VORSPRUNG DURCH TECHNIK
Is Phil a complete prat? (No comment! Ed) In his review of Nightmare Rally in the November ish he came out with the biggest insult I have ever heard. I quote, "...looks like a Golf GTi but what do I know?" And the answer?
    Norralot! Any idiot with only a single brain cell could tell that such a fantastic, wonderful, graceful, perfected piece of machinery as the Volkswagen Golf GTi (like mine!) does not resemble a heap of dross like a Ford Escort XR3i which clearly appears in the game.
    Yours "German cars are best!"
Richard Shore
Burn, N Yorks
PS Hey Phil, how would you like to end up under a Golf GTi?

Now don't get your fluffy dice in a twist. I'm sure Phil didn't mean to imply that both XR3i'S and GTi's are driven by the same sort of aggressive apes who crunch the gears, screech the tyres so that everyone within two miles thinks they're right royal show-offs and drive with all the skill of an Andrew Ridgeley. Ed Oh yes I did! And by the way, is GTi by any chance an anagram for a word beginning with G and ending with T? I only ask! Phil

COLDIT'ZER
While reading the November issue, I noticed that two articles were mixed up. I suggest that whoever was responsible should be forced to spend a whole week with T'zer Maughan.
Robert Wilkins
Carmarthen, Dyfed

Now look what you've started. I know there are some mixed up people around but I've got five thousand YS readers knocking on the door and they're all claiming responsibility. But then they don't know what it's like to work with T'zer every day! Ed

SUMMAT TO YELL ABOUT
Recently while playing my copy of Jack The Nipper, I came across a bug and if you cut the chatter, I'll tell you how to get an easy 100 per cent.
    Get the horn and honk it at the cat then get out before you get spanked. Then re-enter and the cat is clinging to the roof.
    All quite normal so far. But if you go where the cat was, and start honking like mad, your naughtiness will go shooting up faster than Apollo III.
    Ever since I discovered this, all the adventure has gone out of the game, and so that I'm not the only sufferer, I'm going to ruin life for everyone else and get this published.
Peter Gear
Yell, Shetland

Ooooh, you're just so naughty, a proper little Sweeny Toddler. I'm so excited I think I'm going to wet my... whistle before having a go at it myself. Ed

WHAT AM I BID?
I, a not so humble YS reader, am protesting! About what you may ask. (Okay, about what? Ed).
    Well, it's about your Win Absolutely Everything In This Issue Compo. It said that T'zer and the Ed wouldn't get much on the open market!
    Well, yes, I know that's true for the Ed, but what about the luvverly T'zer (kiss, kiss)?
    I made a list of what I could give for her:
    A piece of frozen bubble gum
    A toilet roll
    1/2 a packet of crisps (Worcester Sauce flavour)
    19p and a ping pong ball. How about that then?
A T'zer admirer
Hatfield, Hefts

Very generous. Of course, it was the toilet roll that clinched the deal. How else am I going to get onto Blue Peter? T'zer And while you're there, I'd just like to say that a nice young lady from New Malden has phoned in a bid for me of a whole packed of Quavers and a Rolf Harris album. Not that I'm turning away any other offers! Ed

LORD DELIVER US
On Sunday the 12th of October at eight minutes past five in the afternoon I did it.
    That's to say, I completed Paperboy by Elite. I went through Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and then at the end of Sunday's obstacle course the message Hooray scrolled across the screen. 80,030 points were registered under my name in the hi-score table while I rested my tired wrist.
    Am I the first or did someone beat me to it?
Simon Mumford
Trematon, Cornwall

Er, how can I break this to you? Someone beat you...

I claim to be the first to complete Elite's brilliant game Paperboy. At 12.30pm on the 6th October I finished Sundays' round and Hooray appeared at the top of the screen.
Stuart Forbes
Newent, Glos

Which reminds me. Have you heard the one about the paper boy? He was 100 per cent recycled and when he moved his friends all called him Russell. Ed

A RIGHT JESSIE
I bet you never knew that the new version of Street Hawk is out. Well, nor did I until 5th October when it arrived on my doorstep. Rushing upstairs to play it, it was the only game I played from 4pm to 10pm. Then on the 11th October I completed it at 5.25pm. Am I the first or has someone out there beaten me?
James Costello
Ipswich, Suffolk

Judging by our review last month, I reckon you're the only one to have played it at all. But it just goes to show that you can't gauge everyone's enjoyment of a game even from the response of our normally infallible reviewers. Only my opinions are completely definitive! Ed

