UNDERTAKERS LIB
It has been brought to our notice that certain members of your staff have been attending quite a few of our funeral ceremonies recently. We do not mind this, nor do we object to them cheering, as they usually do, when the deceased is being lowered into the ground. The throwing of crisp packets and beer cans at the priest as he reads the last rites is also acceptable.
    What does annoy us, however, is when your staff break our few and very simple rules, as follows:
    1. Do not rest your drink at the wake on the deceased.
    2. Do not attend the funeral straight from work if you are employed by the Tarzanagram company.
    3. Do not use stilts to get a better view of the ceremony.
    4. Do not, at the reading of the rites, play with your Frisbee, or anything else for that matter.
    5. Do not slip the organist a fiver saying that the deceased's favourite music was 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.'
    6. Do not try to cheer up the mourners with a hand-puppet of the deceased.
    7. Do not send your condolences to the grieving families via Bellydancergram Inc.
    8. Do not use the pall as a handkerchief.
    9. Do not attend open air funeral services in a hot air balloon.
    10. Do not wear your Sony Walkman if you are one of the coffin-bearers.
    Thank you for your co-operation, and we look forward to burying you in the future.
Rick R Mortice and Lee
Morgue
Gravesend

You can't play frisbee with a budgie! Ed

BANANAS
Several small but nonetheless important points:
    1. Regarding Play For Your Life. Good grief! How low can you get? A truly tedious unplayable game if ever l saw one.
    2. Jon Denver, don't even think about working for YS when you can work for me for only £50 a week - a bargain.
    3. If you must send me a badge, could I have a banana-flavoured one please?
    4. If I say a rude word or suggest a less than proper act (Eh? Ed) does this guarantee me publication (as 20 percent of March's letters contained such things)?
    5. Why not print ALL competition coupons on the reverse side of adverts so I don't have to fiddle with a photocopier or shred an article when I enter them?
    6. Instead of a badge, gloriously displaying the superb YS logo in magnificent colour, the pride of any Speccy loving reader (Yes, yes get on with it. Ed), could I have a boring old PLUS D interface, with printer and disk drive? My heart's not what it used to be - all the excitement of receiving a badge might be too much.
    How many is several? Six'll do, anyhow.
Andy Bentley
Newport, Isle of Wight

1. You obviously wouldn't know a good game if it came up and bit you. What do you think of this month's exclusive cover game? 2. No comment. 3. I'm afraid we've run out of banana - will kumquat flavour do? 4. We're printing your letter so the answer's obvious. 5. I'm afraid we can't always print competitions on the back of adverts because of where the colour pages fall in the mag. 6. No! Your badge is on its way! Ed

OH NO NOT AGAIN
I have been so incensed by an article in the February issue of Your Sinclair that I would like this complaint noted.
    My son is an avid computer player and buys several computer magazines, and I have never felt that I need check the contents of these magazines. But whilst reading the Letters page in the February issue, I found the article titled Star Perv most distressing. This type of smut one would expect to read in the more seedier magazines which are mainly displayed on the top shelves of newsagents out of the reach of younger readers, and which I would certainly not have in my home. Do you realise that children of the age of 10/11 years old buy this magazine?
    Could you explain to me what relevance your attire has to do with computers? I found your reply just as disturbing as that awful letter. Innuendos such as were printed, I can do without having to explain to my son. Does it mean that the filthier the letter, the more chance of having it printed or receiving a free game?
N McHarg (Mrs)
Glasgow

Certainly not! The whole point of innuendos is that older readers who understand such things will get the joke, whereas younger ones will not even realise there is a joke. I'm sorry you were offended - but if your son didn't understand, there was nothing to explain. The magazine is aimed at a slightly older age group, though I'm aware younger children read it, which is why we don't print anything explicit. Ed

DEAR MARJE
I am writing to you hoping you will be an agony aunt. You see it started about three years ago. First one friend, then another succumbed and eventually I was surrounded.
    In mid-September 1985 I took my first train number, and it didn't stop there. It gained momentum; I was busy with my pad and pen all the way from Lincoln Central to Kings Cross, frantically scribbling numbers of class 37s, 47s, 31s and more as they sped through Peterborough at 100mph.
    I have tried everything to stop this dangerous disease, and computers have helped but I'm still not rid of this terrible affliction. I ask myself: why me? You are my only hope. Hear my plea.
    31267, 61238, 38061 (at Doncaster open day). Could you endure such torture?
Karl Bunyan
Longworth, Lincoln

