GRASS CUTTINGS
My spies in the Amstrad (hiss) CPC camp came up with this cutting. Somebody somewhere is telling megaporkies - I think we should be told...

Nick Cheesman
Borden, Hants

So do I. Will the culprit please come forward and explain. Ed

GARDENER'S WORLD
We would like this opportunity to inform your readers of the Australian version of Advanced Lawnmower Simulator, as reviewed in the April issue of YS.
    We are calling it Flymo Action as ours is an electric version and we are confident that it'll live up to the high standards already set in this demanding form of computer game.
    Some of the features will include variable cord length, international voltage setting e.g. 110 volts, 240 volts etc. And a random lawn generator. We will also be supplying expansion modules of various lawn types and climates. The 128K version will include a random weather generator which unfortunately cannot be squeezed into the 48K version.
    As an incentive we will also be including, free of charge to the first 100 orders, a 20 foot extension cord.
J J Ball, Manager
Gardensoft, Australia

Sounds like a bargain too good to miss. I hereby place the first hundred orders. Give the games to a charity and send me a 2000 foot extension cord. Ed

NEW GROWTH
After following the Gardensoft saga for many months I have decided to put pen to paper. I am the Managing Director of the rival company to Gardensoft, Loungesoft. Our many releases include Professional Sofa Simulator, Advanced TV Simulator (with free remote control) and Stereo Simulator (CD or vinyl disk versions). We are also opening a new sister company called Bedroomsoft but we haven't got any of our games past the Board Of Censors yet. After seeing all the trouble IJL Griffiths had I would like to ask him whether he would be interested in becoming an in-house programmer for us? We are a very long established company offering excellent pay and I would be grateful if IJL Griffiths could contact us via YS.
CJ Cox, Loungesoft
Games
Beckenham, Kent

You could be having a few copyright problems yourself with the Professional Sofa Simulator, as Gardensoft released a Chaise Longue Simulator in May, on their budget label, Grass Box. Ed.

SUPERGRASS
It's true. I became very friendly with the director of Gardensoft and I'm going to sell my story to the News Of The World and The Sun. Though for the price of one YS badge you can have an exclusive. Okay here it is:
    Ronnie babes (oops) and myself were having a little drink and he asked me round to his flat to show me something. When we got there he showed me the pilot copy of Advanced Lawnmower Simulator. At that point the incredible synthesised speech and brilliant logo told me that it was non other than Qualcast Roto-mo by IJL Griffiths. Ronnie told me all about his scandalous plan to change the title and gain copyright and begged me not to tell anybody. I am therefore prepared to testify that IJL Griffiths is the sole owner of this game.
Bimbo Baby (alias John
Hunt)
A Secluded Villa In Spain

It's a deal. You get one YS badge, I get the exclusive. Not a very good businessman, are you? You could probably have got 10 to 12 thousand pounds from The News of The World. Ed

LITTLE STINKERS
I have a tip for Program Pitstoppers. Was there ever a time when you had to go to the toilet/answer the phone in the middle of typing in a really long program only to return to find your little brother/sister had NEWed the program on you? Well, I have the answer. Just type in RANDOMIZE USR 1302. This imitates something loading into the Speccy so you can pretend you are loading a game for them.
Stephen Gallagher
Co. Kildare, Eire

Do you have something that'll stop Phil eating my sandwiches when I nip off to make a cuppa? Ed

TAKE THAT
I want to take you to task over your Megagame Previews. How on earth can you possibly know a game that hasn't been released and therefore hasn't been finished is a Megagame?
    After the OutRun debacle where you did a Megagame Preview on it and then gave it an 8 in a later review. I hope you have learned your lesson.
Chris Mileham
London

Now let's get this straight! We have never ever given an unfinished game a rating. All unfinished products are previewed - those that we feel are likely to be good quality, chart topping games (like OutRun) are often given a Megapreview. Although we called the OutRun piece a Megagame Preview that was a mistake it should have read Megapreview. You'll notice we didn't rate it because it was not complete. We later go on to review these products when they are ready to go on sale. They may well be rated as megagames or if we don't think they're good enough they won't. We do this to ensure that YS readers always get a fair deal - every game we review is the product you'll be getting if you buy it, not a demo or screen or incomplete product. Okay? Ed

BRAINSTORM
Please load this tape with either LOAD "" or 128K Tapeloader. Please note it isn't meant to be nasty, just satirical.

