A LEG-END CONTINUES
Recently I found these legs in our local newspaper. After comparing them with my mother's I realised they should be from a more sexy person. Then suddenly I knew it... T'zer! If it's really true these fantastic legs are T'zer's please send me her address!
Martin van Spanje
Holland

Yes, it's true. These fantastic legs are from none other than the gorgeous, delectable, yummylicious, scrumalurvely Nora Batty. Well spotted, Martin. I bet you can tell an Edam from a cricket ball! Here's Nora's address: Eee Bye Gum House, Ferret Place, Footofourstairs Village, Yorkshire Bitter. Ed

HEX EDUCATION
Is Hex Loader a bird brain or just plain stupid! Well, this one's got to win a trainspotter award or I'll eat my Hornby railway set! In the Jan '87 issue, Hex made a real 'cock-up'. In his tips for Trapdoor he said, and I quote, "The bird's eyes will bulge... he'll hover, then fly off to the next room, he should then lay an egg!"
    Er... just one thing. How the hell can he lay an egg??!!! Isn't it about time you explained to Hex about the birds and the he's? (Groan. Ed). Alternatively, you can always take Hex to the vets and have his Hack Free Zone cut!
    Yours 'Cor look, there goes an APT',
Philip Carney
Penrith Cumbria

No wonder the poor old bird's eyes were bulging. Wouldn't yours be if you were trying to lay an egg. Okay, so Hex made a mistake, but you have to forgive him. After all, he's only a heap of metal with a chip on his shoulder. We've tried explaining about the birds and the he's but he can't get his tentacles round the concept and he's already been welded - one Hex Loader is enough for anyone! Still, I'm not going to send you a trainspotter award - I reckon it'll be a lot more fun watching you eat your Hornby train set. Ed

DUCKHEAD
I'm a software pirate and proud of it. I've got over 700 pirated games, many of which are top selling titles like Paperboy, Nightmare Rally, Lightforce, Uridium and many, many more. I get most of the games from my friends and copy them using the Multiface one.
Daffy Duck
Disney Land, Florida

If you're so proud of being a software pirate why didn't you send in your real name and address? I think maybe it's because you're not only an idiot but a coward to boot. Apart from being illegal, pirating games is damaging to the software industry. Every game pirated means loss of revenue to the software company concerned which inevitably means less money is available to develop new games. Worse still, people like programmers may lose their jobs. Copying a game is tantamount to walking into Virgin and stealing an album. And that's certainly not something to be proud of! Ed

ALL CHANGE
Dear T'zer,
    Now that you're the Ed, I think the mag is due for a few changes! Come on, you're a fashionable girl (well I think so!) - make YS fashionable as well. I think you could start by adding more pages and giving us longer reviews. Also what about doing some pages on games, POKEs and tips especially for 128 and +2 owners. And I for one would like to see more interviews, particularly with the higher echelons of Amstrad.
    Finally, now that you're the Ed, there seems no logical reason to keep the Ex Ed at Castle Rathbone. Sack him!
David Anderson
Harrow, Middlesex
PS Or you could give him a job as your personal cleaner!!!

We've already started making a few changes on YS. There's now three pages of hints 'n' tips, a page of T'zers and at least 22 colour pages of reviews and previews. We do review 128 games and give tips on them but until more games are produced we're unable to devote a special section to them. What's more, to increase our hints'n'tips and POKEs on games we need you to help by sending the information to us, so get your fingers out! As for the Ex Ed, I could never sack him, not ever - he makes a lovely cup of tea! Ed

STAR LETTER A NIT IN TIME You'll never believe this but I've just invented a time machine. It's called the Submegasonicelectromagneticallyconductedwarpdrive 50 Activator Mark III and it's made out of a quadruple tensile heat-treated ultra frequency featherlite titanium frame... not bad eh?     Anyway, I took it into my bedroom, hitched it up to my Speccy and selected the year 1527. I then powered it up and BLAM! The next thing I knew I was stuck in the top of a tree on a hill. I opened the door and fell straight out onto a pile of horse manure below!     Suddenly, out of the blue, a bunch of soldiers attacked me. I put up a brave fight but gave up after 15 seconds. They dragged me away and threw me into a dungeon 50 foot below a massive castle... Luckily though I managed to keep alive on a giant Mars Bar (I love 'em. Ed).     Please help me. The instructions for the machine are in the top drawer of my desk at home. You must build a replica and come and help me out of this mess quick! Carl Gwynedd, North Wales PS I love you T'zer... will I ever see your face in YS again? Who do you think you are, HG Wells? I didn't know they had such a good postal system in 1527. Seriously, though, we've uncovered your plans but we've had a bit of trouble building the replica - mainly because we ran out of sticky-backed plastic. Anyway, we've done our best and your knight in shining armour (well, Phil in his track suit) should be on his way to rescue you. We bought you a couple of giant Mars Bars to be going on with but unfortunately I ate them, so you'll have to make do with the wrappers - they're probably more nutritious anyway. See you back in 1987, though I can't promise that you'll see my face in YS again, especially after the next letter... Ed

