GOING FOR A SONG
Hi there! Whilst sitting on the great think tank last night - trousers round ankles and reading YS - a little ditty came to mind (cue witty comments). As yet there are no lyrics but here's the basic tune to be going on with:
    Do dumdum dooo,
    diddly diddly diddly do
    boom diddly dum do,
    dumdum dum (big build up)
    Doooodoooo
    Hope you all enjoy it, I was humming it all night!
Pete Shields
Middleton, Manchester

You don't fool me, I've heard that one before. It was the 1973 Swiss entry to the Eurovision Song Contest called Boom Diddly Dum Do, sung by Field Marshal Walter von Kloset und die Ballcocks. Incidentally it scored nul pwoints, easily beating the Norwegian entry, and reached number 1,065 in the Paraguayan charts. Trivial T'zer

IN THE NAVEL
I am not in the habit of communicating with journals, such as that you purport to 'edit' but I have been stirred from my inertia by a disgusting piece of sensationalism in your September issue entitled 'YS Bubble Gum Cards'. This described (totally erroneously I might add), the structure and function of 'belly-button fluff'. As president and founder member of the Royal Society for Research into Fibrous Navel Detritus (or FND as we call it), I feel most strongly that I must take you to task. Latest research has shown that FND is in fact the nesting material of the largely unknown submicroscopic lesser navel dormouse (Rattus umbilicus). Incidentally, I believe I am entitled to one of those 'trainspotter' thingummies for being, I believe, the only person alive able to recognise the rummy hole shown as belonging to none other than the luscious, lascivious Teresa Maughan.
Terry the Terror
Bradford, West Yorks

Hah! Well spotted, TT, the picture is in fact one of T'zer's rock cakes, doing a startlingly lifelike impression of Gwyn's disgraceful belly. As a founder member of Button Fiddlers Anonymous, I feel I must point out two flaws in your treatise on FND.
    1) The existence of the Rattus umbilicus has been proven to be an old wives tail, sorry, tale, by Prof Heinrich Von Naughtypicken in his best selling book Nicht Fingerpoken Und Fluffen Proben! A fine work! The weaving tips are particularly useful. 2) How on earth do you know what T'zer's Button looks like, hmm? Phil. Just a short excerpt from Phil South 's new blockbusting novel, How To Look A Complete Pillock In Only Ten Days. And no, you don't get a trainspotter award. T'zer

RAUNCHY RACHAEL
In reference to Gwyn's 'relationship' with that most gorgeous, sexy, shapely, raunchy and luscious of reviewers, namely Rachael Smith, I have only two things to say. 1. Gwyn, you lucky bar steward! and 2. Gwyn, you lucky bar steward!
Phantom Sweater
Middleton, Manchester

What's that you say? Gwyn a lucky bar steward? So he's been moonlighting has he? And not only that - he's been doing two other jobs as well. What I want to know is how come a reviewer on YS has the experience to serve alcoholic beverages to the public? On second thoughts he's probably had very good training. And where does the luscious Rachael fit in? I s'pose she's a bunny girl in her spare time! T'zer

STAR LETTER MAY THE FORCE... Your mag is a hero. (Heroine purlease! T'zer). After I'd finished my homework I decided to power up my faithful Speccy for a bit of relaxation and load up Lightforce. But, shock, horror, gasp, would you Adam 'n' Eve it, I couldn't get the flippin' thing to load. I sweated away for nearly an hour trying to get the darn thing to load and was just about to give up in despair, when I picked up the July issue of YS. And stone me, but the cover just fell off in me hands (honest guv!) I then ripped off a little piece from the corner and wedged it into my recorder to hold the tape still. Hey presto! Lightforce loaded with no probs at all. I know your mag has strange effects on people but on Speccies as well? I found the game a bit too easy as I reached 180,000 with five lives left. Still, I'll never forget that t'riffic July issue with its great powers of persuasion.     Amazing! Steve Flynn Andover, Hants You don't need to tell me about the supernatural effects of Your Sinclair. I fixed my washing machine with the October issue, stopped a burst pipe with the November issue and cooked a three course meal with all the trimmings with the December issue. Not only that, Your Sinclair can cure severe depression, the common cold and constipation. S'amazing! And my name's Alexander Fleming! T'zer

