STAR PERV
I bought the November 87 issue of your magazine and it is fair to say that I am very disappointed with it. There were no naked women, no whips, no stimulating stories and no readers' wives. Instead, there was just a lot of highly amusing, entertaining and informative talk about computers, computer games and other computery things - though there was a comic called Viz which was very funny. I don't see how you can expect to compete with other titles such as Knave, Men Only, Fiesta and Sunday Sport with this approach.
    I suggest you rapidly change your content to feature more breasts, buttocks, tongues, whips and so on - the only people I can see buying your magazine are computer owners - so come on, pull your socks off (and the rest! ).
A Star Reader (slaver,
pant, bonk, bonk!)

I'm disgusted at your attitude. You're probably one of those rubber keyboard owners with a floppy one! If you want a seedy magazine full of filth and garbage go and buy...... And for your information I don't wear socks, I wear stockings with suspenders and a garter and... oo-er whatagiveaway! Ed

BIG EARS!
I was cleaning out all the black bits from between my toes with a ZX81 the other day, when I suddenly realised the answer to the ultimate question - how to become a star letter winner. It's really easy - all you have to do is follow these simple instructions...
    1. Complain about the price of YS: Groan, waffle, quid, drone, pound, blah.
    2. Talk about a cheat in a game: In Mastertronic's Jason's Gem, pressing A, S and W at the same time on the menu screen gives you infinite lives.
    3. Comment on the price of games: Ten quid!!! Think how many Mars bars you could buy for that!
    4. Say something about machine code listings: AOF 123BOE87! 6C9507D!!!
    5. Mention the reviews: I think (wow) that two people should review each game to give a more general impression.
    6. Write a sentence about sending off to software houses: Ultimate sent me a giant poster for a C*mm*d*re game.
    7. Ask 'Are you a goblin?': Are you a goblin?
    8. Pretend to live in the future: My space-ship is parked at a parking meteor.
    9. Think up some stupid use for YS: I've got a stupid one all right. I read it!
    10. Claim how poor you are: We had to sell our Jaguar XJS to buy a copy of YS.
    11. Suck up to YS: It's great, it's fantastic, it's amazing. (So is YS)
    12. List a great game you've written:
    10 PRINT "HEY I'M ON TV!"
    20 PRINT "PRESS ANY KEY": PAUSE 0
    30 GOTO 10
    83. Claim you can't count: I can't count.
    When you've done all that, put it in an envelope (along with a fiver) and send to YS.
Andrew "Noddy"
Carmichael
Dollar, Clackmannanshire

Sorry, but you don't qualify for a star letter because you forgot to mention how beautiful I am. Not only that, but you reckon we can be bought for £5. That's an insult - we'd want at least £20! Ed

YS RULES OK!
Last week at school, the class had to think up a survey. We were asked to go out and ask people questions that we had thought of. My topic was computer magazines. A hundred people were asked "What do you think the best computer magazines are?"
    Here are the results (Spectrum magazines only):
    Your Sinclair 51%
    Crash 30%
    Sinclair User 19%
    So this proves that YS is the most popular magazine of the 80s.
Marc Rogers
South Benfleet, Essex

Thanks, Marc. The cheque's in the post. Ed

STAR LETTER SPOT THE PILLOCK So! A picture's worth a thousand words. Here's one to save me a biro: The Definitive Trainspotter, spotted on the Southampton/Salisbury line, trainspotting.     Dare you publish? Chris Lee Ramsey, Hants Yes we dare. That's some Trainspotter alright. The brown anorak, the notebook, the brushed denim jeans, the bobble hat and glasses, But what gives it all away is the Pan Am bag - ugh! Ed

ADD-ENDUM
Ta lots for the calculator from the mega-compo, it's super fab. I've done lots of sums on it so I thought I'd tell you about some of the more interesting ones:
    i) 0+1=1
    ii) 2 x 3 = 6
    iu) 14.728163 / sqrt(9.941) = 4.6712547
    iv) 5 + 3 = 53
Martin Highmore
Exeter College, Oxford
PS (iv)isn't true.

