SENT UP
While playing Firebird's mega-mega-mega-etc game, The Sentinel, myself and a friend, Rob Dickson, decided to print out the title screen. Imagine our surprise when the message 'SEEKING RELOAD BLOCK 42' printed out. Its ink colour would have been black, so it wouldn't have been seen on-screen. Does this mean that some more levels will be made available for sale on an extra tape by Firebird?
Adam Sotheran
Romiley, Cheshire
PS We are currently on level 7253, code 21887706.

After talking to those likely lads at Firebird I learnt... absolutely naff-all. All Firebird will say is that it is possible that there'll be some extra levels for The Sentinel but it certainly won't be this year and possibly not next. Hang on a mo, maybe it was talking about that highly illogical game, Star Trek. Ed

VIVA L'ESPANA
It's my duty with Francisco Alexandre to tell you the truth. The Peeker, a graphic utility that was published in the last issue of your mag, was first published in a Spanish magazine - Microhobby, no. 78 -- and is by Francisco Alexandre. Khalid Jamil is telling porkies. Enclosed are three photocopies of the original listings of the program which was, and still is "El Espia".
    Sorry about my English, but I think it's better than your Portuguese.
Paulo J Lucas Martins
Viseu, Portugal

Hasta la vista! Ole, ole! Buanos Noches! Uno servesio! So What's wrong with my Portuguese? Well, strong words Paulo (even if they were in Portuguese). I think it's over to Khalid to defend himself and come up with an exclamation, sorry explanation! Ed

FOLEY FOLLY
My 128 +2 is knackered! l am scrawling this to give your followers a piece of advice - don't buy Amstrad/Sinclair! They must be the worst computers around (well, except the Commode +4). I've had EIGHT, and they all screwed up within a month. What's more, I lost (sniff, sob) an original of WAR. Good job it wasn't a decent game!
    However I must praise the staff at the Cwmbran branch of Currys. I know they've had a lot of bad PR (They have? Ed), but they always replaced my machines, no problem. Eventually I asked for a refund, and was simply handed £159.95. I'm now saving for an Atari ST.
    But it's not all doom and gloom. I still own a rubber-key 48K, and I can honestly say that it's a damn sight better than any 128 +2!
Axel Foley
Cwmbran, Gwent

Are you accident prone perhaps? I've never heard of anybody else whol had as much bad luck as you with their computers. It's possible that your Speccy+ 2 objects to being used as a skateboard when you're not playing games on it. Try using a plank of wood instead. Ed

ZILCH INPUT
How's about making the message length in Input Output a line (or six words) longer? Oh, and on the subject, I have sent no less than six ads in, and had no more than 0 (zilcho) printed. Sorry, but if you want my praise, you'll just have to do better.
Colin Campbell
Kilwinning, Ayrshire

If we increased the message length in Input Output by an extra line you'll have even less chance of getting one printed. We receive thousands of entries a month and there just isn't enough space to print them all. I think you've been pretty lucky getting none printed out of six. It could've been out of 200! But seriously we do try to print as many as we can - the best way to increase your chances is to write clearly and legibly in the allocated space and send separately to the Input Output section. Good luck! Ed

TORRYD AFFAIR
As I was teaching my half-Peruvian, lesser-spotted, three-footed budgie Pythagoras' theorem for the fourth time, I realised that you never, ever, print totally sane letters in your fabulous and really trendy mag. This is the third time I have written to you all at Castle Rathbone and my budgie and I both think it's about time you printed me. If you don't I'll have to take drastic action and sell up my stock of computer software, hardware, add-ons and join a monastery. I hear that the clothes they give you to be a monk are quite trendy. Anyway, back to the serious stuff.
Mike Ledingham, aged
1 1/2
Tarry, Aberdeen

I wouldn't like to see you get into any bad 'habits' so I've relented and printed your letter. Here's a joke to cheer you up. What did the Friar use to open the door? A monkey! Ha ha, thought you'd find that a bitorralaff! Ed PS Is your stock of computer software cheep budgiet stuff by any chance?

SPOT THE MISTAKE
Erm, is Brian there? His cream for the boil on his bottom is ready, if you'd like to pick it up. Oh sorry! Wrong address!
Andrew Geoghegan
Bradford, W Yorks

As it happens Phil could do with a zit stick after all those cream cakes he keeps stuffing himself with! Ed

MANGO MANIA
I am the leader of the Polish Mango Society. My colleagues are The Man, Slaphead 1, Slaphead 2 and Fartin' Martin. We all love Sigue Sigue Sputnik, Run DMC and the Beastie Boys. Hello to Lloyd and Smiley as well as Poofter Hesford, Boghead Jeffries and Kind Dude Squires. We also have another society. It is the Guru Appreciation Society. We worship Guru Nanak and Guru Gobind Singh (all trendy lads). I think that Ultimate is crap and 3D games are boring (with the exception of Head Over Heels, which Slaphead 2 owns).
Mr ZX81 Powerpack
Stratford-on-Avon,
Warks

