HOVER BOVER
As the managing director of Gardensoft, I wish to complain about the unfair review of our recently released Advanced Lawnmower Simulator. It was nice of you to give the program a Megagame stamp, but I feel you made some serious omissions.
    Firstly, there was no mention of the full colour A3 poster of a Qualcast Concord mower, free with every copy of the program on Plus 3 disk. Secondly, you did not inform your readers of the program's compatibility with the Interface Two, Currah Microspeech (Don't chop up the worms!!), and the Troian lightpen. I believe this is a deliberate attempt by larger software houses to put us out of business before we take over the entire market, by bribing magazines to gloss over the finer points of our products. For instance, the extensive advertising campaign we initiated has never been seen by the public. How do you expect us to sell games when you 'forget' to run our full-page colour advertisements for the game, featuring the lovely Rosie Bush, tastefully garbed in green bikini and wellies? I trust these shortcomings will not occur in the future when we unveil our next range of games, including DIY Wallpaperer Simulator, Household Chores Compendium, and the state-of-the-art Boiled Egg Timer strategy/adventure concept game, available in the summer exclusively for the new Spectrum +4, with built-in Laserdisk RAM storage.
G Miller
Gardensoft Publishing
Empire plc
Dover, Kent.

We certainly could never accuse you of letting the grass grow under your feet, what with all these new products coming out. I'm sorry if you found our review to be a thorn in your side, we thought it was a cut above average. Still at least we've printed your letter, which should help you regain your composture. Not only that, here's a picture of that mower that's a lot less bovver than a hover that you've been crocusing about! Ed

PAYNEFUL
I recently bought a rival mag for the 'free' game tape on the cover, to see how it would compare with your games. After reading through the mag, I have come to the conclusion that YS caters for readers of higher intelligence (I mean, who wants a letters page run by a rabid, psychopathic teddy? T'zer is bad enough!!). This other mag seems to think its tape is better than everyone else's, having a game on one side and a playable demo (gasp, gasp), on the other.
    I therefore suggest that your next cover tape be something a little more upmarket and technical like a graphics utility or an adventure creator (mini-PAW or GAC?).
    Changing the subject slightly, I have every issue of Your Spectrum/Your Sinclair and while I find that the mag has improved tremendously over the years, I think you concentrate too much on games, and not enough on utilities and peripherals (only one Hardware/Hard Facts special since July '87).
    Still, enough griping - thanks for a great magazine. But please take note of my ramblings - some of us don't play games all of the time!!
Martin Payne
Portsmouth, Hants.
PS I like orange Smarties and milk chocolate M&Ms.

You should be well-pleased 'cos we've recently started a page every month called Rage Hard which is solely on hardware peripherals. What do you think? Ed.

MEGAGAMES
I have written this letter in praise of the excellent quality of your free games. I read all the Spectrum mags, Crash, Sinclair User and Your Sinclair. They have all had games on the cover. Crash had playable demos, YS had proper games and Sinclair User copied games. They gave a copy of a game called Zarjaz which is a scrolling shoot 'em up. The thing is, that if you have played Zub and then pressed 2,4,6 and 8, you get a game called Lightfarce. Zarjaz was an exact copy of the game, apart from the title. It makes me so mad that they should charge an extra 50p for a game everyone has got or played.
    Thank you again for your high standard of games.
Daniel Nugent
Hanworth, Middx.

Well, you'll already have played Blind Panic by now which we reckon is another spanking game. What do you think of this month's game People From Sirius? I personally think it's pretty damn good. Why not write in and let us know? Unless of course you don't like it, in which case don't. Ed

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Yes, every month we invite readers from overseas to write in and tell us about the wide world of Speccy playing.     Or something like that... Please send me the emolems and prospectus and catalaogne fo yoor famusfim ithik yoor sars are and the best yor int the world i world bewry. Pies as passiole. Lapinski Wojliech Lapy, Poland. I think you'll find that it's on page three of the August issue of World Turnip Monthly, under the heading Propagating Your Old Bulbs. Failing that you can always ask your local MP. Ed

LIKE A VIRGIN...
I was very interested in reading the article about role-playing games in the February issue of YS. I noticed at the bottom (fnar), you thanked Virgin Games Centre for the info. Could you print the address for Virgin Games as I (and many others) would like to send away for some.
Allen Baird
Londonderry, N. Ireland.

