Ha! The Ed thinks there are no letters this month. Little does he know that I've decided it's about time I took over this section and stopped all his nit-picking, parentheses (brackets to the rest of us) and flippant comments. After all, I do the rest of the mag! So enough of all you moaning minnies - in the words of A Lang (address witheld 'cos he didn't send it) here's your Thought For The Day: If people moan so much about your mag then why the **&%!$** buy it! So from now on all the letters will only be about nice things and what better place to start than here ....

T'ZER FAN CLUB
PS I think T'zer is terrific and could you give away a life size poster free!
Paul Curnow
Sheffield, S. Yorks

...T'zer, you're the best thing in the magazine .... Pleeeeeease, pleeeeeeease, pleeeeeeease could I have a picky of T'zer for my personal keeping.
Craig Hoggart
Kendal, Cumbria

PPS My brother is in love with T'zer, so can you send a signed photo please.
Phillip Saddington
Hull, Humberside

PPPS T'zer is fab and tell the Ed that if she can't be on Page 3, how about the classified ads?
Mark Hanrahan
Waterford, Ireland

Unfortunately, there just isn't enough room to print all your letters! But don't let that put you off sending them. T'zer.

STAR LETTER SOFT TOUCH I'm a 13 year-old computer maniac and I recently wrote letters to various software publishers. But why? (Why indeed. T'zer) Simply to find out how good the companies really are. I wrote to ten companies asking for general information on their products and here are the results:     Ocean Reply after 8 days     Mirrorsoft Reply after 16 days     New Generation Zilch     Mastertronic Reply after 6 days     US Gold Zilch     Beyond Zilch     Elite Zilch     Melbourne House Reply after 42 days     Domark Zilch     Firebird Zilch     Mirrorsoft even sent catalogues and posters and will be sending me regular updates on its products. Robert McSherry Kilburn, Derbyshire It's good to see software companies providing a good customer service. Obviously they get a vast amount of enquiries and it sometimes takes time to sort through them all and send out the relevant information. But it's always better to wait for an answer than not to get one at all. Hats off to Mirrorsoft for its speedy and friendly service. T'zer

CAT-A-TONIC
I have totally forgotten what I was going to say in this letter. But I hope it lays to rest the myth that most arcade shoot 'em up players are stupid.
Lee Ayers
Crewe, Cheshire
PS Did you know that cats can actually smell colours? Pity there's no way of proving this!

Did you know that the Ed is an extremely good writer? Pity there's no way of proving this! T'zer

T'ZER PLEADER
Dear Ed aka The Great One,
    Please, please, please print another (colour) pic of T'zer (pant! pant!) in your oh-so-wonderful mag as I missed the August issue. I'm sure lots of fellas would love to see her once more.
Adrian Matthews
Lurgan, Northern Ireland
PS Sorry about the toilet paper but it was the only thing available.

I'm sorry but only the select few get to see my 'once more' and we're certainly not going to print any full colour pictures. What d'you think this is, Points Of View? T'zer.

BOTTOMS UP TO WILLY'S
I thought you might like to see this advert from the local 'news' paper, The Wells Journal. Does Miner Willy know about this I wonder?
    

    Yours in awe of the excellence of Your Sinclair (compared with Sugar User, Crush and Computer and Vegetable Games).
Paul King
Wells, Somerset

Does this mean the house beer is called Willy Warmer? T'zer

CHECKMATE
I can't tell you how pleased was to see that both Colossus 4 and Psi Chess were reviewed in the October ish. But I was rather disappointed to find that the reviews were made by Gwyn who was honest enough to admit she was no chess player.
    Do you think it would be possible to get your reviews done by people who at least have a reasonable knowledge of what they're reviewing. I'm quite sure you could have found some very willing chess reviewers from your local chess club.
Simon Strange
Hassocks, West Sussex

Rachael would be very surprised to find that Gwyn is in fact a girl! It would be nigh on impossible to get reviewers who're experts on every game's content. How many Spectrum users are qualified pilots, gold medalists, Ninja warriors, Mermaids, members of the SAS? And if you can find the right person to review Scoaby Doo then you're a better man than I, well woman actually. On second thoughts don't answer that. T'zer

CHOPSTUCKS
I recently purchased a copy of US Gold's Kung Fu Master and to be quite frank my first impression of it was unprintable. After a few thousand games I got quite fond of it - until I carne face to face with the Guardian on the 4th floor. I had no option but to swing my leg landing a well-placed kick in the mid-region of the body - but to my complete horror his energy didn't deplete at all. Even worse another Guardian appeared at the rear, and no amount of punching and kicking would shift them.
Stephen Martin
Glasgow, Scotland

Perhaps you should try a less violent approach. Talk to them. Try to understand their problems... help them come to terms with... (snip) T'zer Put the boot in, that's what I say. Troubleshootin' Pete

