YET MORE HOVER BOVVER
(Editor's note: Following the letter last month from Mr I J L Griffiths, alleging that Gardensoft's recent megagame release Advanced Lawnmower Simulator is, in fact, none other than his own game, Qualcast Rota-Mo, we have received this communication, addressed to Mr Griffiths, from Mr Adolf Bibble, senior partner of Wibble, Bibble & Boing, solicitors.)
On behalf of Gardensoft Ltd
A computer-game scout working on behalf of our clients was approached earlier this year in The Broken Arms, an east end public house. After, and we quote, "greasing a few unsavoury palms," he became the possessor of an innovative lawn-mowing game.
    Later that month, after extensive gameplay testing, a team of five Gardensoft computer experts 'broke into' the program's Basic loader, and a change was made. More specifically, line 10 was changed from REM**(C) Gardensoft Ltd 1988**. Furthermore the border colour on the options screen was changed from magenta to cyan.
    We trust these facts will convince you of the futility in any further course of action on your part. We also remind you that court proceedings are costly fellows and that a legal aid solicitor is no match for a knobbled judge and jury.
    We hope you catch our gist.
Adolf Bibble
Wibble, Bibble & Boing,
Solicitors

We await Mr Griffith's reply with interest. Ed

OOPS, SORRY!
I collect letters of apology. I've got two from Ocean, which I got after winning a competition, in the Victor comic no less (no relation). The competition was to win High Noon way back in 84 or 85.
    The first letter said we are sorry to tell you that High Noon is taking longer than expected to write, but here are Gilligan's Gold and Daley Thompson's Decathlon to be going on with.
    The second letter said High Noon has been scrapped so we've sent Match Day, and we hope you enjoy it (I did).
    I've also got one from Marcus Berkmann apologising for the length of time it took before the free game I won for the July 87 Doodlebug reached me.
    I did another Doodlebug for the January 88 ish and still haven't received my free game. Do you think you could oblige with another letter of apology - I do so love them.
Victor 'Spider' Bell
Clifton, York

No I blimmin' well can't. I don't know what came over Marcus to write such a letter - he won't be doing it again 'cos he's fired! Ed

HAS HE WHAT?
In your May issue (page 18) in the 'Tape Troubles' bit of the Blind Panic piece, you mention an azimuth alignment program and a screwdriver. I know what a screwdriver is, but what is an azimuth alignment program? Please explain.
K Rickard
Fowey, Cornwall

Ah, now yer asking. Azimuth is a tape recorder technical term for the alignment of the tape head. You can adjust the alignment to match that of the machine the game tape was mastered on, which makes it load better if you're having problems. To adjust azimuth you twiddle the tiny screw which sits in a little hole just above the PLAY key (By the way, the plate onto which the screw is fixed is only in place under the hole when the PLAY key is pressed.) An azimuth alignment program listens to the sound coming from your tape recorder and helps you to adjust the screw for better loading. Phil

GRIMEY GRIPES
Your answer to Mrs N McHarg of Glasgow in YS of May 1988 shows clearly that you miss the whole point of her complaint (and that of other readers including myself). If the smut you print is only meant for older readers, it does not alter the fact that it is still filth!
    The problem with you is that whatever is in you must come out in some way (Eh? Ed). It is most unfortunate that you have to use the guise of a computer magazine for that purpose instead of some smutty magazine like the one you gave away recently for promotion. At least then people buy it for what they know is its filthy content; in a magazine about computing we neither expect filthy jokes and innuendoes nor do we want it.
William Oost Lievense
Belfast

I have never said that what we print is smut and filth - I certainly wouldn't dream of printing anything vulgar or obscene. I'm afraid you've missed the point - the innuendos in the magazine are jokes, not a calculated attempt to corrupt the nation's youth. Only those readers of an age to understand will appreciate them: the very young just pass over it. Besides, I think you're being a touch naive if you think kids at school don't hear, see and say things much worse than the stuff we print. In this magazine you don't get what I consider to be 'filth' - I'm sorry if you don't agree. Ed

SICK AS A PARROT'S DROPPING
While being dragged around the shops by my mum I persuaded her to buy a copy of Your Sinclair. But clever mum picked up May's edition of Sinclair User by mistake and I didn't notice until she had paid for it. So I thought I might as well give it a try and to my horror, on page 31 I saw 'The 1987 Readers' Poll Results', and under the section "Rip-Off Of The Year" Your Sinclair was fourth. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. I wouldn't line the budgie's cage with Sinclair User, let alone suggest it was better than your mag.
Steven Green
(no address enclosed)

