GOOD EVANS!
Many people have written to you asking what the word T'zer means. I've been doing a bit of research on this subject and it appears that T'zer is another word for the magical waving stick of the ancient demi-god Goatie McPipe (he of the homicidal flying beard). He terrorises the good people of Walsall with his companion Gubernacle, the racing alien minule warrior. This waving stick, formally known as the goat's plod, is extremely large and is used to suffocate the innocent victims upon which the great goat feeds. So now you know.
Stuart Evans
Great Barr, Birmingham

Ahh, yes. It's gratifying to see our readers know their ancient Anglo Saxon lore. Have you read that great tome on matters Goatalogical, Demi- Goats Of The Midlands by Professor Malcolm 'Chomper' McAllister? A fine book, with some particularly pertinent chapters on "The Goat's Plod - Is It Rude And If Not Why Not?', 'The T'zer- Hit Me With Your Waving Stick', and "Goatie McPipe's Beard Leftover Cookbook'. A fascinating read, and only £199.95 in hardcover, or £49.95 wrapped in clingfilm. Ed

WHAT A BOOB!
Just writing to let you know how I'm getting on with Fist II. Imagine the seen (sic) on Fist II, side 2. After kicking and punching hairy chested ninjas and men who seem to wear more make-up than Madonna I suddenly reach screen three - the jungle. Smack!!! Crack!! Whoop! Och, arrrgh ... got me!! Plop. At last got him ... wait a minute, what's that? ... There in the bushes ... a face ...a neck...an arm...a pair of @!*?! I couldn't believe my eyes (they were so big! My eyes I mean!) Melbourne House is either blind or needs its head bleached! Right there on the top right hand corner was a woman wearing her birthday suit! I mean to say ... come on... once noticed never forgotten! They stick out like a ... (Enough of that! Ed). All I can say is keep up the good work Melbourne House.
David Smith
Shoeburyness, Essex

In her birthday suit you say. Is that a bit like a dinner suit? Do you wear it only on your birthday? I really don't know what you're talking about. What on earth is a pair of @!*?!? Is it an elephant - they never forget. Well, I s'pose I'll never know but whatever it is, if it makes you happy then I agree - Melbourne House, keep up the good thingummyboobs! Ed

WITTY KAT
Having recently bought Gauntlet I loaded it up and was instantly hooked. After half an hours play I realised that I was stuck in a maze and couldn't reach an exit.
    Enter my cat, a fat, fluffy creature whose entire objective in life is to eat meat and sleep (Sounds like Phil! Ed). Then in a violent burst of raw energy he leapt onto my Speccy and flopped down on the keyboard. As I was about to kick him off I noticed that my character had moved through the wall. After this outstanding observation I kicked the cat off my computer (Note to Animal Rights Activists: I was wearing slippers). Realising that there must be a bug in the game I tried all the keys and eventually I found that if you move the joystick in the direction you want to go in and press symbol shift you'll go through a wall. Oh, and you can load in any maze you want after the first one. Anyway I've got to go, my cat's about to give me a few tips on Space Harrier.
Ariya 'Jetman'
Priyansantha
Bury, Lancashire

Just imagine what a cat-aclysmic cat-astrophe your pussy could've caused if he'd crashed the game. As it is he sounds positively cat-atonic sleeping about all day - p'raps he thinks your Speccy is a Cat-apillow. Still, your kitty could catechise you a thing or two - is he a southerner by any chance or does he come from Cat-alonia? And yes, I agree with the Animal Rights Activists - kicking your feline friend is catty in the extreme, why not swing him instead? Ed

BEEP BOP DE LULA
I've just written a fabbo computer program and I was wondering if you would print it. Anyway here it is...Beeeeeeep Boodly, boodly, boodly, Beeeeeeeeeep... Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr idly, idly... Beeeep... Beeeep... Bidly, bidly, bidly, bidly... Boooooooooooop!! There! Wasn't that brill? It's called Bidly Bidly Boop. All you have to do is put a blank tape in your recorder and tape this letter from Your Sinclair, then load it into your Speccy. What could be simpler?
Roy 'my friend
completed Paperboy
before Steve Woodward'
Pittendrigh
Morpeth,
Northumberland

I can name at least one million things that could be simpler. Like climbing Mount Everest with no legs or arms or learning to speak 38 different languages with a lisp in three hours or getting a completely ludicrous letter printed in Your Sinclair. Try as we might we couldn't get your program to load. I don't know whether the YS tape recorder has packed up (it didn't seem to like having your letter shoved in it) or there's a problem with your program. But I'm sure Bidly Bidly Boop will be a roaring success. Ed

