STAR LETTER PLAYGIRL I was sitting on the bus the other day when from behind me I heard an outburst of giggles. I then realised everybody was looking at the cover of my YS (issue 25). Confused? So was I until someone let out an unrepeatable speech about me. I soon caught on. Everyone must have though! I was into porno mags for women. And do you know why? Because on the front was He-Man in full bondage costume. Guess who felt a right prat? Dan Craton Chelmsford, Essex Don't go blaming it on YS. It's no wonder they thought you were a pervert if you were sitting on a bus feeling a prat. What did the prat have to say about this - is what I'd like to know? Disgusting - I bet your copy of YS was embarrassed to be grasped in your grubby paws in full view of a coach party! Ed

KEEPING UP WITH THE JONES'
I've had enough. Although as a father of two I enjoy Christmas very much, after two weeks of returning faulty goods and consoling disappointed youngsters, enough is certainly enough. I am now totally convinced that quality control for a whole range of goods lies solely with the poor unfortunate consumer. My record this year is:
    a) Portable stereo, found faulty after 10 days, put into repair (no exchange after seven days) and subsequently lost. New unit currently okay, but it's early days yet.
    b) Three sets of laser guns with faulty triggers and lasers that don't laser. Cash refund on the way.
    c) Two alarm clocks that don't alarm. Scrap.
    d) A shiny new Sinclair +2 and numerous games, all of which are just not up to scratch.
    We are now on our third +2 and I am not convinced it is 100 percent sound. We've had problems with power units, interfaces, lack of memory and inability to load even the simplest of games. While all these 'problems' get sorted out eventually, I still spend time, petrol and effort running backwards and forwards to several shops - the one I originally bought it from is now out of stock!
    To add insult to injury, Boots is now selling +3 kits at £159.
    Who would be a parent?
J H Jones
Bexleyheath, Kent

Crumbs you have had a bit of bad luck. I've had the odd teasmade that's had a personality crisis and thought that it was a Robo Chef, but nothing like you. Still it's worth being a parent 'cos if you weren't you wouldn't have written in to YS and you wouldn't be getting a shiny new YS badge now would you? Ed

ON THE JOB
Geeza job.
Ross McGovern
Glasgow, Scotland

No! Ed

BLACK MAGIC
I hereby throw down the gauntlet and claim to be the first person to complete Mike Singleton's Dark Sceptre. I completed it at 4.50pm on January 5th. A reaper I had recruited killed Umbrarg's Reaper at Wimbal's Way on the 22nd day and took the Dark Sceptre. I was then greeted by a completion message and then an endless sequence of warriors paraded across the message from right to left.
    By the way, whatever happened to actually having to destroy the Dark Sceptre after gaining possession of it?
Scott G MacIntyre
Campbelltown, Argyll

I'm afraid I don't really know whether you're the first person to finish Dark Sceptre. Is anybody out there going to contend Scot's claim to fame? And while you're at it, does anybody know what did happen to having to destroy the Dark Sceptre? Ed

CHILE CON CARNAGE
Your free badge is the greatest thing since sliced Neighbours. I got the 'Oo-er' badge. Seeing as I come from Chile, this badge was seen as a blatent example of free expression and at 3am this morning the Chilean Secret police came for me. Which was odd 'cos I was in Lichenstein staying with my Uncle Hatstand at the time. Anyway, my end is near (oo-er) and at this very moment the chief executioner, a man named Phil 'my face with sarnies' Snouto is coming to put me in a gherkin, Kit-e-Kat and prisoner sandwich. Tatty bye!
Tom K Oticoyh
Norwich, Chile
PS Wagga wagga is Peruvian for wagga wagga.

I've never read such a pile of bats droppings since I last read Phil's Tipshop. And I also reckon that, though slicing up those Sheila's wearing slimline cozzies who throw up Fosters on the barby would be a good thing, it wouldn't beat our badges. Ed PS Is it cold in Chile?

OCH AYE
I'm sending a picture of my Haggis... oops! It's been eaten by my dog Max. Well, I've sent a copy of the picture anyway - the haggis is about halfway down Max's stomach.