ISN'T SHE LOVELY
"Wow! Amazing. Cor worra woman!", I thought as I read the January issue of YS. No, I wasn't looking at T'zer, I was looking at the picture of Harriet Watson in the Vox Pop feature. After I'd pulled myself together I knew what I had to do... Yes, write in to you with an SOS - please can you get me Harriet's address. I know she may be a year or two older than me but I don't care. I'm not a poseur (though I do dress well) and I'm certainly not big headed. So, please Harriet contact me. We could be penpals or something...!
    Yours pleadingly,
Paul Johnson
Elstead, Surrey

Penpals eh? I wasn't born yesterday. I know why you want Harriet's address. Well, you're not getting away that easily. I'm going to expose you (Pardon? Phil) for what you really are. You'd do anything just to get your hands on something dark, sweet and gooey in the middle. Yes, you're a Rolo fetishist, you disgusting perv. If you want Harriet's address you'll just have to put an advert in Penpals like any other inhuman being. Now where did I put that giant Mars Bar? T'zer

PURLES OF WISDOM
I would just like to point out that I do not possess an anorak, neither do I use Ian McCaskill's specs. I'm sure you're not too interested in Cramptons, Egg-Timers, Rats, Whistlers, Slim Jims, Duffs, Christmas Trees, Peaks, Brushes, Choppers, Syphons and quite a few more.
    I think you are confusing the basic differences between gricers, bashers and trainspotters. Please send me the award and I'll say no more.
PW Purle
Ruislip, Middlesex

I should hope you don't use sunny Ian McCaskill's specs. How would he be able to read the weather map and drizzle on about the forecast and make the usual cock-ups if you did? It's snow joke being as blind as a bat, I can tell you. On the subject of Cramptons, Egg-Timers and such like - you're right. I'm not at all interested in a lumberjack's tools, especially his chopper. As for gricers, bashers and trainspotters - there are no basic differences - they're all names for Ian McCaskill. T'zer

IT'S GOT BELLS ON
Hey, I'm that 'Noddy' guy from Small Print in the January issue. I thought I'd tell you what would improve YS slightly. As well as having T'zers why don't you have an Ed's column? And where's our promised crossword? And what about The Quest For The Holy Grail maps and tips? I also think the YS T-shirts have too many doodles all over them when they could have just the YS logo as a designer label. This I wouldn't be embarrassed to wear.
Andrew 'Nods'
Carmichael
Clacks, Scotland
PS Before the Ed does one here's a Noddy joke:
    Q. Why do elephants have big ears?
    A. 'Cos Noddy can't pay the ransom.

That's a great idea about having an Ed's column and a T'zers column but we do it already 'cos I am the Ed, if you see what I mean. Write to Mike Gerrard and he'll send you tips for The Holy Grail - don't forget to include an sae. I think you've got a problem if you feel embarrassed wearing the superbly designed YS T-shirt with oodles of doodles. Are you sure you're not covering up (His chest? Phil) for some other affliction that you're embarrassed about. You can tell me love. Will you do that for me, will you?
    PS You're not getting away with such a noddy joke that easily.
    Q. What's red and blue and goes in, out, in, out?
    A. Noddy stuck in a revolving door. Boom Boom. T'zer

HUNT THE DICK
Why is it (sob, sob) that a certain person who just so happens to live at 36 Fleetwood Close, who answers to the name of Richard, has never won a compo in his life. I've spent £100's on stamps and envelopes and not one single teensy, weensy little thing has popped through the door saying you've won a compo and here are all your lurvely, lurvely games.
    In the Jan '87 issue nobody actually got the Jack The Nipper Compo right and I didn't bother to send an entry in 'cos I knew there would be no point (plus I was skint at the time) but I got all the answers right. So now you know why I'm so distraught and sobbing.
    Any little object would do - like a YS badge for printing this heart-shattering letter.
Richard Hunt
Sheerness, Kent

Have you ever thought about looking to see whether there's a hole in your door (called the letterbox)? Perhaps this could be the reason. Alternatively it could just be that you're a complete and utter idiot. I mean fancy not entering a compo just 'cos you think there's no point. Maybe that will teach you a lesson. Still, because I'm feeling rather generous at the moment I'll send you a YS badge. T'zer

