PRINT ME QUICK!
I've read all of the letters on the Letters Pages since T'zer became Ed. I've come to the conclusion that:
    1) If you don't mention T'zer or ask for a signed photo of T'zer your letter will not get published.
    2) Completely 'nutty' letters get published more than normal serious letters.
    3) I have seen a load of letters about writing to software houses. There was even one star letter!
    4) Letters that begin with silly sentences like "I was just writing a program on my ZX81 to do 8-channel sound while calculating next weeks' football results when..." are more likely to get published than letters that start "Dear YS, my computer won't work."
    5) Always claim the Star Letter or a Trainspotter award.
    6) Put loads of PS's and PPS's at the end of your letter.
Stephen Ellis
Cobridge, Stoke-on-Trent
PS ((((Bring back brackets))))

Sorry, but we can't print your letter because you didn't mention me or ask for a signed photo, write about software houses, begin your letter with a silly sentence like "I was teaching my gerbil the theory of relativity when...", claim a Trainspotter Award or put loads of PS's at the end of your letter! Ed. I'll not have anyone interfering with my parentheses. Man Ed. ((((((You don't say!)))))) Ed

YOU'RE WALLIED!
Who's a heaving great wally then? No, not you, but you can't blame it on Kevin Cox any more since you laid him to rest in the old jokes home. Now I don't know who the culprit is, but the May issue of Future Shocks says, "There's no price or release date yet, but Starlight's Dogfight 2187 should be out in time for Easter, priced £8.99" Remove the second comma and it just about makes sense. And it's not just the previews, though goodness knows that's bad enough. Even in the contents, and I quote, "Zillions of games reviews". I only counted 26.
Alan C Dawson
Wirral, Merseyside

The heaving great wally is Marcus! Ed. No, it was Phil. Marcus. Actually it was Sara Phil. Hang on a minute, T'zer wrote that. Sara. No, I didn't... biff kerpow... splat. Ed

PICTURE THIS!
I thought you might like to see this 'ere picture of me collecting a ZX80 from the bearded wonder Sir Clive himself! It was taken when I was five - I won it in a competition in 'The Young Observer'. Thanks a lot for an ace mag.
Paul 'Thickie' Galpin
Gt Gidding, Cambs

Aaaaaaaah! Don't you look sweet. Can't say much for Sir Clive's taste in ties though! Ed

FRIZZLE DRIVEL
I'm from the planet Schnizzel. On a mission to study inferior Earthlings, I discovered your mag. Naturally I tried to send off for a YS sub, but it said on the ad "Unknown cosmos, rates on application". This is very disturbing for us Schnizzelonians, as we don't know what to write the cheque for. I hope we can come to some agreement because my mum doesn't like me to borrow the family Spacetimewarpmobile. How does 17 Wizzels to the Blizzel sound? I own a Speccy +3 squillion with 128 billion K RAM. Do you ever cover software for it? Oh, and I loved that spiffy game with the May issue, but there's an awful bug in mine. My car only goes up to 379 mph! Oh well, gotta go, I have 7,000,000,000,000 light years to fly to get home before supper.
Frizzle Schnizzel
c/o David Nolland
Bristol

I'm sorry Frizzle, but 17 wizzels is unacceptable. My Interstellar Subscriptions Department tells me that due to the extra postage needed for anywhere over 7^10 light years from earth you'll have to pay at least an extra 20 or 30 wizzels just for the next issue, let alone the other 11! Ed

ESSEX MANIAC
While I was browsing through the Sam Fox mags at my local newsagent something caught my eye. (I wonder what it was! Ed). On the back page it gave an address to write to and the address was... yes, you've guessed it, the same address as yours! The exact address of Your Sinclair! Is Sam a member of the YS team?
Marc Rogers
South Benfleet, Essex

No, Sam is just staying in Castle Rathbone until she can afford to rent somewhere of her own. Ed

