It was New Year's Eve in Castle Rathbone. I've no idea what I was doing there... gee, that must have been some Christmas Party! Still, a time for remembering (like how I got here and what I'd done for the last week) and for looking forward.
What had T'zer said to me, just before she left? "You filthy pervert!" No - before that? I know. "Why not do your predictions for next year?" Well, sweetie, I ain't got no crystal ball, see. Still, I'm no Old Bore. Old Moore they call me. (Or in T'zer's case, "More, more!") So stand aside as 1988 gets almanackered!
January: At last, a chance to play all those Christmas computer games. No, not the ones that you got from Santa but the ones that arrived just too late for Christmas, owing to (quote) "programming problems". Imagine your disappointment when you discover that they were completed in a rush on Christmas Eve - "so as not to spoil the Festive Season" - and most of them crash five minutes after loading!
February: This year is a leap year. For that reason we shall skip February.
March: Following the million made by Not a Penny More, Not a Penny Less (Who Penny? J Archer), Demark announces another licensing coup. "It's the best seller to end them all: exclaims debonair Mark Strachan, his bow tie lighting up with excitement. "It's got everything. Sex, violence, family feuds, adventure." But plans to turn The Bible into an arcade adventure collapse when author Mike Singleton argues with God over which of them is more divine. God loses.
Blind Date The Dom-Doms do score a success with their TV Games label though - they've licensed Cilla Black's Blind Date. The winner gets to go out with the computer of their choice and Demark predicts big sales among trainspotters. Everyone else plucks their eyes out!
April:
'Spring is here, a young man's fancy; Turns to thoughts of naughty Nancy!' (Anon)
Receive a press release from CRL. 'After the success of Frankenstein, Dracula, Jack The Ripper, Kev The Kipper and Abbot And Costello Meet The Software Nasties, CRL has signed a major licensing deal for a controversial new Sport simulation.' Reading on I discover that the Sport in question is The Sunday Sport, the only rag to make YS look intellectual. I quiz the ever-boyish Clement Chambers about his new project. "It's a joystick jiggler,' he explains. So am I, at times, but I don't brag about it.
Bonking "We were going to call it Bonking, but we thought that was a bit crude, so instead we've chosen Knoc..." Unluckily, Clem is cut off because the British Board of Software Censors rules that you have to be a lot, lot older than I am to talk to him!
Spring also heralds the new cricket season and the office resounds with the crack of willow against leather - though quite why Dr Berkmann wears those buckskin underpants I've never fully understood! (I say, that's not cricket! Dr B)
May: Slowly the grass turns green again. Birds sing in the trees and clouds scud across the sky. Little lambs are bounding round my feet - which is strange because I'm in Castle Rathbone's local.
But this is also the season when we see the first fruits of computer companies, sprouting through the earth. Or rather we don't see them. Sir Clive Sinclair (TM Amstrad plc) announces that his new micro will be called the Z89, giving him 19 months before it's past its sell-by date.
The problem with the extremely powerful portable appears to be one of finding somebody who can peddle it. Eh? Further research reveals that it's an Amstrad PC stuck on the back of a surplus CS!
June: T'zer keeps rabbiting on about holidays and how she never gets any. (Or holidays! Ed) She says she'd love to do some topless sunbathing. A queue forms to decapitate her!
On a more romantic note, Rachael decides to tie the knot. Unluckily it's in Gwyn's neck!
Rumours July: More hardware news. Interesting rumours about a new Spectrum. Phone Alan Sugar on my Amstrad mobile phone (the one which you have to put 10p in the slot). "Do what, guv? New computer? Not on this barro'! But maybe you want a music centre? Don't like the CD? We can make the ordinary turntable sound worse then, so it don't seem so bad."
I take this denial as a confirmation, and sure enough another publication fills its cover with a hastily drawn doodle of the Plus Four, which includes a tape deck, disk drive, 20 meg Winchester, CD ROM and attribute clash, all for £149.95. This is promptly dropped to 25p immediately [after] you've bought one!
However, we both got it wrong. The Plus Four turns out to be a pair of golfing trousers which include a PC, designed for the businessman who likes to keep his 5.25" floppy to hand. The only thing we were right about was the attribute clash - which explains their garish pattern!
August: It is with great sadness we announce the demise of Philip (pronounced Full-Up?) Snout. We regret to say that his end, when it came, was not particularly fast or painless.
Snouty was taking his annual holiday in a sweet factory when he stumbled and fell into a vat of molten chocolate. He was persuaded to get out at five o'clock but returned the next morning and drowned sometime after lunch. His last words were, "Where's the tub of orange and herring cream filling?"
September: Oh God! It can't be! Yes it is, The PCW show is here again. Following a year in which the major labels have bought up all the small software houses, they proceed to dine on each other, until there is only one vast company left. Its stand is actually bigger than Olympia.
Funny Outfit In keeping with the trend started in 1987 there are no games on view but there are videos, arcade machines and people dressed in funny outfits. Everyone is talking very excitedly about the next generation of computers, which is fine until you realise that a Jet Set Willy clone is a Jet Set Willy clone whether you play it on an Acorn Archimedes or a ZX81!
October: October is an extremely boring month when absolutely nothing ever happens. It was hardly worth writing this much about it.
November: After 50 glorious years (And it don't seem a century too long, Staff) YS Publisher Kevin 'Kippers' Cox has finally retired.
Gusset Kippers started life as office tea boy but owing to his inability to brew a decent cup, was demoted to Ed, then Man Ed, then Pain in the... Ed and finally Pub. We nipped in just before last orders to present him with a leaving present... a pair of 22 carat Y-fronts. Yes, the legendary YS Golden Gusset.
Overcome by alcohol... sorry emotion, Kippers said, "Whenever I wear them I shall think of you all and I really look forward to taking up my new post on Razzleoowhatagiveaway!"
December: High probability of Christmas Parties. More parties. Whash tha'? A par'y! Where? I wake up nursing a hangover in Castle Rathbone. Two hours to my deadline. What shall I write? I know...
January 1989 should be a good one for the ... (Zzzzzz!)
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