CANTERBURY TALES
Well, strike me down with an Exploding Fist II - chop! Would you believe it, I met a Cobra yesterday so I reached for my Top Gun out of my top pocket but it wasn't there - Impossaball - it must be. Luckily I was a Ninja Master and had my Samurai Sword and undid the back of my Spectrum only to find a Short Circuit. What an Explorer I was. Could you Imagine that? What an Epyx.
Dave Hall
Canterbury, Kent

It doesn't sound half as exciting as The Sydney Affair - Shockway Rider it was. Thingy And The Doodahs met in the Elevator Action and he fell Head Over Heels in love with her at first sight. His lips began to Pulsator, if he could get her to come out with him for a Bangkok Night he'd have made a great Catch 23. He had a bit of a reputation as a Wonderboy and she was a bit of an Oddball but they were a perfect Matchpoint. But it was never to be, their romance caused a huge Koranis Rift and there was Big Trouble In Little China from The President of the company. All is Fairlight II in love and war after all. Ed

STAR LETTER SUPPLEMENTARY BENEFIT I am unemployed at the moment and I had only one pound of my dole left. I was pondering which magazine to buy so I had a quick shifty through them all, and then spotted yours. So, I looked through it and it looked good so I parted with my cash. I ran home and locked myself in the bathroom and started to read. It was brilliant. The reviews are great and so is everything else but the best bit was Question Of Sport. So from now on you can be assured of my one pound a month.     Yours skint but happy John O'Shea Whitworth, Lancs I'm pleased we've made a poor man very happy. Though I must say that you've got exceedingly good taste - you couldn't have picked a better magazine. It's worth every penny and just to prove it I'm sending you a bundle at software for writing the star letter. Ed

DICKLESTICKS
Ever since I've had a Sinclair I've been stuck on millions of games ... is there anybody out there who can send me POKEs to the following games: Seabase Delta, Marble Madness, Shrewsbury Key and Sherlock Holmes. If you print this letter I'll kiss my brother's feet (Yuk!) Thanks again.
Gary Dicker
Verwood, Dorset

Get kissing, Garfield. Well, is there anybody out there? Ed. A question that has occupied the minds of the world's philosophers and astronomers since the dawn of time. Is there anybody out there, or are we all just figments of each other's imagination. Are you not really here at all and am I in fact surrounded by billions of seething, squawking fish? Phil. Shut up! Ed Squawk! Phil

CAULIWOBBLES
Guess what T'zer, in the March issue I found, yes I found a teeny weeny mistake in T'zers. It was about a cauliflower on the bottom of the first column. Instead of talking of cauliflowers you put taking of cauliflowers, which doesn't makes sense does it? Gis' a trainspotter award and I won't mention another muck-up in your magazine.
Richard Howell
Lonlevens, Gloucester

Taking of cauliflowers, are you going to be a vegetable all your life? If you were in your local greengrocers and you were buying a cauliflower then taking of cauliflowers would make perfect sense, unless of course you were having a leek. Cos your lettuce was wrong I'm not going to send you a trainspotter award but to beetrootful you do deserve something. You are the proud winner of the illustrious Wilting Asparagus Award. Ed

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
In the March edition of YS in Frontlines I noticed you'd printed 'Romeo, Romeo, Wherefor art thou Romeo? I'm in the loo go away!' Hereby implying that wherefor means where. Let me tell you that wherefor means why? (No. Ed). So, when Juliette says Romeo, Romeo, wherefor art thou Romeo, she means Romeo, Romeo why are you Romeo. And if you don't take my word for it, take my English teacher's, my sister's (coming out of university) and any other Shakespearian connoisseur.
Serge Oldale
Cobham, Surrey

Wrong again. Y'see, Juliet (note spelling, smuggo) was a wee bit distraught when she spoke those words (wouldn't you be, in front of that huge audience every night?) and she really meant to say 'Where are you, Romeo?' I mean, if some Elizabethan wench suddenly yelled at you from a balcony 'Why are you Serge?" you'd reply 'because that's what my parents called me, you gormless tottie'. Stands to reason, dunnit? Ed

THE CRAMPS
I'm afraid to say that your brill mag has given me writer's cramp. And here are the reasons why:
    1. I have written to you many times and not had one letter printed. Well, I've got to admit, when I wrote it was a horrid Ed and not you (kiss kiss) who received it.
    2. I have entered so many campos and haven't won one.
    3. The addresses for compos are so long. When writing the Jailbreak one my hand almost fell off!
    4. Even this letter has just about killed me, and you wouldn't want that 'cos I'm just about to send off for my YS Subs. So what do you suggest I do then?
    Yours Crampingly,
David Hobbs
Bitterden, Kent