Contact Virgin Megamail (the mail order branch) at [Snipped - NickH] and they'll send you a catalogue. Ed

CLOSE ENCOUNTER
Please tell me, are you human? There is no human on Earth that could write a magazine with the same instant appeal, quality and style that makes me go all... ooh... just by looking at it. (Eh? Ed) I for one, trust every single one of your reviewers and recently burnt down my local computer store because it didn't stock 720 degrees, which you rated as a megagame.
Owen Billcliffe
Parkhurst, Isle of Wight.

No, I'm an alien. Ed

ELECTRIC SHOCK!
I have a comment to make about Desert Island Disks. If stranded on a desert island with only your trusty Speccy, TV, tape recorder and eight fave games for company, where pray tell, would you find three plug sockets? On a nearby palm tree perhaps?
    Also on page 40 of the March issue of your mag there is a Castle Computers advert and down the bottom on the left it says, "Doc The Destroyer RRP 75p Our Price £2.99." What a brilliant deal.
Simon Warner
King's Lynn, Norfolk.

Are you a complete aardvark or something? All you need to do is take some re-chargeable batteries and a battery recharger. See! Ed

STAR LETTER IN TUNE Your magazine has just about everything it needs - a good logo, a programming section, plenty of reviews and a letters page (or two). But there is one thing missing, and that's a title tune. You can't expect to compete with Crossroads or Eastenders without a title tune, so to make amends for this I have just spent. Some time (about two minutes), composing one for you. Just type it into any Speccy and away you go. David Smith Belmont, Durham. PS What does the J stand for in Rachael J Smith? PPS Have you noticed that for the last year YS is getting around two pages thinner every issue? Is it on a diet? Hang on a mo! That little ditty sounds a smidge like the Neighbours theme tune to me. I reckon this little melody I composed earlier is much better.     Di di di dee dee     Dumdum dum dah     Ooooooh la la!     What do you think? Ed     PS J stands for just.     PPS Its thicker you clot, but obviously not quite as thick as you!

HEY JIMMY!
While hunting through all my. Old issues of YS (looking for hints on old games), I noticed that nearly all the adverts for games had one of two things on them -either,
    1) a rather spectacular woman's body (fnar), or
    2) an act of unimaginable cruelty or violence.
    Interesting, eh?
James Hughes
Stocksfield,
Northumberland.
PS If all you people in the south think all us in the north are thick, then why have we got Europe's biggest shopping centre?

Quite an achievement, I'm sure you'll agree. Any more comments on the north/south divide? Ed

R.I.P.
It is with deepest regret that I bring this news to you, but last night the joke "my spaceship is parked at a parking meteor" (last printed in my letter, Feb ish), passed away peacefully in its sleep. I realise that this may come as a shock to a great many of you - but let's face it, it was ancient and unfunny.
    On a brighter note - hey T'zer, you know that piccy of you at the start of the letters pages... well what is that massive black zit on your face? And what does the pencil taste like?
    Anyway, I enclose £19, valid at the bank of Toytown - that should give me the Star Letter.
Noddy
Dollar, Clacks.

It's a sad day when an old joke is finally laid to rest in Bob Monkhouse's Rest Home For Elderly Gags And Ancient Jests, but I'm afraid it happens to all of us at one time or another. I too recently lost a faithful, depended upon old joke a few months ago.
    Why has Dumbo got Big Ears?
    'Cos Noddy won't pay the ransom! Ed

HUNKY DORY
I would like to point out the severe sexual discrimination in your publication. How many times have we seen pictures of the YS 'hunks' (I've seen better hunk's in a tin of Fray Bentos), (I'm inclined to agree with you. Ed), for the 'adoring' women readership? But when one of us males asks for a little piccie of yourself, Rachael Smith or another of the female production team, what do we get? Nothing!! (except a load of excuses that wouldn't even fool an English teacher.) So please, let's have a few pictures of you lot (and from the list on page 92, there seems to be quite a lot of you), maybe even a pullout poster?
Mark Owen
Ffestiniog, Gwynedd.