Is your letter what they (Who they?) call a figure of speech? Summing up though I'd say it's six of one and half a dozen of the other when it comes to putting two and two together to make four! Ed

OCH AYE
Why is it that Monty Python's Flying Circus gets shown in England but not in Scotland?
An eagerly awaited piece
of tin foil from Vulcan
PS People who put things in bathtubs should be denied access to railway stations.

Monty Python's Flying Circus wouldn't be quite the same with sub-titles now would it? And as for people who put things in bathtubs, not only should they be denied access to railway stations but they should be forced to watch the Des O'Connor Show as well. Ed

FLASH TRASH
I'm writing to complain about the load of rubbish you gave away with the November issue.
    Perhaps that was the only way Play For Your Life could get into people's homes. Run For Your Life would be more appropriate, run away as far as you can from one of the most boring, slow, unskilful, unplayable load of unrepeatable trash. What a letdown after the brilliant Batty.
    For those who missed the 'giveaway', thank your lucky stars. Don't waste the time or more to the point, money, in trying to buy it. It's more exciting watching it load!!
Michele Harrison
Selston, Notts

Well really! There's no pleasing some people. We give you an exclusive game which effectively costs you 50 measly pee and all you can do is moan. There are some people who had a Iorra lorra fun playing it - see the next letter. Not everybody likes the same games - just be grateful that you did enjoy Batty! Ed

PLAY IT AGAIN
Now look here! The fab exclusive game-on-the-cover, Play For Your Life, is great, but there's only one snag. It's so easy. As they say, easy peasy lemon squeasy! On my fourth go I completed it. Yes, I know, all 26 levels! The idea is to get just before the net and whack the hell out of your opponent! Since I've completed it, the question is "What do I do now?"
Gareth Pitt
Bilston, W Midlands

Don't ask me! Maybe you could read War And Peace or study the detritus in your belly button. Alternatively, you could play the latest game on the cover - Moley Christmas. That should keep you busy for at least two months! Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD WHOOPS! I hereby claim a Trainspotter Award for noticing a mistake in the November issue of YS. In Future Shocks you said Magnetron was £2.99. Well actually it is £7.99. You PLONKERS! Tony Cheung London NW8 There's no need to be so rude. We all make the odd mistake you know and pay the price! (Groan.) But to make up we'll send you a Trainspotter Award for being such a clever cloggs. Ed LEAVE IT 'AHT With regard to your preview of Andy Capp on page 11 of YS's November issue... Presuming the exclamations 'Do war', 'Leave it aht' and 'As it 'appens' are attempts at Cockney dialect, I would just like to point out that the cartoon strip hero of this game is a Geordie, and so is more given to uttering phrases like 'Gan canny' and 'Haway the lads!'. Hence his tendency to call his wife 'pet'. Nick Danagher Littlehampton, West Sussex Well, take me to the foot of our stairs. Cockney, Geordie, Welsh - it's all foreign to me who like wot speaks the Queen's English, knoworrimean? Ed

THE GREAT VIZ DEBATE!