You've really gone off the rails, haven't you dear? I'm afraid you're past help now that you've entered the latter stages of this progressive disease, commonly known as Thomastankitis. The only advice I can give is to turn to Street Life and have a look at the Top Ten Trainspotting Stations. At least then you'll be able to meet people of your own age, even if they do talk about sleepers, bogeys and Casey Jones. Ed

PISCES AGAIN!
Would you please send me or print the hex dump for Simon Hobbs' MegaText, as I have a large lump of salmon spread on mine, making it unreadable. Either that or put me in touch with Hobbsy! I am very poor so can ill afford the enclosed £20 bribe, and therefore cannot send a sae. But if you print this you can look forward to my sub (nuclear, of course). My three fave games are Inside Outing, OutRun and The Sentinel (big hint).
Tony Allen
Poole, Dorset

Sounds a bit fishy to me! Luckily for you Phil just happens to have a copy of Simon's hex dump, even though his is covered in peanut butter and chocolate spread. Still the hex dump's okay! Anyway we'll be sending you a copy forthwith. Ed

ESTHER RANSOM

I won't be bribed. This isn't the Star letter so ner! That's life I'm afraid! Ed

HATSTAND, FORSOOTH?
Whilst strolling through the dark forests of absolute nothingness, I discovered a rectangular formation on the sodden floor.
    I clasped this object in my hand and studied it for a while. Written in daft runes were the words "There is a cornfield situated at Layer-de-la-Haye." These words confused me and I sat on a conveniently positioned guitar string. Once I had plucked up the courage to move on, I came to a bridge where a man of gnome-like origins snorted and sniffed.
    "Tickets please...!" were his undeveloped words. I gave him a piece of cheesecake and said, "Are you a member of the Continuous Noise Through The Night Society?" The man disappeared in a puff of confessions, and I aborted this letter.
The Kloque
Chelmsford, Essex

Are you all on a boat trip or something? I've heard pilchards enjoy the fjords in spring but only if accompanied by a clown playing a mandarin. But give me banana souffle on a paddle boat in Cleethorpes, and I'll never sing 'Ma He's Making Eyes At Me Again!' Ed

DIDDUMS
I have just read in the March edition, the winners of the Moley Christmas competition. Well, I don't win many (if any) competitions, but when I read that only seven people had completed the game and I wasn't one of them, I became furious.
    You said you only had seven correct entries. Well, why wasn't I mentioned? I completed the game and sent it in way before 9th December. I even described the Christmas tree and the message 'Merry Christmas from Monty Mole.' So please can I have three games like the other runners-up?
B Swinscoe
Plymouth, Devon

Wrong again, I'm afraid, Mr Swinscoe (or can I call you B?). We had rather more than seven entries - hundreds, in fact. But prizes were only given to the first seven entries we received, all of which arrived on 9th December. If you did send yours in way before 9th December, your ESP powers must be remarkable, as the mag was not on the streets until 7th December. Even so, your entry hadn't come in by then, so tough titty, me old mate. Marcus But you can have a YS Badge. Ed

THE TERMINATOR
Recently I went to the ZX Microfair in Victoria, London. I went mainly to buy games, but luckily I stumbled across your stall. When I got there you were showing Batty as featured on your brill mag. You were using a grenade-style joystick, and ever since I saw it I have been trying to find one the same, with no luck. Please, will you tell me where it came from and how much it cost. Thank you.
William Austin
Ross-on-Wye,
Herefordshire

Anything to oblige. This rather daunting looking joystick is called The Terminator and you can get it from Robtek, priced at £19.95. Ed

JIM'LL FIX IT
Dear Jim,
    Please could you fix it for me to have a letter printed in Your Sinclair magazine.
    Thank you very much.
Richard Pelley
(age 2 1/2)
Westbury-on-Trym, Bristol

Now then, now then, now then. Aren't you a clever little lad for a two year old. I could fix it for you to read the six o'clock Russian news, have a weekend away at Buckingham Palace or go to the moon, but I'm afraid I can't fix it for you to get a letter printed in Your Sinclair. Jimmy Saville Yowser, yowser, yowser. But I can! Ed PS I can also fix it for Jim to have a new wig.