BEARING UP?
This is a complaint!!!! You lot can breathe easy 'cos the mag is great. I'm writing to complain about the game Bobby Bearing as I am now suffering from severe finger fatigue as a result of the game being naffed up.
    It all started in the shop. First, I was given a game with a broken case - fair enough, they simply swapped it. I was just leaving the shop and shock, horror I realised I had no instructions so I had to go back and get them. I rushed back home, plugged it all in and selected the Kempston joystick option - imagine my surprise when everything stopped. I spent all afternoon trying to load it which it eventually did only after I'd removed the Turbo interface.
    Two weeks later I returned to the shop, or rather my mum did - we do live about 20 minutes away. I dug it out of the peas, bread and cheese and loaded it in. I chose the Kempston option again (sounds of nailbiting and hair tearing-out) and it died again. I finally looked at the instructions only to find there weren't any and that I'd cut my finger on the cracked cassette case. So for my £7.95 I bought a naffed game and a large doctor's bill!
    Apart from that the game is very good and enjoyable to play. You can wake up now I've finished.
    Yours frustratingly,
Philip Miller
Eaton Bray, Bedfordshire

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz... sorry did someone say something? T'zer

CHEAP'N'CHEERFUL
YS brings me new hope. Apart from being one of the cheapest mags it is by far the best. I admit to buying other magazines but YS really takes the cake (as long as it isn't one of my mums - yeuurch!). YS is very colourful as well - not exactly a sunglasses job but it does catch the eye. And I like the POKEs - I'm not saying I cheat or anything but I wouldn't have completed half the games without them. Keep it up - the good work I mean.
D J Morgan
Barnstable, Devon

You say the nicest things. T'zer

GETTING SOME STICK
At last you managed to get away from the 'comic look' - no more weighty wrestlers, batty Batmen or gruesome Goblins. The September issue actually looked quite adult-ish but then I saw them... Yes, you guessed it - the stickers! Were these seven lousy stickers supposed to increase sales?
    And if so, did they? I reckon they were more of a deterrent to older people - no one wants to buy a magazine that appears childish. I must admit I felt a bit of a wally (Which particular bit of a wally did you feel and did he mind? T'zer) buying your magazine so how would older people feel?
    If the stickers were not intended to boost sales and were simply a gift to the readers, I'm sure there's something more relevant to the world of computers you could give away.
    In short, nice mag, shame about the freebies.
Ernie Ackers
Amersham, Lancashire

You don't think you're being a teensy-weensy bit stuck-up about this? The stickers were just meant to be a bit of freebie fun - if everything about computing had to be "serious" there wouldn't be much room left for most computer games and no-one would buy YS. And anyway, they were extremely relevant to computers. The only things holding our Speccy together now are the stickers on it. And while we're on the subject, I reckon a YS sticker spot would be a good idea. What's the oddest place you've seen a YS sticker? Oh, and the Ed doesn't count, odd as he is! T'zer

DEER ED
My big uncal anthony sed i shud rite yoo an tell yoo ow nasstee an crool an uglee an reely nawty yoo arr. Yoo is wikked coz yoo arr hallways pikin on a teeza an she shud get yoar gob, sawwee i meen job. Yoo have allsow gott me verry verry angree bye polootin hexes gollum width nawty pichas of nawty gerlees.
    Sinned,
Wily Mayers (aged 6 1/2)
Wrecsam, Clwyd

I am nott afraed of the bigg bad Ed. But yoove got a poynt - i finki shud get his job coz i am a muc goader riter an i woodnt poot in pichas of nawty gerlees - i wud hav nawty bois insted. T'zer

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD Conversation between Phil South and Martin Dixon (Art Editor)     Phil: Hey Martin, sort out an old pic of Spellbound for me, I've just got the 128K version for review.     Martin: Okay, leave it to me Phil. Thinks: "Hmmm, he must mean the Beyond game as he did say an old pic."     Five hours later...     Martin: Here's the Spellbound pic you wanted, Phil.     Phil: Can't look now - too busy playing Star Firebirds. Stick it in an envelope and send it for print.     Martin: Okay mate.     Meanwhile in the Editor's office...     Ed: Hey hold the front page, boys, I've got another program printout megagame - never seen anything like it - you fly this plane from right to left across the screen, and drop bombs on some buildings. You only need to press one key - and it's all done in under 16K!     Rest Of The Gang: Oh no-OOOOOOOOOOOOO... Pete Lee Neots, Cambridgeshire.

