an SU and a YS review. YS had 10,904 and SU had 7,691. Interesting, eh?!!
    SU really do love themselves though, have you noticed? I mean, now they're asking people to write in and say how utterly brill they are (even though they're not) and the 'best' one gets a prize!! Even their cover-games feature themselves.
    The cover-games on SU and Crash are fairly rubbish, just demos or &%£$ games made by weird people that no-one has ever heard of. All in all I can only say that YS is a great mag for sensible people and the other two are utter $£%+&.
Neil Kingham
South Woodford, London

Youre obviously a very discerning reader Nell, so I'll forgive you just this once for not saying how brill I am. But just one thing - how can YS be suitable for sensible people when we've got Duncan McDonald writing for us? Ed

STAR LETTER

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD TRAINSPOTTER SOAP SPOTTER Cue Neighbours theme tune.. Focus on Ramsey Street...     Charlene: G'day Scott.     Scott: G'day Charlene.     Focus on YS September issue falling through letterbox...     Charlene: G'day YS September issue.     Scott: G'day YS September issue.     Charlene: Look at page 109.     Scott: G'day page 109. There's a mistake in the answers to Pete's Puzzles.     Scott: Somebody's put the answer to 'Games, Games, Games' under the heading 'Double Dutch', and 'Double Dutch' under 'Games, Games, Games'!     Charlene: I think that YS should send Peter Foster a Trainspotter Award.     Cue Neighbours title and cut. Peter Foster Palewell Park, London Cue Eastenders theme tune... Focus on Albert Square...     Lofty: Awight Chelle?     Michelle: Awight Lofty?     Lofty: Ere Chelle! Wot do you rink of this geezer Peter Foster lookin' for a Trainspotter Award then?     Michelle: I dunno Lofty, I need space, you're drownin' me, I need to be me own woman.     Lofty: I'm leavin' you Chelle.     Cue Eastenders title and cut. Ed.

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Every month we invite overseas readers to write in and tell us about, erm, things (and suchlike)... I hope you are still in New Zealand, because it's nearly three months since you said you were here (we get YS late down here). Otherwise I could be writing to absolutely no-one. Warwick Mitchell Invercargill, Southland, New Zealand

THIRST FOR ADVENTURE
Thanks for all the cover-games, but there's one problem. How about an adventure one time, instead of a sport/arcade game? The others were great, but you should try to cater for as many of us as possible - so how about it, huh? I'm not as serious as you may believe, 'cos I'm completely hatstand (fnar fnar yibble yibble). Now, where's my straight-jacket?
Chris Pieri
Minster, Kent

You've actually answered your own question in a way, by saying 'you should cater for as many of us as possible'. The fact is that pure adventure garners only make up a minority of the gameplaying public, but don't get me wrong - we know you're out there. Who knows what the future may hold? (apart from Madame Pico) - meanwhile there's always our arcade/adventures. Ed

MORE JUGGLERS
I'm writing this leaning on a Championship Sprint case, mainly because this is all it's good for.
    Anyway, I have this problem - I am extremely puzzled at the Joystick Jugglers. What happened to Rick Robson (hamster beard 1988) and Cliff the chainsaw razor specialist? And we have not heard a lot from Gwyn recently!! Have these three brave men fallen into the oblivious depths of Snouty's empty Big Mac boxes? Anyway, say 'byeeee' to Marcus for me (will there still be a Dr B's clinic section?).
P. Collins
Orford, Cheshire

Worra Lorra questions! Frankly, we don't really know what happened to Rick Robson, he just put on his snowshoes and nipped out for a minute... six months ago! As for poor Gwyn. He and Rachael had a little tiffy-wiffy (something to do with who held the popcorn at the flicks) and the heartbroken young swain has run off to join the Foreign Legion. And good ol' Dr B has no intention of abandoning you poor stranded gamesplayers, so the Clinic is open for business as usual. Finally, what do you mean 'Snouty's empty Big Mac boxes?' Our Phil believes in wasting nothing at all, so he even eats the carton (and the pickle) yeuuchhh! Ed.