Remember that they've now been pushed into third place by YS - these are desperate men... Ed

SAY WHAT?
It is exactly 31 months since the world's greatest Spectrum magazine, Your Spectrum, was replaced by the world's worst one, Your Sinclair. No other magazine manages to avoid putting anything relevant or informative inside in quite the way you do. Once Task Force went, that was it. Where's all the old machine code utilities? Hardware projects? Book reviews? Articles? Letters that had something to say (and for that reason, I assume you won't print this one, just to prove my point)?
C Benson
Hamilton, Lanarkshire

Read Program Pitstop recently? Next please. Ed

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Every month we invite readers from overseas to write in and tell us about the wide world of Speccy playing. Or something like that ... I make a request of SY to your. L am live here Hungary and I have heard that exist newspaper, but only sometimes get towards SY am in the 'Computer-M' computer shop, but unfortunately I don't know purchase for don't on sale. Therefore if you are forward two newspaper very thank SY for something. Norbert Nagy Debrecen, Hungary Your SY badge is on its way! Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD In the June edition of your brilliantly fab mag there was a mistake. HA! The review of Sophistry had the screenshots of Rastan, and in Screenshots there was Rastan with screenshots of Sophistry where there should have been the King of Maranna wandering around in his Y-fronts. If you don't give me the trainspotter award I'll blow you up HA HA HA! Steven Crampton Kings Lynn, Norfolk Okay okay you win. Apart from the fact that you are of course completely correct, I can't stand violence. (The person concerned has been upended in a vat of boiling treacle, tarred and feathered and then handed over to the Your Sinclair killer bees.) Ed ED STOP CLAIM FOR TRAINSPOTTER AWARD STOP PETE SHAW COMPLETELY HATSTAND STOP PRIZE KWIZWORD NO 2 HAS CLUE MISSING AS WELL AS WRONG NUMBERING STOP STILL CAN'T GIVE UP READING YS END K L Wilderspin Great Paxton, Cambs THANK YOU FOR TELEGRAM STOP I THOUGHT THEY'D ENDED TELEGRAMS YEARS AGO STOP IS THAT WHY IT CAME SECOND CLASS? STOP Ed

THAT VIXEN COVER

OUTRAGED! I am returning this magazine to you, as a parent of a young son who is the owner of a Sinclair Spectrum computer. I am returning it in protest of the low quality and totally unnecessary and distasteful female pictures.     I see little connection between your choice of pictures and the business of computing. I have made my protest also to my local newsagent, who has now cancelled the order. A magazine with any serious credibility in the world of computers would not have to put pictures like these on the cover to sell. Joan Fitzpatrick (Mrs) Warrenpoint, Co Down Sorry Mrs Fitzpatrick, I see nothing distasteful about a clothed female body I outlined last month the reasons behind using the image - it's the one being used in the game. Still, I take your point but at the same time you must realise that we are primarily aiming at 15/16 year olds, not the very young. Ed GIRLS TALK Is this a porno mag or a computer mag? Is it really necessary for your continued existence to print revealing women on your front cover? I refer of course to the late, great May issue of 1988. Do you realise that persons of the feminine gender do buy your mag? Maybe you don't take notice of the fact that some letters you receive are signed by a girl's name.     So what if the bulk of your readers are male - you should try to satisfy as many of your consumers as possible. Is that not so?     Please do not try to imitate Playboy etc - it doesn't suit your computer image. I am quite sure that most girls would die of embarrassment to be seen with the May issue. I certainly would.     This apart I enjoy your mag, especially your adventure section. Now that I've vented my spleen and am oil tuckered out I'll sign off with a 'Good luck' and a 'don't disappear into the gloom of time for at least a hundred years for you would be sorely missed'! Stephanie Hume Dundee Oops. Well what can I say? Maybe all the male readers are offended by the He-Man type figures that are often portrayed on the front covers of nearly all computer game mags. Ed. GUESS WHO? I am writing on behalf of my mum and dad's son and my sister's brother. On the May edition, to my horror I saw a lady poser with the looks of an odious vapour. How can you possibly print such dribble? You must be madder than Mad Jack McMad the winner of last year's 'Mr Mad' competition (Blackadder III). Ian Cullen Guildford, Surrey In other words you're writing on behalf of your aunt's nephew and your father's sister's son's cousin. What on earth does an odious vapour look like anyway? Are you sure you don't mean viper? Ed ACE FACE May I take this opportunity to thank you for a brilliant front cover on the May 1988 mag. I know there will be mixed feelings about it, but I think it is ace. Julian Marshall Abingdon, Oxon At least somebody out there liked it! Ed FRUITY EH? Cor, yeah, more, more, oops, sorry, I mean, you perverted little dirty mag. I went into the local newsagents, looked up at the shelf and saw two big melons staring at me. No it's not the fruit counter at Sainsbury's - YS has gone porno. Thank you! Andrew Randall (13) Southampton, Hants Porno! Ha! If you really want porno, this mate of mine... (This bit's censored. Ed) not to mention the garden implements, the optional leather thongs, a bunch of bananas and Glenn Hoddle. Now that's porno! Phil

