WELL FANCY THAT
There are two reasons why I am writing this letter. First of all, I would like to say thank you for the free stickers which you gave away a long time ago, and secondly to say that you are a lifesaver. How is this, you might ask? Well, last Christmas my faithful Speccy broke down so I packed it away and sent it to Specialist Computer Repairs, and after about six weeks I got it back. Three days later it broke down again so back it went.
Well, as you know the company went bankrupt, and I didn't know my computer's serial number, but the only thing that saved it was one of the stickers that you gave away a long time ago.
Nigel Wakeling
Cwm Penmachno,
Gwynedd
I knew our stickers were good - but not that good! Lifesaving, eh? It makes me feel all warm inside to think that a YS gift should breathe life into a poor ailing Speccy! Hope the cover mounted games came in just as useful. Maybe you could stick them together and make a lifeboat. Ed WELL USEFUL
Here's a useful tip for +3 owners. A 0.1 mfd capacitor across the Load jack will convert the input circuitry so that it'll work with any tape recorder. It's a pity that Amstrad couldn't afford the expense of a whole 10p to do this modification!
G A Bobker
Unsworth, Bury
Sounds like a well crucial tip there. But make sure you know what you're doing before you try this. And remember never attempt to fettle about in a Speccy's innards with the power switched on! Ed BOG RHYMES
How utterly pervgusting of you! I refer to December's Star Letter, ie the poem written in Irish. Obviously nobody in the YS offices can speak Irish (even Irish people have problems!) so I shall give you a loose (but fairly accurate) translation:
The wind is screaming through my hole(!!!)
Without stopping, without stopping.
(Do we want any more of this? Ed) ( YEAH! Rest of staff)
Your breast (oo-er!) is like a large mountain,
Your legs are like a boat.
Maybe you're not a ... (Right! Stop it there! Ed)
Note that the poet's grammar is dismal in places, so this translation was the best I could manage.
As a member of the People Who Are Worried About Increasing Perviness In YS, I shall haul you before the courts unless you immediately give this the Star Letter and denounce Ciontaigh O Cialla as a perv with bad grammar.
Stanley The Elk MBE (aka
Jim Shine)
Dungarvan, Co Waterford
I was shocked and stunned when I read your translation. Are you sure it's right? Ciontaigh may well be a perv with bad grammar but at least he's donated the games to a worthwhile cause. I'm afraid you don't get the Star Letter 'cos I don't want to encourage this sort of thing. Not only that, you might start translating YS! Ed SHELLY OR SHAN'T HE?
I was delighted to see that you gave me the Star Letter in the December issue. That was just one of my many poems from my new book, "Ciontaigh 0 Cialla's Love Poems".
Regarding my prize of three free games, I would like to donate them to a children's charity, as I can accept no material reward for my poetry.
Ciontaigh O Cialla
Carryblusk, Co Cork
After finding out what your poem said I wasn't going to send three games to you anyway. You should be ashamed of yourself you disgusting pervert. Thankfully nobody else knows what a truly indecent human being you really are. Still, at least the games are now going to a good cause. We'll send them to the NSPCC on your behalf. Ed OO-ER!
I'm writing this letter in my kitchen while my mum and sister are talking. (Believe me, it's awfully hard. )
Danny Kings
Hanley Swan, Worcester
Thank you Danny, but we didn't wish to know that - kindly leave the stage. Ed. HATSTAND
It's me again. What do you mean, Who? Who else writes in blood with a sea dart missile? Phil does? Oh... sorry... sniffle...
Call me Susan if you like, but T'zer is short for 'The Zer', an ancient poliographical megacure for zits. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me!
And behold, three bright lights materialized, and did hover over downtown Nazareth for two hours, and of course this proves conclusively that the only similarity between ZZ Top and the Zero Option is that they both have long hair... eh?
Je voudrais apologise pour cette v daft letter, but wot the hell, wot are you if you're not mad?
Captain Chaos
Burnley, Lancs
Wot indeed? I haven't the faintest idea what you're wittering on about but we were rather short of letters so we're putting it in anyway. Ed WORRA BERK
I think that 'the thing upstairs' in Trap Door is in fact our one and only Phil South. Two clues to this are 1) 'The thing upstairs' eats a lot, same as Phil, and 2) They're both fat and cuddly slobs.