Ralph Kelly
Glasgow, Scotland

Blimey he looks a bit fierce! And the dog doesn't look very docile either. Apart from that it's a totally useless piece of information. Ed

CHIROPODY TIPS
Here's a simple set of instructions for anyone with a Spectrum that's more than one year old. How to get your Spectrum working when there are two loose connections in the power lead:
    1. Switch on computer, to be confronted by a greyish-black screen.
    2. Check plugs and find everything is okay there.
    3. Wiggle lead going into Spectrum with no result.
    4. Wiggle lead coming out of power supply with no result again.
    5. Wiggle both at the same time and HEY PRESTO, IT WORKS!!
    6. Make important discovery that when you take your hands away, it switches itself off again.
    7. Have a cup of tea.
    8. Try to balance wires so that the computer works, which you manage after an hour. Then ten minutes later the cat jogs out the lead.
    9. Tape up both connections, with no result.
    10. Swear at computer.
    11. Throw computer into box, breaking it further so it definitely won't work.
    12. Go round to your friend's house and play on his computer.
    13. Repeat process until you've saved enough money to get a replacement.
Karl Bunyan
Longworth, Lincoln
PS Donations will be accepted for a new power supply.

I don't wish to be pedantic, but wouldn't it be easier to send it off for repair in the first place? Ed

BADGER SET
While I was stapling my cat to the wall I heard a knock at the door. T'was the postyman. He handed me a small package (s'funny, I hadn't opened the door). Scribbled upon this parcel was, (logically) my address. And inside it was... yes! A YS badge. Trouble is, I've already got one. So I thought maybe you could send me another couple of badges for this letter.
Piggy 'US Marine' Shaw
Ivybridge, Devon

Talk about badgering us for things. Two superb YS badges should be enough for anyone. But as I'm feeling rather kind, I'll send you another one to complete the hat trick. Now that's your lot! Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD FINGER LICKIN' Here's a shocking thought! While reading your cool, excellent and well-crucial review of Masters Of The Universe, I decided to look closely at the cover illustration. Shock! Horror! He-Man's deformed! If you look at his left hand you'll see that he's got five knuckles, excluding the thumb. I hereby claim the Trainspotter Award. Also while reading the Jan issue letters, I noticed you spelt 'raisonable' wrong in the answer to Claire Terry's letter - it should've been reasonable. So ner! Steve Higton Cowes, Isle Of Wight With a name like Dolph it's not surprising he's deformed - he probably thinks he's a GTi. So for that observation you get a Trainspotter Award. But as for your comments about the spelling of reasonable, if you'd read the letter properly you would've twigged that it's a joke. Raisonable as in raison meaning Currant - current account. Geddit? Thought not. Maybe it's just a fig-ment of my imagination or you're out of date. Ed DAS CLEVER DICKEN a) In your December issue your new contributor John Minson wrote "... Clever and Smart is based on a German comic strip..." and in the Jan issue I read "... zese are kharakters from a Deutsch Komikstrip...". Sorry, but you're wrong. Clever and Smart are Spanish characters, created by a cartoonist called Francisco Ibanez. The comic was exported to other countries, including Germany, but it's not Deutsch. The names of the characters here are "Mortadelo y Filemon".     b) In the January issue, in his review of Piranha's Through The Trap Door, Richard Blaine made the same mistake three times. Don Priestly didn't write it. Don Priestley did. You've got two options. Choose one and then send me my Trainspotter Award please. Jaime Cristobal Pamplona, Spain Erm... I'm not quite sure what my options are. So I'll send you a Trainspotter Award anyway. Ed

