SWEET MYSTERY OF LIFE...
While reading the letters page I saw that a lot of people said that you were ugly and they don't see anything pretty in you in your photographs. Could you tell the readers this - I have actually met T'zer in the flesh (and very nice flesh it is too) and she is very pretty - the photographs don't show her best side (the camera always lies).
    How about a photo of Rachael Smith? I know that everyone wants to see how she looks, and l also know that she doesn't like to be photographed. So come on Gwyn, push her in front of a camera. Also, why oh why does Rachael have to review the macho man style of games? Do you enjoy asking her to review them and then struggle with them? Besides, it's bad to take Rachael's mind off Gwyn, nawty T'zer!
    If you don't print this letter then I'll send my throbbing and aching heart to Hannah Smith from Trash instead of you, so there!
    Your best fan,
Anthony A Johnson
Willesden Green, London
PS Did you know that STARTING POINT is an anagram of TRAINSPOTTING?

Hannah Smith doesn't work for Thrash any more! So any throbbing things you want to get rid of will have to be sent to me! Rachael said she'd pose for a photo, but then Phil offered to take it, and she lost interest. She muttered something about 'slobbery little oik'... Which only leaves me to be bleached white in the blinding light of your flattery. Bask, bask! Ed

LOAD O'COBRAS
I have been reading your mag for nearly a year and I'm glad to say YS is the best magazine I buy. However I am displeased to say that having read reviews and previews of a few of your games (such as Aliens, Top Gun), I was very disappointed in the graphics. These games were simply rip-offs. The only reason they sell is because of the excellent films. Ocean made a right hash of Top Gun and Cobra while Electric Dreams cocked up Aliens!
    Another hash of an arcade conversion was US Gold's Breakthru which, played in the arcades was brilliant. This hash cost me £8.95 - I was not pleased. On the other hand I was pleased with Uridium. Gauntlet was another game with good graphics and playing capability. This review was excellent and I hope to see something like this in the next issue. So, a pretty mixed bag.
    I'm not taking it out on US Gold or Ocean, because they can and do produce very good games(Infiltrator, The Great Escape etc), so keep it up! I must say that your preview of Short Circuit was excellent and next time I go to our local games supplier I will definitely buy it.
    Anyway I won't bore you anymore.
Duncan Stoddart (a fan)
Marlborough, Wilts

It's quite true that in a lot of cases more money is spent on the name of a game than the actual game itself, so it's probably best to check out the reviews in YS before you buy. And remember, our Seal Of Approval means that all the games reviews are of finished copies, not just screen shots, like in some magazines I could mention! Ed. Cor, you sounded just like Alan Whicker then! Phil

DRAGON'S LAIR
When I was looking through the Dragon User magazine at school recently, guess whose name I found emblazoned across the top of the adventure section? Yes, you've guessed it, our very own Mike Gerrard!! I was truly shocked - what was he doing in there? Was it really him? Did he really work for them?
Hal Maughan
Thefiord, Norfolk
PS I wonder if we are related?

Yes, you guessed it. The man hiding under the cleverly designed pseudonym 'Mike Gerrard' is none other than... Mike Gerrard! Mike writes so much so fast that he's currently writing just about everything you read in computer magazines, except this. Ed. (Tee hee. Wanna bet? Mike)

HURDIE HO!
I have always bought my games in Sweden, but they seem to be much cheaper in England. So if I want to buy some games from a mail order list, do I have to send money with my order or can I pay when the things come to the post office as usual?
Per Danvind
Sollefted, Sweden

Most companies prefer you to send your money with an order. Don't send cash - a cheque or international money order is best. Ed

WOT A WAG!
My name is Waggs. I love YS, in fact it's the best mag out. Please say hello to Hex for me. Now I wish to become Editor of YS. Why I hear you ask, well because I'm skill.
Waylon 'Waggs' Davies
Newtown, Powys

Well, unfortunately for you, my dearest Waggipoos, I'm much more skill than you! Har har. I said hello to Hex for you, but all he said was 'Humph' Does this mean anything to you? Ed

ELITE'LL JOKE
With reference to your Elite scoop, you'd have to be a real wamalamadingdong to fall for that April Phoole. What sort of a berk would believe that red herring? Well certainly not me. So then, what's going to be my prize for being the first one to expose your little joke?
Robert Stafford
Swinton, Manchester
PS I'd prefer cash rather than a cheque.