MAMA MIA!
Too many times I have been reading wrong opinions from an ever cloudy/stormy/grey and never sunny country like yours about wine and spaghetti from my ever sunny/green and earthquaked country.
    Now you must know:
    1. Spaghetti is a kind of light-yellow/single-track/100 miles long plant with red leaves (called "ragu") and not at all a corn/wheat product. Usually spaghetti plant grows near railways and main roads and is served boiled in very tall glasses (at least one mile). Do not cut it, if you want to enjoy the taste.
    2. Wine (meaning Why Is Never Enough) is a kind of red/white water composed as follows: 1 part of grape and 99 parts of Metanolo (an original Mediterranean poison used by wizards: see adventure games!). Usually made in Italy, it's never drunk there, but only abroad. That's why we are all so loved everywhere!
Luciano Spinozi
Firenze, Italy

What a load of cobblers! Ed

WILLY OR WON'T HE?
I don't know if anyone else has noticed this, but in Little Computer People, if you type "Please show me your willy", the Little Computer Person starts to dance - I wonder what a psychiatrist would make of that.
Steven 'I don't play the
Late Late Breakfast
Show theme tune on my
cheek with a door wedge
anymore but the other
day I did buy a high
quality pair of used ski
sticks from our school
fete for 5p each'
Woodward
Harpenden, Hefts

Well, really! I wonder what a psychiatrist would make of the fact that you asked your Little Computer Person to show you his willy in the first place. Ed. This is a definite case of Chronic Pervertia dementia. This disease is usually diagnosed in the early stages with the onset of symptoms such as use of the words 'wahay' and 'oo-er' at every opportunity, the reading of smutty magazines and waggling of various phallic shaped objects. Cure as yet unknown. A Psychiatrist

SM RULES!
I am writing on behalf of the Silent Majority. That is, those readers who, like me, read Your Sinclair month in and month out but never utter a word of complaint. However the time has come (get out the soap box and stand on it) for me and the other members of the SM to turn (in our graves). Here are the questions and points raised:
    1 ) Put more programs to type in in YS every month.
    2) Why is it you always interrupt letters with witty comments? (I do not. Ed).
    3) Why don't you give Task Force more space because it has been voted second best page (after the cover) by the SM?
    4) Why do I never win any compos (is it because I can't afford the stamp for the envelope?)
    5) Can anybody tell us the POKE for Olli And Lisa?
    6) Has anyone found a sure method of killing unwanted teachers using a toilet roll, this month's copy of YS and T'zer?
Roy Urien
Wombwell, S Yorks
PS Note headed paper, I got it free with a packet of cornflakes.

All I can say is have a butchers at our new section for programmers on page 53 Write in and tell us what you think. Ed

STAR LETTER TIME MACHINE Remember back in the annals of YS history you ran a compo to find the most innovative use for my old keyboard. It's been given a new lease of life as an attractive and unusual wall clock!! Yes, a clock. I set to work when another wall clock I had on my wall (Good place to put it. Ed), er how can I put it, got its face smashed. The battery, mechanism and pointers were all okay so into my vacant Speccy case they went. I now have a new timepiece and conversation piece all in one.     Keep up the good work. Try this little proggy out.     10 POKE 23689,25: PRINT "Y.S. IS THE GREATEST!!";     15 PAUSE 5:REM THIS IS OPTIONAL     20 GO TO 10     The POKE value must be no less than 5 and no more than 25 or you force an error report or worse. The whole thing can be put into one line if need be. I don't know if it works on the 128 or +2 but it's worth a try. Zaeon the Silicon Chameleon alias Malcolm Wright Spennymoor, Co Durham PS Has anyone got a neat little routine for fractal explosions? I tried to hack the one out of Koronis Rift but my Interface I didn't like it! There's only one problem with your new clock - how do you play games? Ed