VIZ-OFF! I have never written a letter to complain about a magazine/comic but your free 'gift' of Viz has made me do so.     My son is ten years old. He takes great pleasure from his monthly computer magazine, Your Sinclair. He does not expect to receive copies of vulgar comics with it.     I thought Viz to be rude and nasty and totally unsuitable for the type of children reading your computer magazine.     I think you should think more carefully about enclosing such material again or I am afraid you will lose your valued customers. Mrs Hilary Shaw Wilmslow, Cheshire My son, aged 12, has bought Your Sinclair for the past 12 months and we have been, on the whole, pleased that he should have the magazine.     However, the recent edition incorporated the Viz comic which is not only highly questionable but also, on its own admission, is unsuitable for children under 16 years, without parent's consent.     If I cannot rely on Your Sinclair to stick to computers and avoid material such as Viz which I do not want given to my children, then the magazine cannot be bought. J T Lamb Ashford, Kent Having purchased Your Sinclair magazine for my son every month since he owned a computer I was disgusted with the Viz comic enclosed with the latest edition. I have no wish for such filth to come into my house in this underhand manner. Surely it should be possible to buy a computer magazine without worrying about hidden offensive material.     I would like your assurance that this, or anything like it, will not be repeated.     I am certainly considering cancelling my order at my newsagents. Mrs Sheila Summerville Rochdale, Lancs We have had a few complaints about the contents of Viz, but it's our opinion now - as it was before it was published - that there is little, if anything in it that can't be seen every day in the national press or on prime time television. The word 'crap', for instance, is now acceptable on TV before 8pm, which is when one or two YS readers do occasionally watch it. Moreover, a swift journey on public transport should be enough to convince even the most sheltered parent that worse language than this is used in regular conversation by a large proportion of the population. We do not necessarily condone this - and we would never print anything that we considered offensive - but we stand by our decision to enclose the Viz sampler. While the normal Viz comic, as Mr Lamb says, is not usually available to anyone under 16, this supplement was specially prepared to appeal to a younger readership - ours, in fact.     What did you think of it? Ed VIZOUT IT! I am writing to complain to you about the free comic with the November ish of YS. I didn't get it! I bought the mag whilst on holiday in Birmingham (exotic, eh?) and there was no sign of an advert for a free comic on the cover of the mag, and I bought it without realising there was anything else to go with it.     However, a couple of weeks later in Colwyn Bay I noticed a November ish of YS with a free comic attached. Why didn't you mention the comic on the cover of the mag? If you had done I would have asked at the till about the comic.     I have bought your mag since ish one and I think it's great, and until now you have always mentioned the free gifts on the cover, so that I was able to get them at the counter.     Anyway, is there anywhere I could get hold of this comic without forking out the quid to buy YS again? Gary "Completed Road Runner" Jones Colwyn Bay, Clwyd Some newsagents didn't get the Viz supplements, through no fault of theirs (or indeed ours). So unfortunately there's no way you can get a copy unless you obtain a back issue of YS. Sorry about that, but they're now as scarce as an aardvark in a nunnery! Ed

AFTERNOON CLOSING
As a regular overseas reader I've had a right gutsful of paying the top dollar for your magazine and getting as much use out of your compos as an ashtray on a motorbike. What chance have we got of competing in a compo which closed two months before we get the latest issue?
    Tidy up your act on this one, 'cos on your present track record you deserve a bagful of the latest stock bonds tied around your neck with a red hot Speccy heat sink... c'mon, you can do better!
Ron Scarlin
Mataura, New Zealand

We have so many competitions an issue that it would be impossible to extend the closing date. You would have to wait even longer before you get your prize. If you took out a subscription to the mag not only would you get it earlier but it would cost you less as well. Ed

EEE BYE GUM
I am writing in complaint (Not another one! Ed) about an article in the November issue of YS.
    In this article it says about Alton Towers, and I quote, "There may not be many reasons to venture further than Watford Gap" I find this an insult to all the northern readers and I feel an apology is necessary before I can buy your magazine again.
    There is nothing wrong with the north and there are many reasons why you should venture further afield. For instance, we have all the good football teams, Alton Towers, Sellafield Nuclear Reprocessing Plant, and let's not forget Coronation Street!
    While on the subject of Coronation Street, may I point out to all southern readers that we don't all talk like Curly Watts (October's Great Trainspotter) and we are not all dustmen!
Simon Cronan
Poynton, Cheshire

True, I do know one person who lives up north who isn't a dustman - he keeps whippets instead. Ed

TANX VERY MUCH
I claim to be the first person who has ever mapped 3D Tanx, destroyed the mothership in The Hobbit, not used the cheat mode in Elite, played Eye Of The Moon and Star Trek, got infinite lives on a Lenslok and been impressed by the ZX81 's graphics.
Michael Brocklehurst
Carterknowle, Sheffield
PS If this gets to be star letter, how can you send me my fave games? I've already got 'em.