I'm sorry YS cramps your style but I can't help it if you've got limp wrists. Perhaps you should train a group of chimpanzees to do all your writing for you. I've found this is very effective. Ed 'Ere what d'ya mean. Pass me that banana. Phil

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD Dearest T'zer, Hah! I hereby claim my trainspotter award for an error in your March issue. Now I know misshapen balls when I see them, and on your page of footie reviews what do I see flitting across the page? A rugby ball, that's what! What on earth is it doing there? Why do I buy YS? Why have I got the IQ of a demented gorilla? What am I talking about? Crazy Hoss Chelmsford, Essex Dunno really but it made me laff which is why I'm sending you this month's trainspotter award. Is your IQ really that high? Ed 'Ella, 'ella, 'ella! Your own very unlocal PC here to inform you that you are a bunch of gormless tattles. It is a serious offence to miss out the review box for Hyperball (March issue) and a danger to society to cut out the top line of the Harvey Headbanger review. We can also put you away for a long time for spelling Peter Zoetewey's name wrong. Okay then, you are all now under arrest. You have the right to remain silent (Some hope. Ed)... blah... blah... blah. You have been found guilty as charged and your total sentence adds up to one squillion years but I'll let you off if you send me a Trainspotter Award.     Yours blackmailingly Murray 'PC Plod' Adam Aberdeen, Scotland You'll never guess, but we've received 234,701,587 letters not unlike this one. Unfortunately only you will be receiving a Trainspotter award as we like to keep in with boys in blue. Keep up the good work, chaps, and would you mind taking that clamp off my car? Ed

STINGS LIKE A BEE
Dear anyone who can read at Castle Rathbone (which excludes T'zer). Why, why, why has Max Phillips been vaporised from the back page of YS? The mag is turning into Attack Of The Mutant T'zers! It was bad enough that the she- devil should become Ed but then getting rid of Backlash was the final straw. It's silly to have T'zers and Future Shocks as they are virtually the same thing. So why don't you restore Max Phillips to the back page!
Muhammad The Banana
Aberdeen, Scotland
PS I'd like this letter to be published but l know it's not witty enough.

Too right it's not witty enough to be published, which is why I'm printing it. Hopefully you'll be too embarrassed ever to raise your head in public again. For your information Max was vaporised from the back page because he was taken over by a group of mutant alien bananas heavily disguised as 'arty' chokes - there was nothing anybody could do, least of all me. And as for Future Shocks and T'zers being the same thing, don't be daft - Future Shocks is funny! Ed

MARK MY WORDS
What's all this about not knowing what the symbol TM means on the review of the game Masters Of The Universe. It means, of course, Teresa Maughan the luscious Editor of this fab mag. Rachael Smith probably made all those odd comments in her review because she only knows T'zer as Miss Maughan. May I warn you, Rachael, that calling He-man a moron may lead to some GBH.
Simon Creig
Lydney, Gloucester

What I object to is calling the moron 'He-Man' when, in these non-sexist times, 'He/She/It-Person' would be far more appropriate. And I'd also like to know what GBH stands for. Gordon Bennett of Hertfordshire? Gary's Been Hare-coursing? I think we should be told! Rachael. Thank you, she-devil! Ed

OLD CROCK
This evening while I was watching the beginning of the Brothers McGregor on ITV I noticed a sign saying Rathbone Motors. Is this a subsidiary company of Castle Rathbone? Has the Ed started to sell old cars? Perhaps this is why the quality of the magazine has gone up considerably. The Ed must now be too busy at his new job selling second hand cars to lower the standard of YS. I hope he stays permanently away from the magazine. I would however like to complain about the March issue. On the front it said still only a £1. Considering you've only just raised the price I think this is most unfair. You are conning people into thinking the magazine has cost £1 for a long time. Was this the Ed's last deed before he left the mag?
RA Wilkins
Dyfed, Wales
PS Who is the new Ed

Me! To be fair I can only say that putting 'still only £1' on the cover was in fact the Ed's last dirty deed! But I can assure you it won't be going up, well, apart from this month 'cos we're giving you a super duper Ocean game. After that it'll be still only £1 if you see what I mean. Oh, and before you go, I've got this racy little number out the back, new spoilers... two months MOT... to you guv - four ponies! Ed
    

