WOLLOP!
Cor! What a man! Wauurrrrrr!! What a hunk! At last, my desperate search has been completed. I have found a new idol! After seeing your line-up of 'chunks' in the September issue, I suddenly realised that I wasn't quite so desperate as to consider Phil South for an idol after all. I decided he was too ugly to be anybody's idol. (Sob! Phil) The same applies to Peter George (are you sure he's human?). Marcus Berkmann can be summed up in three words: cute, but fat. But then... my eyes fell on his picture, and I took a sharp intake of breath and screamed WOW!! My heart leapt as I studied Darrell King's face. Even now my heart pounds every time I think of that clean-shaven, strong chiselled jaw and those piercing... er... black and white eyes.
    Who is this guy! I thought. I've got to know more about him. For example:
    1) Who is he?
    2) Where have you been hiding him all this time?
    3) How old is he?
    4) Does he model for Playgirl? If not, why not?
    5) Is he married?
    6) What's his bank balance?
    7) Is there any chance of me having a peek at his life insurance policy?
    You'll have to excuse me now, but I must dash off and smother Darrell's picture with kisses for the 8,976th time.
Claire "I love Darrell
King' Terry
Coxford, Southampton

Lucky old Darrell, eh? I do think you've been a bit hard on Phil and Peter, but I totally agree with you about Marcus. In answer to your questions: 1. Darrell is the Designer on YS, which means he's tres trendy. 2. We haven't been hiding him - he's just very shy. Like a badger, he only comes out at night. 3. Twenty-three. 4. He doesn't model for Playgirl because he models for a more superior magazine - this one! 5. Only to his job! 6. Raisonable. 7 Don't be disgusting! As your picture of Darrell has probably gone all soggy by now I'm printing another one for you to dribble over. Ed

STAR LETTER ROGUISH BEEFCAKE After seeing your reply to our previous letter, we came up with this poem:          Peter George is such a sight     He really gave us a fright     With his face so haggard and hairy,     Does he know that he's so scary?          With his scowl so mean and black     It's enough to give anyone a heart attack.     As for being butch and manly     There are sexier teddies inside Hamleys.          After all he's not that bad     This roguish beefcake of a lad,     With looks so dark and jaws so square     It's such a shame about the facial hair.          In the photo he looked so nice     Now he's got us thinking twice.     Ed, why don't you do him a favour?     And supply him with a razor Helen and Elaine London SW9 There's only one poem which really sums up Peter's success with girls!          Georgy Porgy pudding and pie     Kissed the girls and made them cry     When the boys came out to play     Georgy Porgy ran away          You're right about the razor - it's the only thing that'll put him out of his misery! Ed

MISTAKEN IDENTITY
Okay you guys and gals - drop everything! This is it - the biggy! Forget that thing called Spectrum, and throw your trainspotting equipment in the bin, 'cos a new craze is about to hit the world!
    Geddout your back issues of YS and take a gander at those cut-price software ads. Now spot those mistakes! ...Tantails (surely not Tantalus?), Hydrofoil(?), Transformal(?!), Eat Worm (eugh!), Exagon (not Exolon, by any chance?), and Dark Septre to name a few.
    What do I want for sparking off this new craze? Well, a Spectrum +3 (Knew that was coming, somehow Ed), a lifetime supply of YS, a Porsche, all the new software, a packet of polos, a Videoface Digitizer, and an Opus Discovery 2 would do very nicely, but I'll settle for a mention in your great mag!
Stuart Green
Strensall, York
PS How do you increase the IQ of the YS team? Sack Phil South!

Stuart, your letter was so entertaining, that we feel we must give you one of those prizes you asked for. So we've just written them all down on pieces of paper, put them into a hat, and now we're going to pick one out completely at random! (Drum roll) And the result is... Stuart, you are the lucky winner of a packet of Polos! Or at least you would have been if Phil hadn't eaten 'em. Oh well, never mind, but a badge is on its way Ed

WIGGLY TIPS
Here's a small tip which could help you solve your loading problems. If you have a game and you've tried every volume possible to load it, try this. If you look at the tape recorder you'll find above the row of buttons, a small hole and in the hole is a screw. The hole is there to adjust the head of your tape recorder. If you have a very thin star screwdriver, simply take your tape out, press play, put the screwdriver down the hole, and slightly adjust the head clockwise or anti-clockwise, then load in your tape. Keep on doing this until it loads, but remember, don't run it too far anti-clockwise or the screw will come out! Unless it's a very bad copy this will load it.
Tom Burns
Kilbirnie, Ayrshire

That's brilliant - unless of course you've got a Spectrum Plus 3! Ed
    

SMALL PRINT I want my badge now because this letter took two and a half hours to write. Keith Sinclair, Kelty, Fife Only two and a half! This reply took a whole week! Ed It might interest you to know that I'm having my tea break, and I'm writing this in a public lavatory in Hammersmith, 'Mad' Mike Stone, London W12 It doesn't! Ed This is not for the letters column but if it was, it would easily win the Star Letter. Philip Ray, Andover, Hants You want a bet? Ed This letter was written under the influence of Pritt Stick. Thurstan Felstead, South Ruislip, Middx Hey like wow man. That's like totally awesome! Ed Hi, do you know that you're awfully good looking for a meatball? Khalid Jamil, London NW2 You don't mince words, do you! Ed

X-TRICATED
I would like to draw your attention to an advert on page 83 of September's YS. What is this computer magazine coming to? On page 83 there is an advert for X-rated Adult-Only games. What perverse person wrote such trash for the Spectrum? How can a highly respected magazine like YS publish such ads? Surely you are not that desperate for money that you find it necessary to degrade the mag with "X-rated Adult-Only Games".
Martin Stonebridge
Ipswich, Suffolk
PS When are you going to review these games?