GET HER OFF
Dear Hiss, Boo, Get her off, Tzer. Me and my brother think that people who love and adore T'zer should go and get their heads tested before it's too late. I say this because I'm sick and tired of people writing to you and saying how lovely she is. From the picture in the December issue I saw nothing to convince me that she's lovely and beautiful. I don't think she'd win a beauty contest in Bognor Regis.
    So, come on, get some talent in the mag. Let's have more Sam Fox or even a piccy of Princess Di. And send T'zer on the next shuttle to Jupiter.
Andy and Les
Warrington, Cheshire

Sniff, sob, you really know how to hurt someone don't you? Sniff, okay you know my secret I only came second in the Bognor Regis Glamorous Grannies contest! Perhaps the people who write in do need to have their heads tested, sniff, but at least they try and make me feel better. Weep, sniff. From now on I'll wear a Sainsbury's carrier bag over my head - I hope that makes you happier. After reading your last paragraph, though, I didn't feel quite so bad - if you think Princess Di and Sam Fox are 'talent' then I think you need your head tested. Anyway here are two piccies for you to dribble over. Ed

SIL-LY BILLY
I'm thoroughly disgusted! I have made absolutely no effort whatsoever to make this letter interesting, relevant, humourous, unintelligent or uninformative - I could go on... (No, you couldn't. Ed) AND IT STILL GETS PUBLISHED!
    Yours,
    Someone, who has recently become disillusioned with your letters pages and will know you've 'bottomed out' if you print this letter, called...
Sil
Cork, Ireland

You'd never catch us 'bottoming out' which is why I've got absolutely no intention of printing your letter. Ed

OCHE DOKEY
I claim to be the first person to beat Jammy Jim in the finals of Mastertronic's 180. When you beat him the computer prints:
    You beat Jammy Jim in the final, you should take up the game professionally.
Mark Williams, Age 10

Congratulations you jammy thing you. You've got a few years yet though before you'll be able to take up the game professionally. You have to have all sorts of specialised skills that only come with maturity, like weighing 15 stone and being able to drink 20 pints of lager. Ed

DARTS
I claim to be the first Wally rated idiot to lose against Delboy Desmond in Mastertronic's 180. Am I a record breaker?
Michelle Williams, Age 11
Swavesey, Cambridge
PS You'd of thought I'd have known better!

I certainly would. I mean, fancy admitting you've been beaten by Delboy. I'd say you're definitely a record breaker - I don't think anyone else would admit to such a defeat. Unless, of course, someone out there knows different... Ed

WHAT A SWISS
Imagine my surprise when I saw the Ed was actually the Ex Ed!! I wished the new Ed would bring new things to the mag. But my surprise was over when I saw the new price. Come on Teresa 'Somerset' Maugham (it's Maughan actually! Ed) what are you doing with these extra two pences? Let's do a bit of calculation:
    1.00 - 0.98 = click, click, trumble + 0.02
    How many YS are sold each month?
    - Code dfsdhfksjfh, secret sadj
    Secret Terminal Enter Code:
    dfsdfhfksjfh
    Secret?
    OK, answer 12987
    02*12987+Approx £260 a month...
Ralph Schwegler
Switzerland
PS You don't win any pence from me - I subscribed.