Phil Houghton
Carlisle, Cumbria
I really think you're being totally unfair. 'The thing upstairs' couldn't possibly eat as much as Phil and I doubt he's as fat and cuddly. And anyway Phil doesn't work for a Berk. Ed POINT-LESS
I will get straight to the point, as I feel that a letter should always be right to the point with no beating about the bush so to speak - or write - so here it is - the point of the letter, that is (Get on with it. Ed).
I am a Vic 20 owner and am intending to send it to you bit by bit, piece by piece, if you don't send me a badge. I must warn you that I own a fair bit of software for the Vic, and having that sent to you in the post all the time is not a nice thing to happen, I can tell you. To prove my threat is real, I enclose a Vic 20 program, with the reminder that more will come if you don't do as I ask.
Stephen Bond
Plymouth, Devon
POKE 36878,10
FOR L=230 TO 128 STEP -1
POKE 36876, L
FOR M=1 TO 20
NEXT M
NEXT L
POKE 36876,0
POKE 36877,200
FOR L=15 TO 0 STEP -.05
POKE 36878,L
NEXT L
POKE 36877,0
Oh my God! Not the Vic 20 program please. Anything but that! Okay, okay, I'll send you a badge if you promise never to send me anything remotely Vic 20 like again. Ed SHORT CHANGED
I am utterly confounded with disbelief. I walked into the newsagents and grabbed my YS, and found I had forgotten about the free VIZ comic. As I bought a packet of crisps a cheeky sales woman suddenly said "Let me see your receipt." So I handed it over, and she took my YS away. Two minutes later she came back and said "I'm sorry but the mag with it is offensive and you are not allowed to have it."
If you had to be 18 to buy it, I demand a Trainspotter Award as this wasn't printed on the mag. If I was ripped off then I demand a free copy of VIZ immediately.
M Andrews
Radcliffe, Manchester
You're quite right, you do not have to be 18 to get a copy of VIZ. Unfortunately, some newsagents objected to VIZ, considering it vulgar, and so removed it from the magazine. I'm afraid the only way to get a copy is to buy a Back Issue as we don't have any here in the office. Ed ANNIE'S SONG
Sorry to be so bold, but do you have any jobs at Rathbone Place? Obviously I would pay for such a privilege. I'm sorry I can only afford to pay £100 a week but I have to buy important things like food.
Jon Denver
St Ives, Cornwall
You're hired! Has your singing career taken a turn for the worse then? I can't honestly say I'm surprised. Ed AAAHHH, STROARDINARY!
In the October edition of Your Sinclair, the review of Renegade got 9 and a megagame. In the November edition Draughts Genius by Rack-it got the same marks as Renegade and only got eight. Why is this?
David Coleman
Litherland, Liverpool
The TOTAL mark isn't worked out as an average of the other marks - it's just the reviewer's overall impression of the game. And as reviewers tend to mark differently (being different people) you often get what seem like contradictory marks. But it's still reasonable, I'd say, for both games to have the same graphics, playability, vfm and addictiveness marks, while Renegade is judged better, in the end, than Draughts Genius. That's really what the TOTAL mark is for. Marcus STAR LETTER
STICKY PROBLEM
As you know, in the past people have had trouble getting your free games off the mag. Until now, that is. I have developed a way of getting them off without tearing anything. So just follow these simple instructions:
1. Lift the cassette a centimetre off the cover.
2. Place your hands (make sure they're washed) under the tape.
3. Lift off the tape Slowly.
4. If it tears the mag, buy a new one and start again..
Tony Murphy
Killarney, Co Kerry
Brilliant! If we make the Sellatape even stickier you'll just have to go and buy loads of mags. I think your tip is so good that I'm sending you three bazzy games for being the Star Letter winner. Ed |
TRAINSPOTTER
AWARD |
OOH YOU TEES
I claim to be a trainspotter. Take a look at pages 70 and 71 of the December '87 issue, at the text for the T-shirt offer. "This is just what you need now that summer's on its way". Are you kidding?
Jerry Stathatos
Athens, Greece
No were not. As it's winter at the moment that means it isn't summer and since summer comes after winter every year by deduction this must mean that summer's on its way, So you don't actually qualify for a Trainspotter Award. Still, since you come from Greece it may still be summer for you so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and send you an award anyway Ed MERDE ALORS!
