HURDLE HURDLE WAHAY!
I have a problem. Why can't I buy Sam Fox Strip Poker. In Sweden I've been looking for it everywhere and I can't find it. It's probably the moralists up here in the north who've stopped it.
Maths Backman
Uppsala, Sweden

You do have a problem - wanting to buy Sam "Wahay" Fox Strip Poker. But a more likely explanation than the Swedish Mary Whitehouses is that a young lady wearing very little round the Uppsala region could find that she's soon had her asset frozen! Ed

GOSFORTH AND MULTIPLY
"That which has made them drunk hath made me bold" wrote William Shakespeare in a book of mis-spellings called Macbeth. The exams have passed, the results are near, I may have failed, that I fear, but I am back!
    Forget the intro, September YS was a mess. The letters page focused mainly around a young (?!) girl (?! Ed) named after a fizzy drink. (Um Bango? Ed). The reviews weren't bad, but Deathchase - 6!
    Now for my attempt at a Trainspotter Award: Program Power Pull-Out program Bubble Trouble had no Hex Loader, I bought eighteen copies of Sept YS but there was still no sign of one. Sort out your typesetters quickly because as good old William would say, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done quickly;"
John Pinkney
Gosforth, Newcastle-upon-Tyne

Is this a dagger I see before me? As Bill the Quill would say, "Bubble Trouble, toil and a flippin' pain in the Richard the Thirds. If you still can't get the game in any witch way, an sae secures a loader. Now out damned spot! Ed

TOMMY ROT
Correct me if I'm wrong (You're wrong! Ed) but my sources and powers of deduction tell me that Rachael "she who loveth Gwyn and writeth the pathetic small reviews" Smith is a fan of Tom Lehrer! See if you recognize these:
    "I ache for the touch of your lips, dear.
    But much more for the touch of your whips, dear." (The Masochism Tango)
    "We will all bake together when we bake
    ... nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak."
    (We will all go together when we go)
    "So though for breakfast she makes coffee that tastes like cham... poo!
    I come home to dinner and get peanut butter stew
    Or if I'm in luck, it's broiled hockey puck!"
    (She's my girl)
    At this juncture budding Sherlock Holmeses should turn to page 13 of the September ish. And one can obviously count on Gilbert and Sullivan for a really rousing finale - full of words and wit and music and signifying - nothing!
Sprog the insane, alias
Tom "smart-ass'
Salinsky
Wembley, Middlesex

You're a complete and utter nutter. They'll be poisoning more than pigeons down in Wembley Park when this gets out! Ed

MON GUS
Serious matters - what time does T'zer get off work and does she like haggis. (Haggis is the name of my pet snake - which T'zer can come and see anytime!)
Gus Thomson
Linwood, Paisley

I'd love to have haggis and a wee dram with you. But I'd have to bring Rocky with me - Rocky, my pet mongoose. Who, by the way, is more than a little miffed that his hero, Sylvester Stallone, has now brought out a film called Cobra. If you're reading this, Sylv... T'zer. Do be quiet before I bash both your neeps. Ed

CAROLINE'S STORY
(Written in the outdated English spoken at Castle Rathbone)
    

Peter "President of the
Make Eastleigh famous
(and did you know that
the first Spitfire took off
from Eastleigh Airport
Club' Squire (Who're you
calling squire, Squire? Ed)
Eastleigh, Hants

O kinde younge sire, thou art not thick
    But tell me, art thou completely dyslexic?
    Caroline

Forget Lesley Ash and Tracy- Louise Ward, forget Teresa Maughan and Anne Diamond and forget the Ed (well, maybe shouldn't go that far but forget those others), I give you Ms Caroline Clayton. Yes! Good ol' Ms CC herself, well what can I say after that stunning photo in the Sept ish?
    She has got to be the most beautiful young lady on the YS team (or is it a team? The end product is always so muddled). Anyhow back to reality (This is reality? Ed), please send me a full size cardboard cut-out of Ms C or failing that a bit of vintage TP belly fluff (pickled please!)
    Yours in a raging passion for Caroline,
Galdor Craeftig
Sawbridgeworth, Herts
PS I like your designer Miami Vice stubble, Ed! See page 4, Sept ish.

Don't talk to me about my stubble. After the harvest a couple of weeks back, I attempted to burn it off (as recommended in the last issue of Farmers Weekly) but the fire spread downwards and my Gary Glitter chest wig went up in flames. As to your last request, we were all at sea over Pete's navel fluff (sea, naval, forgeddit) so here's a life size do-it-yourself cardboard cut-out of the fair Caroline. Ed
    

JUMBLY'D UP
The only good parts of your magazine are Task Force and the letters about Jumbly, each of which should be given at least two pages per issue.
    Jumbly is years old but it's still great fun and the graphics are much better than most of the new games now. The titles I have are LETTERS, JUMBLY, NURSERY, FLIGHT, PLANS, WINDOW, VERSE, VERTIGO, TUNNEL, TRAINS and STAIRS in that order. STAIRS is the final picture and when you complete it you get a code based on your name.
Kevin Watts
Great Dunmow, Essex
PS If you can't manage two pages of Jumbly letters, just print mine (extra large) each issue.