COMMIE INVASION
One day something strange happened to me. I powered up my Speccy and inserted a copy of Colony into the tape recorder. I loaded the game up and while listening to the title-screen music I wondered what would happen if I pressed the 'break' key.
    Guess what happened? The border went white and the paper went black as if the machine was going to reset, but then the border went cyan and the paper went blue and my Speccy turned into a C64 (spit). The writing read:
    ***COMMODORE 64 BASIC V2*** 64K RAM SYSTEM BOTH BYTES FREE READY.
    I pressed a key and then it went back to the title screen.
    Weird, eh??
G. Derham
Chingford, London

Sounds pretty weird to me. Maybe you own a Commodore! Ed

MONKEY BUSINESS
Hah! I spotted a mistake in your August issue! Surprise! Shock! Stunned silence! You will find it in the review of Skate Crazy on page 31. It has to do with a certain number of monkeys and the law of averages. Quote, '... an infinite number of monkeys given an infinite amount of time (and the same number of typewriters) could, purely by chance and the law of averages, reproduce the entire works of William Shakespeare'
    This is, of course, physically impossible. An infinite amount of monkeys would fill infinite amount of space, and there would be no room for one, let alone an infinite number of typewriters. Likewise, an infinite number of typewriters would leave no room for the infinite amount of monkeys.
    The answer to this problem is infinitely easy. You simply take half of an infinite number of monkeys and half of an infinite number of typewriters and leave them for twice as long as infinity! (Actually, one monkey and one typewriter given an infinite amount of time would do).
    So there! Please send me my trainspotter award without delay.
Roger 'Smart-Arse' King
Knebworth, Herts

Call yourself a trainspotter? Everybody knows that they already use an infinite amount of monkeys to write Neighbours. Ed

ALIEN VEGETABLES
Why does everybody think the Ed is a good-looking woman? She just looks like a human-shaped alien with a cauliflower lookalike hairstyle. I think I deserve a badge now.
Martin Van Spanje
Vondelkade, Holland

Bloomin' cheek. My hairstyle has been specially crafted to resemble a courgette. So get your facts right in future. Ed

PANIC SAVES THE DAY
I am writing on account of your brill, super, magic, wonderful game - Blind Panic. My computer broke down. I thought I'll try to load one more game, and the one I happened to try was Blind Panic. I thought 'if this doesn't work I'll have to pay to get it fixed (aaargh).
    I was surprised when it loaded. I tried other games, but it was the only one that worked. One time while I was playing it, I completed it. After switching it off, I loaded one of the games that didn't work before. To my surprise it worked. So did all the others.
    Blind Panic mended my computer!
    Your magazine is Brilliant, and so say all of us. Three cheers for YS. Hip hip hooray...
Brian Duff
Edinburgh, Scotland

PS. As a token of thanks, I have given you my hand made puppet, Biffo, and a badge.

Strange things afoot eh? I think that Madame Pico probably had a hand in those goings on - is there no end to her powers? By the way, thanks for sending Biffo to us, he makes a marvellous cup of coffee. Ed
    

SMALL PRINT I realise that you may have to shorten this down to fit it on the letters page. The Editor, ZX Spectrum Club Erm, yes - I did lose about 3000 words! Ed I bet you a million pounds you won't print this. Robert Church Co. Armagh, N. Ireland I'm sending you my Swiss bank account number!! Ed Could you send a signed photograph for me to play darts, sorry, to put at the side of my bed please? Mark Illingworth Yeadon, Leeds For that you deserve a photo of Eric Bristow (the 'crafty' cockney). Just thank your lucky stars I'm not going to send you one. Ed

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE This month we've not only scraped the bottom of the barrel, we've actually lifted it up and dug down three feet into the boggy yuk-ness it was resting on. Lurking in these putrid depths we found Julian Marshall of Abingdon and Nicholas Megoran of Scunthorpe, and they had these gems to impart:          Q: Why is Europe like a frying pan?     A: Because it's got Greece at the bottom.          Q: What do you call a fly with no legs?     A: A walk.          Yaaaaaarrrgghhhh!! Those were about the only printable ones (you disgusting perverts!). Got anything? Then write it down and bung it to Kindly Leave The Stage,. You might win a much sought after YS badge. Oh, and we've got a joke for you - a bloke walks into a Newsagent and says, 'Have you got any helicopter crisps?' and the newsagent replies 'Sorry, we've only got plane'. (Bleeeee!!!).

Doodlebugs

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