There's only one problem with your calculation - the magazine went up by five pence not two. So, you saved even more money by subscribing - what a bargain! Ed

OUT DAMN COX
Chuffed at your elevated position, no doubt, and glad to have that scurvy knave with the quivering moustache, Kevin Cox kicked upstairs. I thought the Feb issue was pretty good and I was distinctly unchuffed at the Man Ed's intervention on Letters. The cover is a distinct improvement on most of last year's selection. Fantasmagorical Nosferatu poster. Thanks awfully for the 5p kit thingy in Frontlines, I needed it to relieve myself but unfortunately the public toilet door remained shut. And I agree with Andrew Toone's letter. I for one would like to see absolutely reams of utilities such as Speech Melba, Tuna Pate and Movin' And Groovin'. I shudder to think of losing my peaceful read of your mag. No T'zer, no Caroline, no t'others. I can't do without YS ever! Fab. I love YS.
Graeme Allan
A rather satisfied
customer
Dundee, Scotland

You are obviously a man of impeccable taste (the cheque's in the post). I too would like to see far more utilities, but we need you to send them in. You'll not only receive the fame that Andrew Toone's had (he's now working as Fanny Cradock's sidekick) but you'll also receive a fortune too! Couldn't agree with you more about the quiverer's drivellings in the Feb ish, though. Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD Ha! So you thought you could catch us out with your review of Colossus Bridge 4 in the Feb issue. I know computer magazines are supposed to be non-violent but that doesn't mean you've got to omit the clubs from card games. The screen shots show diamonds, hearts and spades (I didn't know you could get a pack of cards with two six of spades) but I see no clubs. You've got two alternatives:     1. Either bung me a trainspotter award real pronto.     2. Or arrange a night out at Stringfellows for myself and Teresa Maughan! (Drool, gibber and all that stuff.) Robert Campbell Coaltown of Wemyss, Fife PS Can you get into Stringfellows wearing an anorak? I think you'll find the row of cards at the bottom are actually clubs! But, since I don't go anywhere without my anorak, especially clubbing, and you can't get into Stringfellows wearing one I'll just have to send you a trainspotter award. Ed

CADGING A BADGE
I have enclosed a piccy of your most famous person. No, not you (or T'zer) but the most inimitable person in YS. Yes! The YS trainspotter. Secondly I have a gripe (Have you seen a doctor? T'zer). So far I've appeared twice in the magazine - once in Hex's Heroes and once in letters - and I've still not received a badge. If I don't get one soon I'll draw a picture of T'zer and repeatedly send it in.
Andrew Styles
Southminster, Essex

Hey wow, if you do that we'll be forced to publish it! Then you'll never get your badge! In fact we're well aware of the badge problem. Since our industrial dispute with the Amalgamated Union of Badge Mailers, Jiffy Staplers and Allied Clerical Operatives, YS badges have had to be smuggled out in armoured vans, one by one. We're doing our best to get them out, but bear with us. Ed

CAT-ASTROPHE!
HOW DARE YOU! In Tommy Nash's preview of Short Circuit in the Feb issue he says whodunnit in The Mousetrap. That has been the greatest kept secret in this country for 33 years - nobody knew apart from the people who had seen the play. And now TN goes and gives the game away, you... you... Commodore user. Now millions... thousands? Well, okay 83 people know the outcome of The Mousetrap without having seen it. I may have to stop buying the mag 'cos of this outrage.
David 'The original DJ'
Jenkins
Willesden, London

Not that any of us knew. Fevered phone calls to friends of friends of relations of small furry animals belonging to someone's aunt who had seen the play (in 1958) eventually gleaned the all-important information, but it was a close run thing. And now, after all this work, you start complaining. We only did it for you (takes out onion). But if you don't want to know whodunnit pretend you've never read Tommy Nash 's piece. I bet it was the butler... Ed

HI HO SILVA
Aaaaaaaagghh! I can't stand it any more. How long are you going to keep using that terrible software chart of yours? I'm intrigued how you compile it. Do you hide behind the counters of all the popular software shops and take down what everyone buys? Who wants to know anyway? I mean, last year World Cup Carnival appeared out of nowhere and shot straight to number one in the charts. Anybody who saw that and went and bought it wasted ten quid 'cos it's rubbish.
    Why don't you keep the chart as it was in the old days with all the readers' ratings of their best games. That way we'll all know what games to get. I'm sure other readers would agree with me.
Danny Silva
Crowhurst, East Sussex