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD Hey! What's this? "The Trainspotter's Christmas Box." Why, this is for me! Nice of this Mischa guy to think of me. Now let's see ... Aha! (Not Moron, Chum and Maggot again? T'zer).     "Gently remove centre pages"     Okay (rip). Oops! Now where's the tape? Ah, there it is. You sticky thing you... 'ere let go of my finger! There.     "Hold thus"     Wonder what that means.     "Fold along dashed line"     (Fold, fold, fold) So, where've all the instructions gone (Skim, skim).     How stupid to put them inside.     "Cut along top of book"     Call that a book! Now for the scissors. (Snip, snip) Ouch! I knew I should've got an adult to help me. Quick, I need a plaster before my copy of YS gets covered in blood.     "Staple or tape spine"     More sticky tape... rustle rustle... Oh no, I've done it inside out. More rustling. Hey presto! But what's this, the centre page is upside down. (Even more rustling ... ) Now the cover's upside down and hmm ... scratch... scratch, sniff ... sniff. How very peculiar. (More scratching and sniffing). Nothing happens! Have I been attacked by some rare and strange virus that has left me without my nasal faculties? Or is it that I just can't smell? Anyway, send me a trainspotter award and we'll hear no more about it. Dennis Lindqvist Kagerod, Sweden PS Nice to see you back again Kevin. I've always said his back is better than his front. T'zer

WHAT A WALLACE
Way back in the good ol' days (You mean when Barry Manilow was nothing more than a twinkle in his father's eye? T'zer), when time was dawning and the Spectrum was still young and innocent (well, around 1984 anyway), a young, brave, macho crusader left his humble dwelling on his way to purchase the king of all machines. The most majestic of computers, the one and only (drum roll please) rubber keyboard Speccy. Since that fateful day he has never looked back and has built up a superior armoury of tapes, peripherals and magazines. But alas, the happiness in the kingdom did not last, for that fiendish knight, Sir Clive, overode this young, brave (you get the idea) crusader's power by producing a larger, more awesome machine. The biggest beast in the kingdom - the Sinclair 128K. Despair, gloom and despondency shrouded the land. Until one day the young, brave... (Get on with it. T'zer) crusader built up the courage to go on a long and dangerous mission to Ye Olde WH Smith.
    After many days and nights he reached said place of terror and approached cautiously. He spotted the beast of the land (the 128) and decided then and there he must have it.
    Lights flashed, the earth moved and he was never the same again, in fact he then lived happily ever after...
Jory 'disappointed'
Wallace
Bramley, Kent

So you bought a 128. And?... And?... And?... T'zer

DRUNK AND DISORDERED
I hereby claim my trainspotter award for drunkeness, (I blame the Christmas booze-up in the Art Dept.) What am I going on about you may ask and indeed you may. I'm referring to the Carry On Screening feature in the Jan issue. First of all Aliens is certificate 18. Secondly, the film reviews for Top Gun and Short Circuit are the wrong way round. Since when has macho (he makes me sick) Tom Cruise been a robot called Number 5? Finally, and last, the certificate for Big Trouble In Little China is wrong. It's actually certificate PG. Apart from these minor quibbles, the magazine is brilliant - keep up the good work.
Mark Parker
Uxbridge, Middlesex

Shurely you don't mean ush? Hic! Ish definitely the Art Department's fault. You woushn't find me, hic, doing that short of thing. Sho, you don't get the trainshpotter award. T'zer

THAT IS THE ?
Being fairly new to Your Sinclair, there are a few things that I would like explained. The first thing concerns the question marks in Your Sinclair. Why do they look like a small 's' over a dot (?) [Except on this website, of course... - NickH]. Why aren't they proper question marks???? I would also like to know what a Hex Loader is and other such stuff. Why don't you have a beginners corner?
    I am also outraged at the person who wrote in saying that the price of YS should be rounded up to a pound. Doesn't he realise that for every 19 YS's he could use all the extra five p's to buy another one. I've taken advantage of the free game offer and taken out a subscription to the mag so it's even better value.
    To finish on a nice note (E sharp I think!) the mag is great, much better than your rivals.
RA Wilkins
Liongunnar, Dyfed

That wasn't an E sharp, I can tell an F flat when I hear one. What's wrong with my question marks???????????? I rather like them actually, at least they're better than the Ex Ed's brackets. (I resemble that remark. Ex Ed)))))))))))) It's pretty lucky you've taken out a subscription to Your Sinclair 'cos the price has had to go up to a pound due to the shortage of cornflakes. Which means you save even more money when you take out a subscription. We always think of you. T'zer