Wow, that'd be mega. We could change the name to Your Jumbly and have quotations from that Edward Lear poem about the Jumblies but off hand we can only remember the one about the Owl and Pussycat who went to pee in a boat and one about the luminous dang, but as this is a special Shakespeare letters page here's a quote from King Lear, "Tis a naughty night to swim in." Oh, they don't write 'em like that any more. Ed

STAR LETTER WELSH RABBIT What on earth does Gwyn think he's playing at? Okay, I can understand the strained reviewer being driven to the odd spurt of perversity, discussing squashed babies and crazed grapplers, but the review of Tremor in the September ish surely warrants a call from the men in white.     I brought Tremor, the recent release from Americana, a couple of weeks ago having been impressed by a running demonstration of it. It must surely be one of the best budget games I have ever bought, and I would rate it much higher than other classics in my collection such as Spellbound and Knight Tyme.     Firstly, the little Welsh twit waffles on about the instructions of the game being unintelligible and a considerable contributor to the game's downfall. What a load of leek stew! The blurb, in my opinion, is quite amusing and a welcome change from the usual deadly serious stuff that packages most games nowadays.     Secondly, I found the 400 screen map which accompanies Tremor extremely useful, as it allowed me to get into the game much more easily. I've visited at least 200 of the rooms, and contrary to the opinion of Captain Daffodil, it is perfectly accurate!     And what's this about the speech? It seems to me that farmer's boy must have had an overdose of dung in his lugholes when he was treated to this, a masterpiece of Speccy oratory.     His major complaint, however, was that the aliens kept appearing too near him and splatting him before he could bottle. Well, if you stay in one place without firing, jumping, thrusting or smartbombing for too long, I dare say one of the angry extra-terrestrials will risk a kamikaze run but to me the sprites were a joy to watch.     Just sit in a secluded corner of the screen and watch them bounce around in a beautifully choreagraphed sequence! Marc Wilson Charlton, Middlesex PS If you don't print this letter, I'll come round with a pitchfork and give Mr Youknowwho's haystack a good turning over! Look you boyo, any more yacky da out of you and you'll end up as Eisteddfodder. The land of my fathers will rise again as in the days of the great Owen Glendower and smite the cursed English. This winter I shall see to it that you are well and truly Snowdon. And the men of Harlech will forego choir practice and... Why, oh why, must you start him off. He only comes from North London. Ed

NOT TO BE SNIFFED AT
I'm glad you've changed your smell. Your brilliant, excellent, fantastic, amusing, lovely mag YS doesn't smell like it used to.
    It could just be the shop I buy it from but l don't know. I smelled the September ish and the May ish (sorry I never bought the June, July or August 'cos I was on holiday and I couldn't find 'em) and they smelled different. Well, to be exact the September ish doesn't smell at all. Not that I didn't like the smell of May's but it's certainly improved.
    Well done you lovely people at YS. I'm going to buy lots of your mags.
Mark Bryan
Luton, Beds

Haven't we always said that YS is a mag that's not to be sniffed at? As you now nose, we've had the YS Olfactory on the scent of this for a few months and the first completely odourless issue hit the shops in September - that's right, it's the first mag with snout taken out! But what's this about the June, July and August issues - do you realise that you've denied your nasal orifice an exquisite odoriferous celebration. June was full of East 10 promise, perfumed with the musky incense of the orient - Leyton Orient. July tickled the nostrils with the salty smack of a gentle sea breeze - one to warm the cockles. And August was a pot-pourri of country fragrances in lavender and hollyhocks, sweet grasses and cow pat. Now you know why we've stripped the pooh bear! Ed

TAKE A BEATING
On Friday 18 July at 8 o'clock I completed Gremlin's Jack The Nipper. Did anyone beat me?
Jack The Entwistle
Birmingham 8

Pass that cane and I will! Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD To the bloke I'll get a trainspotter off...     In the September ish, the arcade feature by T'zer had two glaring errors and one that is debatable. Here they are:     1) You do not have to be over 16 to go to an amusement arcade: my parents have been managing one for 11 years and during that time the old Bill has been in and out on many occasions and not once did they stop anyone from 3 years to 333 years old (Very old Bill! Ed) gambling on the fruit machines.     2) Someone in your art department got drunk. (It'll make the news when they sober up! Ed) The photo for the arcade version of Commando was definitely on its side.     3) All the video games in our local arcade are only 10P per play and not 20p as T'zer stated.     So, I want three trainspotter awards or at least one anyway. Keep up the high standard of YS and how about more letters. Jok East Looe, Cornwall To the bloke who's not getting a trainspotter off me.     1) The force ain't with you! I checked with the local constabulary and was told that you do have to be over 16. And now you've blown the gaffe, you'd better hope that your old Bill doesn't get off his bike and nab you.     2) Hic! Art Ed. Okay, you win this one. You get the award. Ed     3) It's alright for you lot out in the sticks. Here in the smoke it's 20p a shot. I could do with a holiday - you couldn't put up an inpecunious editor by any chance? Ed

