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| The Grand Chaos Play-Off | ||
Rich Pelley, flown in at vast expense from his luxurious summer hideaway, constantly pointing his best side at Andy O's camera, even though the lens cap was still on. Steve Anderson, from whom no Chaos cheat or advantageous bug was safe. Craig Broadbent, who had that very month supplied a comprehensive list of helpful notes to Tipshop, but who hinted that not all had been revealed. Chris Buxton, who had picketted the Shed immediately upon hearing about the competition, chanting loud slogans and revealing trivia about the Ultimate programmers in an attempt to prove his Speccy-owning credentials. The Ed, who had rashly announced himself to be 'officially the world's best Chaos player' and had now to earn that title in mortal combat. Jonathan Davies, who dimly remembered playing Chaos once in 1987 but who was confident of foxing the others by not quite knowing what he was doing. Jeff Braine, +3 Musketeer and 'a bit of a wiz' as he comically described himself. (How we laughed.) And last, but by no means least, Britain's Number One Gameplayer Stuart Campbell, who had completely forgotten about the competition and had gone home to wash his hair. So we had to use Stephanie, the YS rubber shark, instead. The rules Chaos in a nutshell
Due to the numerous cheats available to the experienced Chaos player, a complete ban on cheating was instituted. No 'moving away from an attacking monster by attacking an empty adjacent square'. No 'gooey blobbing an illusionary creature then killing the blob to make the creature spookily real'. No 'undead wizards on horseback'. (And so on.) The preparation After ringing Stuart and mocking both him and his wet hair down the phone lines, the contestants drew lots to decide the order of play. And lo, it was as follows: Craig (top left), Jonathan (top middle), Chris (top right), Rich (middle left), the Ed (middle right), Steph the shark (bottom left; a Speccy-controlled player), Steve (bottom middle) and Jeff (bottom right). Craig was delighted with his position, for he could move his creatures before everyone else's. The game begins The first couple of turns were uneventful, with each player taking care to build up their forces, except for Craig who, before he could exploit his superior mobility, was instantly killed by Rich's newly-created wraith. (Oh dear.) Jonathan failed to cast a creature at all, and was reduced to standing quietly at the top of the screen, hoping no one would notice him. Chris slunk into a magic castle, the Ed conjured a pair of wraiths and Steve awarded himself a magic shield. Jeff, feigning distress at his poor selection of spells, successfully cast a giant and began chasing Steve into the corner of the arena. Steve was saved by Jonathan, who more or less accidentally subverted Jeff's giant to his control and tried bringing it back to act as a bodyguard. The Ed decided to hang about by Chris's castle on the quiet side of the screen, conjuring a centaur in order to make a quick getaway if something went wrong. Observers noted that things were about to start 'happening' in the centre of the arena, where everyone's creatures would have to pass in order to get to each other. Plot and counterplot. And some violence Jonathan finally succeeded in creating something - a gooey blob. Chris, confident of having seen through the Ed's clumsy trick, disbelieved his centaur, but it turned out unfairly to be real. The universe was now noticeably Chaotic, and everyone looked knowingly at Jeff when he cast a (lawful) lion. Chris stayed put in his castle and Rich sent his forces after Jonathan's giant, as did Steph. Jonathan showed a dispiriting lack of confidence in his hijacked minion and began edging away from the conflict. Steve cast a king cobra and sent it towards the battle in the centre of the arena, shouting things like 'Prepare to taste the fangs of justice!' Nobody had the heart to tell him the cobra was an utterly crap monster. Meanwhile, Jeff's suspicious lion was charging after the Ed. But! Just as it reached him, Chris disbelieved it. Did this mean he'd run out of spells already? The Ed started puzzling out a complicated series of logical deductions as the others created a few more monsters and started hitting each other with them. Suddenly, Chris's castle disappeared, leaving him faced with the Ed's bow-wielding centaur, just as the Ed deduced he was defenceless. Tragically mistaken, he attacked, only to be repelled with a debilitating lightning bolt. Chris sauntered into the corner and said, 'Come on if you think you're hard enough.' Meanwhile, Rich's wraiths made short work of Steph's spectre and started on JD's giant. Steph retaliated with her other undead minions, but failed to kill it. Steve's cobra finally made it to the battle and attacked the giant. Jeff hid in the corner. A few more creatures sprang into existence, and the Ed, keeping Chris pinned down with a hail of arrows, failed to notice Jeff casting a gooey blob at him. In seconds the blob had spread, devouring him! Craig applauded enthusiastically. JD's giant started laying about it with a vengeance, and Steve's cobra was trodden on. 