PRICELESS
I am writing to thank you for the brilliant badge you gave away in the February issue. I will look forward to the next edition so I can get the next token.
    But why did you put on the Feb issue 'Still only £1'? Is YS going up in price? I should hope not. It takes me two weeks pocket money to buy it.
Francis McMillan
Carsock, Castle Douglas

We put on the Feb issue that YS is still only £1 because some other Spectrum mags have increased their price. But rest assured, we won't be going up in price as far as I know. Although, as you've probably noticed, this issue is £1.50 but that's 'cos we've got a mega-amazing tape on the cover. Ed

STAR LETTER PRIZELESS Whatever you do, don't give the Star Letter winner any games. Richard Pelley Westbury-On-Trym, Bristol I won't. Ed

IT'S DEAD JIM
Just a letter wondering when Star Trek is out as I was one of the YS Star Trek compo winners! Will it ever be out? (By the way, YS is brill! Keep the free gifts flooding in!)
Stephen Henstead
Wigan, Lancs

Firebird cannae take it any longer. All these jokes about Star Trek (snigger, snigger) are just too much! It's highly illogical to expect it in the next four light years, although I've opened all hailing frequencies and word is that it has got as far as the ST. Sorry about the wait you've had for your prize - Firebird will be sending you alternative games very soon! Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD TIME FOR BED I claim the Trainspotter's Award. In issue 26 (Feb), on page 61 is the subs page. In the small bit of writing about Rastan Saga it says the coin-op's by Sega while it's by Taito. It's even printed in the picture and the advert! Now I'm not blaming you, Ed of all Eds, but could you get your staff to either (1) go to bed earlier, or (2) do something called reasurch (sic). Chris Pieri Sheppey, Kent I'll eat Ermintrude if my name ain't Zebedee! You are absolutely right Rastan Saga is indeed by Sega, sorry Taito. I've decided to make the staff go to bed early 'cos I don't know what reasurch is. Ed SPROUTFUL? March ish... page 72... Jet Bike Sim... Tony (Lorra Laffs) Warrail... "Like motor boats without wheels"... Huh...? Funny farm... Trainspotter Award... Nuff said... Andrew Lyons (alias Vermin The Sprout) Hanwell, London For the life of me I haven't the faintest idea what you're drivelling on about. But since greens are good for you I'm sending you a Trainspotter Award anyway. Ed

KISS ME KATE
SEX!! Right, now I've got you listening, I want to ask you a question. WHERE DID YOU FIND HIM? I'm talking of course (of course), about John 'Stonking' Minson. How old is he? Is he married? Have you got any piccies of him actually smiling? Will you print them? Can you read my writing? What's his address? I've sent him a little something - I had to guess at the size, because I don't know what size he needs, but if you'll let me, I'll come up to Castle Rathbone and find out!
Katy Sheppard
Ebbw Vale, Gwent

Sorry, did somebody say something? John Minson is in fact married, to his work, he never smiles (no teeth you know), he's 48 and he lives in Hyde Park. I'm afraid I've no idea what the 'little' something you sent him is. Is it a pencil top? Or maybe a nose warmer? Whatever it is, I don't think you should come up to Castle Rathbone just yet, as John is rather excitable. Perhaps he could send you his measurements on the back of a postage stamp. Ed

WOLLOP
Bubble, bobble, bang, wallop, kerrash! Oh no, not again. I've already changed it once, but this Bubble Bobble keeps crashing on me. Once upon a time a friend of mine (no free advertising in this mag), managed to get 56213110 just before it crashed. My theory is that the trajectoral hypopressurised glutoniser lacks photonic gravintentional forces of the cirris cylus category, in short the tape heads need a clean. Could this be true?
    Ha! and my brother thought I wouldn't be able to write this letter without mentioning Sam (Wahay!) Fox.
Dr Damten Scullion
BA MA PhD
Ballymena, Co Antrim

Well, he was right wasn't he. Sound like the tape heads need a detoxifiction of oxidising ferrous deposits to me! Ed