AT HIS BECKER CALL
If you turn to page 25 of the October issue of YS you will see that Mischa Welsh described Psion's great tennis simulation Match Day with these words: "All you need are strawberries and cream and faintly in the distance you hear, 'Net... Advantage Mr Becker.'"
    The strange thing is, that as far as I know strawberries and cream do not cause hallucinations. (Eaten in quantity, anything can happen! Ed) Hallucinations? In reality a ball temporarily impeded by the top of the net as it is put into play is called a let, from the old English word 'lettan', to hinder.
    So, therefore I, Tuomas Kilpi, sound in mind and body (maybe not, but it sounds good, doesn't it?), announce that I have rightfully earned a trainstop... a toinopper... a stoinepper... Well, whatever it is you give to us unhappy souls who lurk in the dark and cold shadows of northern Europe doing unmentionable things to each other and innocent reindeer...
Tuomas Kilpi
Helsinki, Finland

Which brings us neatly to a joke. What d'you call a blind reindeer? No idea. What d'you call a blind reindeer with no legs? Still no idea! Sicko. So, let's move swiftly on to your trainspotter claim. Having checked the major tennis reference book on the matter ie The Cliff Richard Guide to Becker and Barker, what do I find but the following facts: "it frequently happens that the ball hits the net while serving at tennis. In Olde Englande, it was polite to say to your opponent 'I won't lettan if you don't' but in time this was shortened simply to a let.' And when it comes to tennis, Cliffs got the edge! It's just a shame really that there are two errors of such enormous magnitude in your letter, like the name of the game (Match Day indeed) and the month of the issue Mischa and Stephen appeared in, that I would be embarrassed to allow you to enter the Order of the Trainspotter. And so ends another fight to the Finnish. Back to the shadows with you. Ed

ON YER BIKE
I hereby claim my trainspotter award. On page 61 of the November issue which reviews TT Racer, it states "the only bit of the dashboard that you won't find on a real bike is the bit that tells you which of the six gears you're in." Well, this isn't true.
    The Suzuki GS125 has a rear position indicator and in the October issue of Bike it features a Saunders Suzuki GSX1100 which also has one of these. Just ask Roger Willis who used to review games for you in Your Spectrum and is now the Editor of Bike magazine.
Ricky Robinson
Barnsbury, London

Well, I've had words with Willis about this - he was actually in the middle of watching the famous Marlon Brando biking film A Sidecar Named Desire at the time - and he's promised me that he'll never again print anything that contradicts information in YS. Even if it happens to be true. Ed

STAR LETTER SPIFFLICATED Dear Ed. Or should that be Dear Mischa Welsh and Stephen Hilly For they seem to be the only people on the YS team with any future. I mean I don't mind when they do a map a month for YS and I can put up with it when they draw two maps and make a Sweevo but when they draw seven maps, have their drawings published by Doodlebugs, organize a compo with that other plastic jobbie as a prize and construct a Bussran's meteoric spifflicator with left hand flange screws (sorry, getting a bit carried away!), it's a bit flippin' much.     The Ed and the slaves had better pull their tentacles/pseudolegs/fingers out or else the little panel of who's who at YS could look like this before long: Editor Stephen Hill; Art Ed Mischa Welsh; Deputy Ed Mischa Welsh; Production Ed Stephen Hill; etc etc... Teaboy Kevin Cox; Cleaning Lady Teresa Maughan etc etc... and that would be about as much fun as having Shepherd's pie in your sleeping bag! (Yum! Ed)     Alright, they've got talent but I'm getting a bit bored of that '%$*! goblin joke (?) Maark Thompson Caaversham, Reaading S'funny you should bring the matter up but I've been thinking about this recently. They do seem to be doing rather a lot on YS at the moment - four more centre pages this month and next month a Bussran's meteoric spifflicator, though theirs has right hand flange screws. And I... Teresa will you stop trying to clean my typewriter while I'm... what's that Mischa? ...you want a cup of tea. One lump or two? Teaboy. Have you heard the one about the goblin and the... Stephen

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD To the bloke on the throne With the crown on is 'ead, That must be one hell of a do they're having down there in the art departmentl Wow (or should I say Wahay!!)     I'm talking botch-ups. Okay, one picture, upside-down, say - forgivable. Two pics muddled - acceptable (maybe). But three blatant blunders - CRIMINAL!! Look:     1) Frontlines: Uridium looks interesting, doesn't it?     2) Software: well, a little extra fun for us: find the piccy to match the blurb!     3) Adventures: Return To Oz set in the Loire Region of France and Vera Cruz set down under!     Sorry to obliterate every ego in the art department at Castle Rathbone but admit it. I am the ULTIMATE trainspotter! Steven Kendrick Plymouth, Devon I admit it, I admit it. You are a trainspotter without peer; your couplings will never be mounted. Now can I get back to the bash in the art department, we've just got a few more pagesh to mesh about wiv. Ed Hic! Art Ed

