CUR-TAINS
Dear Ed or should I say Cur,
    Sorry I don't like calling people Sir unless they are genuinely entitled to it so I misspelt it. I am a 50 year old idiot who has never played with a computer at all until 12 days ago when I suddenly found myself with a Sinclair QL and a ZX Spectrum (48K) to play with.
    So, I went out to buy a mag and bought a copy of August YS and it almost reduced me to tears. (Only almost. We must be doing something wrong. Ed) First off your biggest compo ever is the biggest load of drivel I have read in all my 50 years - a child of 2 could answer the questions and I would not lower myself to send in an entry. (After all, it might be fun and that would never do! Ed)
    Next, I tried to load The Trainspotter Game into my QL and loaded the short Data Program okay. But when I came to load the main prog I had trouble. I got to line 50 and my QL would not accept it. It threw it out as Bad Line. I tried a dozen times. No go. Can you help?
    Also, can you explain some of the language used in these mags as there are probably many idiots like myself who know sod all and they probably would throw your mag on the tip and not bother to buy another (like me perhaps). Could you explain terms like Basic Loader, Hex Loader and so on.
    Being new to computing I could carry on for dozens of pages asking damn silly questions but I won't.
John M Thomas
Warley, W Midlands

Okay, let's have a look at your damn silly questions. I'm afraid the silliest is the one about The Trainspotter Game. Er, I don't know how to break this to you but it'll take you a very long time to get it up and running on the QL, like forever - it's a Spectrum game and the two machines are totally incompatible. (Pause for a quick cry.) Now for the language in the mag. To help you out, I've drawn up a small dictionary for you to refer to whenever you come across a word or term you don't understand:
    Basic Loader -- a loader in Basic.
    Hex Loader -- a computer generated egomaniac.
    Hex -- a word that rhymes with sex.
    Mega -- v. Big, I mean v. V. big, so big in fact that it's absolutely mega.
    T'zer -- wahay
    Sam Fox -- wahay
    Wahay -- T'zer, Sam Fox etc
    Compo -- a bit of fun with big prizes
    Sam Fox -- a bit of fun with big...
    Bumpry -- see YS7
    Trainspotter -- see Trainspotter award
    Trainspotter Award -- award for Trainspotters
    Easy innit! Ed

ADRIAN DROLE
This has gone far enough! I claim a Trainspotter Award for spotting a muff! Listen to this from issue 8:
    The Flying Dutchman
Haunting story of Holland's ghastly ghost ship turned into an interminable opera by Richard Wagner ... eh? I read on... later to find fame and fortune with the telly programme, Hart To Hart! Ha... I laughed out loud. Richard Richard... What a load of barks you are at YS. His name is Robert Wagner.
    Oh by the way, I didn't mean that the Deputy Ed was a berk. In other words, T'zer (xxx) wahay!
Adrian Proctor
Glasgow, Scotland

Oh, so you laughed out loud did you. Couldn't be 'cos it was a joke, could it? No course not. Silly me. Course, you missed the really funny bit of the story - there still aren't any confirmed sightings of Street Hawk and Knight Rider. So much for Jacques Cousteau's reports from the Ocean. Ed

WEEK AT THE KNEES
I love it, I love it, I love it. It's weird, it's wonderful, yes it's Wally Wally Wombat in his new comic strip with all his relatives, Tom the punk, Dick the out of work layabout, Harry the hippy, Herbert the baby, Wilma and the cat... or is it a dog?
    A right good tale! (The cat's or the dog's? Ed)
Barry "I can complete
Ghostbusters" Farrell
Bolton, Lancs.

A right good letter. I love it, I love it, I love it. Ed

SOFTCAT'S WHISKERS
Just thought I'd drop you a line regarding your recent review of Animator 1 in Your Sinclair. Although the reviewer made some valid points and some praise - in general he gave the impression that it was an awkward, fuddy duddy programmer's utility which would remain awkward even after using it for a while. That was a wrong impression to give. Animator 1 users would disagree and our mail shows that users really start to enjoy using it once they get into it - about a week!
    Worse still is the complete contradiction it makes of our forthcoming marketing campaign. Animator 1 is soon to be launched on probably the most commercially orchestrated campaign for a utility, with a new packaging idea, an ad spend to rival games and a general approach to the "fun" aspect of graphic creation - I know there were some nice comments in the review but in general you've just given us a harder job. In short, we disagree that Animator 1 is "a devil to use" - and so do our customers!
Softcat Micros
Macclesfield, Cheshire