I claim a Trainspotter Award for spotting a word in the Compo Winners' section of the December edition, which I don't think should have been there. The word began with SH and, I hasten to add, ended with IT. It shouldn't have been there, should it?
Michael Bowen
Llandudno, Gwynedd
No, you're quite right it should actually have read spit. Ed |
| RAGING STORMS - TAKE COVER! | I recently purchased the December issue of YS. The mag's great but I don't know about the 'free' game on the front! How can you have the nerve to put out a game as bad as Play For Your Life? More like Plague Of Your Life. This game is totally hopeless! You can never tell where the ball actually is! You just cannot do 3D effects with this type of game! It does not work!
Another criticism - Road Race! I don't know how you can say that you 'ran me ragged'. I certainly didn't play the stupid pathetic lousy game more than once!
However, congratulations on Batty, Great! Now that is a game I have played more than once! Now I know you can do better than Road Race and Plague Of Your Life (oops, sorry), so keep up your good name (I always thought T'zer was a pretty silly name myself. Phil) and don't let yourself down!
Andrew Witt
Salisbury, Wilts (Does it?)
One out of three ain't bad! What are you moaning about? We give you three superb games at next to nothing and all you can do is complain. You could well have paid eight quid for a game that turns out to be worse. Anyway for your information some people found Play For Your Life and Road Race very stimulating! Ed Having received the December issue of your excellent mag and seen the cover game on the front, I just couldn't wait to get back home from school to read the mag and play the game.
Well, what a load of pitiful crap it was (the game, that is). While waiting for it to load I was thinking about the other games you've done, the best of the lot being Batty For Play For Your Life, though, I've compiled my own clapometer.
| NL CLAPOMETER | | Pathetic attempt to follow the excellent game Batty. Not at all addictive. | | | |
Nigel Lee
Dentons Green, St Helens
Thank your lucky stars that you enjoyed Batty. It seems that most people thought that was the best. But what about Moley Christmas - that's as brill as all the rest and certainly as much fun as Batty. Ed On your December issue of Your Sinclair you gave a free game. I was at first pleased but when I played it I found it was not terminally addictive but terminally crap.
Ian Parkinson
Enniskillen, Co
Fermanagh
Short but not so sweet! Okay so you didn't find Play For Your Life terminally addictive but there's no need to be rude! Ed |
GETTING TO THE POINT
I've been scrutinizing your mag's progress for the past couple of months, and I've got a few good points to put to you.
(1) Don't you think you went megagame mad in the January '88 ish? Out of the 25 reviews, 11 were megagames. I'm sure the reviewers got tiddly on the Christmas liquers!
(2) Do you intend to raise the price of YS, like other magazines I could mention? Crash!!! Oh dear, the cat's been Zzapped!!! (Very subtle. Ed)
(3) Your mag's strong and weak points. The letters page should be much longer. And the reviews are too short. Look at the Slaine review in January. Less than half a page was given to the game, yet you gave it a megagame status! Surely you could have moved the Basil review somewhere else in the mag so as to give Slaine a full page?
(4) Getting John Minson from Crash was sheer genius, as his column is an excellent read.
(5) I've run out of points.
(6) Goodbye.
John Hunt
Irvine, Ayrshire
(1) I agree. It's always tricky at that time of the year, as companies usually release their best stuff in the run-up to Christmas - and standards generally have gone up in the past year or two. Remember too that different reviewers have different enthusiasms. I myself wouldn't have given either Aliens US or Slaine a megagame, but Phil thought they were brill, so megagames they were.
(2) Not for the moment. We'll only go up in price when we need to.
(3) Well it all comes down to space, and we never have enough. We'd love four pages of letters each month, but there just ain't the room. It's the same with reviews. With Slaine, though, remember we did a double page preview on it a few months back which is why we didn't make too much of a hoohah about it this time around.
(4) Yup, I agree. (5) Seems so. (6) Bye. Marcus VITYMINS
Ouch, phew, fab! Wow, beasty, an intelligible thing, was it not? Moley Christmas or whatever it's called. It has ace 128 music, smart graphics and after half an hour I've got to level three. Here are my percentages:
Road Racer - 55% - okay.