'That snake was a bit crap,' he complained, but before he could get over his grief, his bear was attacked by Steph's legions of undead. (Well, pair of undead.) His ghost rushed to the defence. Jeff's blob started to grow. (Things were indeed 'happening'.) In the time before Monkey, chaos reigned, or something Steve and Jeff traded magic bolt blasts. Jonathan, making up for his early underachievement, cast another giant and foiled Chris's getaway plans by killing his unicorn with a rampaging ogre. Chris retreated once more into the corner, uttering oaths, but not too loudly in case Jonathan heard and attacked him. Rich was now attacking anything that moved, regardless of strategic importance, confident that his undead creatures could win the day. The universe went Chaotic big-time. Jeff's blob spread in a frightening fashion, and Steph conjured a hydra. Suddenly people were walking pointedly in the other direction. Everyone, that is, but Steve (who was in the corner anyway). 'Toast in the fiery flames of righteousness!' he cried, and cast the dreaded magic fire spell, which failed. 'That magic fire was a bit crap,' he complained. Rich's minions slugged it out with JD's giants, while Steph's hydra rotated like a blubbery radar dish before settling on Rich. The others cheered up a bit (except for Steve) (and Chris, who was now surrounded by Jeff's gooey blob). Throwing caution to the winds, Steve attacked Jeff, but failed to kill him. Jonathan created a zombie, Chris failed to subvert JD's ogre and Steph created a ghost. Every Law spell now had a casting probability of under 40%, and Steve was stuck with loads of Law spells. 'That Steve was a bit crap,' he complained in an hilariously confused fashion, before blasting Jeff off the board with a magic bolt, much to everyone's surprise (including his). Chris was suddenly reprieved as Jeff's gooey blob vanished along with him, but before he could wipe his brow in an exaggerated fashion, JD's subversion-proof ogre killed him. 'Poetic justice, or something,' consoled the Ed. Steph threw everything she had at Rich. The tension mounts A round of disbelieving proved everything left in the arena was real. Rich's wraiths killed both JD's cobra and zombie, but Rich himself was in trouble. Besieged by Steph's undead creations, he called his wraiths to him and battled for his life - but Steph used Justice on him in an entirely gratuitous manner and his bodyguards vanished. Craig and the Ed and Jeff applauded enthusiastically. Stirred into action, Rich killed Steph's cobra, moved out of the corner, turned in mid-flight and blasted a ghost. Steph's remaining minions battered away at him, but! he emerged alive! (Phew.) Meanwhile, Steve's forces tripped merrily towards the centre of the screen. 'He who controls the centre, controls the arena!' he argued unconvincingly. As Rich fought against overwhelming odds, Jonathan cast a magic wood and hid inside a tree. Steve's forces reached Jonathan's and a small fight broke out. Then, just as Rich seemed down for the count, he took a chance and cast magic wings. And - blimey! - it succeeded. With a leap and a bound, he was free. Undaunted, Steph's creatures plodded after him. The Ed helpfully advised Rich to give up now, because in about three turns' time he'd be trapped between the trees of JD's magic wood and Steph's relentless hydra. At that moment, Jonathan received a new spell, and his protective tree disappeared. He was defenceless. Steve's band of marauders trotted off in his direction. Jonathan, in a moment of panic, cast another magic wood, reaping an entire extra tree. The Ed helpfully advised him to give up now, as in about three turns' time he'd be caught by Steve's creatures. At that moment, Steve changed his mind and headed for Steph. Rich attacked the rubber shark with Vengeance (similar to Justice) and the quick-getaway centaur she was using vanished. Rich taunted, 'I'm a rider at the gates of dawn, and I take no prisoners!' Andy put down the camera and started swapping quips from The Young Ones with him. But - oh no! - Steve's attack on Steph's position had been a feint! He was really moving to outflank Rich! (The excitement was unbearable.) JD hid in his tree as Rich attacked it furiously. Steph's remaining creatures closed on Rich, with Steve's bods moving in from the other direction. A classic pincer movement, or something. Finale JD conjured a giant. 'Ha! Obviously an illusion!' bellowed Rich, disbelieving it. But, horrifically, it wasn't. As the giant beat up Rich, JD's tree disappeared, leaving him with a crap new spell and no defences. Rich seized his chance and attacked, but the wily Jonathan dodged and his giant mercilessly finished off the plucky heartthrob. Craig, the Ed and Jeff applauded enthusiastically. Meanwhile, elsewhere, Steph and Steve turned on each other. But it was obvious the game was over - Steve's gooey blob had halved the screen, and the others stuck to their corners to avoid it, hoping the time limit would run out before it swallowed them up untidily. After a bit of argy-bargy between Steph's and Steve's minions (for the sake of a good show), the final whistle blew. The contest was a three-way tie! Final result Craig - wraithed Ed - blobbed Chris - clubbed Jeff - zapped Rich - squashed Jonathan - ducked Steph - dodged Steve - robbed Stuart - washed Jonathan, Steve and Steph shared the prize (an impressive certificate in which Jonathan immediately found three spelling errors). Rich was voted Wiz Of The Match for his sterling performance under heavy fire, and Steph was praised for her fine use of tactical play. As the group decided to go to a pub and tell endless Chaos veteran anecdotes, the Ed suggested a rematch. The rematch Too late, they'd all gone to the pub.
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