HACKED OFF
While hacking into an unknown computer system, look what I found. I must add that this discovery made me most depressed and unhappy.
    SUBJECT: Craeftig Galdor,
    REAL NAME: Wooliar Matthew
    NATURE OF FILE: Deletion order, code three
    BACKGROUND: Letter published in the November issue of Your Sinclair. Letter's meaning yet to be deciphered, but spoke of, and I quote "Ms Caroline Clayton...stunning photo...beautiful young lady... passion for Caroline." This letter is clearly sexist and immoral (which is why it was published).
    NATURE OF DELETION ORDER: Ms Clayton took letter and yelled at the top of her beautiful voice "HE AIN'T GOING TO GET NO BADGE!"
    FILE CODE GCCC454376,G18
    END OF FILE...PLEASE ENTER NEXT INSTRUCTION
    >END
    THIS IS THE YOUR SINCLAIR COMPUTER NETWORK SAYING ADIOS!!!!
    So why am I upset? I'll tell you why. I am that Galdor (or Matthew). Please, please forgive me my sins against your most esteemed organ, and Caroline, I promise I will fiddle the computer so that you become Art Editor. Can I have a badge now please. I did get a letter published. T'zer, I leave it in your lap.
Matthew Wooliar
Sawbridgeworth, Harts

SUBJECT: Craeftig Galdor
    DELETION ORDER: Deleted
    FILE CODE: YS 15 badge
    END OF FILE...
    END
    Your badge is in the post and Caroline is Art Ed. T'zer

WE'RE GETTING THERE...
I've been reading YS for ages now but there's one thing that bothers me and that is the trainspotter (It bothers me as well! T'zer). What is a trainspotter for goodness sake? Can't find it in the dictionary and my teacher doesn't know what it is either. And I'm too ashamed to ask my friends - they'd laugh their heads off! I think it might be someone who warns cars that there's a train coming, but in Finland the railway junctions are automated so who needs a trainspotter?
Timo Koponen
Pieksaimaiki, Finland

According to Chambers 20th Century Dictionary, New Edition, a trainspotter is one who collects locomotive numbers as a hobby. This definition does omit a rather important species of trainspotter - the YS one. He or she is someone who looks like Ian McCaskill, has all the style and panache of Les Patterson and spots really minuscule mistakes in high-brow, well-produced publications like Your Sinclair. Trainspotters of the highest order get the widely acclaimed trainspotter award and will now receive a beautifully hand-produced YS Trainspotter Certificate. BRilliant! T'zer

WHIRLY WHEELER
Sorry to disappoint you, Stuart Forbes (Letters Jan issue), but I completed Paperboy just one day before you - October 5th. I rang up Elite, who told me that I was the first to complete the game! Hee hee!
    Yours first completingly,
Steven "I can play The
Late, Late Breakfast
Show theme tune on my
cheek with a door
wedge" Woodward
Harpenden, Harts

Well, congratulations at being the first to complete Paperboy. Unless, of course, anyone else reckons they beat you to it... T'zer
    

SMALL PRINT I wish to complain! So please print something offensive. Bill Morrison, Cathcart, Glasgow Bog off, you loathsome little nerd! T'zer PPS I've put the PS in the wrong place.     PS See what I mean. Graham Murphy Carby, Northants PPPPPPS Stop taking my initials in vain. Phil (Sloth) PPPS It's obviously catching! T'zer PS I betcha you won't publish this letter. Simon Smyth Co. Antrim, N. Ireland Dead right we won't. It's disgusting! T'zer PS In every issue of YS I come across the word T'zer repeated umpteen times. What exactly is this T'zer. Is it a he? Is it a she? Or is it an it? Matthew George Bombay, India Dunno. T'zer PS Damn. I forgot what I was going to say. Ainsley Rowlay Stourbridge, West Midlands What a stupid thing to... um... er... T'zer How about giving T'zer (kiss, kiss) the Ed's job. David Williamson Kessock, Inverness Consider it done! Ex Ed What or who is 'YS'? H Fernandes Hayes, Middlesex Hawzabout You're Stupid, You Smell, Yarn Spinner, Yule Sinner, Youth Scene, Yoghurt Soup, or better still why ask? T'zer It's actually YTS having a T break. Ha ha! Phil

Doodlebugs

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