Batty - 85% - Raz!
Play For Your Life - 65% - not too bad.
Moley Christmas - 88% - Ace.
So there you are, eh?
Vincent Vity
Morecambe, Lancs
Finally! A satisfied customer. Glad you liked our exclusive, extremely cheap to you John, games. Maybe we'll put another lab game on the cover in May just for you. Ed MODEST
Hi fans. Just a quick note requesting that you post all my fan mail to my secretary, unless of course you plan to donate to the "Tim is such a megastar that I will make him even richer than he already is" fund. In which case I will accept donations with gratitude.
Uncle Tim
Pulborough, W Sussex
I'm sure you will, Tim me old china. Please send your donations to us at the usual address and you never know, we may even post one or two of them on. (Or we may not!) Ed CYNICAL
It is now completely impossible to borrow a Speccy.
"Can I borrow your Speccy?"
"No."
See what I mean? Incredible.
Captain Chaos (again)
Seattle, Wash.
You poor crumpet! I suppose you want two badges for getting two letters printed. Bad luck! Ed BOING BOING
Whoopee! I couldn't believe it After reading YS I turned from a depressive teenager into a young boing boing of a happy trainspotter. Soothe me of my anxiety please T'zer, and tell me if I'm going mad! (You're going mad. Ed). Excuse me, I've got to catch a train! Woooo woooo, chuffa chuffa chuffa chuffa!
Jason Hodge
Linthwaite, Huddersfield
The reader now standing at platform 4 is the 4.30 service to Hatstand, via Loopy, Quirky, Interesting, Unusual and Bonkers. This service is well over three days late. Thank you... yibble yibble yibble... Ed 
SMALL PRINT You are very very beautiful, yum yum yum.
Barry Leigh, Ramford
Ten out of ten for observation. Ed The above statement is untrue - I just want to see my name in print!
Barry Leigh, Romford
How could you possibly see your name in print - you having a guide dog and all. Ed Who is Dweezil Zappa?
Claire Terry, Southampton
Search me! Ed How come ! never win your competifions?
Richard Marks, Manchester
Probably because you're a Mancunian! Ed Pootle Carbunkle is a pseudonym. Bet you didn't guess!
Pootle Carbunkle,
Huddersfield
Yes, of course I did. But what is a pseudonym? Ed Just the thought of T'zer covering my letter in editorial red ink sends a shiver down my spine!
Mark West, Wellingborough
It sends one down mine too. Ed |
KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE This month's crap jokes comes from Bill "Tarby" Morrison, Paul "Nick Nick" Thomas, and E "Brucie" Tomlinson. Gor lumme, they're bad!
Q: How does a squirrel keep its nuts dry?
A: It swims on its back!
Did you hear about the Irish woodworm? It was found dead in a brick!
Q: How many Commie 64 users does it take to paper a room?
A: Three if you slice them thin! |
DESERT ISLAND DISKS  Welcome Robert Collier, who looks a little young to be reading this incredibly grown-up and sophisticated magazine (hem hem). But although of tender years, he's already managed to squeeze a fair amount of gameplaying into his young life. Carry on...
Renegade/Imagine
A brilliant beat 'em up. The best bit is the crunching noise when you knee the baddies in the wedding tackle. Enough to bring tears to your eyes (Not to mention theirs. Ed).
Cobra/Ocean
Don't push him. He's gonna fall off that ledge or else. More mindless violence with the BIG man.
Down To Earth/Firebird
A neat Boulderdash clone. It's had me coming back for more time after time.
Turbo Esprit/Durell
Put your pedal to the metal and bust those dealers. A decent simulation. Quick, turn the corner! Blammo! Too late.
Batty/Elite It just had to be here, didn't it? The damn thing is so addictive. I've got to round six. Is that a record? No? Ah well.
Enduro Racer/Activision
Gibber gibber! Yabba yabba! It's brill, it's got great graphics and it's wheelie addictive! (Groan! Ed)
Wizball/Ocean
A wizard central character and a game which has lasting appeal. Don't make jokes about Wiz's pussy - it's very sensitive.
Barbarian/Palace
Guess what I bought this for? Yes, the game. (Poster? What poster?) Dice up your opponent and you'll win every time. I just love the little character in the nappy which kicks the heads off the screen. |
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