RHUBARB CRUMBLIES
I keep meaning to write but being a YTS peasant (As opposed to a YS peasant! Ed) I can't afford the stamps. Whilst flicking through the mag I saw the ad for the Opus which I then sent off for. Delivery time was okay. Two days. But when I connected it to my old faithful it wouldn't work. Disheartened, I rang Opus. "Oh, it's the Z80. We often have this problem." I thought this was a load of rubbish. So did my dad. So did everyone at my computer college including the teaching crumblies.
    My dad rustled up a few Z80 chips and, stand back in amazement, the drive worked and loaded the copying program. Everyone looked right wallies, especially the crumblies.
Christopher Ali
Chelmsford, Essex

Which just goes to show that when the chips are down, that's the way the crumblies cock it up. Ed

DIRTY MAC
Whilst I was searching for my favourite Spectrum magazine, YS I noticed another mag called MacUser. Being of a curious nature I delved into its pages and explored the world of the Macintosh, tosh.
    The first thing I noticed was that MacUser had the same address as YS. Can this be true? Is YS being run by a Macintosh? After I recovered from this shock, I put back the Mac mag and picked up YS.
    Whilst reading the ish (YS7) I saw the Hit List page and at the bottom of the page I saw some graphics depicting the fortunes of Gremlin Graphics. These graphics looked as though they weren't done on a Spectrum. Were they done on an Apple Macintosh perhaps?
    This discovery also applies to the titles of the reviewed games in that issue which also have the Mac look.
    So, are the YS team really Macs with old clothes on?
Philip Latham
Macclesfield, Cheshire

You have discovered our filthy secret. The YS team has joined the dirty Mac brigade. Ed

SUB STANDARD?
The other day I was at a friend's house and while he was on the Ioo, I looked under his bed (That Max Phillips has got a lot to answer for - see YS8) and found an inferior computer mag (which shall remain nameless.) I quickly flicked through it and saw an ad for subscriptions to their mag. When you subscribed to them you got a choice of a game, free.
    Why doesn't YS do this? Is this because you're skint? Or is the Ed too stingy? And I think it would be a good idea if you gave us a Teresa (kiss, kiss etc...) Maughan's Strip Poker as a Program Power pull-out. After all, if we can get to see Sam Fox's digitised doo-dahs, why shouldn't we look at Teresa (drool) Maughan's.
    Maybe she has no doo-dahs to be digitised! Has she?
Shane Reid
Belfast, N Ireland

Yes, I am skint. Yes, I am stingy. But in a moment of unheard of generosity I overcame my natural inclinations towards parsimoniousness (and writing long words) and I am now offering a free game worth £7.95 with every subscription to YS. But you can read all about that on the subs page - I'm not writing any more about it here. Paper costs money you know. Now as for T'zer's doo-dahs, don't let her hear you mention them. But just to prove she has got them, here's a pervy piccy.
    

NARKED OF YESOD
"Great, an infinite lives program for 128K Arc Of Yesod." Click-hum-rustle-rustle-tap-tap-tappity tap-tap-tap-click. "There, finished. Now to run it!" Click, click.
    Beeeeeee bop, beeeeeee diddly, diddly etc...
    Half an hour later...
    "Hooray, it's loaded!" Three channel music pours forth.
    "Right, Kempston joystick-away we go!" More music plus various explosions and pops etc.
    "Blast I died!... and again... still, not to worry, I've got infinite lives!... Damn!" ... 3 channel death march..." Hey, what's going on?"
    Great, an infinite lives program for 128K Arc Of Yesod... now, how's about printing one that works!
T Hearne
Newport, Isle of Wight

I dunno, some people are just never satisfied. The program gave you all the pleasure of anticipation and you still want more! Oh, I'll have a word with Chris Wood I s'pose. Chriiiiis. I want a word with you. Batty! Ed
    

SMALL PRINT Hello! I just want to say this. Thank you for a lovely Maughanzine! Fredrik Bjarfors Taby, Sweden Well, everyone knows that YS starts its life as T'reze! T'zer I think this is the first letter that'll disgrace this mag. C Gallimore Winstanly, Wigan Obviously a new reader. You can catch up on all the other disgraceful letters we've printed by checking out the back issues. Ed Pathetic! Can't your YS team add up properly or were they born totally thick? Adrian Middleton Cunningsburgh, Shetland No, they had thickness thrust upon them! Ed You couldn't by any chance send me a copy of the print-out of Samantha Fox that appeared in your September issue? Stephen Martin Drumoyne, Glasgow Don't tell me. It's for this 'O' level project you're doing. Ed

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