PRICKLY SUBJECT
What have you done? All I did was absent-mindedly scribble off a quick note to you, carelessly mentioning a certain 'Lisa'! So what? Well, in my school, there are many YS readers who know me, who spotted the letter (greatly cut!) in Small Print ish 30. They haven't left me alone with their puns about Lisa and hedgehogs - and it's terrible!
    I've found it necessary, therefore, to write again to say I cannot stand Lisa or hedgehogs! But there is a certain female sixth former... no, no!
Rob Moorman
Plymouth, Devon

There is? And can any of Rob's friends tell us more? Ed

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...
I'd love to know what happened to the following games:
    1) Star Trek/Rainbird
    2) The Last Ninja/System 3
    3) Re-Bounder/Gremlin
    4) Attack Of The Mutant Zombie Flesh-Eating Chickens From Mars/Software Projects
    5) Tank/Ocean
    6) Bangkok Knights/System 3
    7) Judge Death/Piranha
    8) Roy Of The Rovers/Piranha
Martin Lewis
Telford, Shropshire

Not a lot of good news here, I'm afraid. 1) Still due to come out - eventually Question is, which decade are we looking at here? 2) Delayed until the autumn. Last Ninja 2 will be out first on the Speccy! 3) Indefinitely postponed. 4) Scrapped. 5) Ditto. 6) No news yet. 7) & 8) Since Piranha has gone down the tubes, these are unlikely to see the light of day unless another company buys up the licence and the half-completed games - which doesn't seem too likely at the moment. Marcus

DON'T PANIC
Just to say a very big Thank you for Blind Panic. It's a super game, really excellent, I've enjoyed playing it, and my two children - well, it keeps them quiet for hours. Diolch uyn fawr (for all your Welsh readers) - keep them coming. At the present we haven't made level three but we will get there eventually.
D Thomas
Ruthin, Clwyd

Yes, if you're a sucker for platformy games (like me), it's the business, innit, peeps? We've finished the latest round of cover games for the moment but look out for some more later in the year... Marcus

WRINKLIES RULE!
Last month you said the average reader of your mag was 16. Well, you're wrong, 'cos I just happen to be 92 million years old, which knocks the average age up to about 46. But I don't want free hair restorer, though a nice crisp fiver wouldn't be bad, eh?
Orc.
Trearchy, Mid-Glamorgan
PS In Wales, trainspotting's out - sheepspotting's in.

Sorry, there's no point sending you a fiver, but here's that sick squid I owe you! Ha ha ha! And the less said about sheepspotting the better. Ed Baaaaaaaa! Rest of Staff

STAR LETTER PURE GENIUS Knowing how awkward it can be carrying mirrors around with you (so you can admire yourself when nobody's looking), I have invented a device (keyring actually), which has two main functions. On one side is simply a happy smiling picture of yourself, which will make it possible to admire yourself at any time you desire. The luxury of this is you can be covered in zits and so be reminded how different you'll look when they have gone (ahem).     Function two, on the other side, is a Phil Snout teaser, just the thing to make his mouth water and his stomach rumble. Hold the pig-and-tomato-sauce sandwich pic in front of him, and he'll obey your every request (just as long as you buy him a real one later!)     Hope you like it - it's totally unique! Darren Wynard Normanton, W Yorks What makes you think I need to admire myself all the time? I've got plenty of other people who can admire me. Well, okay only one and that's my mum - and I have to pay her to do it! Sob, sob! I'm more interested in the reverse side of the keyring - the Phil Snout teaser. If it can really make Phil obey my every request I'll eat my hat - that's if Phil doesn't eat it first! Thanks very much for your lovely gift. Ed