Tee hee. Glad you liked our little jocular jape. Phil did it using the Multiface One, tickling up the resultant screen using Artist II. Your prize? Well, we're a bit short of cash at the moment. Have you got change for a herring? Ed

ELITE'LL JOKE II
Ha! Ha! Blimmin' Ha! Elite scoop? Ha! Hidden planets indeed! How can you expect me to believe your April fool if you make it so obvious? A.M. Phoole (fool!) of Berks! A dead giveaway. And you really blew it using Artist II: wrong character set (take a closer look at those g's) and a grey-scale dump when it should have been a simple display file copy. Clever though. Shame I switched my brain on before I started reading the mag!
    Yours trainspottingly,
Andrew Lyons
Hanwell, London
PS If you think I'm going to drool over T'zer, you're wrong! Well, okay then, just a quick one. DROOOOL!! There, satisfied?

Eurch, that's enough! Here, have a tissue. Great, you win the Red Kipper award... Oh dear, Phil seems to have eaten it! Ed. No, it went to the first guy. Hey, shame you forgot to switch your brain on before you wrote the letter. Phil

KILLIN JOKES
The letters pages are becoming depressing. All people write in about is to get a YS badge or suck up to T'zer. How about some good sensible topical issues like, should Brian Clough become a computer programmer after his computer game? Did Biggles ever fly Concorde? Come on, we can do better.
Alan McGregor
Killin, Scotland

How about topics like how long is a piece of string, or maybe How Hai is a Chinaman? Send your replies to Old Jokes Dept, Your Sinclair. Anyway, a bit of ego massage never did a girl any harm. Ed. Perv! Phil

PYJAMA PARTY
I can't believe how brainy I am. I have just invented something that could earn YS millions - Your Sinclair pyjamas. Just think, you could go to bed and read all the reviews and letters on your pyjamas. Your friends wouldn't half be jealous of you. This could be the new kinky trend for bedtime.
Andrew Lewis
Wallasey, Merseyside

Whoopee, another one to add to my collection. Ed

AND THE THREE BEARS!
Having been continously narked off at people who write in giving their amazingly brilliant high scores on games, I have decided to set the record straight. Yes, there now follows the list of high scores to end all others, the banana boat of desserts so to speak (Eh? Ed).
    Rambo - Freed the prisoners, made ten sequels and beaten Russian, Mexican, Czechoslovakian and Liechtensteinian (?) boxers.
    Match Day - Have beaten up Maradona as revenge for knocking us out of the World Cup.
    Frank Bruno's Boxing - Lost to Tim Witherspoon.
    Paperboy - Got told off by Debbie Greenwood for not delivering to her house.
    Pretty impressive, huh? By the way, I think Caron Keating (Who she? Ed) is zonkingly better looking than T'zer.
Paul 'Hello Betty'
Belson
Solihull

You shouldn't be writing to me to boast about your high scores. What's wrong with Hex Loader? On second thoughts don't answer that. Send your tips and a pic to him and you may end up as one of Hex's Heroes. Ed

RADCLIFFE'S BABIES
Dear Teresa,
    I feel I can call you Teresa, being a regular reader of your mag. I have enclosed two photos of myself to show you what I was going to do.
    