SILENT NIGHT
I'd like to know whether there's any way of switching off the Speccy's sound synthesiser as my old man works shifts and some mornings has to catch up on his sleep. My mum says that if I wake him up by the sound coming from my lovable Speccy then he'll give me a foot up the whereabouts and a thick ear.
Ian Morrison
Fife, Scotland

The Speccy's sound keeps your dad awake? He's not the bionic man by any chance? It's probably just an excuse to give you a thick ear anyway. And a jolly good thing too! T'zer

SACK SLACK MAX
Sack Max Phillips now! He gave ACE a good review. War a pratt! That game doesn't deserve a mark of 1 let alone 8. It's full of bugs (well three), unrealistic, unresponsive and far too easy - I completed up to level 4 the day I got it.
    Taking off - easy you say. Easy if you don't try to turn, dive or pull up below take-off speed - which is very high! Climbing is like swimming in treacle. In-flight refuelling? The one time I had enough fuel to reach the aircraft I collided with it even though I was a thousand feet above it. Big plane that tanker! And to cap it all there's the dreaded Lenslok with absolutely no instructions. I eventually took the game back in disgust.
    Yours forever T'zer,
The Ace Himself
Portsmouth, Hants

You've put your finger on it without realising. Oooh, it's quite nice too! "Climbing is like swimming in treacle," you say. And what does Max do in his spare time? Need I say more? T'zer No! Max

DEMOLITION MAN
Where does ZZKJ get his name from? Read The Demolished Man, a sci-fi book by someone whose name I've forgotten (I lost the book) and you'll see that the baddie Ben Reich has a code. In the code the letters ZZKJ mean confidential.
John Lawless
Dublin, Ireland

ZZKJ a demolished man? Course you're right but he makes absolutely no secret about it. T'zer

NO BILL PRIZE
It is my considered opinion, (I'm 'Oirish so I should know) that the entire staff of YS have a combined IQ equal to that of an empty milk bottle without the milk.
    But for this unique attribute among magazine staff I reckon you wouldn't have the best compo mag around. Count yourself lucky!
    Yours in a nutshell,
Bill Campbell
Dun Laoghaire, Dublin

If it's all the same to you Bill I'd rather not have mine in a nutshell thankyou. What I want to know is exactly what the difference in IQ is between an empty milk bottle and an empty milk bottle without the milk. Where did you say you came from? T'zer

SIMON SAYS...
I've been reading your mag for some months now and enjoy it immensely. Nothing strange in that I hear you say (I'm using my imagination for this bit 'cos my hearing's not that good!), but I have never owned a Sinclair computer. I do have a Commodore but before you shoot me down in flames let me explain.
    I have a voracious appetite for computer mags and read a number of other mags on a variety of computers.
    Computers are not a fad - they are important. And don't listen to boring encyclopedia-wielding Anoraks. Playing games is fun and reason enough for owning a computer.
    Although gamesplaying isn't going to make you a highly paid business programmer it does at least make people feel comfortable in the vicinity of a computer and this 'some day computers will rule the world', 'the police have a computer that'll arrest a man and hang him in less than eight seconds' attitude will fade.
    That's it! Apart from, if you enjoy producing the mag half as much as I do reading it then it must be one hell of a place to work!
Simon Sleightholm
Northumberland

It's certainly hell alright! T'zer

GORDON BENNETT...
Well done, well done, well done, give away a bundle of T-shirts just as winter's coming up. Whoever thought it up should be given the 'Berk Of The Month' Award.
    Anyway I thought I'd try my hand - if I won I could aways wear the whole lot together. So, I cut out the coupon, stuck it to the back of a postcard and sent it off. Next morning I awoke to find... the postcard on my doormat. 'What is Castle Rathbone up to?' I thought. So I stuck on yet another stamp and posted it again. A few days later what do I find on my doormat, no not a bundle of T-shirts but the postcard!! Help! I can't get rid of it. What's up with the postman today? Why are they reading the back of postcards?
    Not to be outdone I put another stamp on the card and tried a different postbox. So far so good but I can tell you I really dread looking at the doormat just in case it returns...
E Bennett
London SW11

Your postcard is winging it's way back to you right now. T'zer

WE ARE NOT AMUSED
The 'Devlin' has just seen Craig Gallacher's pathetic letter and I'm not amused. How can you publish such guff? He states that I should be in a loony-bin when he, surprise, surprise, wears a Transformer watch and puke, puke, cords with, wait for it, flares! How mental can you get?
    Yours disgusted,
Mark Devlin
Ayrshire, Scotland

How can we publish such guff? Easy! We've just done it. Anyway, I rather like Transformer watches and the Ed always wears flared cords. He reckons they go with his anorak! T'zer

JUST WILLIAM
Having read T'zer's hilarious list of Willy games I've decided to send you a few more: One Man And His Willy, Neverending Willy, Journey To The Centre Of Eddie Smith's Wi... (Rip... Really! T'zer)
Mark Barnwell
Tarpoint, Cornwall

Very kind of you I'm sure Mark but I've got all the Willies I can handle at the moment. T'zer
    

SMALL PRINT PS Is this the star letter??? Ralf Kurbitz West Germany I think you can work that one out for yourself T'zer Could I purchase from you a drinking mug with Your Sinclair printed on it? Rayston Davidson Birmingham, West Midlands I think there are quite enough mugs in this office already. T'zer Would you be so kind as to publish this letter in a condensed form. Craig Shaw Universal ZX Club Barley, West Yorks Consider it done Craig. T'zer PS If this ain't printed could you please put a note in the magazine telling me so. Gareth Burge Glasgow, Scotland Just a little note to say your letter hasn't been printed this month. T'zer

Doodlebugs