I posed for the cover photo last month, what more do you want? And don't let that lot on page 92 fool you. Most of those people are friends of the plumber who'll do anything to see their name in print. Anyway here's a pic of the Three Centigrades to keep you happy! But not too happy, mind. Ed

TROUBLE IN FIFE
Frontlines is good, Future Shocks is good, reviews are excellent. But (and this is a big BUT - see!), why do you always assume that your readership consists only of the under-16s? I am nearly 30! I thoroughly enjoy your mag, from cover to cover (and inside too!).
    Please, please, PLEASE remember us older types (over 20, under a ton), who enjoy your humorous mag. Neglect us again and I'll tell my mum!! Sob!!
A T Green
Glenrothes, Fife.

I'm sorry if you feel neglected We do try to aim the magazine at all ages, but the majority of our readers are around 16, and I don't think free bottles of hair restorer on the cover would go down very well with most of them. Glad you like the mag though! Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD WALTON EARTH?. I'm writing to warn of a new and terrible threat that is spreading like wildfire across the northeast of England - Trainspotter recruitment. Enclosed is a photograph of a Trainspotter with a new recruit (although note that the recruit has not yet reached a high enough rank to wear the coveted National Health spectacles). I am desperate, I need your help to rid the world of this plague before it goes too far, i.e. Margate. A Walton Ferryhill, Co Durham. PS Please excuse shaky handwriting, as I can't see very well with these National Health specs on. Now, where did I put that Vic-20? Crikey, things are getting quite bad aren't they. How could this sort of thing happen to one so young? I'll be interested to find out how far this epidemic has spread. Ed

RINKY KINKY
I think you're dead cruel! I asked for a picture of Phil South (worrahunk), and all you printed was a photo of a teddy bear. I mean, you printed a picture of that gross Darrell for Claire Terry.
    Anyway, here are a few questions for Phil. How old is he? Does he like the Pet Shop Boys? Do his socks smell as bad as my brother's? What does he do in his spare time?
    So this time print a piccy of him. And Claire Terry, he ain't too ugly to be anyone's idol, so bleughh to you. Remember Phil, I think you're dead kinky.
Vicki Green
Wareham, Dorset.

Phil is sixteen years old, hates the Pet Shop Boys and doesn't wear socks. And anyway, do they smell as bad as your brother's what? He 'noodles about with implements in his spare time,' so he tells us, which means he eats a lot. I think you're a little strange if you think Phil's dead kinky, but here's a delicious beefcake (Yum yum! Phil) picture of the hunk himself. Ed

THE REAL McEVOY
I was reading this month's issue of your megamag (issue 1), and was wondering how long it takes for a letter to be published.
Guy McEvoy
Penrith, Cumbria.
PS My entry for Kindly Leave The Stage: In 1724 the Irish invented the toilet seat. In 1725 the English put a hole in it.

It takes <====this long====> for a letter to be published. Ed PS Funny how the English took a year to notice!!!!

APRIL FOOL
Okay then, who was the div who thought that we would fall for that awful April Fool joke that was so bad that I am not even going to bother mentioning it? We're not all Vic-20 owners you know!
Mark Franks
Sutton Coldfield,
W. Midlands.
PS Could you please tell me where I can buy Advanced Lawnmower Simulator by Gardensoft?

Glad to hear it! Sorry about the April Fool joke, we thought most of you would get it. You can purchase the Advanced Lawnmower Simulator direct from Gardensoft at Kew Gardens Ltd, London. Ed

PRICELESS
Have you noticed what great value Your Sinclair is? It used to cost "£'1" but now it costs "Still only £1."
Robert A Wilkins
Llangunnor, Carmarthen.