PURE GENIUS?
Dear My Sinclair (well, I bought it!). As you can see this is a witty letter...and there it goes, straight across two tables, a typewriter, knocks off a bottle of Tippex (well, whisky) and straight in the filing cabinet - technical term for bin! 'Cos that's all you do, throw them in the bin. I've given up counting how many times I've written letters to you. Anyway here's a couple of points that would make your mag better.
    1. Stop putting spanish question marks at the end of each sentence.
    2. Hang the Ex Ed by his feet (that's where his brain is)!
    3. Do you take bribes to print letters?
    4. Give T'zer a big pay rise.
    5. I've been playing a game (Disgusting! Ed) where I spot how many times the names T'zer and Ed appear. Tough luck Ed! T'zer rules!
    6. More maps.
    7. Print more silly letters!
    That's about it really!
Steve McGuinness
Litherland, Liverpool

As American politicians always say, let's go through this one point by point, Bob.
    1. Que? 2. Few would dare venture close to the Mighty Tootsies of His Reverence the Ex Ed. The consequences even of removing his shoes are too ghastly ever to be even considered - and taking his socks off would make The Fly look like Mary, Mungo And Midge. 3. Yes. 4. Are you reading this up in Accounts? 5. So does the Ed, clot. They are but one and the same - where you bin, blue eyes? 6. Send 'em in if you want more printed! 7. Nah, what we need are more serious letters, just like this next one...

LITTLE BUG, UH?
For all you (48K) Fairlight II players out there, try pressing the Space at the end of part 1 and see what happens.
Stuart 'Bugfinder' Forbes
Newent, Gloucester
PS Print this letter or I'll come round personally and make you listen to Barry Manilow.

'Oh Mandy, you came (what?) and you gave without... ' Sorry, I had my Walkman on. What did you say? Oh, right ... hey it's amazing - you'd never believe a computer program could be that disgusting. Try it for yourselves and see. I'm going back to listen to Tchaikovsky's greatest hits. 'I write the songs that make ...' Ed

SHELLEY, OR SHAN'T HE?.
Dear Gwyn, you must know what it's like to be in love, so can you please print this little poem. Thanks.
    To my dearest Tina
    I love you, can't you see?
    My only wish is,
    That you would love me!
    
    You're now dating someone new,
    And that makes me mad.
    But because you're my loved one,
    I'm also quite sad.
    
    Now I'm on the last verse,
    But to keep this poem turning,
    I love you Tina, I must say
    You keep my heart a-burning.
    
    I would be grateful if you didn't print my name.
Name and address
withheld

Steve from Congleton, I wouldn't dream of printing your name, I'm very tactful in matters of the heart. I think you're a bit misdirected writing to Gwyn though, he knows nothing about being in love. He thinks a candlelit dinner for two is looking for the last chip in the bag with his lighter! I reckon you should send this poem to Tina in a perfumed envelope with a red rose and serenade her. Will you do that for me Iovey? If that doesn't work tell Tina to bog off and you go and find another fish in the sea. I hear turbots are quite romantic. Ed
    

SMALL PRINT PS I'm the only guy in Surrey with a bright yellow C&A Banana Jacket. Richard James Dadds Camberley, Surrey No wonder you're the only guy in Surrey! Ed PPS This letter was written when travelling at 120 mph on the M62 just past the Whitley Bridge! Richard Shore Burn, North Yorks Weren't you the pillock who crashed into me whilst I was writing T'zers on the Whitley Bridge! Ed PS Three cheers for the new Ed. Hip, hip, hooray... Jason A Gardner Paignton, Devon Mine's a pint of vodka. Cheers! And another. Csheers! Asnd jush... one more...sheers. Ed Why do never you my print brilliant letters structured? Kenneth Banks Glasgow, Scotland 'Cos print we perfectly mag formed only letters this in. Ed Please print this letter as I bet my dad 50p that this letter will get published. Christopher Conway Chelmsford, Essex Your dad owes you 50p and me ten quid! Ed If you print this I'll die!!!!! Peter Ansell Blackpool, Lancs Where would you like to be buried? Ed I'm 23 years old and six feet tall and therefore I'm a loathsome BIG nerd. Bill Morrison You said it. Ed I'm a Finnish schoolboy... Mikko Tahtinen Tarttila, Finland Well, eat more then. I hear Tarttila chips are fattening. Ed PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPS The P key has just got stuck on my typewriter. Daniel Davies and Jonny Piper Camberley, Surrey Why don't you... P off! That's funny the t, u, r, n, h, e keys don't work on my typewriter either. Ed

Doodlebugs