I'm sorry you felt that Max's review was unfair but Animator 1 hardly took a pasting. All reviews have to look at a product's limitations as well as its positive aspects. After all, we are judging a product on its merits not its marketing campaign. But Max's is just one opinion - now let's hear from the true judges of any piece of software, the YS readers who've put a product through its paces. How do you rate Animator 1? Ed

VIVA E SPANJE
Do you ever test the programs printed in the pull-out pages? None of the programs worked on my friend's IBM PC, my uncle's Commie 64, and my grandma's ZX81.
    Is that your fault or do I have to use another telly or cassette?
Martin van Spanje
Heemstede, Holland

Nope the blame is entirely your own - well, if you will have a friend with an IBM and a relative with one of those other things. And I thought Holland was a civilised country! Ed

A PUNCH UP THE BRACKETS
I (being myself) wish to (would like to) if it's not too much trouble (and I bet it is) complain (make a lot of you very, unhappy indeed) about the sudden (well not that sudden but it caught me where it hurts) demise in standards of your magazine (comic). We (us buyers) have been forced to read a large amount of adult literature. This pornographic (show us your grotties) material should be halted (stopped) at once as it is very offensive (gets on me ear lobe).
    Also there has been a large increase in pictures of a certain lady in absolutely repulsive positions (standing up was one of them). (I do hope you don't mean me! T'zer) This is enough to make my food go the wrong way up my alimentary canal. The use of words like pervy and spotty bottoms should be published in magazines that look after people who like looking at sheep's naughty bits. (Farming Today? Ed.) Your Sinclair (Playbeing) should halt this infringement of the English language at once as it could give my granny some funny ideas.
    Yours offended but who gives a monkeys,
David "not again I thought
you were dead" Wilson
Peterborough, Cambs
PS Only joking ps PPS How long is a Spectrum's gestation period?

An epistle like this (a scrappy bit of old scribble on blotting paper) is sufficient (s'nuff) to make an Editor (yours truly for one) relinquish (chuck up) his brackets ((((())))) and become an auto-didact of the English language (learn to talk proper). But not me! Ed

WREXHAM WRETCH
Dear Orc,
    I think you are being grossly uncouth towards the very lovely Teresa Maughan (kiss, kiss) in your grotty little "Bet that Foxed you" compo. She's much better than a page three girl and does not have to take all her clothes off (wheeee!) to be so!
Anthony Mayers
Wrexham, Clwyd

Dear Sir Kind Ed,
    I take back all those nasty facetious remarks I have ever made about you. I think you are the best thing that's ever happened to this mag. All those "others" are just hanging onto your pig-tails, I mean coat-tails, sponging off your many successes and generally holding you back from all the great things that you could achieve without them! If I were you, I'd show 'em who's boss around there, and give a couple of them the sack to liven the others up! There's been too much skiving and slacking from 'em lately!
Anthony Mayers
Wrexham, Clwyd

Dear Ed (or Dep Ed -- kiss)
    Due entirely to my extremely generous and highly forgiving nature please find enclosed my long withheld 'but I couldn't resist the urge' subs form and 15 quid (sob). My wallet may lever fully recover from the shock!
    Of course, you knew all along that I wouldn't be able to offer any resistance once I'd seen that "stunning" August "colour" pic of T'zer with her "come and get it*" big brown eyes (They're blue! T'zer), charismatic charm, efflorescent smile and an incandescent aura, didn't you?
Anthony Mayers (but T'zer
can call me Tony) (Hi Tony.
T'zer)
Wrexham, Clwyd
*I mean YS. What did you think I meant?

I wonder if by any chance this could be the same Anthony Mayers? Ed

THE EYES HAVE IT
I know that I'm just an "old" mum (being over 30 years) but I do enjoy the reviews and articles in YS. Could you do a favour for all us "nearly OAPs"? Please don't print over grotty, garish pictures! In the August '86 issue both the previews were ruined for me by eyestrain. I just about struggled through page 20 but then came the horrors of pages 76 and 77 - very sorry but l just gave up (with spots before my eyes!)
    Please remember us oldies and keep the print simple!
Stephanic Carr
Blandford Forum, Dorset

As you point out, there was a minor "mistake" on the Price Of Magik review. But the problem wasn't the pic or the printing as most people thought. No, it's just that we forgot to include a free Lenslok with every issue so you could unscramble the letters. Well, we have to be careful - you can never tell what goes on in the piracy of people's homes! Ed

GIMME GIMME
Dear the small print section of that super fabaroonee mega humungus hipsters mag Your Sinclair,
    Will you send me a copy of The Planets as I can't afford one?
Simon Minter (aged 12)
Wellington, Telford
PS Please?
PPS Please please?