    The first one shows me trying to phone you up, but after waiting for a few mins without a reply I decided to chew it instead (you probably wouldn't understand me anyway).
    The second one shows me on my turbo police car ready to come to London in person to have a word with you, but yet again I couldn't make it. By the time I'd got my teddy and bottle packed it was time for bed.
    So I decided to write to you. Please could you put more screenshots in your mag (and more photos of teddies and bunny rabbits) and more information on the object of the game. For example, I play Firelord quite a lot by just banging the keys and laughing when the man moves. But my dad cannot understand half of what you're supposed to do when he plays it properly after I'm in bed.
    Could you send me a badge for my coat to show everyone when I'm in my pram?
Phillip Greenough (aged
1 1/2)
Radcliffe, Manchester

No sooner said than done! I'll wave my magic wand, and make a bunny appear on the Head Over Heels pages... whoosh! The badge is winging it's way towards you... mind you, should a baby be handling such sharp objects? (Ha ha). Ed

FREE WEATHER REPORT
It's raining in Newcastle today
John
Gosforth, Newcastle

Uncanny! Simply cut this letter out and pin it on your doorframe. Then every day you can tell what the weather is like in Newcastle... well, nine times out of ten. Much better than a messy bit of seaweed, eh? Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD CARELESS WHISKERS I hereby claim the trainspotter's award for your March issue. In your article on Auf Wiedersehen Monty you talk to and picture the Monty programmer, one Peter Michael. The bloke in question is in fact Peter Harrap unless you know something I don't, like he's gotten married to George Michael or something.     While I'm writing, I'd also like to ask a question. Where do you find all those stray dogs who write for your tatty magazine? Byeee! AJ McNair London E5 Well actually, the rumours about Peter and George have been flying round the office for weeks, but our lips are sealed, so we can't tell you any more. Sorry! A trainspotter award is on its way to persuade you to keep it quiet. As to the stray dogs, well, we get them from the same place you bought your toupee - Battersea Dogs Home! Ed

EEK-EEK-EEK!
What a bunch of demented bog-brushes. What a load of absolutely overgrown baboons. The IQ of all the YS crew must amount to three.
    Almost every month you do a preview, for example the Auf Wiedersehen Monty one in the March issue. You then said that it would be released in Easter. Then, turn back a few pages (rustle rustle) to the charts and look under the YS Bubblers, and what do we see but Auf Wiedersehen Monty - not again! So are the YS crew just a bunch of recruits from the zoo, or I could be made to keep quite with one trainspotter award.
Rory 'finished Feud the
second time I played it'
Dow, Cheltenham, Glos
PS Bring back the dinosaurs!

There's so much bribery going on - it's appalling. Okay, here's your award. Now I must go - it's feeding time for the animals. Ggrrrrrooooowwwllllll! Oh flippin' heck, it's that tyrannosaurus again! Ed. No it's not, it's a Roget's Thesaurus. Phil

A STOUR NOTE
This time I'm writing on a serious subject. After seeing "Daffy Duck's" letter in the April issue, and reading your reply, I think it's time someone genuinely told you the true facts of piracy from our point of view.
    Firstly, I know why the writer of the letter did not give his real name and address. Not because he's a coward, but because he knows that doing so could well lead to him being tracked down and raided by GOSH and/or FAST, and he doesn't of course want to be fined thousands of pounds. If you hate pirates as much as you say you do, and you agreed to print no letters that were sent in by pirates, then let me tell you it would be a very small letters page. Now if you can show me a non-pirate with several new games, then I'll show you either a well-paid person or an out-and-out liar.
    And I'll bet that unless the YS team who own Speccies are paid good money, then even some of you lot have or have had pirate games at some time.
    At the moment, the closest comparison to the software industry is the record industry. Albums are far, far more widely copied than software, yet the industry stays on top. How come? Let me tell you how..,
    Firstly, the record industry does not publish massive double-page full-colour advertisements in every relevant magazine advertising the same product for three or four months in a row. (Are you listening, Ocean?)
    Secondly, generally with a record you get what you pay for - a track on a record has as much time, planning and effort put into it as your average game, and certainly it provides as much pleasure. However, on an album costing £6.95, you would expect around eight to twelve tracks. For the same price, you would be lucky to get a popular game (are you taking notes, all you £14.95 game producers?)
    Next, copying a game is not similar to nicking an album from Virgin - it's more akin to copying it from somebody who bought it from Virgin.
    Lastly, have you ever noticed how the big companies don't like £1.99 budget games being in the charts next to their £9.95 creative geniuses? And shall I tell you why? Simple, it's because these pocket-money games are excellent value for money, and the piracy rate for Mastertronic and Firebird games is literally zilch compared to those of the enormous producers. (Could this have something to do with their price, which also has something to do with the fact that they rarely advertise?)
    This, high and mighty software-empire owner, is the plain fact of life: your overheads are too high, so your prices are far too high. If you must know this from other people, why not publish a survey in YS asking all pirates to fill in which games they most pirate and why? Better still, ask Mastertronic how it keeps the pirates at bay. And T'zer, if you call yourself a fair judge, then print this letter so that the real facts can be known to us all.
Ainsley Rowley
Stourbridge, West
Midlands