I'm particularly fond of mangoes myself. Oh, and I love bananas and fresh pineapple makes me drool too. And kiwi fruits are simply delectable, not at all like Kiwi men, though it has to be said (It does? Marcus) that lecherys are the best of all! Ed Don't you mean lychees? Marcus PS Don't ever write such a load of old trash again. Ed

KEEP ON THRUCKEN
May I offer my congratulations on your new Program Pitstop routines. As a new computer user I found them very interesting, and was well pleased with the end results. I have recently purchased a Spectrum 128 +2, after the children's 48K was accidently wrecked (note date of birth - 18.8.42 - mine, that is, not the 48K). The sound routine by Tim Follin was a joy to hear. All members of the household look forward to your excellent publication every month - keep up the good work, and may we have more of the same.
M A Depear
Thrucken Holt, Lincs

You can indeed have more of the same thing 'cos every month we'll be packing Program Pitstop with even more handy hints from a bevy of top name programmers and loads of readers' racy routines. So stick with YS and keep your eyes glued... Ed

MILLER SHITE
A very quick line indeed to tell you to sack T'zer and bring back Program Power and Kevin Cox. Have you noticed that YS is remarkably similar to Smash Hits? Frontlines is similar to Bitz, posters in the middle, letters, Hack Free Zone is similar to Get Smart, T'zers is like Mutterings (well it used to be). Where does this influence come from? Does T'zer read Smash Hits? And why is T'zer called T'zer?
Steven Miller
Great Yarmouth, Norfolk

Are you mentally deranged? What on earth do you want to bring Kevin Cox back for - he's already done enough damage. As for the similarity of YS and Smash Hits, I don't think they're at all alike. When have we ever had a pin up of Mel Gibson or Madonna? And the answer to your last question - why are you called Steve? I suspect it had something to do, with your parents! Ed

WORRA HUNK
We are the two avid readers of YS and we were pleased to see the four tasty chunks in the September issue. We were wondering if we could have a signed photograph of Peter George and some information about him. We like the rough and rugged look!
    Hope you can oblige.
Helen and Elaine
Brixton SW9

Peter is 5'2", 16 stone has one blue eye and one brown and mousey hair. He loves the Bee Gees, hates physical exercise and spends a lot of time wearing cap sleeve T-shirts and strutting! As you can see he#s also very photogenic... Ed You summed me up beautifully - I'm as rough and rugged as they come. If you want a good time you can't go far wrong with me. Pete He's also a pathological liar! Ed

GRAND PRIX BOOB
With regards to September's edition of YS, on page 10 in Future Shocks is a screenshot for a game called Grand Prix Simulator. I don't know about you but I think you must be a load of Grand Prix not to notice the screenshot's upside down. I hereby make a claim for a Trainspotter Award.
Tone Villacci
Bevendean, Brighton

If you stand on your head and read the review you'll find that the screenshot isn't upside down so I'm afraid you don't qualify for a Trainspotter, Award so ner! Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD Re: Multiface 128 Special Offer.     Me finks £44.95 - £5.00 = £39.95.     You finks £44.95 - £5.00 = £24.95.     We finks different.     Me finks you finks wrong.     Me finks Trainspotter Award due.     Fanks, Paul Thomas Broadgreen, Liverpool PS Goodbye! Me finks you finks someone at YS made huge cock-up on Special Offers page in August issue of mag.     Me finks you finks right.     You finks you deserve a Trainspotter Award.     Me rinks you finks right.     Me finks it was nowt to do with me but apologies to everyone who ordered the Multiface at the incorrect price. Ed OOPS UPSIDE... "And we've just heard that Michele Alboreto has again retired from the Grand Prix... with reported stability problems..." "Er, actually he's upside down Murray." "...Oh my God! Michele Alboreto is driving upside down! This is just amazing! And so is Stefan Johansson in his McLaren! I don't think we've seen anything like this since..." "Actually, Murray, I think it's those wallies at Your Sinclair printing the screenshot for Grand Prix Simulator upside down." "...You don't mean the one on page 10, do you James?" "Of course I do, you senile old moron." "Well in that case I think they ought to give Simon Barnard a Trainspotter Award!" Simon Barnard Herne Bay, Kent Well spotted! The screenshot was indeed upside down and a Trainspotter Award is on it's way. This slight cock-up was all due to Peter, the Art Ed who thinks he's an Aussie. You should see his bilabongs! Ed

HAMSTERUNG
I was reading issue 20 and I found a mistake in Hit List. It said that we have lost Curse Of Sherwood but there it is at number 9. I think Marcus got mixed up with the prices in the review of Wolfan. He said it was £2.99 but it's really £1.99. If I don't get an award I'll eat my hamster.
Stuart Oliver
Lawrieston, Falkirk

As much as I can't stand cruelty to animals I have to say that you're right. Marcus is a complete wally and did indeed make a terrible error in the Wolfan review. Still, I'm not sending you a Trainspotter Award 'cos I'd love to see you doing Freddy Starr impressions. Ed
    