Dean Ashton
Scarborough, N. Yorks

I get the message! All I can say is I apologise profusely for the delay in staging the YS/US Gold Golden Brain Awards. If you can remain patient for a little while longer we will be sending you details of where and when it will be held. Ed

FEELING LISTLESS?
Oh dear what ever has happened to your magazine? I used to get YS in the early 80's (Groovy baby! Ed) because it was full of listings and cheap. What we have now is a glossy magazine full of adverts, reviews, tips, previews, hints and POKEs. I've just got myself a 128K and would dearly like to see some listings again. I see that even SU don't do listings anymore.
    I know that costs have gone up but there must be someone ready to publish their work for others to enjoy.
JG Gibson
Penzance, Cornwall

I wonder about some of you lot sometimes. Surely it hasn't escaped your notice that we're the only Spectrum magazine that runs three pages of your programs every month? If you keep sending your routines in we'll keep printing them. Ed

MMM LOVELY!
On the whole I'd rather be in PHILADELPHIA.
Lorenzo The Unlucky
Woodchuck
Plymouth, Devon

On the whole I'd rather be anywhere but here! Arrrgggggghhhh! Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD USE YOUR LOAF I am a trainspotter of the greatest kind - I spot mistakes. In the March edition of your wonderful magazine on page 22 it says that Meatloaf wrote, 'You give lunch a bad name'. Although Meatloaf are a brilliant band they didn't write that, but they did write and sing 'You give love a bad name'. Richard Peters Portshead, Avon Talk about meat head! I think you got the wrong end of the cleaver. The chart was about songs with the word love in replaced with lunch. Oh never mind - here's a Trainspotter Award to keep you quiet. Ed WELL DICEY The number of spots on opposite sides of a dice add up to seven. Your dice in the Guild Of Thieves review had the six and one next to each other. Can I have a Trainspotter's Award for noticing this please? Nicholas Young Saddleworth, Lancs Well spotted! A Trainspotter Award is chuffing it's way to you as we speak! Ed

HAPPINESS IS...
Your Sinclair is great! I used to buy Crash until one day I saw Your Sinclair and at last there was happiness in my life. That's all!
Tony Allen
Londonderry, Northern
Ireland

It's more fun than a beaten up old teddy! Ed

STAR LETTER DOUBLE CROSSER Do you really want to know? Yes, that's right, I'm going to spill the beans on my best friend Rob Moorman. Doubtless he'll pummel my head into the ground but I like the look of those YS badges. Oh in case you don't know what I'm on about look in issue 32, page 16.     Rob after sealing his relationship with Lisa and the hedgehogs has now moved on to pastures new. He's now after a female sixth former called Siobhan (wahay) Lavelle. One day when she was on lunch duty he had lunch five times so he could walk past her. He follows her around in a daze and spends a fortune on roses on Valentine's Day.     Err, hi Rob. THUD!!! Quick get me a straightjacket, get me a doctor. YIKES!!! S Westaway Ward 15, Visiting times 3-5pm Some kind of friend you are! Poor old Rob sounds like he's quite a romantic chap - I wish someone would send me roses (hint, hint). I only hope that Siobhan will notice him soon. In fact I'm sure she will after all those extra dinners he keeps having. Ed

NETWORK TRAINSPOTTER
TO YS STOP THEY ARE SPREADING STOP ONE CAUGHT BY KEEN PHOTOGRAPHER STOP EASILY IDENTIFIED STOP FADED CORDS STOP KAGOUL STOP OPTIONAL NOTE BOOK AND/ OR CLIPBOARD STOP BEWARE THEY COULD APPEAR NEAR YOU STOP