GOT THE HUMPH!
After looking through your magazine, seeing what game I could buy my computer mad nephew for his birthday, I came across your so-called funny T'zer's Top Ten Cold Things, number six being the late great James Dean. Ho bleedin' ho! And then to say "It's worse than that, you're dead, Jim." Really funny, I thought it was a bit sick, it shows some magazines have to go to low depths. I suppose it is because the writer is jealous of all the fame James Dean has had all this time. I suppose you all think Arnold Schwarzenegger is a good actor - ha! James Dean has by far more talent in his little toe than all the boring macho men have put together.
    I am only 27, but l have been a fan of James Dean for 14 years, and I think your magazine sank to the level of the so-called car of your namesake the Sinclair C5. &%$£! If I offend you with my swearing, I'm sorry, but all you trendy boffins offend me.
Joseph Humphreys
Tuebrook, Liverpool

Oo-er! Who rattled your cage?! I happen to think James Dean was very talented too - in fact I wouldn't stoop as low as to mention Arnold Schwarzenegger in the same breath. The best thing about Jimbo was surely his sense of humour. It's a pity you haven't tried to emulate your hero a little more on that score. Ed

CITY BLUES
Help! I'm trying to find a computer game (or similar) about the stock exchange, but I can't find one anywhere. I did hear of one around but haven't been able to find it. Please tell me if you know of one, so I can rest easy.
Lenny Prentice
Hemel Hempstead, Herts

Crumbs! You have got pretty severe problems - you can get professional counselling for a problem like this, you know. I really don't think I should be fuelling your paranoid psychosis by telling you if there's a program on the stock exchange. I mean, are you some sort of Merchant Banker or something? Anyway if any readers out there know of one (or happen to have a straight jacket handy) then drop me a line. Ed

WORRA BUG
Imagine my reaction when after waiting over a year for Dark Sceptre to finally arrive, upon loading and playing it, I find it has more bugs than a flea circus.
Disappointed of Solihull
PS I think that saucy minx T'zer has nice thighs.

I'm sorry you were disappointed with Dark Sceptre, especially as you were obviously itching (itch, flea? Geddit?) to play it. And thank you for your compliment - my eyes (don't worry about the lisp) are my best feature. Ed
    

SMALL PRINT Anybody that sends in a Small Print must be a cretin. John Thomas Swansea I quite agree. Ed PS Confucius say: I'm pink, therefore I'm spam. Adam Grice-Roberts Blackpool Snouty say: That was Rene Descartes, you big waz. Ed PS I can't stand big words. Urgh! Urgh! Urgh! Aargh! Jon 'Pom" Pincks Shirley What big word? And don't call me Shirley. Ed If you don't receive this letter could you write and let me know. Paul Stevens Walthamstow Well, there's no sign of it so far. Ed

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE Ay say, ay say, ay say, what do yew call a dog with no nose? While you're wrestling with this little conundrum, here's this month's selection of terminally crap jokes, courtesy of YS readers...          Q: Which Russian premier was a leper?     A: Andropov!          Q: What did the radio listener say when the DJ blew his nose?     A: "That's mucus to my ears."          Q: What do you do with 365 condoms?     A: Make them into a tyre and call it a Goodyear!          Very droll. Thanks to Paul Jones, the ubiquitous (Eh? Ed) Robert Wilkins and Vermin The Sprout again for these pearls of gaggy wisdom.

DESERT ISLAND DISKS This month's disker is Kevin Hughes from Dalkeith in Midlothian. But who's C R Smith?     Exolon/Hewson Zap, zap, grenade!!! Blast those aliens to bits! Although a shoot 'em up, you have to plan your route from zone to zone. With 125 zones and plenty of things to kill, it's sure to keep you busy.     Renegade/Imagine Wham, barn, oof, whap! Yes folks it's Renegade. This is a classic game - do a flying kick at somebody, then the old left and right at the other bloke. This is violence on your computer at its best...     Pro-Golf/Atlantis A first class game for only £1.99. Choose the club, then the power, the direction and now swing your club.     Deathchase/Micromega This is a golden oldie but it's still a real megagame and I love it.     Starglider/Rainbird Get mucky!!! This game is first class with its ace sound and graphics. Beats Elite, Starion and other games easily.     Enduro Racer/Activision An excellent coin-op with great graphics and some lovely effects like going over the bumps. Although it's easy on the first few levels I still haven't managed to complete level five.     Monty On The Run and Auf Wiedersehen Monty/Gremlin Anybody who owns a computer and doesn't have a Monty game is a wally! Those who haven't, better get one soon 'cos Auf Wiedersehen Monty is the last one to be made. (Bar Moley Christmas... Ed)     Ping Pong/Imagine A fast and furious table tennis game with great music at the beginning.

Doodlebugs