Except this month, when it costs £1.50. But that does include the People From Sirius, remember. What other mag gives you an entire race of extra-terrestrials for only 50p? Ed

NO RHYME OR REASON
I was shocked and stunned when I read "AKA" Jim Shine's insulting letter in February's edition of YS. What does AKA stand for - Art Killers Anonymous? His letter was a cheap shot at me personally, and the Irish language also. Even a complete moron knows that many Irish words carry two independent meanings and he deliberately abused this fact to mislead you. As Keats once said, "If one has no heart, one cannot write for the masses."
    As a result of Shine's vile accusations, I have lost my poetic heart.
Ciontaigh O Cialla
Corryblusk, Co Cork.

I'm sorry you've lost your poetic heart. Can you remember where you left it? I'm sure Jim Shine didn't mean to insult the Irish language - just you! And anyway you of all people should know that the English language carries two meanings too, and what Jim actually said was that he thought you were sure to be the next Poet Laureate. Ed
    

SMALL PRINT I dare you to fit my name and town on one line in the Small Print column. Philip Michaelson-Yeates, Westcliff-on-Sea. He who dares, wins! Ed Get involved in some real Dutch cheese! Marco jurrlens Doesburg, Holland. I once became heavily involved with a Gouda but the relationship curdled and didn't go my whey! Ed Please print a picture of a hedgehog, just to prove that I'd move heaven and earth for Lisa... Rob Moorman Plymouth. ...Or that you're a bit of a prickly pair! Ed I'd just like to ask if Tracey Hughes will go out with me? Horness Spencer. With a name like that, I bet she won't! Ed This page was ripped out of my maths book. Mark Middleton Burton-on-Trent. Pi R Squared to you and all! Ed Could I have a signed photo of the crew? A Whapham. Okay, okay! Ed Please print this on the letters page. Brendan Crawford Westport, Co Mayo. Why? Ed

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE And from the Joke Morgue this month...          Q: What do you have if you've got one green ball in one hand and another green ball in the other hand?     A: Total control over the Jolly Green Giant.     Vicki Green.          Q: What do you call a woman with one leg longer than the other?     A: Eileen.     Michael Rose.          Did you hear about the three Irishmen who sat on the floor?     One fell off!     Steven Scott.          Q: What's pink and hard?     A: A pig with a flick-knife!     Michael Skene.

DESERT ISLAND DISKS This will be the last Disker for a while (sob, boo, hoo, call the National Guard), but we're going out with a goodie, from one T Bear, from Kendal in Cumbria. With those glasses, perhaps 'T' stands for Trainspotter... ?     Gryzor/Ocean Zap, pow! Terrific. Similar to Green Beret but light years better. There's enough here to knock the stuff out of you.     Elite/Firebird Ye olde favourite game. Came out years ago, but still in a class of its own. With its superb combination of combat and trading skills, you just keep coming back for more.     Match Day II/Ocean Errr, remarkable achievement in football simulation. With both league and cup games it gives hours of unlimited fun. This game's in a league of its own. Geddit? Haw, haw.     Silent Service/Microprose Fire torpedoes one and two. Aye aye Cap'n. No sub standard game here. It's well worth reading the massive instruction booklet to play this fine simulation, based in WW2 Pacific waters.     Worm In Paradise/Level 9 Nice tough adventure to rack your brains on after your evening nap. More complex than a bowl of spaghetti, but heaps of fun.     Through The Trap Door/Piranha A great sequel to Trap Door based on the hilarious children's TV series. I just lurve the large detailed graphics, like Berk's eyes spinning when he falls.     Batty/Elite Best thing since battered fish. Worra game. This keeps me going for hours, even though I'm useless at it. Promoted by a superb magazine (grovel, grovel).     OutRun/US Gold Broom, broom, vroooomm! Belting along in my Ferrari with the wind blowing through my fur, watching the scenery fly by. This game is brill, a superb conversion from the arcade game.          And that's it from Desert Island Disks. Next month we'll be publishing the final Diskers chart, with the all-time faves of everyone who's ever written in to the column. Yes, everyone! Cripes!

Doodlebugs