TOP O' THE WORLD
I like your mag!
    (Well, everyone starts off with either that or, I love (kiss kiss) T'zer.)
    I used to buy another Speccy mag and thought it was good. That was until I went on holiday and they didn't have a copy of that magazine so I bought YS September issue. Brilliant! I even got some free stickers with it!
    Alas, I didn't know what a trainspotter was, or who Hex was or anything like that, but I soon found out. Even if my dad doesn't want me to subscribe I'll keep on battling to get my magazine and free game.
Edward Robinson
Liss, Hants

Perhaps you should take your dad to one side and explain to him the little things that only a regular YS reader can know. Like how many hints a Hex can handle. Like what makes a T'zer tick. Like the time of the last Pullman out of Manchester on a Monday night. Then tell him that by taking out a subscription with a free game worth up to £9.95, it means that each copy of YS can cost as little as 43p, or less than half the normal shop price with none of the hassle. And if that doesn't work, I should leave home and look for your real parents. Clearly someone as sensible as you can only be a foundling, deposited on the doorstep and taken in by kindly souls who have nevertheless failed to recognise your innate nobility. Arise Sir... (here insert your name if you too have been thwarted in taking out a YS sub by heartless parents?) Ed

COLUS BROWNED OFF
Do you really expect us to believe that you didn't create Mr John Thomas in the October Letters? (No, I created him in my workshop at the top of Castle Rathbone. Nya ha! Ed). What a berk. He didn't even know what T'zer or wahay meant. Then you have Barry Farrell on the same page who claims he can complete Ghostbusters. Who cares?
    Possibly You should rename the trainspotter award as the brainspotter award. It could be awarded to any writer who has spotted an iota of intelligence in one of your letters.
    I'm sure everyone will be glad to know how unquestionably authentic this letter is, however.
B Coilis
Bromley, Kent

A brilliant idea. And the first person to spot an iota of intelligence in this letter will be awarded a week's use of the YS brain. Ed

BOMBS AWAY
I'm writing about the Program Power Pull-Out game Time-Bomb by Robert Burgess in last month's YS. I already have this game. It's called Time For Action and it's on Magnum Computing's 60 Spectrum Games. This game is also credited to R Burgess.
    The point is, does a change of title justify calling it 100 per cent original? I was pretty annoyed at having spent some three hours typing this game in.
Christopher Spear
Hounslow, Middlesex

Not half as annoyed as I was when I read your letter and a similar one pointing out the duplication. No, a change of title doesn't justify calling a game 100 per cent original. It doesn't justify anything. In fact, I'd be pleased to hear if Mr Burgess can come up with any justification at all. Doesn't he realise that it doesn't matter where a game appeared before - from the Saratoga Speccy Users' Club to Magnum Computing's 60 Games (whatever that was!) - at least one of the thousands and thousands of YS readers will recognise it. My spies are everywhere! Ed

HAWKE WIND
T'zer, forget you? Never. You are the Jewel of the YS crown. Without you, YS ceases to exist. It is a case of "Caroline Clayton, who she?" (She Art Ed actually! Art Ed).
    Ladies and gentlemen, in the red corner, the undisputed champion of the Speccy magazine world - Ms Teresa Maughan.
    Sorry, got a bit carried away there. I hope you will be at the 20th Microfair so I can meet you in the flesh (that can't be right!). I am 18, use microdrives upside down and wear feathers in my hair.
Stringfellow Poole
Lowestoft, Suffolk
PS I can loop the loop in the AH-64 Apache. (Methinks paleface speak with forked tongue. Ed).
PPS Come fly with me!

Of course I'll be at the Microfair but by the time you read this it'll be over. Unfortunately though, I could never love a man who uses his microdrives upside down. Sounds a mite pervy to me. T'zer