Have you ever seen any of the YS team hiding behind the counter of a software shop? I didn't think so. That just shows you how well disguised we are, nobody would ever guess we actually secrete ourselves inside the cash registers. The only trouble is we can't see anything so we have to get all our information from Gallup, the people who compile the record charts. It's true some games that aren't of the highest quality often shoot straight into the top ten, but they still seem very popular. As for a readers chart, can you imagine the chaos we'd create trying to squeeze all you lot into a till? Ed

COPPED IT
'Ello, 'ello, 'ello. Wot's all this then? In your great Xmas compo (is that a giant Nora Batty lookalike?) I noticed that the Ex Ed Kevin (crusher) Cox got question 7 wrong. He should know that the Bash Street kids have always been in the Beano. This gross error and miscarriage of justice cannot go unpunished. He is hereby sentenced to 12 parking tickets, three speeding tickets or one trainspotter award!! Is this why he's now the Ex Ed? Joking apart, he's been very helpful to me in my enquiries and I'd like to thank him.
Barry Hayes PC
Met. Police. Computer
Club, London

Funny you should ask that. The Ex Ed has in fact been helping the Police with their enquiries for a couple of months now, but it's something we don't generally talk about. Though he keeps spinning this yarn about doing a PC magazine. We've heard he's well and is staying in a nice little bed and breakfast in a quaint country village called Paddington Green. Still, I'm not sending you a trainspotter award so you'll just have to send him the three speeding tickets and 12 parking tickets. Alternatively you could jail him for life. Evenin' all. Ed

STRAIGHT FROM THE 'ART
Don't worry, this isn't a complaint. I am writing to tell you that I'm totally, utterly, completely disgusted that you have not printed a picture of the Art Ed before. Nobody ever told me how gorgeously, fantastically good looking he is. (He? What are you talking about? Ed). And when you do print his picture you tell us he's leaving!! What I want to know is how such a great magazine as YS can do such a thing.
    Well, come on you lot. No excuses, let's have some answers!
Claire Terry
Coxford, Southampton

We've had millions of letters like this one, too many names to print in fact. Okay, we've had just this one but we don't want to upset poor old Martin. Anyway we were as sorry to see him go as you so here's a special treat for you. Ed

MISPELT YOUTH
Deer YS,
    Oi jost bort Trap Door and oi tink it is thee best gam in thee owl uneeverce butt thers a probblemm, oim ooked on it. Butt, u may say, sow wot! Wel, as u can c, it is stopin mee from doin moi omworc. Can oi get ovre theee addicshun or am oi doomd to thee persils of thee Trap Door.
    Yors pleedinlee
Rory Dow
Address withheld

I'm afraid you do have quite a severe problem. At the moment you are in the early stages of the disease Gammeyplayis commonly known as Playful Polyps. As it progresses the symptoms become much worse - you lose your friends, your family, your house and finally your mind. The best thing to do is to go along to your local AA group (Arcade Anonymous) for expert help and advice. Ed
    

SMALL PRINT This is the third time I've written. M Andrews. Beverley, North Humberside And the first time you've had a whole letter printed no doubt. Ed If this letter is printed I don't want a YS badge so don't insult me by sending one. Neal Rycrofi Bexley, Kent Your YS badge is on its way. Ed PS I am on my hands and knees begging you to print this letter. Simon May Irchester, Northants Only on your hands and knees, eh! Any more offers? Ed I was going to write to you but I can't be bothered now! Pete Middleton, Manchester And I can't be bothered to reply either. Ed PS You may have seen my name before but I've never captained England in Rugby. Steve Smith Woolwich, London But you've captained them in Blackpool, haven't you! Ed YS is BRILL says me, my mum, my dad and my brother. Anthony Myvor Killingworth, Newcastle What about your sister, your aunt and your cousin's pet gerbil? I think we should be told. Ed PS T'zer is lurverly. Richy McMinn, Stirling, Scotland Not everyone agrees... PPPS T'zer looks like Quasimodo, Danish girls are prettier. Martin Jensen and Michael Bruhn Denmark I'll have your Danish bacon for being so rude. Fancy insulting a poor old campanologist like that. Ed Ooh hark at her. Phil PS Bring back Kevin Cox as Editor. James McDougal Leith, Edinburgh What on earth for? Shiny New Ed Not as shiny as the old Ed's ' ead. Phil I doubt you'll print this letter 'cos it's a complaint and it'll probably hurt your pride. DJ Smith Streatley, Berkshire Just shows you how wrong you can be. Ed

Doodlebugs