THE GREAT VIZ DEBATE - continued

VIZ IS IT I have just read your magazine and the great Viz debate and I thought that no debate is a debate without me in it. I thought Viz was brilliant and so did the rest of the family, and as for the bit about it not being suitable for people under 16 - I would say it would be better if it was not allowed to anyone under 13. Alan Truman Plymouth As with most things in life some people objected to Viz, but at least it gave some people like yourself something to chortle at. Glad you liked it. Ed. SNYDER REMARKS For some years now I have enjoyed reading Your Spectrum/Sinclair and have been amused by the double entendre frequently found therein - innocent to young readers and a laugh to older ones.     However, when literature of the nature of Viz is sent to me, I wonder if my subscription is well spent. As an expectant father, I do not wish to be put in the position, in a few years' time, of having to explain to my child that what appears to be a comic is not suitable for his/her eyes.     I therefore feel that, with regret, I must not renew my subscription. I return Viz to you as I no longer wish to have this pernicious trash in my home.     I should like to point out that your assurances that nothing of this nature will be sent out with YS in future would regain my subscription. Your observations would be appreciated. Mark Syder Prescot, Merseyside As I've already said we stand by our decision to give Viz away with YS. Having said that, I appreciate that the humour isn't everyone's cup of tea and I'm sorry if you were offended. It is a shame that you're cancelling your subscription when we will be offering other cover mounted cassettes and freebies in the future. We won't be putting Viz with any future issues mainly because we like to do something different with each promotion. Ed As a 34 year old mother of a nine year old son I have to say that it was totally out of order (British Telecom) for Viz to be given away with your otherwise excellent magazine.     I accept your comments as to the everyday language and contents of TV programmes to which our children are subjected to, but I don't think that's an excuse for you to follow suit.     My son is aware that bad language exists but I teach him that such words and deeds are only applicable to illiterate hooligans and louts who will, no doubt, come to a disastrous end.     I don't feel it too much to ask that you exercise some degree of responsibility when you aim at a young market. I look forward to an increased awareness of your responsibilities in the future. Please stick to what you do well - I also think you should send my son a badge in compensation. Gill Harris Westcliff, Essex I appreciate that some parents were offended by the contents of Viz and take your point that it is important to exercise responsibility in what should go in a magazine aimed at the young. I would defend that we felt we had done that, since the Viz we gave away was cleaned up considerably. I also feel that a few lavatorial jokes are far less offensive than some of the mindless, bloody violence that children can see on TV even in the early evening. Still you have my assurance that we are responsible in deciding what goes in (and with) an issue and your comments are obviously helpful. Ed

LOVE IS...
I regularly buy YS and am considering subscribing, so that I may get a brilliant free full price game. However, I am unfortunate enough to have a +3. Would you consider offering disks? I'd be very grateful and just might send you a Valentine's card!!
Farhad Islam
Didsbury, Manchester
PS If the answer is no, then just send me a Multiface 3.

I'll do anything for a Valentine's card but I can't promise any +3 disks for subscribers. But maybe when there are a few more +3 games to choose from we'll be able to sort something out. Meanwhile, you can play 48 and 128K tapes on your +3. All you need is a Y shaped lead with a stereo micro jack on one end and two mono ones on the other to connect up a tape recorder. Ed

PLAYAWAY
Bang your heads against a wall and think about this one. Other mags, such as C&VG (spit, curse, etc) have a PBM section and you don't! I'm sure other people write in wanting a PBM section, so why not listen to us? I'm sure good ol' Mike Gerrard wouldn't object.
K Adamson
Sandwick, Shetland

Mike Gerrard wouldn't object to anything, especially Pretty Blonde Maidens which I assume is what PBM stands for. But it just so happens that we've a special PBM feature next month. If you like it and want to see more drop us a line and tell us. Ed

BALOOKI!
Please could you explain why you keep on referring to people as 'completely hatstand'. What does this mean? Perhaps you could enclose a glossary at the back of the magazine.
Robert Wilkins
Llangunnor, Carmarthen

To help you through this issue of YS, Robert, here are some excerpts from the L Ron Hatstand Guide To Spectrology:
    bozzy (boh-zee) adj. Meritorious, good, of great worth.
    wazz (whaz) n. A person of limited knowledge. (orig. Diminutive of wazzock, North English term of derision)
    corky (kaw-kee) adj. Spanking, ripping or generally tophole.
    wagga wagga (wah-ger wah-ger) interj. Loosely - 'What ho! this is rather good!'
    hatstand (hat-stand) n. 1. A frame or pole equipped with hooks or arms for hanging up hats, coats, etc. 2. Adj. Slang a person who exhibits irrational behaviour. (orig. Roger Irrelevant, Viz comic 1987)
    Okay? Phil