SHOCK, HORROR, PROBE
Oi! Listen 'ere everyone, I have an important revelation to make. The delectable Ed, known to millions as T'zer or Teresa Maughan is really Teresa Smith, alias Mary Smith of Albert Square. I first had my suspicions when I saw the subscriptions ad 'Twelve T'zers for 15 quid.' Sounds a bit dodgy to me! My suspicions were further aroused when Mary was arrested for... (Censored! Ed). And then it was revealed that Mary's real name was Teresa (da da daaah!) Well, what do you have to say?
Mark Owen
Gwynedd, Wales

I think my 'solicitor' will be contacting you pretty shortly for making such wild accusations. The only person on the YS team who stars in EastEnders is Phil who plays Pauline. Ed. I'll just make us a nice cuppa tea. Phil

SAY CHEESE
I'm writing to complain about the complete lack of cheese in your magazine. After searching through my complete collection of Your Spectrum and Your Sinclair, I came to the perfectly reasonable conclusion that the Editor is a fish, the Art Editor is green, and somebody else important in Rathbone Place is a lunatic with beans in his ears.
    As a distinguished member of society I am appalled, so I am giving you a chance to prove that it is in fact possible to fill your magazine sensibly. I suggest that you have on alternate pages some beans, fish, cheese and anything else green that springs to mind.
    Alternatively you could send me a crate of fish (I prefer haddock myself) and I'll forgive you all. Apart from that the magazine's great and thanks for the reduced price game on the May issue. Yours greenly
Alan "Fish between my
toes' Lowles,
Middleton-in-Teesdale,
Co Durham

Eel be a poor sole - I only work in this plaice for the halibut. And yes, you're quite right - the Art Editor is in fact the incredible hulk in his spare time and that very important person in Rathbone Place does indeed have beans in his ears but then he does have to have his finger on the pulse. I can't send you a crate of haddock but here's something cheesy to keep you happy! Ed

T'ZER TEASER
How do you pronounce your name? My brother calls you "T'zer", my mother calls you "T'zer" and I say your name is pronounced "T'zer". Which one of us is right?
Robert A Wilkins
Carmarthen, Dyfed

None of you. My name is actually pronounced "T'zer"! Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD I am writing to tell you a mistake on page 57 in the May issue. It was on the piece 'oy of the overs' - I spotted no 'r' in strong. I suely deseve a Tainspotte Awad.     Yous Tainspottingly Kevin Hutton Glentham, Lincs A brilliant piece of Trainspotting if I may say so. It's incredible that you should spot something that wasn't there - truly amazing. Ed Is this the Trainspotter Award? Dan B Nielsen Odense, Denmark Yes, it is. What are you doing here? Ed

SOURPUSS
I sure hope that whoever writes the blurb that goes with Hit List doesn't do the office accounts, or we shan't be seeing YS for much longer. "...13 games were rated at seven or above..." You underestimate yourselves - count again and you'll find 14. And what about Hex loader with BMX Simulator? Nice maps, but "follow the blue arrow", he says. Not too easy when the map's printed in black and white, is it? Something else that's been puzzling me. Who is this "Alastair Maclean" that Marcus was talking about? All his books have Alistair Maclean written on the front. Finally, what's Sam Fox doing among the sporting stars in your "Stars on 45" special? I mean I can understand some people regarding her as sport, but... ahem... this being a family magazine, perhaps the less said about that the better. All in all, I don't know why I buy a mag with so many mistakes in it. I think that in the future my quid might find its way into someone else's pocket. Alternatively, I could be tempted back with a suitable award...
Guy Morpuss
Alfrick, Worcester

I'm afraid I can't be bribed, corrupted, blackmailed or threatened. Okay then, you can have a badge. Ed
    