After noticing the advert myself, we wrote off for the games to see what they were like. It only took a quick examination to decide not to run the adverts any more. And no, we certainly will not be reviewing any of these products. What do you think we are - perverts? Ed

HE SLIMED ME!
YS is not only great to read, but it comes in handy for Speccy faults. I tried to load my fave game (Ghostbusters). To my utter disgust every time I loaded it, the screen went blank. I got so cross that I hit my Speccy with the May copy of YS. I loaded Ghostbusters and guess what? It played for yonks after that and I still have that May copy. I read YS every month and think it is fab. If you don't print this in the Star Letter slot my mum will stop me reading YS for five months (we bet five YSs). My mum needs the three fave games for my dad's birthday.
Nicola J Herbert
Wilmslow, Cheshire

Glad to hear YS comes in so useful. We've found it particularly handy in keeping Phil on his diet. We simply roll up a copy of YS, preferably the October issue, and stick it in his gob so he can't eat. Amazingly enough it also keeps him quiet. Ed. PS Sorry but you don't win the Star Letter this time - you'll just have to write in again!

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD DR NOBO! Memo from M to Agent T'zer: Commander Bond, 007, has drawn my attention to the July issue of your magazine, which contained some innaccuracy about those actor chappies who have portrayed him in the cinema.     Miss Moneypenny has diligently scoured the files and has found that the first person to play James Bond was an American actor named Barry Nelson, in a version of Casino Royale made for CBS Television in 1954 - a full eight years before Sean Cannery was to become Bond in Dr No.     In your magazine, the question raised was which actor named Niven played Bond in the first ever Bond film, Casino Royale, and our intelligence section feels that this is where the confusion has arisen. David Niven did indeed play 007 in a version of this film but this was what is known as a 'spoof' version and we don't like to talk about it too much.     Commander Bond would be grateful if you would set the above facts out for your readers. He also made reference to something called a 'Trainspotter Award' and something about exploding joysticks if he didn't receive one. Send him a badge or something to keep him quiet. M (alias Chris Fallon, Runcorn, Cheshire) PS We have just learnt that one of your cartographers (look it up) is a double agent. His name is Mischa Welch and his work has also appeared in CRUSH magazine. Liquidate him at once. Well, there's a thing! I've never heard of Barry Nelson but I'm sure you're right. I don't really fancy having a joystick explode in my face so I'll send Bondy Babes a badge as you suggest. Is your PS written in some sort of code.'? 'Cos we don't actually have any rag and bone men working for us. Well, except for Kippers Cox the publisher. Ed

BLIND DATE
While looking at the rules for the Slaine Warp Spasm compo in the October issue of YS I noticed that the second rule was: "You'd be out of your hero harness not to get your entry in by September 30th." I know YS goes on sale a couple of weeks before the month on the cover, but shouldn't you give the readers more time to get their entries in?
Fiona Collinson
Kirkliston, Edinburgh
PS I think Batty's brill!

Oops! You're right. The closing date is in fact the 31st October. Sorry about that. Ed.

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE This month's crap jokes come from Steve Clay and Claire Terry (What? Her again? Ed), so blame them, not us.          Q What is green, squashy and spends a lot of time underwater?     A An avocado with an aqualung!          Q What goes in stiff and dry, comes out limp and wet and gives pleasure to two people?     A A teabag!          Q What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?     A Run like hell - he's got a grenade in his mouth!

DESERT ISLAND DISKS This month's castaway is Martins Light, whose splendid choice of name is reflected in his splendid choice of games (Who:s writing this rubbish? Ed)     Exolon/Hewson I like a good blast! (Okay, I admit it, I'm a masochist!)     Starglider/Rainbird A good game for people wiv' spare £15s crunching around in their pockets! Great fun though!     Zynaps/Hewson Yet more blastin' - Aaaarrggh! Any more and I'll turn into a homicidal maniac (but wot's new?)     Arkanoid/Imagine Ooooh! It's Breakout with a new hair-do. A puh-retty good bash if I may say so!     Little Computer People/Activision A great little game... just think of the possibilities... having a shower is one that springs to mind ('cos I'm a bit like that). Pity that you can't control your own little T'zer though!     Barbarian/Palace I just lurve beat 'em ups. Smack, biff 'n' wallop! I never win though 'cos I'm a wimp.     Sentinel/Firebird Oooh! Let's do a bit of absorbing. This is the ideal game for a castaway, 'cos it takes years to complete!     EastEnders/Macsen Well I've got to have something to eat, haven't I!

Doodlebugs