John Minson

Yes, girls, most of them of the female gender, some possessing those wibbly bits which make strong men go weak at the nostrils as stiff upper lips transfer their starch to other, baser parts (and if anyone would like to come round and starch my baser parts they'd make a happy man feel very old).
    Yes, those terrible typing errors, girls, are to be found in almost every area of the computing industry. Take the software companies. Take Magnetic Scrolls. Take my wife - please (old music hall joke performed in old music halls - now you know why cabaret is dead). Take that company's head honcho, Anita Sinclair. Is she not fragrant? Is she not beautiful? Is she not (gasp) female!
    Let's trace the corruption further. Who publishes Mag Scro (as we hep-cats say - unluckily everyone else is def so doesn't hear us)? Rainbird. And who owns Rainbird? Telecomsoft. And who manages Telecomsoft? Ah-ha, another woman, Paula Byrne! YOU SEE!
    

It doesn't stop there. Computer Public Relations is almost totally run by girlies. Lesley Mansford at Electronic Arts, Nadia Singh at Headlines, Michael Baxter at... whoops, sorry about that Mike but you look so convincing in that skirt. Yes, all these slinky, sensuous love-bunnies buying drinks for us poor, innocent journalists. What is a mere male to do (answers on the back of a Donald McGill postcard to YS, Third Cubicle, Euston Gents)?
    There are even rumours that the editor of this very magazine is actually a chap-ess. Okay, you knew where you were with the last incumbent of the Regal Throne of Castle Rathbone (please flush on leaving). If the quivering moustache didn't give it away, the name should have. Kevin COX! But as for T'zer, well...
    At least there's one domain that the women don't seem to have penetrated yet and that's actually playing with computers. Yes, we're safe for the time being. Girlies don't play games. And I for one am...
    No, enough of this bull! Over 50 percent of the population is female (so why can I never get a date on a Friday night, you ask?) and yet the majority of them are not buying computers or software which is bad for hardware companies, bad for software houses and bad for you and me.
    Hang on - why should you care if a load of girls don't want to play Mega-Massacre On The Planet Zarquon? Well, unless we burn all the women as witches, most of us will spend the rest of our lives in close proximity to that other half of the population. And establishing a peaceful co-existence is going to be a lot easier if we understand each other and can share common interests.
    

So what is it about computer games that attracts men and not women? Could it be the subject matter? There's the big, butch Barbarian; there's killer Cobra; there's rampaging Rambo. What if Buggy Boy became Buggy Girl? How about Fergie Hardest? And shouldn't we replace Jet Set Willy with Jet Set... well, work that one out for yourself.
    The only game that I can think of featuring a woman in a prominent role is Sam Fox Strip Poker, and I think even the most entrenched male chauvinist pig would raise his snout (Oy! Phil) from the trough to agree that that is hardly a service to feminism.
    But the real question is whether feminisation (good word - The Guardian is welcome to borrow it?) of games would actually make any difference. Certainly it wouldn't change the game-play.
    After all Fergie Hardest would still be the same old sprite, with the addition of a couple of extra pixels. But software houses don't like to take the risk. Somewhere in the dim and distant recesses of the pulpy grey matter I laughingly call a brain, I remember a company tried to produce a line of titles aimed at girls. I suppose you should give it 10 out of 10 for trying but the first one was a gripping simulation of... show jumping. It fell at the first fence.
    

Could it be that the intended market - sweet micro-innocents that they were - still recognised a somewhat patronising pile of horse manure when they saw it?
    Women's software can work though. American adventure giant Infocom recently released its first title with a female character. Plundered Hearts is a swashbuckling romance set somewhere between Barbara Cartland and Captain Blood. The company held its breath. Would it sink with all hands? The answer was a resounding 'No'. It's become one of the most popular releases in '87 - and men are playing it too!
    The secret is that Plundered Hearts is well up to Infocom's usual high standard - as you may well find out now that the Spectrum has a disk drive. But even then it has to break a major barrier - techno-fear.
    

Yes, all us big boys are brought up to believe that we can mend cars, change plugs and play with computers. Girlies, on the other hand, are supposed to be gentle, soft and instinctive. We get guns, they get baby dolls. No wonder they don't automatically relate to the hi-tech mysteries of high scores, 'shoot the red one to get the orb that gives you bonus points on level 3' and POKEing for infinite lives.
    Not that they can't. You should see the aforementioned Ed on a Friday evening when the Nintendo is rolled out and she takes on all comers in the weekly Super Mario Brothers marathon. As for Rachael (Blood'n'Guts) Smith... how did that nice, quiet girl get turned into the raving psycho we all know and fear?
    Well, they both found out pretty quickly that there's really nothing difficult about typing Load "" and starting a tape recorder. In fact it's a lot easier than cooking the Sunday roast... and a lot more fun! Which is why I'm offering you this suggestion for Valentine's Day.
    Next time your sister, mum or the girl from next door asks you what you're doing, don't just sneer as if they could never understand it. Show them and who knows, maybe you'll actually make another convert to the Spectrum. But best of all, you'll communicate with one of those strange alien beings... and you may find that it's more fun than jiggling your joystick on your own!