SMALL PRINT PS This is the 100,000th time I've written to you. Well it's my second actually. Darren Smith Bicester, Oxon Not bad for your second attempt! Ed PPPS I like the advert for Barbarian, except for that divvy man. Andrew Kelman Banchow, Grampian Which one? There are three! Ed I'm not a carrot. I'm a Swede. Staffan Vilcans, Sweden Now there's a turnip for the books. (Groan) Ed You must print this 'cos I waited one whole minute for my dog to write it! Martin McBain, Edinburgh You don't expect me to believe such a shaggy dog story. Woof! Ed I think you're incredibly sexy and you can give my joystick a toggle anytime! David Brewster, Scotland You must need an 'Ed examination. Phil. Gerroff Ed

NICE TRY
YS is one of the best computer magazines in the world! Do I have to write more for a YS badge?
Emil Lee Engeland
Skoger, Norway

I'll say... Ed

ENCORE
More, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more, more...
Oliver Fraid-At-The-Edges,
Trent

Your badge is on its way! Ed

IN THE NICK OF TIME
I have just read the May issue of Your Sinclair, in particular the article on The Bug. The article was very complimentary, but one point was lost. You forgot to mention me, Nick Dewar, the person who drew the much praised cover. Incidentally The Bug is being given a new look later in the year. And all The Bug's weak points (visually) are being weeded out and done again. This may or may not include the cover.
Nick Dewar
Anstruther, Fife

I'm really sorry we forgot to mention you but you know how it is when you're up against deadlines, revolting reviewers and maniacal Man Ed's. Hope you're happy with this little mention anyway. Ed

SINCLAIR CONFUSER
Oh great trainspotter being, in the March issue of Your Sinclair I noticed your review of Martianoids. It solemnly said that it costs £8.99, but (yes, but) I have a subscription to Sinclair User, and the review in there gave a price of £9.95. Wow!! Total bewilderment!! Has the great YS gone totally bananas or cocounuts or grapefruits? Anyway have I earned my trainspotter award or haven't I?
Mark Spiller
Rackheath, Norwich

No, you blimmin well haven't. Sinkplunger User made the cock-up, not our esteemed organ. Martianoids is, as stated in our review, £8.99. So now you know! Ed

VAMP IT UP!
Looking through the recent June '87 issue of Your Sinclair, I noticed a review for Vampire by Codemasters priced at £1.99. You wouldn't believe this, but the December '86 issue had exactly the same review! To add to all this, Dec '86 had 5 in the review box yet June '87 had 4!
    I think either you lot have forgotten that you already did the review once, or you are very stupid. So, purrrrrrlease let me have a Trainspotter Award for being so damn clever.
Stuart Durbury
Hinckley, Leics

There's really quite a simple explanation to all this - if only I could remember what it is... Ed. Easy. Vampire was re-released in June and two different people reviewed it which accounts for the difference in overall scores. Tommy felt that compared to other budget games around at the time Vampire didn't quite match up! Marcus

RHYMING SLANG
The first time I bought Your Sinclair magazine,
    I fell in love with him, know what I mean,
    I love every part of him up to his spiky hair,
    He is as cuddly as a teddy bear.
    He isn't Gwyn or Marcus Barkmann,
    But Phil South - I'm his greatest fan.
    He is so hunky and sexy as well,
    Living without him would be pure hell.
    So print this poem on your letters page,
    If you don't I'll stomp off in a rage.
    I dream of him when I go to bed,
    So come on T'zer, let Phil be Ed.
Vicki Green
Wareham, Dorset
PS Print us a piccy of Phil South, please!

You must be out of your tree! Phil, sexy? Still, each to their own which is why I've conceded to print a pic of the 'teddy bear' Ed
    

PSSSST!
I have just three points to make.
    (a) Why have you never published my letters? Just because I've never written before, I suppose you think that's on excuse.
    (c) What happened to (b)
    (b) Oh here it is.
Tim Richardson
Bishop's Stortford, Herts
PS Why does everyone always remember something after signing off and then have to add a PS?

I'm afraid I don't know really.
    PS Oh, yes, it's 'cos they're all molluscs. Ed

KINDLY LEAVE THE STAGE Why can't Frankenstein have children?     'Cos his nuts are in his neck!

Doodlebugs Doodlebugs

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