RE-ANIMATOR
Now that I've used Softcat Micro's Animator 1 for several weeks, I thought I'd add my views to the controversy in the October issue.
    First off, I'd like to say that I don't think Mad Max gave it a bad review, rather he didn't give it the full praise it deserved. Max says in his review that "it's a bitch to learn and a devil to use" and that "no way will you master this in a morning." This is quite true except that (with familiarity) it is very, very easy to use. The fact that it's a bitch to learn is due entirely to the only let down in the whole package - the manual. If only the manual had been written as well and clearly as the program then the limited time available to a reviewer could have been spent enjoying to the full some of the very powerful features of a really superb utility. For example:
    Sprite Designer - the best available bar none.
    Screen Designer - apart from The Artist and Art Studio, nothing else comes even close.
    Print Mode - worth the money for this feature alone.
    Circle Mode - easiest and most accurate to use.
    Line Mode - the manual almost hid from me the fact that I could walk and stretch both ends of the line around the screen before deciding where to print it!
    Some of the uses for the program are not immediately obvious. For instance, has anyone tried to design and animate a sprite bigger than about 3x3 character squares with White Lightning or Laser Basic? A real pain! It's dead easy now and you can animate them and see the results instantly. I also load SCREEN$ created earlier with The Artist simply to use the superb Print Mode.
    I'd say to anyone wanting to design professional quality SCREEN$ or sprites, irrespective of any art packages owned, that Animator 1 is a must.
Ian Brownridge
York
PS Samantha Fox (Wahay. Ed). Just thought I'd mention her for no other reason than everyone else seems to!

It's an interesting fact but both Animator 1 and Samantha have four letters in common and do you know what they spell? A MAN. It restores your faith in anagrams, doesn't it? As for Animator 1, unless we can find someone who hates the program but loves the manual we'll call this one closed. Ed

A WAFA NOT LONG
Just a letter to praise the folk at Rotronics for the helpful and speedy service I received from them.
    I bought a Wafadrive in your last offer and after a few weeks it started to fail. I sent it to Rotronics who returned it, checked, within a week! They suggested that the Speccy was at fault and provided a short ROM test program together with a quote for repairs. They repaired my Speccy within two weeks and at a lower cost than I had been quoted anywhere else. Congratulations Rotronics, excellent service (and friendly too!)
    Does anyone know how to convert The Writer to wafa? I rang SofTechnics but there was no interest there in doing a conversion. A pity, as there must be a lot of Wafa users out there.
Chris Thompson
Thamesmead, London

Even more of a pity as The Writer's such a good product. Perhaps they'll read this and change their minds. And praise indeed for Rotronics, but no less than we've found in our dealings with the company. One of the reasons we wanted to do our special offer. Ed

ALL GREEK TO ME
I'm afraid I disagree with Max's views about hacking in the October Backlash. (Disagreeing with Max, you have reason to be afraid. Ed ). We hackers are not exhibitionists. We don't hack into games in order to show off eight digit scores and infinite lives. Much more false is the belief that we enjoy playing hacked games and that we're incapable of beating games in general.
    Hacking is a challenge too! But it's true that once you've started it becomes a habit. I think that the POKEs we kindly provide the world with should be accompanied by a health warning saying that POKEs can damage your game playing.
    It's only us that hacking can't screw up. We're immune.
Theo Develegas
Athens, Greece

Hmmm, now where have I heard that argument before? Even ZZKJ was moved to put aside his POKEs and pen the following...

I'll come straight to the point. Max Phillips is a prat! There, I've said what any half intelligent being would say after reading his Backlash in the October YS. In the entire page, he made only one sensible factual statement, and I quote, "But there's no known connection between piracy and hacking."
    The most obvious mistake is that the article should be in two halves; both absolutely nothing to do with each other except their names. The first half is about hacking, and the second half is about something totally different also called hacking. System hacking (the first half) is a menace, not only to the bank you're robbing (in this case) but also to industrial and national security (the two espionages). It can screw you up if you don't grow up and get out.
    The other thing called hacking is the practice of modifying programs so that they function in a different way. This is the kind of hacking Max is having a go at. He's obviously never thought about what hacking a game actually involves. You have on average about 40K of code (over 40,000 numbers) and no information about them at all, except what you see on screen. Armed with your trusty disassembler/monitor you now have to work out which numbers do what and where they are. Then you have to work out the modifications you want to make and where they go. Before that you will normally have had to work your way through its protection (which as its name implies is designed to be as hard as the programmer can make it). And to finish off, you have to write a program that'll load the game, put in the modifications and then run it. Now, if you consider that to be a doddle perhaps you should go for a job as an air traffic controller. And Max doesn't seem to realise that most of us hack primarily for the mental stimulation - a good hack is better than any crossword puzzle.
    Now although I'm not a games player, I find it very relaxing to play an obliterated Elite. And no matter how bad a mood I'm in, I'll always feel better afterwards because I'll have stresslessly channelled away all that pent-up frustration by destroying something that doesn't really exist.
    Max also seems to think that your friends will think ill of you for being a hacker. What Max has done is to confuse the words 'hacker' and 'cheat'. Just because you hack, it doesn't stop you from being a normal games player as well - as any half sentient slime pool can see. Most people (non-hackers included) regard hacking as a status rather than a stigma; the better you hack, the better you are.
    So, Max, next time you want to string things together, try beads; they're a lot easier than arguments.
ZZKJ
London