No! Ed

I've tried nearly every possible way to find Mikie. I've sent away (no reply), I've looked in shops (sorry, sold out), I just can't find it. Please can you send me a copy?
Shaun Asner
Frettenham, Norfolk

Definitely no! Ed

OKAY I S'POSE!
T'riffic! Great! Fab! Wa-hay! Smart! Tidy! Excellent! Phantasmagoria! Whoop-e-doo! Absolutely Fantastic! Unheavy! Magic(k)! Zarjaz! Amazing! Unbelievable! Good! At last YS has published a decent program at a manageable length with no mistakes. I am, of course, referring to The Trainspotter Game in YS7. Well done! Keep it up!
Kenneth McCuday
Perth, Scotland

You can't please all of the people all of the time but when you make someone this happy, well it brings a tear to the throat and a knot to the... um... tie?... of even the most hardbitten editor - and I have the Hard Bitten Ed of the Year Award on my desk right now. Hang on though, what do'you mean by "At last YS has published..." At last?! You'll be sorry. Ed

TWIST 'N' SHOUT
This is my formula for getting a letter in your mag:
    I have written 23 times.. blah blah!
    Hi! Richard! I'm in YS!... blah blah!
    Adverts are rubbish!... blah blah!
    T'zer is brill!... blah blah! (Have you been snogging the blah-ney stone? Ed)
    Complain complain!
    So, taking those into consideration, here is my letter...
Jonathan Twist
Westhoughton, Bolton

Er no, here's your letter. Fold A over B and tuck, repeat with C and D. Open window, estimate wind speed and atmospheric conditions, judge angle of ascent and throw. Ner. Didn't even make a v. Good Concorde clone. Ed

HOLEY BATMAP!
At least three rooms are missing from your Batmap. On level 1 in the right corner, the room under part five is much bigger and there is another room up north which contains a double jump pill. And after you've nabbed the Batbelt turn right and you enter a sort of double room, then go down and you'll find yourself in a room with a Batsignal and a speed pill. Now rush straight ahead in a long blue room.
    And then on the map you should enter a three way room. Don't. Unless you have dynamite in your Batbag and blow a hole in the wall in the green room with a conveyor belt and elephant's feet and the like. The room only contains two doors and that's a fact. The next room you enter is the one on the map.
Anders Nilslund
Docksta, Sweden

Hang on, let me get this straight. Turn left, right, second left, past the blue room, right at the traffic lights, opposite the town hall, right... or was it left? Oh, blow it, you have a go. Ed

TRAINSPOTTER AWARD Are you all complete and utter duggies I asked myself when I read the Rock 'n' Wrestle review. All them big numbers! Derr! That plus that = 36! No. Wrong! 34 actually. So come on YS - don't use Ed's brain again as a calculator. One Trainspotter Award please. M Jacobs Doncaster, S Yorks The trouble is, I'm solar-powered. And sun's the last thing that's likely to touch my pale and delicate skin stuck in the slime pools of Castle Rathbone. Now if you'd all like to club together to send me off to sunny Spain for a stint I'm sure I'd come back fully recharged. And then I'd like to see someone call me a complete and utter anything and get away with it. Ed

FIRST CLASS
We the undersigned from Mark Devlin's year at school hereby proclaim that Spectrum will rule over the Commies for the next 10,000 years. We are also unanimously agreed that Mark Devlin should be returned to the loony-bin he escaped from. (By the way, his favourite game is Thro' The Wall - a Speccy game, of course).
Craig Gallacher, Dianne
Gallacher, Andrew
Dolan, Mark Devlin (only
joking!) Craig Douglas,
Steven Halliday, John
Stuart, David McKay,
Neil Forsythe, R Murchie,
David Bradlie, Kenneth
McAIpine, Calum Donald,
Eric Andrew, Stuart
Brown, David Toner,
Colin Cotter, Paul
Shodgrass and 14
others.
Troon, Scotland.
PS I only forged one signature!
PPS I managed to persuade two C*m*i* owners to sign this but I can't reveal their names.

And so the curse of YS strikes again. No Commie owner is safe. Now even his friends at school have turned against him. All he can really hope is that one day people will forget. Forgive never, but maybe forget. Even if that means moving to another part of the country, adopting a new name and false identity, living on nettle soup and dandelion leaves, only going out when it's dark, wearing a false nose and beard and having your mum embarrass you by telling all your friends about your "problem". Let it be a warning to anyone else who wants to take on the might of YS. You too will be Marked with the sign of the Devlin! Ed

AN IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT
For two years I have, without fail, purchased three computer magazines, Your Sinclair, Cr*%$, S*S$&!r U!&r. I have now reached the point where I would like to make an important statement. Your magazine is by far the best design, compelling reading and features the most accurate news and reviews than either of your counterparts.
    But as I am not one to talk behind other people's backs, I have also sent an exact copy of this letter to the other two magazines.
Howard Carlisle
Horsforth, Leeds