    

SMALL PRINT PS I've just done Sabre Wulf. Do I get a prize for being the last person to complete it? Julian van Eyken Blimey what do they call you, bullet? Still you do at least persevere so I'm sending you a badge. Ed PS I love you Teresa, but I'm afraid I'm totally against clowns that play mandarins. The Kloque Oh, I'm touched, I really am, (You don't say! Marcus). But I cannot return your love because of your prejudice against mandarin-playing clowns. What's wrong with oranges anyway? Ed I'm writing this in Maths 'cos everyone's asleep (fancy that). PLEASE PLEASE get rid of the joke police! Tony Doyle I arrest you for obstructing an officeur of the leur during the course of justice. Ed I bet you at least five quid you don't know my postcode. Mark Towse It's OX9 4UD actually You owe me five quid me old mate. Ed Is Phil's nose really that deformed? C Hanway His nose is quite normal. It just looks that way 'cos his face is so deformed. Ed PS Our ages are 14 but mental ages are 0. As you can see from the speling. Craig and Beddy With names like that I'm not surprised! Eddy

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE This month's crap jokes are really hot 'n' steamy! Take a whiff of these from David Lane of West Bridgeford, Nottingham and Phil Kiernan of Co. Westmeath, Ireland.          Q: How do you make a dog drink?     A: Liquidise it!          Q: What's green, has four legs and would kill you if it fell on top of you out of a tree?     A: A snooker table.          And those were the tasteful ones ... Do you have any jokes that are both funny AND print- able? (There don't seem to be many around, judging the porni- ness of our postbag. You're all WARPED!) Dig them out and send them to Kindly Leave The Stage.

YS HORRORSCOPES by Betelgeuse      CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 20) Got a headache this morning? A few too many sherbets last night? Skin feels like wax? Tongue needs it shave? Well, it's your own fault - don't say I didn't warn you. Now go up to your room this minute.      AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) Outdoor activities arc extremely well starred this month, so Aquarian cat burglars should have a good few weeks. Look out for Aquarian rozzers, though.      PISCES (Feb 20-Mar 20) Sign of the fish, Pisces, which certainly explains that odd smell in here. Haven't you had a bath this morning?      ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 20) The arrival of Pluto in Capricorn is liable to affect your mood this month, turning a normally kind, generous, affable sort of cove into a slavering homicidal maniac. Go and annex the Sudetenland or something.      TAURUS (Apr 21-May 21) Ah, the bull, which is what you'll find yourself talking most of this month. On and on you'll drivel, pouring forth an unstoppable flow of bilge. Yes, you're Anne Diamond!      GEMINI (May 22 - Jun 21) A good month in store. With you winning the pools, buying an enormous house in the Bahamas, and setting up home with Christie Brinkley. (Only kidding).      CANCER (Jun 22-Jul 23) A momentous time for you right now - you're likely to be moving house, changing job or school, or possibly turning into an antelope. (In which case it may be time for a spot of redecorating, methinks.)      LEO (Jul 24-Aug 23 ) Work is looking up this month, so if you're doing exams you're almost certain to pass everything with flying colours and eventually be elected to the Regius Professorship of Modern History at Oxford University. Almost certain.      VIRGO (Aug 24-Sep 23) Feeling paranoid? If not you should be, as masked men carrying chainsaws will be chasing you around town this month. Especially if you were chatting their girlfriends up the previous evening. My advice: stay in and watch Bob Monkhouse.      LIBRA (Sep 24-Oct 23) Sorry, nothing happening to you this month. Hard life, isn't it?      SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) A good month for travel, and many Scorpio businessmen will find themselves flying out to Spain for extended holidays beyond the reach of extradition treaties. For YS readers, it may be time to renew that bus pass.      SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 21 ) Footwear figures prominently in your horoscope, so why not pop out this moment and buy that pair of fluffy slippers you've been looking at? And don't forgct the Odor Eaters.

Doodlebugs