Having a good reason to commit a crime doesn't make it any less illegal, or reduce the punishment for those people who are caught red handed. Having said that, the people who have most to gain from software piracy aren't the few unemployed kids who can't afford the games, but the real villains who copy and sell the games on a really commercial basis. But you've made a few interesting comments. Have any other YS readers something to say on this topic? Ed

SIX APPEAL
I have 101 interesting uses for YS (well six but it's near).
    1 ) Tightly rolled up it makes a good weapon to hit people with (take a hint, Ex Ed).
    2) Flat out it makes a good beret.
    3) It's also a good sunshade (but there's no sun!)
    4) Stick two together and it makes a paper bag (to put over T'zer's head!)
    5) Good wallpaper.
    6) You may even want to read it!!!!
Clare 'Slartibartfast'
White
Penzance, Cornwall
PS I think the new-look mag is great but please cut down on the titles for compos (and Cleggs!) We've only got an old geriatric in our post office... so help him! Cut it down to a couple of million words!
PPS I'd give you my last Rolo any time, Gwyn!

Slartibartfast? Ed. Gesundheit! Phil

A HUNNERD AN' EIGHTEE!
We claim to be the first people to beat Jammy Jim in the final of 180 by Mastertronic and it only took us two days to do it. So hard luck Mark Williams.
Paul Ketteridge and Nell
Harvey
Saffron Walden, Essex

Hmm. You didn't say how much beer it took! Ed

I SUBMIT!
I've written a computer game called The Ultimate Adventure on my Spectrum 48K which I think is worthy of publication. But I'm worried about how to market it. I would be grateful if you could tell me what price I should look for, which publishing company I should send it to and whether or not I should get a copyright for it before I send off the game.
Patrick Clark
Dublin, Eire.

It's best to give prospective companies a ring before you send your game to them, just to check on their needs as far as submissions are concerned. Ask to speak to the software acquisitions department, as they're the people who'll be looking at your game, and find out if it's the kind of game they'll be looking for. A good wheeze is to look around and see who publishes something similar to the game you've written and try them first. Good luck! Ed
    

SMALL PRINT PPPPS I think I'm going to run out of roo... Elliot Curtis, Watford(ish) Run out of what? Rooikats? Rooks? Root nodules? Roosters? Please be more explicit! Ed I think the magazine has improved a lot since T'zer took over as Editor, but where is our crossword? I love doing crosswords. Robert Kenny Griffiths, Aberystwyth I couldn't agree with you more. There's absolutely no hope of finding a crossword in Frontlines this month! Ed Who is that dinky broad snogging the lamppost and leaning on the overweight bog brush in your T-shirt ad? Barry 'Baz the Spaz' Cheeseman, Wilts That's Phil actually. And the overweight bog brush is none other than the Man Ed. Ed I have absolutely nothing to do with that playboy, Jeffrey Archer. Stuart Archer, Aviemore I bet he paid you to say that! Ed Will you marry me? Graham Scott, Poole No. Ed PS The letters PS really stand for Pervy Staff, 'cos you all are. Luke 'Ace' Phillips, Stafford Cor! Wahay! Cop a load of that! Us? Pervy? Never. Ed. Actually they stand for me. Phil Snout When will the T'zer T-shirt be coming out? Keith Gladdis, Manchester You mean the T'zer shirt. I'm gladdis to tell you - never! Ed PPPPPPPPPPPS A starfish can turn its stomach inside out. Anonymous, Codsall, Wolvorhampton So can Phil. B!eeeeurrghhhhh! But we won't go into that. Ed

Doodlebugs

Doodlebugs