Bet they don't print it though! Ed Oh, I bet they do! Try reading it again. T'zer

CONCED OUT
I hereby demand that you strip John D Taylor of his trainspotter award (YS7) - what a lot of twaddle! - why don't you ask a Concorde pilot... Brian Calvert for instance - see his book Flying Concorde. He will tell you that Concorde passes Mach 1 in the climb at 29000 feet, at which time the speed will be 675 mile/hr or 301.76 metre/sec and in the descent at 37000 feet at which time the speed will be 665 mile/hr or 297.28 metre/sec - see for yourself.
    So neither of you got it right!
Les Lee
Whitton, Middlesex

So, it could be said that we both made a right Mach up of it. Ed. It could but it wouldn't be funny. T'zer

DEJA VU
I was flicking through a copy of an old computer magazine that I only ever bought twice. It was ZX Computing from way back in April/May 1984. Suddenly I saw that one of the writers was called Peter Shaw.
    Please please tell me, is it Troubleshootin' Pete?
Justin Taylor
Newton Abbot, S Devon

Yes. But he's since learned to live with the shame! Ed I'm just hoping that in a couple of years time no-one remembers that I worked for YS! T.P.

CUT GLASSES
I have a complaint. In Frontlines of the August '86 issue there was a pair of 3D glasses for the readers to colour in and cut out. I followed the instructions and when I tried them out I couldn't see a thing.
    I have enclosed the glasses for you to try out and if you can make them work I shall promise to buy every copy of YS and become a regular reader of your mag.
Scott McKellar
Part Glasgow,
Renfrewshire

Okay, let's have a go. Red on the right, green on the left. Crikey, it's all gone dark. Looks like you've got a duff one. I'm rushing a replacement pair to you right now. Only then will you be able to appreciate the full curvaceous glory of YS. (Especially the Ed's stomach! T'zer) Till then you'll just have to hang around (or rather aflat). Ed

STUCK ON T'ZER
Dunno why you gave us free stickers 'cos I can't really award myself a Number 1 Hacker one, nor a trainspotter and as for Hex's Heroes, I couldn't score a single point on Space Invaders! But one sticker that really fits me is... I LOVE YS.
    I wouldn't mind one that said I LOVE T'ZER either, but you can't have everything.
Wayne Lyster
Gaspart, Hants
PS Give my love to T'zer, pleeeease!

Aaah, ain't he cute. I just lurve the lyrical way you wax, Wayne. T'zer. Pass the sick bag, Alice! Ed

STAR LETTER OH, BOGNOR I hope that T'zer enjoyed herself at Stalag 14, er I mean Butlins and I hope she comes back to Bognor next year. The real reason I'm writing is to plead with you never ever to stop printing machine code listings for the sake of us unemployed Speccy owners. (Note to the readers - an unemployed Speccy user is the one you push past on the budget section of Boots whilst on your way to buy the latest Elite, Ocean or Ultimate game. He or she is usually involved in a complicated form of maths called "Will my Giro stretch to one Mastertronic title or not?") Seriously though, YS has saved me pounds with the brilliant listings you print. After all, who needs Spindizzy or Rockford's Riot when they can play Bubble Trouble or Rock 'n' Roll. (Not so loud. The advertisers might hear! Ed).     So, in reply to Dave Shortman, yes people do type in the listings and many (myself included) learned programming by typing them in. Okay, it's a slow process but it's worth it. It took me five and a half hours to type in the code for Bubble Trouble but what a game. Incidentally, I used the hex loader (Er yes, sorry 'bout that - we forgot to print one yet again. Ed) from Supercharge Your Spectrum as it allows me to enter 400 bytes at once instead of eight bytes as your ones do - when you print them! Jon Rose Bognor Regis, West Sussex Hmmm, bit unfortunate really, receiving your letter in an issue where Program Power has had to give way to our Hacking Away special on Elite. But back next month though with a real cracker. Ed

    

SMALL PRINT Where has Troubleshootin' Pete gone to? If he comes back sack him! Stephen Todd Bangor, Co. Down Poor old Pete. There he is fired with enthusiasm and now you just want me to fire him! Ed Are you any relation to Sweeney by any chance? T.P. Although I am a more matured reader of Your Sinclair I would like to claim the Trainspotter Award... P D Wolfe Haywards Heath, Sussex Matured eh? That's what comes of lying on your side in a dark cellar. Ed When is T'zer free? Conor Shields Dublin 6 I'm never free - and you couldn't afford me! T'zer

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