It's pretty damn lucky then that it's not the star letter. Ed

DO WHAT?
Please include this on the Letters Page:
    Z
Rex Parker
Tiverton, Devon

AOK! Ed

ENDURO-NCE TEST!
On page 29 of the November YS it said that the person who sent in a map of Enduro Racer "must be the only bloke... who actually thought of making a map."
    Well you are wrong. I thought of making a map of Enduro Racer, but as I can't get past level three, it was a bit difficult.
Robert Wilkins
Llangunnor, Carmarthen

Huh, that's like saying, 'I've thought of going to Pluto but as I haven't got a rocket it's a bit difficult.' Worra cop out! I don't believe for one minute that you thought of making a map - so on yer bike! Ed

SOUL MATES
Since reading September's YS, I've started looking at my winkle in a new light. Contrary to popular belief, winkles are very affectionate, highly intelligent and amazingly loyal. I look forward to herring from other fish lovers - any correspondence is whelk-ome.
Herbert Halibut (age 13)
Morden, Surrey
PS I could send you a picture of my winkle if you want.

Pooh what a tench - must be something fishy going on! I personally prefer cockles than winkles - they're much more fun at parties. Still, I cod be wrong, so send us a piccy of your winkle anyway. Ed

AND FINALLY...
I totally disagree with the last letter.
Richard Pelley
Westbury-on-Trym,
Bristol

So do I Richard darling. Aren't you the last letter? Ed
    

SMALL PRINT Doesn't the Ed look like Dame Edna Everage? Simon Percival, Wakefield Hello daarling possums, I may like the ol' gladdies but I don't look a bit like that ol' windbag, now do I daarlings! Ed(na) I am a crawler. Matthew Gaskeri, Merseyside There's nothing wrong with being a late developer. Ed Marcus is a skizzledozzer! Mark Tonks, Selby And you're a tonker! Ed I think T'zer's a stupid name. Sam Hamilton, Barnsley Sam's pretty naff as it happens, Ed Notice I didn't use the word 'mega'! Matthew Doulton, Burnham-on-Crouch That was in fact the first thing I did notice. Amazing! Ed T'zer is well 100% fit. Anthony Carr, Middleton, Manchester It's true! I can run for the bus without getting puffed out! Ed My ears look like Mr Spock's (wagga wagga). Markie Robertson, Paisley How do you know what Mr Spock's wagga wagga looks like! Ed T'zer! Join my harem! Grunbubbly The Peewit, Crater 12, The Moon Bog off! Ed

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE This month's crap jokes come from Mark Middleton of Burton-on-Trent, Captain Kirk of Stockport and Skippy The Kangaroo (alias Marcus Light) of Allerton. I say I say I say...          Q: What do you call a cabbage patch kid with big boobs?     A: Dolly Parton!          Q: What did the Irishman call his leopard?     A: Spot!          Q: What's the difference between a Commodore owner and a bucket of slime?     A: The bucket?

DESERT ISLAND DISKS This month's castaway is in fact one of the winners of our PCW Show Batty Challenge, Andy Lowe, who knocked up 77,130 in about 0.1 second. Here are his all-time faves...     Sabre Wulf/Ultimate In my eyes THE best, most addictive Ultimate offering. Anyway, it's still great fun just jabbing the sleeping hippos!     Back To Skool/Microsphere Fantastically playable venture into school naughtiness. A jump ahead from Skool Daze, if only because of the snogging.     Zynaps/Hewson About the closest that the Speccy will ever get to a good, solid, arcade-style shoot 'em up. It's fast, has brilliant graphics, and it's difficult but possible to complete.     Blind Alley/Sunshine Phew! Now this is going back a bit! But this, definitely the best attempt at the Tron light-cycles format, gets breathtakingly fast on later screens.     Dynamite Dan II/Mirrorsoft Superbly designed platform game that takes a well-worn format to its limits. Has some great extra weapons and facilities - the Jesus walk-on-water boots being the best!     Hyper Sports/Imagine Jonathan Smith is an excellent programmer and I wish he'd hurry up and do something else! This kept my wrists vibrating for a week!     Bubble Bobble/Firebird Dangerously addictive, cute, varied, lots of extra features. Quite mega-ace, actually. (Can anyone beat 1,259,120 - round 72?)     Manic Miner/Bug-Byte Probably my sole driving force throughout 1983. (Worrabout food? Phil) This game had it all - 20 screens (massive at the time), brilliant graphics, addictive gameplay, wicked humour.

Doodlebugs