SORRY STATE
I was flicking through the Sept ish of this fabulous magazine of yours when on page 38 I read the headline 'What will you be playing this Christmas?' I have no choice, I'll be playing on my good old ZX Speccy, not a +3, not a Sega or Nintendo games console. You want to know why? (No. Ed) Because I've got no dosh to buy any of these out-of-this-world, super-duper things.
    Yours feeling-sorry-for-myself
Nell Watson
Maryport, Cumbria

There's no reason to feel down in the dumps 'cos there's nothing wrong with the 48K Speccy. I'd personally rather play with that than any of the consoles - you get such a thrill after all that knob twiddling (0o-er) when a game finally loads. Ed

YUM YUM YUM!
Hallo! I saw your picture in August's YS, and... er... hmmm... aaahh... er... (a few years later) er.. hmm.. will... er... will you... ahh... will you marry me? Oh! I'm already imagining our marriage, you with a pretty red dress, and I with a yellow suit.
Sandra 'Coach' Silva
Setubal, Portugal
PS I'm 94 years old.

Sounds like you're colour blind to me! Other than that small defect you must have 20:20 vision, but I'm afraid you're not really my type - I go for the older man! Ed

SECRET AGENT
You are going to print this letter to make up for all the misery and agony you've caused me.
    Remember that lovely little program in the Star Letter in your August edition? Well it drove my Speccy bonkers!! Firstly it tried to convince me that it was a member of the KGB and was after a particular Commodore computer. Then it started hissing, and it wouldn't stop wriggling on the desk. And then, if that wasn't enough, it got me in a half nelson on my bedroom floor. I expect full compensation by making this your Star Letter - or else...
Sean Rowan
Castlebar, Co Mayo
PS Cheeky little liar, aren't I?

Leesen carefully 'cos I shall zay zis only wunce. Bog off! You certainly aren't getting the Star letter for telling porkies to a Double agent. Ed

STAR LETTER HELD HOSTAGE Thomas Price Location unknown How could you be so cruel to a completely innocent human being? Allowing them to suffer such inhumane torture. You can't possibly do such a dirty deed and send Phil back here. I haven't actually got a +3 to hand but I could send you three of your fave games if you promise not to send him back. I couldn't bear it! Ed

WORRA COCK-UP
I think I spotted a spelling mistake on the Ocean advert for its latest Dinamic game. In the ad it says Game Over. Shouldn't this be "Game Oo-er?"
Barry Lanes
Hastings, Sussex
PS Don't call me a poor little pussy again - my mates were making jokes (dirty ones) for weeks.

Some people are so catty aren't they? Well, don't take any notice of your horrible friends just shout, 'sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me so bog off you nerds!' Ed
    

SMALL PRINT If this letter gets printed I'll eat all my other computer mags with tomato sauce. Robert Redfern, Plymouth You can eat those words, literally, you saucy devil you 'cos here you are in print! Ed Please excuse the bad writing but I just chopped my hand off. Patrick Walsh, Slough Sorry I couldn't read your letter 'cos it was covered in blood! Ed Can I have all your games when you've finished reviewing them? Monk D'Wally De Monk, Castledawson No you flamin' well can't! Ed When my brother first heard of you, he thought you were a drink. Robin Stewart, Cirencester Long, cool and fizzy! Yeah that describes me pretty well. T'zer. (More like sickly, orange and fattening. Marcus)

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE This month's appallingly naff jokes come from Jan Freeman of Plymouth, lain Habeshaw of Scotland and Jonathan Bell of Ashtead, Surrey.          Q: Why don't worms have balls?     A: Because they can't dance.          Q: What's pink and hard?     A: Miss Piggy with a flick knife!          Q: Why did the boy feel a wally when he saw a bird?     A: 'Cos it went, 'twit, twit'

DESERT ISLAND DISKS This month's castaway, stranded on an island with nowt but his Speccy and a 50p photo booth to keep him company, is Craig McBurnie of Washington, Tyne & Wear. Take it away, Craig... (Oi! Bring that back! Ed).     Elite/Firebird     Must be the most playable space shoot 'em up game yet and I love jumping from star to star blasting mean Thargoids.     Leaderboard/US Gold     Refreshes the parts other golf simulations cannot reach.     Chaos/Games Workshop     Brilliant Dungeons & Dragons strategy game - not many people have played this, but those who have, all agree it's wizard (groan!).     Into the Eagle's Nest/Pandora     What a game for the start of a new company! Best of the Gauntlet clones. I took to this game quicker than you can say Slobodan Zivojinovic.     Auf Wiedersehen Monty/Gremlin     Boo hoo! Sob! The last Monty game, but what a way to end. Words can't describe it.     Ad Astra/Gargoyle     Golden Oldie shoot 'em up, king of the bunch. Superb game that always drags you back for more.     FA Cup Football/Virgin     No I haven't cracked. I like this footie game, even though it's very simplistic. Watching Tutts Clumps Reserves beat Liverpool 3-0 has you on the edge of your seat.     Formula 1/CRL     Vrooooom! Highly playable racing car simulation with a difference. Excuse me, I've got a Brazilian Grand Prix to win. Vrooooom!

Doodlebugs

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