NEAVE IT AHT!
I've got three questions to ask you -
    1. How do you kneel on someone in Renegade?
    2. Why is your brill mag so good?
    3. Why does everyone pick on Phil South and say he eats a lot, when he's really very cute?
Julie Neave
Blyth, Northumberland

In answer to your three questions: 1. I don't know why you want to kneel on someone in Renegade, it's more fun to kick 'em from standing to knock them down and then to crouch and belt 'em one. 2. I can only think of one reason why YS is so good - it's got all you lot reading it and us lot writing it. 3. Phil is what you call a scapegoat - or he would be if he hadn't eaten it! Ed
    

SMALL PRINT Did you know you have nice teeth? Pasi Pirttlaho Oulu, Finland And you've got nice eyes too! Ed Was Phil born mad or has he practiced? Barry Holland Middlewich I'm afraid it's a congenital defect, though he does practice putting on the straight jacket. Ed Me and my girlfriend Clare always play it and once I scored 721507. Is that a record? Paul Forbes Streatham, London I don't know what you're talking about and I don't think I want to know either. So I've no idea if it's a record. Ed Please will you marry me. Chris Pieri, Sheppey Who do you mean? Phil? Darrell? Marcus? Or me? Ed

THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF SPECCY Every month, we invite readers from overseas to write in and tell us all about the wide world of Speccy playing.     Or something like that... Hello I'm Kastrol (Wim Castermans) from Diepenbeek, Belgium. When I get a game, I like Uridium. Kastrol (RIP) PS Here is a picture of me and my brother. More of a barmpot than a plant I pot, methinks. It's that liquid engineering, if you ask me. Ed

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE Another shovelful of crap and totally banal jokes with an international smell this month thanks to Janne Harju from Finland and two Brits, E. Tomlinson and Simon Berrell. Please direct complaints c/o British Airways, Ingrams Drive, Redditch.          Q: How do you know when a lepers card game is over?     A: Someone throws in their hand!          Q: How can you tell the difference between male and female snowmen?     A: Snowballs!          Q: What is the unity between bat and a button? (sic)     A: They can't neither sing like Swiss's do! (sic again)          Guess who sent the last one! Probably lost something in translation, eh?

DESERT ISLAND DISKS Welcome to Steven Leicester as this month's Desert Island Disker. Rescue is on its way 'cos he's chosen his fave eight games. Take it away Steve.     Sabateur II/Durell Vrrooom... revving away on motorbikes, 10 foot tall androids, panthers and lifts make this a triff game. Well done Durell for an ace tonic for my Speccy.     Future Games/Mastertronic Good game with events like Hairy Meanoids Spheres, blast 'em up and the Link. A highly underrated game that I reckon is one of Mastertronic's best releases.     Batty/Elite I stood back in amazement when you stuck this on the cover. It certainly drove me batty - I'm still recovering. Arrrrgggggggh!     Stormbringer/MAD Tremendous graphics and animation in this one. The windimation is a delight to use even though I found the game very difficult. Solution anyone?     Auf Widersehen Monty/Gremlin I just lurve Monty doing his ballet and leaps all over the screen. Collecting cheques and air tickets, avoiding aliens. Worra game!     Split Personalities/Domark Gormless Maggie, Sir Clive, Di and Charles are all captured in great graphics. Bombs, Taps and Matches all add to the wild and wacky atmosphere.     Marble Madness/Melbourne House Damn, I've just fallen off the edge again. Good Speccy conversion, well worthy of the original arcade classic.     Jack The Nipper/Gremlin Me finks this game is gweat fun! Wreaking havoc all over the place to get the Naughtymeter up again to be the King of the Rascals.

Doodlebugs