And this is one argument I'm definitely staying out of. I may even stay out of Castle Rathbone till it's all sorted out. Ed

YOUR MOVE
Try Psi Chess level C2 playing program (White moves) in 2D.
    WK on D2
    WP on E2
    BK on E4
    It's crashed on me 5/5 within 4 mins.
Geoffrey Phillips
Ambleside, Cumbria

Nope, I don't understand it either but just in case it's some sort of secret service code I thought I'd better print it. Okay, Mr Bond? Ed

NINJ, NINJ
Who wrote Kai Temple by Firebird? If you find out, vapourize him. Imagine you're about to deliver a devastating front kick, (Mae Geri - to karate experts) to a ninja's back. What's the worst thing that could possibly go wrong? Nope. Resetting itself would be about the best thing. The screen turns itself upside down and you end up KO'd on the floor. The inlay card says it's all down to the thin mountain air. You just can't take that kind of punishment - it's inhuman.
Peter Martin
Lowton, Cheshire

And how do you think all those Scots up in the Highlands feel? One moment you're jogging along with your sporran all shiny, the next you have a gulp of the thin mountain air and you're all out a'kilter with the whole world knowing what you keep up there. It's noo funny. What I want to know is, who is this Kai Temple anyway? Any relation to Shirley? And will the next game be set on the Good Ship Lollipop? Thought not. Ed

KEENAN MUSTARD
Firstly, as a more mature reader of YS (over 35), I would like to say how much I enjoy your light-hearted approach to the business of computing. Being the proud owner of a Speccy 128, I was disappointed to read in your September issue that the game Tomahawk wouldn't run on the 128 since I had just bought it only hours previously. Well, you were right. It didn't run.
    However, I sent the game back to Digital Integration and within two days (a record?) (No, a cassette. Ed) I received a replacement that worked. And as with my previous game from DI, Fighter Pilot, it was pretty impressive.
    To change the subject slightly, how about adding a mature reviewer to your staff? Not that there is anything wrong with your present reviewers but another addition might not be so bad. Anyway I would be happy to oblige should you wish.
Brian Keenan
Plymouth, Devon

Unfortunately, I'm up to my eyes in mature reviewers. You can't move in Castle Rathbone for the bathchairs and Grecian 2000. Do you know how old Troubleshootin' Pete is now? 20! No, what I'm looking for are reviewers who still go to see X films simply because it's illegal at their age. Reviewers who can't remember Michael Jackson before Thriller. Who've never even heard of David Cassidy and Donny Osmond, let alone the Beatles and Bob Dylan. Reviewers who went to school in the year below Jack The Nipper. And yet whose words tap dance from the typewriter like Fred Astaire. Can you make an old man very happy! Ed
    

SMALL PRINT What right have you cutting someone's letter up and only printing the first line? I'm talking about my letter which was two and a bit pages long but you just printed the first... C Gallimore Winstanly, Wigan The Editor reserves the right to chop, change, hack, mutilate, mess about and generally do a hatchet job on all letters sent to YS. But you do get a badgel Ed Why doesn't the Ed try giving up brackets and start using urderlining? Laurence Banyard Lothian Don't think I haven't tried but in the end I just keep punching up those brackets ((((((()))))) Ed Am I right in saying that YS's Phil South is the spitting image of Coronation Street's Terry Duckworth? Jason Scotcher Chingford, London Phil is Terry Duckworth. He's also Dirty Den from East Enders, Benny from Crossroads and June from Terry And June. Well, he had to do something while he wasn't playing Bobby from Dallas! Ed If I don't get a trainspotter's award this time I'll give up life as I know it and become a recluse (honest!). D Maycock Rlpley, Derbyshire Another one for the recluse bin. Hermit me to help you on your way. Ed All letters win a YS badge, eh? Okay:     ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ     26 badges please. Andrew 'Noddy" Carmichael Dollar, Clackmannanshire Laugh? I nearly started. But I am sending you two badges, Noddy. You can use them to pin back your big ears! Ed Why can't we have a decent piccy of T'zer? Andrew McVey Emmington, Oxon Well, it makes a change I s'pose, from all those requests for indecent pics. Ed Bad luck with your Shakespearean efforts printed in Frontlines. ("What a gay sight" - snigger, guffaw etc) Douglas Williamson Greenock, Scotland Huh, I suppose you're some sort of Shakespearean expert are you, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat's tongue, you bull's pizzle, you stockfish! (Henry IV Part 1). Even Bill the Quill had to start Somewhere! Ed At least he didn't finish up on YS! T'zer

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