Gary Chase
South Croydon, Surrey

Ugh! I agree that this is definitely a trainspotter in the making though he's got a long way to go before he becomes a fully fledged member of the TA's (that's Trainspotter's Anonymous).
    Once the spots, scarf and boils on the neck have set in, there'll be no saving him from a fate worse than Casey Jones beefburgers. Ed

SHE DEVIL
I hereby serve warning to all male members of the YS staff that Teresa Maughan, when rearranged becomes: UG! SHE A MAN EATER
Paul Cardin
Wallasey, Merseyside

Funny I must say! Did you know that your name is an anagram of PLAIN CRUD? So there! Ed

IVOR THE ENGINEER
After several weeks of tapping phones, bugging rooms and house surveillance I have found the trainspotting bigwig. A man so evil that he organised a day trip to the Nene Valley Railway for the whole of a junior and infant school. Who is this vile creature? He is none other than Peter Waszack (Who? Ed), the school librarian of St John Fisher school in Peterborough. The sadistic man even had a book published about trains! How evil can you get?
    I dare not take a photo of him because if he found out I may be forced to stand alongside him watching those Intercity 125's pass by. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhh!
    I can assure you he looks the part though with those infamous NHS specs, the bogey green cardigan and the quarter to three walk. Could you send him a Trainspotter Award and expose him to all.
Danny 'A man frightened
for his life' Brien
Gunthorpe,
Peterborough

Unfortunately Danny Brien met with an unfortunate accident on platform three of Didcot station. He was last seen alive eating a BR BLT. Any member of the public who spots him should not approach this man as he is dangerous and may be armed with a deadly BOAC bag. Ed

BIMBO NEWS
I bet you can't guess what I'm writing about (Oh yes I can. Ed). All those people complaining about your Vixen and Barbarian II covers should 'Get lost'. It may not have dawned on them that the stars of these two games are women - that's what women have got to do with computers. I mean, what has a topless bimbo got to do with the news?! But does that stop The Sun and does anyone write outraged letters to Rupert Murdoch? Nope! Tara.
Gavin Thomas
Ebbw Vale, Gwent
PS It's a great mag and I'm an Amstrad owner!

I entirely agree with your point about Page Three bimbos being shown in rags like The Sun, News Of The World and Sunday Sport. You don't find these on the 'top shelf' and the pictures are far more offensive than any of the covers we've had on YS. Ed

DRIBBLE, SLURP
I was just flicking through the May issue when I noticed the Crazy Compo which I had intended to enter. It's now too late but I would really do anything for a signed photo of Corrine Russell (Vixen girl). I would pay a stack of money or give you anything you want for a poster or photo of the lovely girl - I've been a fan of hers for years ever since she was a dancer on the Kenny Everett show. I'm 15 and may be suicidal if I don't get in touch with her somehow.
    I AM PREPARED TO PAY!!!!!!
Colin Frazer
Armagh, Northern
Ireland
PS I've been with YS since the first issue.

The question is HOW MUCH? I happen to have a rather nice signed photo of Corrine sitting here beside me awaiting a kind and loving home. Make me an offer I can't refuse and I'll send you the photo. That'll do nicely. Ed

    

SMALL PRINT Will someone tell the man in the Trainspotter picture that he's about to get run over by a high speed train? Robert Wilkins Carmarthen, Dyfed Perhaps he wants a one-tracked mind. Ed I've no idea what a screwdriver is. Craig Newlyn Herne-Bay, Kent So you won't know what a screw is either! Ed Did you know that the gross sentence "U HOT LIPS PHIL" is an anagram of Phillip South? Jan Winter Falmouth, Cornwall It's not surprising that you come from foul mouth. Ed

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE Boy have you lot got warped senses of humour. This month's well crappy jokes from Paul Murren, Paul BurnIcy of Shipley and Nigel Bourton of Newport will have you in stitches - and that's if you don't laugh!          Q: How do you sink an Irish submarine?     A: Knock on the door.          Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?     A: Tell you tomorrow.          Q: Excuse me Sir are you a piece of string?     A: No I'm afraid not! A frayed knot, geddit?!

Doodlebugs

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